Saturday, September 29, 2007

Sick, Just Sick

Dear West Virginia Football Team,

You Suck.

Some Advice for next week:

-Get a new center

-Run forward

-Throw the ball now and then

-Learn your uniform, those are your teammates.

-Did I say run?


A New Scarlet Knights Fan

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

It Wasn't The Wine

Good News!

I am not a lightweight!

Bad News.....

It wasn't food poisoning either.

At 1:24 this morning, I was awakened from an awesome Brad Paisley dream to Jacob standing over me in a panic. "I have puked!" he continued to bellow until I finally returned to reality. Yes, yes he did puke. All over that top bunk. Did you know that if one pukes on the top bunk that it will somehow end up on the bottom bunk? Now you do. I HATE the bunk bed!!!! So, being the good wife that I am, I woke the husband who promised to love, honor, and change the bunk bed sheets and it was a complete family affair! Well, except for Adam, who slept through his sheet change and Elizabeth, who only slept last night during the times I was awake. It was loads of fun I tell ya!

So, Jacob missed school today. He was pretty sick for about six hours. Can you believe this is only the third time (knock on internet wood) he's actually had stomach bug? He seems fine now, curled up in front of Game Show Network with a bunch of pencil puzzles and books. He asked to go for donuts so I think the worst has passed. Adam seems to be okay, although he has a touch of something going on the other end. That's all I'll say about that. I am worried to death about Elizabeth. I really did think I was sick on wine so I didn't limit my access to her and even if I did it wouldn't have kept those boys from licking her pacifier and poking their fingers in her mouth. I just hope and pray she stays well.

Excuse me now while I bid adieu to some of my favorite pillows.

I am, most definitely, a vomit lightweight.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Careful What You Wish For

So the day wasn't a complete bust. Sure, I mopped up more soda, milk, and poop yesterday than seemed humanly possibly, but we did get out and enjoy the evening.

We ate at a restaurant on the lake. The kids were eaten alive by mosquitoes, but there was wine involved, so it was fun.

Oh, and many boats. Many, many boats. Did you know Adam loves boats? I have only pictures of the side of his face as a result.

Then, because Mommy had too much wine and was feeling generous, we went to the overrated, expensive, paved-paradise-with-a-parking-lot amusement park down the road.

You can just feel the fun can't you?

No, he wasn't scared. He was just mad because he thought we were taking out a loan for buying tickets for the roller coaster. How dare we spend his college tuition making him ride that asinine baby ride!

And there was cake!

Never mind that I had to drag three screaming kids out to pick it up myself.

And it was purely coincidental that 26 is on it. We are too cheap to spring for new candles and, duh, my kids are 2 and 6.

But the real fun came later in the evening......

When I met that entire carafe of red wine again in my bathroom. And my tortellini. And that wonderful cake. Surely I had food poisoning because if 39 makes you a lightweight, I want no part of it.

Geez, I don't even like wine.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Yes, I am 26

When I was employed, like, by an actual place that gave me a paycheck, I always took my birthday off. I mean, really, it's my day after all, the only day I get all year long, why should I spend it working? I remember some of those birthdays. Sleeping until ten. Spending money with reckless abandon. Eating greasy diner breakfasts and desserts for dinner. Those were some fun times.

I think you should not spend your birthday:

waking before nine

cleaning hairballs off the carpet

mopping rice krispies and spilled soda from the floor

scrubbing lipstick from your fancy duvet

being pooped on

washing your brand new twenty dollar body wash off your two year old

cleaning pee off the bathroom floor, yet again

I do think there should be a clause in the marriage vows that states the husband will take the day off on your birthday and take over all child-rearing, housekeeping, errand-running activities and, just to be fair, vice versa on the husband's day......oh wait.....I already do that.

On your birthday you should:

sleep late

skip school

use a clean bathroom

eat out breakfast, lunch, and dinner

purchase $110 shoes without feeling guilty

use your fancy body wash before it ends up washed down the drain

watch Last Comic Standing on your tivo before someone tells you who won

dress your baby in ladybugs and red gingham just because you can

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

What's In A Name?

Elizabeth wasn't my first choice for my baby girl's name.

Actually, I really didn't have a choice as I was still cruising the name lists the day she was born.

