Thursday, January 10, 2019

Happy New Year!

2019....

I swear I am still in 1989.   That was a pretty good year.    Let's Go Mountaineers!   How I miss Morgantown and all that came with it back in those days.   I should have enjoyed it more than I probably did at the time.    I would give anything to have one more day......

Anyway.



18 Christmases.....

I remember rocking that hippie-looking baby and watching the neighbor children walk to the bus and thinking it would be FOREVER before he graduated high school.   2019?   Would we even be here?

Here it is.   It is very surreal.  

I couldn't really see past the 9/11 coverage on the television then, it never felt like this would come.

I struggle daily because I feel like I have not appreciated it as much as I should have.     I imagined it all so differently; would I have liked it more if it had been that way?   I thought being a mom was the easiest job in the world......in 1999.      Lord have mercy, this is a HARD gig.     It NEVER ends.   You don't go home and put it out of your mind.    EVER.   Ask my mom, she knows this well.    Since being a stay-at-home mom for a few months now I can honestly say I am working more now than when I was "working".   I don't know how that is, but it is.    I am tired.

I want to go back and do it again with all of this knowledge and all of these feelings I currently possess......I want to bask in joy every.  single.  hour of their fleeting childhoods.     Mom guilt.   I am owning it big time.

I cannot believe I have a child approaching graduation.   And *fingers crossed* college.

2019.....I want this to be the year we bring joy back.   I want to appreciate my children for WHO they are instead of WHAT they could be.    I want it to slow down because I am not ready to walk this path with the other two.  

Adam starts high school in the fall.    This is currently hurting my heart in a way I never felt with Jacob.   Because:

yesterday.

Is this life?   Always wanting what was?   2006?  1994?   1989?  1976?    I want to want this day right here, right now.    I am sure going to try.  

Happy 2019 ya'll.  

Love your now.




Monday, December 10, 2018

90 Days

My oldest child will be 18 years old in 90 days.

If you are reading and you were here when we started, he was four then.   Doesn't life go by so fast?

There are many reasons I have been sporadic these past 8-9 years.   I got a job and that took away much of my free time.    Mommy blogging seemed to have slowed down at that time as well; I do miss it.   I also didn't have much good to write about.    That doesn't mean we haven't had some, but family life has been somewhat of a struggle and it just didn't feel right to throw it all out there.   I was living a lot of a fake life for my Facebook "friends" and even my real friends, still am a lot of the time.   I never thought we would be here, I don't really know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this.

Let me first preface it all by saying I totally get that so many more people have it way worse than we do.   I am grateful I am not walking my children across a continent for a better life and I am blessed that none of them have perished in a terrible accident.    My husband can be a bit of a ding-dong but he's still here and provides us a very good life.   We eat well (twenty extra pounds to prove it) and we are comfortable in our beds at night where I know there are so many who are not.    I do have a lot to be thankful for.

So....

As most of you know, Jacob has severe ADHD, auditory processing disorder, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, and possibly Asperger's.    I made a bad mistake early on by putting him in a private Christian school thinking these kids would be more accepting of him and, boy, I was very wrong.   We moved him to public school in middle school and things were so much better but it wasn't until tenth grade that he started to make friends.   I really thought this would be the beginning of a big turnaround for him, we were so hopeful for his future and we LOVED these kids.

Anyway, before this time, however, Jacob spent almost an entire summer at a psychiatric day facility after holding a knife on his brother for reasons that still aren't clear to this day.    The other two kids recall this time as "the worst summer ever" because it was JUST far enough away to be too far to come home while he was there and they were too young to be left home alone.

Meds were changed, puberty happened and things got "liveable" but Jacob made it very clear every minute of every day that he did not like us, he did not respect us, he hated his siblings, and he did not feel he should follow any direction that was given.   He failed classes on purpose: "If you don't buy XXX for me then I won't do any of my school work" and he would pick fights with the other kids over the stupidest things.    He threw such a fit at his long time therapist's office a couple years ago that the police were called.   We haven't seen her since.  

But these friends, if there was the thought he might be able to hang out with them for a weekend he would hold it together for a few days (because that was the deal) and we were so happy he had "people".   Everyone needs people.    There are about eight boys and they all seem to be a little awkward as is Jacob and it seemed to work.    They would come here; Jacob would go there.   Things were looking up.    He still hated all of us, but at least he could make relationships with others.

