Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Why Can't It Always Be Good

Why don't I live at the beach?   Why isn't this my daily view?

It's always so sad to leave our vacation.   Even if it did pour the first three days, it was fabulous.   Adam and Elizabeth slept until noon each day and Jacob wasn't even there.    Life was good.

But......he's back.

I am trying so hard to stay away from him but it's hard when he follows me within six inches and screeches inappropriate words and hasn't changed clothes in a week...the smell, my lord the smell.

But my mother needs a break and there were things he needed to accomplish here:   thank you notes, college assessments, chores.   I would love to say he got right on that but, no.  We need to pay some fees to the glorified community college but he refuses to sign the agreement that allows us to access his account.   You know, because he's an adult and he doesn't want us in his business.   WHO came up with this shit?   I mean, how many just graduated seniors do you know that just have that money lying around to get it done?   Of course, I realize most of these adults are actually adults and know that if they want to succeed they need to pass the baton to THE PERSON WITH THE MONEY, but I live with a man-toddler who just wants to be an ass about it.   Yes, yes, I should let him fail BUT THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS.    If I don't pay, he doesn't go and HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.    If he doesn't go, HE STAYS HERE and that is exactly what he wants.   His "Gap Year", his lazy time, his sit-on-his-ass-and-do-nothing-because-he-deserves-it.    Yes, I could stop myself right here and let it go but then I get to spend the next year doing the same shit I have been trying to get away from for the past 18.    I really, really hate the person who came up with the stupid agreement.

I want to go back to the beach.   Live there.    My sister is moving there.   Maybe I will go with her.   Do you think she could support my gap year?

Tuesday, June 04, 2019

Next Chapter


Last Friday was a shit show.   To cut it short:   I asked for his college email password so I could complete the housing requirements and he held me at a six hour stand off about it.    He was unmedicated, of course, but it was crazy.  

FYI if you do not yet have college age kids:   Once they turn 18 NO college will deal with you without permission from the 18 year old CHILD.   If you have a spring birthday, get it all done while YOU can still do it yourself.  

Anyway, at about the five hour mark I got in the car (after I located my spare car keys because he thought it would be cute to hide mine) and drove to the Justice of the Peace office (like stupid cop man told me) and procured the previous eviction papers.   I brought them home, told him he could relinquish the password within five minutes or I was filing those papers.   Amazing how quickly he could find it then.   I still haven't heard back from the housing people but, whatever.   My vacation is coming up and I am not thinking about ANY of it until I return.  

See that?

I did that.  

The screaming and griping and you-don't-know-what-you-are-talking-about-just-let-me-sign-up-for-the-easy-stuff, here we are four years later.   He finished high school with THREE endorsements.   I don't really know what that means but it looks better than not having it, am I right?   I do know here in Texas he needs one endorsement to graduate.   Look at me overlapping those classes!  

And that was after he insisted on three years of a PE credit (only needed one).  

It was confusing, all of it was, but I think now I have it all figured out.   Now that he's done.   I'll be ready for Adam and Elizabeth.  

He did graduate.   He didn't actually pass precalculus but his teacher went to WVU and spotted him two points.   I still don't know how I feel about that.   He didn't earn it so shouldn't take it but at the same time?   It's time to move on.  

Suprisingly enough, I bawled my head off through most of it.   YES.   I still need him to move out.   I still need some peace away from him.   I still need a new normal.    BUT.   I cried and cried for what could have been.   No parent should feel such fear and stress from her child and if I am feeling it, he likely is as well and I feel shame and guilt and frustration that I could not raise him any better than I did.   I tried, every day I tried, but I didn't do a good job.   I failed him.   I failed us.   I cry in the hope that he can rise up and overcome and love the rest of his life most likely far away from us.  

And if I cried so hard at JACOB's graduation?   I will need to stay home and watch Adam's online.   I cried yesterday dropping him off at the high school for his first football practice.    NOT.   READY.  

That's the forced keep-from-crying smile.   My sister also told me an hour prior to this that they were moving back to Florida at the end of the summer.   Suffice it to say I cried a lot on Sunday.   And Monday.   Today is Tuesday and so far, so good.   Jacob went to his grandparents for the next two weeks and is apparently attempting to take his drivers test and I am packing and preparing for the best. week. ever.  while also getting ready for my summer preschool job.    We are moving into a new chapter, all of us.