2024

 Half way through the year....I kept meaning to write birthday posts but all three of them have come and gone and they also just seem strange when they are mostly adults right?  I wish blogging was the same as it was in the early 2000s.   I miss my blogging friends.  

Anyway.....life.   It is so weird how quickly it passes and changes and you don't really notice until you slow down and remember.   It's bittersweet to see young moms wrestling their littles in a store or a park.  It was so hard.  Why were there three of them?   I feel like I didn't really enjoy them at the time but I would give all my money to have it all back.  Of course, I am $40,000 in debt so not a lot of money to give, but you know.   I love my adult children.   I love having real conversations over a drink at dinner and sharing in their dreams for their futures but, damn, they were so freaking cute.  (See 2005-2009)

Jacob is 23 and lives 4 hours west of here.  I just returned from spending a few days with him.   He gets things and knows where he is going and what he is doing and figuring out how he wants to proceed.  I remember thinking he would live with us always lining up Thomas trains in a basement somewhere and he's actually surviving completely on his own.   I am proud.  He is also just so kind to everyone; to a fault maybe.   I worry others may be taking advantage of him but at the same time after all he went through in those early school years I am glad he is not vengeful or hateful at people in general just because.  

He looks a little different......

Adam is 19 and just finished his first year of college.  He HATED it!   He's back living at home and trying to figure out his next move.  All I have seen so far is cans of Miller Lite left on my counter every night and  text requests for gas money, but hey,  he's young.  If I could be 19 again.......

Elizabeth is "homeschooling" and by "homeschooling" I mean she withdrew from school and signed up for an online program but hasn't done a thing that I can see.   Always a different excuse for why she can't go to school, do homeschool, work, help out, move a muscle.   First it was anxiety, then depression, now she has been diagnosed with OCD but I don't see that so much anymore and wonder if it was just an act for the doctor.   She loves her THC vapes and for a kid who doesn't ever, ever leave the house she has plenty of them.   Popcorn lung?  That's a lie you know.   High School Education?   Why would I want that?   She has called me by my first name since lockdown and sometimes refers to me as the c-word because I don't give her everything she desires in a timely manner.   Spoiled much?  Why yes she is!  She is genuinely mentally ill but, have mercy, she's a mean little shit.   She is 17 now and fluctuates from trashy made-up scantily clad bar fly to 10 years old and loves her Barbies.   It's manic and it's crazy and it's just plain sad really.   How did she get like this?   She won't take any meds prescribed to her, always another excuse and I think she is selling them to get the vapes but HOW?  No one comes here and she doesn't leave.  

Anyway,  my intention was to stay home and help with the homeschool but when I realized that wasn't gonna be a thing and my presence in the house pissed her off I found a second grade position in November and I LOVE IT!  I am so happy I went back to what I know and what I am really good at........good times were had but I am thrilled to have twelve weeks off for summer!   City, mountains, beach, oh my!   

I've lost 18 pounds since March on Perfect Body and frequent fasting.  I looked at the Christmas pictures and I was like, nope, no way, ain't looking like that no more.  FYI in case you don't know - you can't eat anymore once menopause comes.  I mean, nothing.   I was eating plain oatmeal three times a day and exercising three days a week and still blowing up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon.   I still haven't reached my goal or 30 pounds by June 1 but at least I won't look six months pregnant in a swimsuit at the beach TOMORROW!  I do Pilates almost every day and walk the dog twice a day now that school is out.  I am concentrating on health because I have no romantic life and my friends all live far away and I might be a little bit lonely or homesick for the 80s (so good, so good) or something.   I like myself so working on myself seems like something to do right now.     I might expand this summer if I remember I have this.   Am I having a midlife crisis?  Maybe?  Do you think so?  Where do I go from here?   

Where do WE go from here?   

Who Knew?

 

That day...fourteen hours later I was mom to a daughter.   I was thrilled.   I wanted a girl with each pregnancy and finally, finally, her she was.    Pink bows, mary-janes, frilly dresses, and Disney dolls.  I was in heaven reliving my own girlhood through hers.  Oh, I love my boys fiercely but they were different than me.  Now I had one of my own and life was good.  

