Thursday, November 19, 2009

I Was Just Making Sure They Were Paying Attention

It's been a long afternoon.

After falling asleep watching Toy Story 2 for the five thousandth twentieth time, I woke up just in time to find we needed to get in the car QUICK to pick up Jacob. Thank you Elizabeth for writing on my face with the blue ball point pen or I might still be lying there.

By the time I strapped my two diaper/underwear clad preschoolers into their safety seats, I was already ten minutes late. The light at the middle school up the street put me behind another five. Dang kids wanting to GO HOME by CROSSING THE STREET!

When I pulled into the school I was already late enough to have to wait for every. single. highschooler to cross the driveway or just stand their gabbing while I wait-wait-waited and I swear I never thought about plowing them down inching into them little by little to MAYBE get them to mosey out of the fricking street.

As I finally pulled around the back of the building where my child should have been seething waiting, he wasn't there. I quickly scanned through the eight kids left sitting and he was nowhere to be found. I pulled my car up to see if he was sitting behind a pole. Wasn't there either. The duty teacher came over panic-stricken and asked if Jacob had rode home with a friend by mistake. I proceeded to flip out and wonder out loud, DID YA'LL JUST PUT MY KID IN SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR? And my heart started to pound through my ears and that Frito chili pie I had for lunch started moving on up.

So I parked my car, released my almost naked children, and headed for the building, or the office, or the classroom, or who knows where I was going? My kid was MISSING!

And as I blew past that duty teacher, she just happened to say, "Could he be in a help class?"

And then it dawned on me.

I signed my kid, that one I was so worried about, the one I apparently remember nothing about, up for the after-school algebra (seriously, algebra, in third grade!) help class his teacher offered in a note the night before.

I wasn't late. He was late. And now I was early. So. Very. Early. Standing like a crazy person with two almost-naked children out in the kinda-sorta-you might say it's chilly weather. With blue pen marks on my face.


And I wonder why some of those mothers make fun of me.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


On page 57...

I had planned to take pictures of the entire cooking process but my MIL was pretty much all over me the entire time and since she called and told everyone back home how I took photos of my finished meals making me sound like a complete doofus you're all lucky to get this one.

But I really wanted Sherry to see what Tall Corn Pork Chili (a.k.a Iowa Chili) looks like.

I'll post this recipe, and all other chili recipes, on my recipe blog. You can find it here.

This chili was a hit with everyone at the table* except me. I couldn't even finish the bowl. The chili had pork, which I love, but also corn. Lots of corn. While I LOVE corn on the cob and completely separate as a side dish on a plate, I DO NOT like corn in my soups or chilis. I don't know why, I just don't like it that way. Everyone else, though, thought it was awesome and my MIL took the recipe home with her.

Next up, after Thanksgiving: Wisconsin Green Bay Chili for Kelly.

*And by everyone at the table I mean everyone except Adam and Elizabeth who pretty much exist only on yogurt and very rarely eat an offered meal.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It Was Too Funny Not to Share

So my mother-in-law is here.

I am glad to say she no longer smokes which has really, really made her stay a tad more bearable. But. She's my mother-in-law. She doesn't like me. She tolerates the children. And quite honestly, it's a little like living with my grandmother. When she was 90. And sort of senile.

She does things like leave her fifteen or so non-childproof lidded medicines all over the house. She tries to let my INSIDE cat out. She takes Elizabeth outside and then comes in without her. She hovers over me while I cook, tastes my creations without being offered, and then puts the spoon back into the pot. Yum. She takes my wet laundry out of the washer and piles it in a basket so she can push hers through (now I see where her son gets it). She barges in my room when the door is closed demanding things...pencils, soup, toothpaste, and now this very time, rubberbands.

She also uses every. single. bathroom. in our house. Now, I set her all up in the main upstairs bathroom when she arrived and pretty much made it clear that, hey now, this is where YOU do your business. WE. Will use the other THREE bathrooms. Why yes, I am a wonderful hostess for assuring your absolute privacy during your stay.

Um. Yeah.

One day this week she walked in on poor Adam and demanded to know if he was done yet. He now calls her Stinky. The boy does love his privacy.

She walked into our master bath right past me Farkling on the Facebook last night in bed. I'm guessing I should have said something, but she's done this before and I figured my husband would just get mad if I said anything to her, so I let it go. I mean, it's weird, but harmless, right? RIGHT?

This morning my husband was taking a shower in our master bathroom. I was lying in bed twittering and Facebooking and generally hiding out from HER, when she came shuffling right into the bedroom. Our bathroom does not lock as it has two push doors that rate a ten in attractiveness, yet two on functionability. I mean, I have three kids. I WANT my bathroom to lock, but I digress. It will never lock and I want to finish my story.

So, anyway, where was I?

Oh, SHE came shuffling into my bedroom and I knew where she was heading so I kindly told her that, "Um, Derick's in the shower right now. You can't go in there." to which she replied, not even looking at me, "I won't look at him". And I'm guessing at that point I should've gotten up and led her out of the room or something but I was just so completely dumbfounded I just sat there. And then she did it. She opened both doors and waltzed right into that bathroom while my husband was naked and whistling.