So Elizabeth lost her DS in May and previously when this has happened,  Jacob has it.   Oh yes, he steals things from us for no real reason other than maybe to gaslight us and laugh while he watches us hunt for it.   I still can't find Adam's track pictures that were on my desk, but that's for another day.  Anyway, he goes out "for a walk" and she asked if she could look in his backpack for it.   Hooray!   that's exactly where it was, but also in there were eight empty beer cans and some empty and full tiny liquor bottles.   What?

Well, I thought we handled it pretty well.   I mean, we've been teenagers before so we sat him down and asked how long he'd been carrying these around (since March) and explained to him that if he had gotten caught in school with that he would have been going to prison.   (Texas law says felony convictions start at 17).   We wanted to know where, when, why and, although he made up a load of lies at first, we eventually found out my parents allowed him to have all of those boys spend the night one night with them when we had forbidden it over here because of his grades.    My dad woke up in the middle of the night (light sleeper) and found them stealing all of his 50 year old airplane liquor bottles plus the rest of his stash.   My dad "made a deal" with Jacob that he wouldn't say anything to us if he swore never to do it again.

LOLOLOLOL.

Sure, whatever.    That didn't happen.   What did happen is that caused a small rift between my parents and us because, hello?  he takes a narcotic medication, we should have been told.

So he spends a good bit of the summer up at their lake house like he has done forever.   I came up with the kids one week when he stayed here at home (because he hates me and the kids and refused to be around while we were there) and one night I tried to open a bathroom drawer and it was jammed.   Imagine my surprise when I finally dug it free only to find empty gallon bottles of scotch, gin, vodka, and rum.   My dad keeps that stuff around in case he has company.    They never even knew it was missing.   They live in the woods.   Twenty minutes away from the nearest neighbor.    Was he drinking it all in there alone or did he stash it in something else and bring it home to his friends?  We will never know because he felt his privacy was violated by finding that in his grandparent's bathroom and refused to discuss it.

I wish I could say that was the end of it but it was not.   We find more from time to time and now his story is: "Well, Grandpa said you did the same thing and that's what kids do, so you have no right to get upset about it because he didn't get upset at you." and just to make it more festive a nice and loud "Fuck You!".

For the record,  I drank a little beer out with friends as a teenager.   I never stole, I never drank liquor, and I never hid anything in their house.    My dad is apparently still holding a grudge about it because when this shit went down AGAIN in October he got super ugly about my life in the 80s and how we are not handling this well AT ALL and maybe we need some parenting classes and..........all kinds of other shit that just showed he has gone over to the dark side and at that point I left the house to save my sanity and he still refuses to speak to me.  

Whatever.

I will post another time about the reason Jacob has been forced by his school counselor to see a different counselor who believes he is a narcissist.    Narcissists manipulate others to feel they are wonderful and anyone in their way is completely wrong.    I am currently in the middle of this with him.    I am his target.    He has turned my dad against me and is very close to doing the same with my mother.     It breaks my heart every day because they aren't getting any younger and I am losing this time.

Anyway.

Derick went camping the first weekend in November.    Jacob was still grounded from the incident that happened in the previous paragraph.    He had some sort of theatre performance at an elementary school carnival and he begged and begged to be allowed to go eat out after with "the crew" and then go see a movie and spend the night with someone.    I said no.   He drove me absolutely bonkers for four hours texting and calling.   I told him no.   He did not come home.    I called my mother to see if he was there and she said he told her that I said it was okay so they had driven to her house and picked up clothes and stuff and left from there.   My mom said it would be okay.   He is a senior in high school and should be out having fun with his friends.

Oh yes.   It was so much fun to get a phone call at 12:30 a.m. requesting I come to pick him up and please bring your ID because the policeman won't let me leave without it.

PISSED.   PISSED I tell you.   If you read earlier you know my husband snores.   It was ONE night I could sleep all the way through and, you know, my kid's in police custody.