Jacob came up with Elizabeth months prior to her birth in the car during a long trip. I thought it was sent to him from the heavens, but most likely he was watching a Thomas video and Elizabeth, a lorry car, was on at the time. After that, the husband loved Elizabeth and I just kept looking for something else. It's not that I don't like the name, I do, it's just I didn't think it was the name. Plus, I spent most of my time searching for the perfect boy name. I found two I assumed we would be flipping coins over as we signed the birth certificate: Nathaniel Peyton and Ethan, huh? So Elizabeth shows up and we begin to scramble on a name...well, I began to scramble. Derick had called everyone he knew before they even wheeled me to recovery to inform everyone of Elizabeth Laura's birth. From the beginning, we had planned on using Laura as her middle name, but we dropped the ball and didn't discuss it with my sister until the day of. She said she'd ask her husband and call back but she never did. Since Teresa gets uptight at the mere mention of the word "Laura" we figured it would be too much. We eventually gave up waiting for that call and I settled on Rachel, the name I wanted when I was pregnant with Adam. Rachel Elizabeth. I could live with that. Derick said he could too, but I could tell he was disappointed, so I agreed to swap the names. Once I signed those papers, though, I was full of regret. I liked Rachel. I wanted Rachel. Derick was on cloud nine with Elizabeth. I tried to love it. I tried to use it. I called her Beth and Ellie and even Lizard Breath at times. Elizabeth is just a hard name to coo to a colicky baby. Sometimes I call her Rachel. My friend calls her Rachel. My parents call her Rachel. Jacob informs us all that her name is Elizabeth. I secretly want to hide his Webkinz from him for coming up with it in the first place.

But the past few days I look at her and call her by her name and realize that she has suddenly become Elizabeth.




I think I like it. Finally.

Sure beats Lizard Breath.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Show and Tell

Remember when I said that I didn't like Jacob's teacher?

I take that back.

I love Jacob's teacher.

She allowed Jacob to bring his big, stinky, tail-whipping dog to show and tell making him most popular for at least a day.

Ezra's tail hasn't stopped wagging.

Jacob was thrilled! He's been talking about bringing that dog for show and tell since he was three.

He's already planning for next month.

He says he's bringing Elizabeth.

At least she's more portable.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Everybody Loves A Clown.....

I have tons of chapsticks and lipsticks in a drawer in my bathroom. It's a sickness, really, I usually can't make it through the Tarzhay without popping one into the cart. I would venture to say I probably have forty of them stuffed into that drawer.

Adam loves, loves, loves the chapstick. If I forget to close the bathroom door, I know that's where I'll find him. I no longer remember his own special smell as it has been masked by grape, watermelon, and black cherry vanilla dr. pepper scents since he was a year old. I finally gave in, tired of trying to locate things in that drawer after his ransacks, and gave him his own tube to keep in his pocket. Worked like a charm.

Until today.

Apparently the natural look is out this season.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Tuesday Tidbits

So it ain't Tuesday. Sue me.

I got the biggest kick out of watching Jacob and Adam play together the other day. They were running around and acting kind of silly and I thought I might get teary-eyed until I heard Jacob say, " You be Randy and I'll be Earl and we're gonna pretend to go stealing from garages and then take our stuff to the Crab Shack. Ezra can be Crabman." I guess Earl is going to hit my tivo list this year.

On Tuesdays, Elizabeth and I take Adam to The Little Gym so he can run loud and senseless exercise and socialize. Between dropping Jacob off and the beginning of class, we have about a half hour to kill so I have been taking him to a donut shop along the way. Yes, once a week we have donuts. And a Pepsi to wash them down. Don't judge me. Anyway, our new donut hangout happens to be located right next door to a fitness club, a very popular fitness club as the parking lot is always full. I thought it was pretty hysterical to watch the people come in their workout duds all sweaty and take a dozen donuts out the door, but what's even funnier is the workout dudded people all circling the parking lot in their beamers and benzes trying to get the closest spot just like the mall at Christmas time. Geez louise! If you just tried walking a little bit, you might not have to pay the outrageous prices the fitness club charges. Pfft.

Last week after the now infamous chapel performance, Jacob stood up in front of the television to sing Jesus Loves Me. Adam stood right up next to him and sang Mana, Mana. It was hilarious.

What the hell happened to Blue? Jacob loved Blue's Clues as a baby, but he quit watching it right after Joe came to town. A few weeks ago I turned it on for Adam so I could nap so I could tend to the baby and Blue was a life size stuffed animal with polka-dotted brother! Uh, why was there a need to screw with Blue? It's safe to say that Blue's Clues has officially jumped the shark.