Then.  

I can't really say when it started but I can recall a small shift in middle school.   Then there came COVID with it's online school and isolation.   High School sealed the deal and before I knew it my once happy, delightful, extroverted little girl became the see-ya-ou'side girl from Dr. Phil.  It's been three years now, the last year the worst, and I still can't believe we are here.   I have no idea who she is anymore and I fear the things she is doing in the solitude of the room she rarely leaves.    

There is so much to say and yet I don't know how to say it.  I'd post a picture because that might help some but she's already very colorfully told me not to post her on FB.   I am sure an entire story would really piss her off but it's also my story.   One of my boys lives in his own apartment, the second one will be leaving in August to a school far away.   I am struggling with these milestones and, yet, I can't sit back and really deal with how I am dealing with them because there is always something with her.   

Will you pray for her?  That's really the only thing I know to do anymore.   I have stumbled and fumbled and everytime I think I've almost gotten a grasp, she falls away.   

I am still thrilled to have a daughter.   I just need to learn to live with the one I have.  

Beginning of the School Year...

 Well, not quite, but soon.  HOW is raising teenagers more time-consuming than raising toddlers?  I really thought I'd bring the blog back this summer.   HA.  

Still haven't done the birthday posts either.  Short version:  Jacob is 21, Adam is 17, Elizabeth is 15.   Remember when she was born.   Yeah, can't believe how fast that happened.  

Anyway.   I interviewed for a few full-time, you-need-to-decorate-a-classroom jobs and ended up turning them all down.  I loved the schools and would have loved a new group of all day, every day students again but the best offer I got equaled $14.90 an hour and was a half hour away on a good day.  I mean, REALLY?  I made more working the church preschool way back when.   Not much more, but more.  I couldn't see myself with no free time, taxed heavily, and bringing home very little even with my fantastic medication.  So.  I will be working with the boss I had pre-COVID at a different preschool.   I probably won't make much but at least I will have something to buy a pizza with now and again because, right now?, I am broke.  Well, I have $25 in my pocket from tutoring this morning but it's fair to say I am poor so time to add what little I can to that savings.  

My dad was going to buy a house in West Virginia and I was so ready to pack up and move there next summer but, alas, it wasn't up to his standards so no house.  That doesn't mean there won't ever be a house, but it wasn't meant to be.  

Adam is a senior now.  He thinks he's big stuff and almost an adult and I just don't understand how the world works or what is best for him.  Sound familiar?  I can recall exactly where I was when I made that remark to my parents.   RIP Elbys...miss the Strawberry Pie.   I can't get him to even make a plan.....he's going to go with the flow, have fun, find himself, money? eh, he can't think about that right now.   I am torn between let him be happy and forcing him to grow up.   It's August, I just can't think about that right now.  

Elizabeth is repeating ninth grade.  She wanted to transfer to a smaller school in a smaller town in a smaller state but here we are.  We'll take it one day at a time.   She needs therapy and medication but she'll take neither.   I thought Jacob was bad?   Woah Nelly,  Even Apollo is scared of her.   

Jacob....well, he's 21 therefore he drinks.   He also would like to move to Colorado or California if you get my drift and he has a 4.0 GPA but he's still a sophomore.   He drops every class in which he will not make an A.  He just doesn't get that he only has two semesters of tuition money left.  He spent the summer here. It was painful.  Everyone loves to here each day what a terrible parent they were.   He didn't work, he didn't study, he didn't go out and he felt entitled to stay here and criticize  us because his childhood was so awful.  I admit, it wasn't the best, but damn, let's all move forward and try to fix it instead.  

So.....yeah, parenting wasn't my best period.   Yes, I am still in it.   I have been working to improve it for years and I feel like I learned from poor first born but, this is hard ya'll....it doesn't get easier, please don't let anyone ever tell you that.  I have done my best.   