So he's one town over and when I show up I ask the cop why was I there and he lets me know he and his "crew" broke into an empty house and were having a ball smoking weed and drinking.   I told the cop to arrest him and he laughed at me.    Breaking and entering, illicit substance, intent to sell (there was that much) near a school, underage drinking, and he refused to arrest him?   Okay, whatever.   I told him he's probably see him again then because he ratcheted it up a notch and would continue to do so.

And yes, he continues to do so.   Derick went through his room last Sunday on one of his "walks" and found more weed.    He was livid we went through the things that belong to US and swore he wasn't smoking anymore, he knew better, he was "holding it for a friend", drug test me if you don't believe me!   Which is exactly what we did.   The instructions said it would turn red within three minutes if he had smoked within 1-5 days.   That cup lit up like Rudolph within ten seconds.     He also found a lot of money in his desk.   More money than a kid without a job should have.   While all this time we've been thinking one of the friends was supplying it, now we are wondering if Jacob is supplying it.

He went for another neighorhood "walk" on Saturday and Derick found him a mile down the street walking out of Shell Station (they sell vapes and juuls there).   When he caught up with him at the end of our street and asked him to empty is pockets he chose to jump in the very filthy and cold creek instead.   He took off down the creek  (he can't swim and hates water, sensory thing).   We didn't see or  hear from him until yesterday.    My mother was so upset that he was out there cold and wet but we knew he wanted to spend the night with his friends, he had asked all week.  Sure enough, that was where he went.   I do wonder what the story was when he showed up sopping wet from head to toe.   I am sure it is our fault some way, I have ceased caring what these other parents thing of me ( and they don't think much of me, he has told them all kinds of lies).

I got Texans tickets for my birthday and yesterday was the game.   He knew this.   Derick changed the lock codes on all doors so he could not get in.   Of course he went to my parents.   They were on the way back their lake house (they come here weekends) but he got there just in time to talk them into letting him stay there.   My dad continued home, my mom stayed with him.   Exactly what he wanted.   She feeds him, washes his clothes, requires nothing of him.  We tried to got talk to him last night and he locked himself in the bathroom running all of the hot water down the drain (wasnt' bathing, he doesnt' do that).    My mother was shaking and sick and stressed and wanted him to come home with us.   Our only option to getting him out of that room was the police and she wouldnt' agree to that so that is where he is at.   I assume she drove him to school today, but who knows.    He told us last week that his plan for next year (IF he graduates) is to just kick his grandparents out of that house and live there with his friends.    College isn't for him.    The military is ridiculous.     He's too immature to get a job (what he hears from my parents).     Well, he is well on his way.   I worry what he will do to her.   She swears he loves her so much but after living with him all these years I do know it's not really possible.   He loves himself and that's pretty much it.

We have tried so hard to push him in the right direction.     Some people just don't take to direction.    His therapist said a couple days on the street might make him realize where his life is headed but my mother will never allow that to happen.   She wants to go home but she won't let us deal with it.   I had to walk out when she asked why we didn't deal with this sooner.     Another one crossed over.

All we have done is deal with him.     All of his life.   Day after day after day...........

90 days until adulthood.

But it's never really over is it?





Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Halloween


 Some throwback Halloween for this Halloween Day.

I actually hate Halloween.  

I just don't even understand the concept of every other day of the year we don't take candy from anyone but today, go ahead and go to a stranger's house and ask for some.  

I liked seeing my kids in their costumes but I hate wasting so much money on them when we need to pay a mortgage and buy groceries.    Ditto with the candy.   I like children, really I do, I am a teacher for goodness sake, but candy is expensive and to have enough for our neighbors PLUS the rest of our 20,000+ town that trucks in because we have a gate and they think that equals rich and better candy, we eat leftovers and beans for a couple of weeks.  

I don't have a problem giving to teenagers if they are in a halfway decent costume (I don't want to see a fifteen year old girl's boobs, butt, and abs) but if you drive here in your convertible and get out with your five o'clock shadow in the clothes you wore to school, nope.   If you can buy gas money, you can buy candy.

The same goes for the parents with the still red baby that just exited the womb with no other children holding out a Target plastic bag and telling me trick-or-treat.   No way.   Come back next year.