I think I watch too much Food Network. Adam has begun referring to Paula Deen and the Barefoot Contessa as Mamaw.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Here We Go Again.......

Well, I guess summer vacation is over for everyone now.

At 8:30 this morning my phone rang. It was Tony from the Texas Department of P*blic Saf*ty. I wasn't real thrilled to hear from him even though it's been seven months since our last conversation. As you'll recall, Tony and his crew like to call me and beg for money from time to time. Since I don't have much money to spare, I always decline his requests. The last time I turned him down I was issued a traffic citation just a few days later. I still don't think that was coincidence.

Well, this morning my caller id said unknown caller and since sometimes unknown caller is my mom on her cell phone and since the call was before the good telephone manners calling time of ten a.m., I thought it might be her because, she is the only person who would call me that early and even then it would be of some urgency to do so. Every one else knows better. So I answer the phone and it went something like this:

(baby screaming in background as I attempt to suction her nose and juggle the phone at the same time)

me: Hello....hello....hello (because Tony's computer doesn't pick up right away)

Tony: Hello Andrew!

me: My name isn't Andrew

Tony: Well, Adriana, hello!

me: (because I don't want to be here all day and for goodness sakes it could be an orderly at a hospital calling for my mom....well, it could have been) My name is Andria.

Tony: Good morning Adrienne. This is Tony from the Texas Department of P*blic S#fety. Blah, blah, blah

me: (I cut him off) Do you realize the time? It isn't even nine a.m. yet.

Tony: Well, ma'am, it's the only time I can reach you and it's imperative that I reach you.

me: Is there a problem?

Tony: Begins his we need money schpiel, something like, we need your support or something.

me: I don't take calls before nine in the morning, I have children who are typically sleeping (not to mention myself) at that time. (he doesn't need to know I have to get up early to take my kid to school)

Tony: Well, ma'am it's the only time we can reach you.

me: I'm not interested in donating, thank you, we are tapped out at the moment.

Tony: I'll just call back another time.

me: I won't have any money later on either, we aren't wealthy.

Tony: I'll just keep calling back until you can.

me: You'll be calling a long time and I won't be any nicer then either. Click.

You better believe I'll be driving the speed limit from now on.

Tony's after me.

Friday, September 07, 2007

My Dress

I love my boys. I really, really do. I would have been happy living my life with the just the two of them, or even the three of them, but I have to confess: I am glad the baby turned out to be a girl.

Three weeks ago I took Elizabeth to the department store portrait studio to have her picture made. I dressed her in a dress I wore *cough* thirty-nine many years ago. My mom gave it to me the day we brought her home. She had kept it all this time in her hope chest especially for my daughter. It was like she always knew she would be here just ready to pose pretty in it. I cried just a little when I dressed Elizabeth in it because I imagined my mom feeling about me the same way I feel about her and all the little dresses I have already stored away in my hope chest for her little one.

I would have loved baby Nate just as much as I love baby Beth, but I don't think he would have looked quite as sweet in that old dress.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

The Aftermath....

So I did it.

I went in early yesterday afternoon to discuss the chapel issue.

I spent the ten minute drive practicing my nice face and positive spin because catching flies with honey is my husband's specialty, not mine, and since he wouldn't miss an important meeting to come handle it for me, I did it myself.

To sum it up....I wasn't real pleased with their reaction. I guess when I spoke with the elementary principal AND the chapel coordinator I expected them to be apologetic over the lack of communication and where they both said they were sorry, I could tell they really weren't. In fact, the secretary, when I informed her of my problem, told me that a quick trip to McD*nalds would fix my kid right up. Sure. They did show me the green form that I should have received and when told that I didn't receive one they just brushed that off to children not being responsible and losing things. I was too nice to bring up the fact that the teacher's message began with "I am so sorry for the late notice but...." because I was a teacher once and asked them if they could email me the next time, if there is a next time, and they just kept pushing that green form and encouraging me to go to chapel EVERY week and changing the subject to how I have my hands full with all these kids and how glad I must be to finally have a know how I feel about the "finally have a girl" thing.