Apollo is very well behaved, has ambition, and thinks I am the best mom ever.  

End of the School Year

 One more day!   Thank Goodness!  

Sometimes I sit down, like now, and wonder what in the world I was doing sending my children to public school.   And by public, I mean in a big building with other kids.   Public was so much better than private for us, just saying.  But anyway....

I remember sending each of mine to ninth grade and worrying so much.   The rumors about drugs, assaults, petty fights, unqualified teachers, shootings......Could there be a shooting at my kid's school?   Damn, I hope not.   Then it became one of those things where you wake up, send them off, go about your day, they come home, lather, rinse, repeat.  THEN.   Then Santa Fe happened.    Ya'll.   That's right down the road from us.  I was considering sending Adam there to play football.   One of the teachers was one of our preschooler's grandmothers.   Way too close.   Yes.  I seriously considered homeschooling from there on but my kid's are very social creatures and wouldn't hear of it.  Deep down I figured, well, it won't happen at their school, so very near their school.  Their HIGH SCHOOL.  

And then here we are again.  

We do not live near Uvalde, but my dad goes there each year to hunt ducks in the fall.  He knows people there, it's a friendly town.  I wonder which, if any, of those families he has interacted with have lost their children.  What in the world was an 18 year old very young adult, CHILD REALLY, doing with an assault rifle?  It's a hunting town there, they make money on that type of tourism, but do you need THAT to kill a small bird?   

I've been fielding out resumes and applications to teach in public school again next year.    I have a degree in Elementary Education and a Masters in Special Education.  1992.   I was excited to make a difference and spend my days back in elementary schools and lately I have felt the same way, hoping for a second or third grade classroom, how I would decorate, what the kids would need from me, the staff I would forge relationships with.....now.   I am scared.    Would I die protecting my students or would I run screaming from adrenaline because I still have kids to raise?   No one should have thoughts like that.   The last year I taught preschool we had shooter drills.   It was insane.   Not because, eh, what are the odds?   Insane watching these 2-5 year olds hiding, attempting to be silent, blinds drawn, huddling in a shared bathroom with little boy pee on the floor wondering aloud if they would be able to finish their painting before time to go home.   We were in a meeting following and they were asking us the steps to take if you were caught outside during an active shooting and I said straight up, I am running them all to my car and getting the hell out of there.   I might have been reprimanded.   But, seriously, a drill would never prepare you.   Look at those poor kids stuck in a room with the shooter, man, you just pray and trust your gut.   Those poor teachers.   They knew they were going to die.   They died for $50.000 a year, measly benefits, disrespect from parents, administration, and most students, and a government that believes they are so dismissable that a 1% raise isn't always guaranteed and definitely no supplies to actually teach.  But, hey!  maybe your town needs a million dollar thing for no apparent reason.   

I don't think I want to teach anymore.  

Elizabeth spent three months in alternative high school this winter.   I worried daily about her safety there. She learned absolutely nothing as they did no work there.   It was essentially a daytime prison for teenagers.   She was groped, pushed, spit on, and one day the police were called because a kid had a knife (but they were all frisked going in and he was caught before entry).    Yep.   It was scary.   BUT,  no shooting.   Even with all the drills we endured, it never occured to me that a shooter might target an elementary school as much as they might want to target a high school.   Even just typing that is WRONG. "Oh, let's see, I think now that you are in ninth grade your odds of being killed going to learn increases".   NOPE.  NOPE.  NOPE.   (and yes, I remember Sandy Hook).   

What do I do now?   What will you do now?   My son will be senior TOMORROW!  My daughter is starting over and has four more years.   There's no football team at the Mama's Scared HomeSchool.  Or Math.  My kids are still social.   Would interacting with a dog be okay?  No.  And then, they graduate.   Are they now completely safe?   No, they are not.    

I completely agree when people say this violence (and it's not all school violence) is a people problem but, hell, why would you arm the people with the problem?  With assault weapons no less?   