They are calling for rain, like hail and wind and possible tornadoes this evening and our town FB page is LOSING.  THEIR.  MIND.   Some man just actually posted that he was taking his kids out even if it floods (which it now tends to do a lot now that our sewer system is clogged with Harvey waste) and we BETTER be out there handing out the GOOD CANDY or he was going to vandalize our homes.   I thought he was joking but I read through the comments, he seems pretty serious.  

Alrighty then.

Adam's football team is playing for the district championship tonight.    There were parents who actually wanted to forfeit because they didn't want their TEENAGERS to miss trick-or-treat.   WTH? This is actually a big middle school deal because we missed most of last season due to the hurricane and before that they were a losing team.   They are undefeated and first in the district.   Trick-or-treat  trumps that?  

People are freaking crazy.

Bring on Christmas.  




Wednesday, October 10, 2018

PCB



So we bought a time share last year.   

In Panama City Beach.    

Of course we did.  

It has been our family vacation spot for the past five years.   We LOVE it there.   

Praying and hoping for a good outcome after Hurricane Michael goes through today.

I mean, seriously?   Can we get away from this shit?   Harvey and now Michael?   

Please don't take away my happy place.   


Saturday, September 08, 2018

Counting Loud Sheep

I haven't slept in almost five years.

My husband snores.  

Yes, I have ear plugs.    Still hear it.   I run the industrial garage fan on high.    Doesn't come close.   I bought that adjustable Sleep Number bed the commercials show that stops it with the push of a button.    LOLOLOLOL.  

I spent some time a couple years ago taking Nyquil every night that would get me a few hours but then I would wake up with a bad sinus headache so then I would take aspirin every morning to cure that.   I had to stop that when I developed a stomach ulcer from it.  

He won't use the snoring strips and those didn't help much anyway.  

He had the sinus surgery.   That made it worse.  

He spent $500 for a sleep study just to confirm that, yes, he snores.  

He spent another $1500 for some sort of mouth device from the dentist guaranteed to rid him of snoring forever.   That was three months ago and we don't have a clue if or when he will ever see that thing.   Can you say scam???

I see on the news where women kill their husbands and my first thought:   He must have snored.

I want mad props that he is still alive and breathing.   Every night I think about putting that pillow over his face and just pressing it a little bit too hard.    Lack of sleep makes your mind kind of crazy.

I go to bed by 9:00 most nights.   I sleep until around midnight when he comes to bed and starts his nightly percussive symphony.   I move to the couch but I don't stay there long because I have been out there for so many months it is sagging in the middle and my back starts to hurt.   I move to the recliner but I can never really get comfortable there.   I used to climb into bed with Adam (poor kid is the only one with a full size mattress) but he's older now and it just seems weird.   I have been known to kick him out and send him to the couch.  NOT A LOT.   Lack of sleep makes you less empathetic.  

After all of my attempts at just a little bit of shut-eye fail, I end up watching cheesy cable movies,  Netflix and Amazon Prime, and lots and lots of Antenna TV.   Quantum Leap is on at 2 am central.   You know you miss that show.  

I thought if I quit my job then I could start sleeping during the day, you know, do the housework at night and sleep all day, be on the night shift so to speak.   It's harder than you think to sleep during the day, even if you are seriously sleep deprived.   It's not really working out for me so far.

In this time I have gained thirty pounds, developed a thyroid condition, and now suffer from high blood pressure.    I spent a night in the hospital last November because my blood pressure was so high the school nurse thought I might have a heart attack.    The doctor told me to get more rest.  

Are you kidding?   I wish I could!

About once every three weeks he will sleep on the couch and then WAKE ME UP IN THE MORNING to let me know he slept on the couch FOR ME.  Seriously?   Let me organize the parade because it isn't like I am not OUT THERE EVERY OTHER NIGHT!   I want it known that I have not assaulted him when he always says later the next day,  "I don't understand why you are so grumpy?  You got a whole night's sleep BECAUSE I SLEPT ON THE COUCH FOR YOU."

I love my husband.   He provides well for us and he does the math and science homework with the kids so I don't have to.   BUT.   I look forward to his business trips.   He was supposed to leave Sunday until Thursday and I have been just hanging on this week dreaming of four long nights of slumber next week until he came in tonight and said he wasn't going.   WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU AREN'T GOING?????  