So, I waited out in the hallway until the end of school, as usual, Jacob's class is the LAST one out, she keeps them a good ten minutes later each day, but that's another gripe. Jacob came out, happy to be going home, and I hugged him, which, duh, can't hug a boy in front of his friends, sooo not cool, and told him I was extremely sorry I wasn't there to hear him sing and very loudly told him that I didn't know he was singing until it was over and, honestly, he didn't seem to mind. He said he sang with his best bud and they did a good job and it was scary at first but fun when everyone clapped for them. I got excited because I knew best bud's mom would have it on video so I told Jacob I was sure she would share the tapes with me and you know what? He said bud's mom wasn't there either. His mom misses nothing so I know she wasn't informed either and knew then they could shove their green forms. I also know that she will tear them a new one much better than I ever could in her sweet, southern girl, I'm-being-nice-but-I-really-hate-you way.

Yeah, I am still mad. I would have loved to have seen him up there singing his heart out, but he sang for us after supper and I guess that has to be good enough for now. I still don't know how I feel about this school at this point. For a split second, I thought I might pull him out and enroll him in our neighborhood school, but I don't think things would be any better there. I asked him in the car when he was griping yet again about the long day, if he would like to be homeschooled and, well, no, let's just say he doesn't want to be homeschooled. At least at this school, I know he is happy. He knows the teachers, the staff, the kids, and it's comfortable for him. So for now, I will put it behind me because, really, what else can I do? They know how I feel about it and maybe now that they know I will be more informed. I will chalk it up to first month flub-ups and hope they fix it the next time.

And no, we didn't pull through the MickeyDs on the way home, although I did succumb to extra Webkinz time.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Stop Me Now Before I Do Something I'll Regret


I am so, so, so pissed right now I can barely see straight.

I just returned home, noonish our time, to find a message from Jacob's teacher on our voice mail. My first thought, was, gee, I hope he isn't sick or hurt, then my second thought was, crap, he's probably in some kind of trouble, damn did I forget that stupid belt? But no, it wasn't that. His teacher called at 8:46 this morning to inform me that Jacob would be singing at chapel this morning and it would be nice if I could go see him perform at 9:30. Yes, my son, for the very first time, volunteered to stand up in front of the entire elementary school and sing by himself and I wasn't there to witness it!

Now, in that damn handbook it states very clearly that if your child wants to sing in chapel that I must sign a paper stating it's okay with me and then even more clearly it states that a paper will be sent home a week before said performance requiring my signature so I can also okay that. I never saw any paper. I never signed any paper. I have picked up my child every day from school and spoken directly to that old bitty and not one time did she ever mention how wonderful it was that Jacob would be performing in chapel on September 5 at 9:30. Never.

I spent the morning shooting my baby up with dead viruses at the doctor's office at an appointment that has been scheduled for at least a month. If I had known about the chapel performance last week I would have cancelled. Shit, if I had known about it yesterday, I would have cancelled. Instead, I sat there oblivious while my kid took the stage to looked out to find no one there to cheer him on. For what I pay to send him there, the damn headmaster should have called to give me this information.

Yes, I am going in early this afternoon to speak with the ones in charge. Then when I am done with them, I am going to speak with his teacher and let her know that 45 minutes will never be enough time for me to corral my family and be there for my son. They demand respect from my child, by golly, they are going to learn to find some respect for me and my family.


Man, I'm still pissed!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Tsk, Tsk, Tsk

We went to the lake this weekend. Why, oh why can't my husband work from home and we move there? Who cares that the nearest grocery store is a half hour drive? Why do we need Target anyway? So there's no Chinese takeout and the only sushi you can find is reeled into the boat, people lived for years without those things. I much prefer this view:

as opposed to the moldy six foot fence twenty feet from my back door.


It truly is beautiful up there. I instantly feel less stressed when I get there, even though my work load doesn't change.

This weekend, though, being Labor Day, was a little less serene. I hadn't considered the sheer amount of campers, fishermen, boaters, and jetskiers. I mean, that's fine it's a public lake, but, wow, the more people involved, the more rudeness evolves. What makes people think it's okay to litter? And play chicken with their boat? Or splash your kids with their jet ski just for laughs? I'm all for some beer and a cook-out by the water, but I'll stop before I need to stumble out onto the public dock and throw up all over the walkway. Although I did feel a bit sick watching all the young children being loaded onto boats and jet skis without lifevests. No, not so family oriented that lake this weekend.

Man, it sucks that I've gotten this old. The fact that a bunch of drunks having a good, loud, disgusting time bothers me just proves that I have finally become my grandmother. Just buy me some elastic waist pants and a wicker purse.

Three of a Kind

Even the portrait studio had a hard time.....

So glad it's not just me.