And then he was screaming.

But you know what? She didn't leave. She went into the separate toilet room to do her business and then walked right back out completely oblivious to all the four letter words coming out of her son's mouth directed right at her.

And I. I had to pull the covers up over my head because I could not stop laughing. In fact, when I think about it now, four hours later, I laugh some more, because Oh. My. Gawd. It was just that funny.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Ho, Ho, HA!

Awww...What happened to my sweet little baby girl?

She's been overtaken by demons or aliens, that's what has happened.

Elizabeth is two and a half now. She hit them a little late, but the terrible twos, oh my dear Lord, the terrible twos are soooo terrible!

Yesterday I ran into the store to pick up only some sour cream and it was a full out fit from the time I loaded her into the car until she conked out in the pick-up line at Jacob's school. I'm still waiting on the CPS to arrive as the man behind me assured me he'd be calling them because, obviously, he's never had any children.

Today, I so stupidly took my three little devils angels to get their pictures taken. Christmas pictures. In the most beautiful little Christmas outfits. In front of the sweetest little Christmas background just so I can show every one I know just how gorgeous my children are we can spread lots of Christmas cheer this year.

You know it's bad when the nice photographer lady refers to them as hellions.

Oh, the boys were pretty good, I got a couple of nice shots of THEM together. She even asked if maybe I wanted to send a card out with just the boys. *sigh*

Elizabeth = Birth Control

She would not sit, she would not stand, she would not smile.

And then she threw a fit. The holy mother of all fits.

In front of the eye-rolling lady who swooped in and took my 10 a.m. appointment and then still hadn't chosen her pictures during our FORTY-FIVE minute appointment making us stand and wait with our screaming child that. much. longer.

I mean, really, an hour to choose your pictures? How hard can that be.

That was three hours ago. I am still shaking.

But at least I have some lovely Christmas cards of my boys.

And my boys and my MIL. The MIL who so elegantly wore her PAJAMAS to the photo shoot even after we bought her a new outfit to wear for them.

Just drop me an email with your home address if you'd like one in your mailbox this year.

Because, there ain't no way in hell I'm attempting this again.

Friday, November 06, 2009


I have so much I want to write and so little time to write it. I considered doing NaBloPoMo, but I KNEW I'd NEVER be able to keep up with it, so I'll just touch on some of it in a condensed post.

*Jacob has really matured this year. We're still dealing with anger issues and that whole meds-wore-off business at the end of the day, but at school he's stellar. Last night was the third grade musical (I made it this time!). It was nice and he did well, but I was more impressed with the new boy who approached me at the end to introduce himself and tell me how glad he was that Jacob was his friend. Last year, his friends hid from him because they didn't want the others to know they were friends. This year, at least five kids made an effort to tell Jacob good-bye or give him a high five and one made plans to meet early today to discuss all things Mario. You know I cried on the ride home. I credit his teacher. She has really boosted his confidence and just boosted him to all those around him. She's making him cool. I love her.

*My MIL arrives on Sunday. Time to get out the Febreeze. I think God has a sense of humor because Hurricane Ida is heading our way also. And don't forget all the swine flu she's bound to come in contact with on her three day train ride. My husband came home with a large bottle of scotch. Enough said. (You can read my past MIL experiences in November 2008 and 2007. Please pray for me)

*My friend is doing okay. She's getting things together and figuring out the next steps. Last night she logged into her husband's computer and found a ton of pictures of him and the boys from a few days before his death and it hit her hard. I want to fly up RIGHT NOW and be there with her, but as she only got three days bereavement leave she had to use the rest of her vacation time and she wants me to wait until she's accrued some more to fly up. I'm just trying to do what I can through the phone and computer. If anyone has any suggestions on what else I can do, pass it my way, because I feel like a useless friend just sitting here.

*I'm having a jewelry party. I hate those things, but my friend is just starting out as a consultant and I wanted to help her out. I am pretty put out, though, at all those "friends" I bought Pampered Chef, Discovery Toys, USborne Books, Stamping Up, Longaberger, Homemade Gourmet, Tastefully Simple, Premier Jewelry, Tupperware, and Creative Memories from who won't even respond to me. So sales whatsoever. Thank you fake party friends.

*This is how Elizabeth entertains herself these days:

I'm just too old and tired to do anything about it. It buys me some floor mopping/bed-making/bathtub scrubbing time. Sure would be nice to win some diapers now.

*Christmas is 49 days away. Any suggestions on a "big" girl gift? I am lost on the whole girly thing. Once I find it, I'll be done with my kid shopping. Of course, my boys changed their lists now, but, oh well. They're just going to have to take what they get.

*We did Halloween without spending a dime. You might recognize the costumes.

And after that picture=taking fiasco, you'll be happy to know that Penneys will be taking our Christmas pictures this year. I give up.

*Next up on my chili tour....Iowa. Tall Corn Pork Chili for Sherry.