I am just so freaking tired.  

I have seen lots of good shows, though.  













Tuesday, September 04, 2018

We'll Agree to Disagree

We are into our third week of school today.  

The kids are all doing pretty well.   I was pretty worried about Elizabeth as this is her first year attending public school and also the beginning of middle school.    Last year she sat in three classrooms right next to each other all year and this year she has a locker, changes seven classes, and PE.

Yep.   PE.

Elizabeth likes everything about her new school EXCEPT PE.  

This summer she was really looking forward to it.   She'd learn volleyball!   They might do gymnastics!   It will be an easy A!

She HATES it now.   I tried to prepare her but she really had no way of knowing until she got there.

She goes to PE and then goes straight to lunch.   I get a text or a Facetime at the beginning of every lunch to let me know just how much she hated DRESSING FOR PE.  

I remember dressing for PE in middle school as well and hating it just as much as she did.  

WHY? in this day and age of #metoo and personal space is this still a thing?  

Yeah, yeah, I get that they are starting to stink and stuff but really?    WHY?

I am going to go even further and say WHY is PE a required class in middle school/high school?   I know many do not agree with me and I am not saying children should not be physically active, but as a parent of a child who gets plenty of exercise, is at an ideal body weight, and eats healthy foods WHY should she be required to strip down to her underwear in front of sixty other girls so she can do some jumping jacks and run some laps around the gym?  

She will have four more years of required PE class.   That is four credits she could be taking academically and actually learning something that might actually help her later on in life.   WHY do we not get that option?  

Last Thursday she was teary because a girl took her picture as she was undressed and told her she was posting it to Snapchat.   She told the "coach" and was made to run some more for tattling.  On Friday she moved around a row of lockers and was yelled at by the PE "teacher" that everyone dresses by the benches in front of everyone else.   WHY?    I am sure she isn't the only one getting this treatment and hating PE.  

I hated PE as a child for this very reason.    I was involved in basketball and track and enjoyed it UNTIL I got to middle school PE.   The dressing and the shaming and the just un-fun of it made me hate any type of physical activity to this day.    I hate it again because it is doing the same thing to my daughter.  

PE needs to be fun not hurtful.   If a kid doesn't want to do it, don't make them do it.  Let them wear their own clothes if they want.   Shit, they go outside at lunch and goof around and get just as sweaty and stinky.  

I am usually that parent who follows the rules and explains to their children why we these rules are in place but I am not really understanding the importance of this particular rule and I am wondering how many people I piss off this year trying to get it.   If my child is disrespecting you or hurting others in any way you can bet I will be all over that and I will support you wholeheartedly but if she wants to have a little modesty as she strips naked, I have to side with her and question your motives.

I am the nicest person you have ever met until you screw with my child.  

Middle School.   It's a wonder we all get through it with our sanity.   Or do we?

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Back to School

First Day of School 2018
Elizabeth - 6th grade
Adam - 8th grade



Seriously.   I have no idea where the time went.  

My children went back to school.   I did not.

I went back to work in 2010 when Adam was starting kindergarten and Elizabeth came to preschool with me.  Before that I stayed home and took care of them all day.   Now that I am home again it feels like time shouldn't have gone on and they should be five and three again.   I can't explain it.   Like life paused while I was working but, of course, we know it didn't.  

I really loved teaching preschool.   It was the one place I felt instant gratification that I was good at something.   Here at home everything is Momma's fault.   You can't find your shoes?  Momma put them somewhere.   You didn't do your homework?   Momma didn't give you enough time.   Your life is the absolute worst ever?   Momma.   Always Momma.    I don't always feel like a good mom but I always knew I was a great teacher.   For that, I really miss it.  

BUT.

I don't really miss it.  

I have so much more time now.    Our mornings are so much less stressful than they have been the past eight years since I am not on a deadline to get out the door.   I cook a meal every evening and doing  homework doesn't make me want to shoot my eye out.   My house is clean.   I enjoy my children more because I am not doing lesson plans and organizing crafts or just bone tired from spending the day with someone else's children.  

My hope is that I can be the mom my children need right NOW in their lives.   I feel like I haven't been there like I should have these past few years.   Time to focus on my own kids for a change.  

Wish us luck.