I know I will piss some people off but so what?  All of the men I know have guns.   They shoot animals with them.   I am not a fan.   I figure they can go to HEB and get all the meat they want, but the stores don't carry dove or duck or deer so whatever.   I do not believe they hunt with assault rifles.  I know they also carry pistols on their person and that's a new occurance......mostly due to all the shootings and attacks out there.   I guess they like to consider themselves heroes but so far, never used them other than at a range.   Not that I have to justify anything for anyone but there it is.

Texas has made it even harder since COVID to be a teacher.   More tests, more classes, more full summers, more paperwork, more expensive licensure, more expensive courses, less pay, less benefits, now more violence.   I wonder how many quit now.   I wonder how many are changing their majors.   What happens to our kids when there is no one there to educate them?   Are they even getting the education they deserve?   Obviously something is missing somewhere to make them want to kill innocent babies.   I went to school in the 70s and 80s.....if someone had conflict they had a 1-2 punch fight in the parking lot after class and that was that.   If that.   Usually by the end of the day everyone just wanted to go home.   Or hang out.    I think psychiatric help needs to be a mandatory class for everyone now.   I don't want to teach my grandchildren science because people are not stable enough to be around others.  

Your thoughts?   

You are welcome to disagree with me.    I won't hurt you.   

Now.   What should I do with my career life now?  

Oh Look, A Holiday....

 Oh how I need a day off.   It's 10:30 and I still haven't done a thing.   I haven't decided if I feel good or bad about this.  

He's my spirit animal.    He's happy I didn't leave today.   Yet.  

How is it I have to clean more than I did when they were little?  My goodness, I spent all weekend making this place spotless and woke up this morning to such a mess.   I sometimes think my husband makes it just to have something to complain about.   I am just grateful he still went to work during the shutdown.  

Anyway, I developed a little, bitty E-bay habit during that time.   I have some cool stuff now and a beautiful new cheap wardrobe, but it caused him to develop a great big bad attitude because, really, Je-sus wants the women to submit to their husband so how dare you?  To keep the peace I've been paying the charge bills since this summer (which also happen to have the groceries he eats, the clothes his kids wear, the car repairs, you know).   As of yesterday I am completely broke of the money I saved since I started working again in 2010.  It's sad that in twelve years of teaching I only saved $28,433.  So yes, blew through it all and not all of that was E-bay related.  

ADD Moment:   I applied to teach in Florida recently, thought maybe I'd do summer school there.   Um, they pay $25,000 a year with a Masters.   You don't get to complain about school closures and mask mandates and your kid's lazy teacher while that is still going on.  

So as I was seeing that 0 balance in something I was hoping would help me get away from years of negativity retire, wondering what would happen if I or the kids actually needed something my chakras aligned with a thought:   What WILL happen if I don't charge anything else this year.   Yes.  Year.   I am working three jobs and get paid pretty little BUT I can use this time to save.   It was kinda nice not going into the supermarket during "it".  Ditto, Target.  

Don't get me wrong, I love Target.  And Dollar Tree.   And goodness gracious that Marshalls!   But they are bad news for me.  Let's not mention Amazon.   Ebay?   I think I'll miss you most of all. 

So.   

This is something new I am going to try.   I doubt it'll cure the negativity, but at least I'll be able to replenish a small savings just in case. 

I don't think I'll discuss that here.   This began for the kids and I want to mostly keep it that way.   If you wonder that will be here:   

 For Richer, For Poorer

I'm the latter now, the husband is the former.  

Ez

 

Today is my sweet Schmoo-Schmoo Ezra's birthday.    

This picture was taken on his last birthday.   2012.   I can't believe it's been ten years without him.   

I swear  he hung on so long because of those kids, things were better when he was here.   Jacob didn't handle his death well and, really, neither did Derick.   He cried more that day than he did when his mother passed five months later.   

He was a pretty fantastic dog, just saying. 

Anyway, my kids are either grown (Jacob) or about to be (Adam) or old enough to decide her childhood was absolutely horrible (guess who?).    On a long road trip a few weeks ago they started reminiscing about Max and Ruby and Schlitterbahn and how none of them eat waffles with syrup because I never allowed it when the discussion took a turn.   According to their memories their dad stopped liking them in  2013.   Right around the time the dog and the mom died.   Hmmmm.....I never really noticed it but they may have a point.  I know he loves his kids but it was around then that he started to check out.   I mean, who could blame him?   But now, what do I do with this information about the feelings they have been harboring?  What could I have been doing for them then instead of obliviously going on with life?   

So.   

Ten years.   Eventually I'll have more about that time.  No one has been abused or scarred but now I can look back and see where I didn't always make the best choices for us.   The past is the past and I won't dwell on it, but it effected them.   More than I thought.  

Happy Valentines Day......

 Ah, life.  It gets in the way of so much doesn't it?  

I can't believe I ever had the time to do this everyday.   With three kids under 5 at that.   Yay sad, anxiety-ridden, friendless me!

It's Valentines Day.   We don't really celebrate it now that the kids are way too old for class parties and a pack of Skittles doesn't do it for them anymore.   I can't say that I miss it.   I HATED those damn boxes and the sticky candy found in the bedroom carpet months later.  I've been married, what?  22 years now and have NEVER gotten a Valentines gift because it's "just an excuse for stores to make money".   Does that upset me?  I don't really know anymore.  It just is what it is.  

Let's just put it all out there, shall we?  

It's 2022.   I started this in 2005.   If anyone new wants to read back around, eh, 2009?  I may have complained about my husband a little.  Did I blog in 2013?  If so, I probably complained a lot.    It was somewhere in those years that I realized my husband didn't really like me too much.   The rolled eyes, the disrespect, the heavy sighs at everything I said....it was heartbreaking and sad and I was just stuck as to what to do.   I used to say I would never tolerate a bad situation, but that is exactly what I did.  I had a mentally ill middle schooler, a middle child who was pretty much raising himself, and a baby who thought she should be the center of everyone's world.  Not to mention the low-paying full-time part-time job I took just to grasp for a little respect from the husband who stopped respecting me the minute I gave birth and lost my job.  Oh, I forget, my job was just a hobby.    Yes.  That was when I knew it wouldn't last.  

Anyway, there I was stuck in a loveless marriage with so many kids with so many issues I couldn't even begin to sort.  At one point he told me he wanted to leave and be happy by himself and I actually begged him to stay because I couldn't imagine working full time and probably then some to just barely get by on a shitty teacher salary and still be able to be there for my kids, most specifically, Jacob.  He was not in a good way during those years.  So.   I did what I thought was best for them and lost all respect for myself by not only slamming the door on his ass on the way out, I asked him to stick it out as well.   

Thats when I went numb.  Oh, I loved my kids, loved teaching, adored my friends and our time together, but being home was weird.  It was like the kids and me and the guy that lived with us.  

It still is.  

You see, Jacob may be an adult and for the most part out of the house, but I have two more bringing up the  rear.  Three more semesters for Adam, a lot for Elizabeth.   

It's been years and we have made it comfortable and I have to be honest and say sometimes fun, but that lovelessness is still there no matter what is said and where I thought I could do it until I died so my kids could have an intact family until we died, I am unsure now.  

I am hoping to bring the blog back.  Where it used to be, oh-my-word THESE KIDS!  SO HARD!  SO TIRED!, maybe some young (yep, old now....senior discount at the Good Will!) mom will find herself in a similar spot and google and find this and just know....someone gets you and where you are.  

There is so much more I haven't told ya'll in so very long.  I miss the online support, probably could have used it much way back when.  Is that a thing anymore?   

Bear with me, I am sure it will be a slow start.   I am working three jobs with one day off and teenagers have so much to do......If you feel love today embrace it!  Don't feel sorry for me, I am happy today.  Really.  

I mean, how could I not be?

Seriously though?  Can you believe them?  Where did the time go?