Monday, February 22, 2021

Facing My Fear Head On

 Can you believe this?  

16 years old!  

If you go to the beginning of my blog he was 9 or 10 months old.  

Like this....

He'll leave for college in a little over two years.  Oy, my heart.  

I need to write a birthday post but I have so much to say and my mind hasn't organized it yet.  

Anyway, I will tell you this:   Adam caught the COVID.  

I knew he would.  When this started and we were racing through the Denver airport last March to catch our unmasked flight and he asked me why people were getting upset about "a little cold" and I told him he probably didn't need to worry about it but his dad and his grandparents and me did and he scoffed and pulled his best Donald Trump Its a China thing impression I poked him in the shoulder and said, "Well, you'll be the one to give it to us, mark my works, MARK MY WORDS!" and he laughed at me.  

He apologized driving home from school where he had begged me through text to come and get him because he was SICK, so SICK.   I was sure he was giving me the business and forgot to complete an assignment or he and the girlfriend (ugh, she's the worst, another story) had another break-up (think there have been 12 so far).   He wanted me THAT MINUTE to take him to be tested and I REFUSED! Last spring I would have raced there.  Cymbalta.  It's the best.  Anywho, This was Monday on Wednesday he hadn't been awake more thank maybe four hours a day so I figured let's bang this out and, sure enough, he was POSITIVE.  

Some kid at lunch who never sat with him ever before, sat with him on January 29.   On February 1 he had plugged sinuses and congestion, the next day a very slight cough and only for that day.  On February 2 his head hurt, REALLY hurt.  On February 3 he could not taste and that's when I sorta, kinda freaked out a little.  We went through a drive through, I touched his filthy nose swab with my fingers to help him put it in the big biohazard bag to send off.   Never even had another thought about doing that because I was SURE he was negative.  He must only have a sinus infection because, you know, I had that the past two weeks, don't you remember?  You inherited the crappy sinuses and recurrent migraines just like me, don't sweat it little dude, we're all good.  

I almost threw up when I got that text above.   

But by February 5 when we got the results he felt fine, aside from the lack of taste that had gotten worse.  So the rest of us got the earliest test we could and we were all negative.  Today is February 22 and none of us have felt sick since although I do wonder if maybe gave it to Adam because our symptoms were the same almost to the letter but I don't go out anywhere.  Maybe Elizabeth caught it at school and gave it to me and she was never sick?  She is constantly in my face, it could happen I guess.  I can't find anyone to give me an antibody test so I just have to wonder now.   I feel fabulous now.  Again, Cymbalta is the best. The best news though, my parents got the first dose of the vaccine during this time.  We had a "little" winter storm last week so hoping it doesn't push back their appointment for this Friday for the second dose.  We will wait three weeks and then see them again.   Of course I guess Adam can see them now, I stil don't really understand all the rules.  

Have any of you had "it"?  Have you gotten the vaccine?  At first I thought I wouldn't get one but my parents, so far, have had no problems with it.  I want to work again next year.   My boss is starting a kindergarten at her preschool.   I want that job.  I can't wait to get my call.   I have no problem wearing a mask out anywhere for the rest of my life if I have to, I just want to have dinner with people again and not worry about my parents so much.   

Friday, February 12, 2021


 Kiss it 2020!

So much for a weekly post.  

If anyone is even reading this, sorry to leave you hanging.  

Let's see....what went on the rest of the year.....

They cancelled my most wonderful time of the year in June (my PCB vacation).  I spent the entire month of July with my parents.  It was awesome.   We did absolutely nothing and I couldn't have been happier with the exception of losing my mind every time my dad went to the supermarket.  August: Adam started football and it was nerve-wracking but he did well.  September:  kids did online school, Adam still went to football we went to the beach for my birthday with friends.  October: Kids went back to school in person.  I actually needed them to do that.  They weren't doing well online and I needed some alone time.  November: Went back up to the lake for Thanksgiving.  Spent $6.000 online for Christmas gifts.  My husband is still mad about it.  December:  My sister came for Christmas.  They got tested first so it wasn't too stressful.  Adam and Elizabeth were quarantined due to exposure most of December so we were able to enjoy ourselves and not worry too much.  

Oh....the best thing ever.....I went on the maximum dosage of Cymbalta in May for depression and anxiety.  I feel like myself again and I mean myself as in my 2000 self.  I should have done this  years ago.  I don't think I would have made it through without and also without him:  

Have mercy, I cannot believe we got a puppy.   It's a long story.  Maybe I will get to it one day.   Let me tell you, though, I love this sweet baby with every fiber of my being.    I needed him so much more than he needed me.   

I mean, how pitiful.....I couldn't say no.   I actually committed to adopting him before asking  telling my husband.  

His name is now Apollo.  I hate that name.  I wanted Zeke or Marty Bird but no.  Adam got to choose because he is supposed to be  Adam's dog.  He is absolutely,  without a doubt MY dog.  I have never been away from him....he goes with me everywhere which is actually harder than you think with a 70 pound dog.   Of course I don't really go anywhere, just to the store to pick up my curbside groceries but still.  

There's much more to tell but,again, going to try the weekly thing again.  

Wish me luck.  

Monday, May 18, 2020


It still feels like it should be March.   Like we just got off that plane and back into our non-vacation mode and starting it up again.   School.   Work.   Sports.   I should totally be getting out the all the Noah's Ark stuff for that theme we were having the week back.  I didn't go to work that last Friday, took it off so I could prepare for our trip.  I didn't even say a real good-bye to my students.  I wonder if they even remember me.  

Speaking of work.....I love my new boss.   I don't know if ya'll remember when I posted how crappy things got at my last place of preschool employment.   I swore I would never teach in a church setting again, yet, I sure did.   My new boss approached me to just do a one day a week summer class (last summer) and I though, well one day isn't so bad.   She begged me to do the fall and I refused but I did substitute.    A lot.   When that teacher finallly did quit in October I took it so the kids could have stability.   I had been there more days than the actual teacher at that point, it just seemed like the right thing to do.  

Anyway, my new boss.....she is very nice.   She loves what she does and she is fair and kind.   She has come to my house and social distanced in my driveway three times and always brings me some kind of alcohol.   She is taking over an established preschool and wants me to go with her.   Six weeks ago I agreed to do that.    Today.   Not so much.   She just doesn't know yet.  


I want to work there in the fall.   I really do.   I just don't think I can.  My sweet neighbor baby was in my class.   

I want to teach her again next year and I could BUT I don't even let that sweet face near me.   I am SCARED of her.   When I didn't pick her up the first time she ran over she ran back home crying.   It broke my heart in two.   I was on the phone with my mother and she was mortified.  "Go hug that child, what could she have?"  But that's just where we all are.....I have no idea what she could have.  Her dad is still teaching crossfit in the garage.   Her brothers don't social distance.   Her mother goes to work where one person was sent home with "it"  As much as I wanted to let her climb into my lap I was just frozen with fear.  

When I talk with my boss  here in the driveway about next fall, it all sounds so good and fun and then I realize I am looking at it with pre-Covid eyes.  When I think about the actual reality, I can't do it.  I want to, but I just can't.   She said to me that last time she was over, "You have to be all in, ready to swoop in and hug those babies, they will need it".    I nodded.   She left.   There is nothing I love better than loving on some babies, BUT, I dont' think I will be able to do it.  I don't know where these kids will be.  I don't know where there parents will go.    These are kids.   Kids are SNOTTY.   And DIRTY.   They lick things and put their hands in their mouths and struggle with covering coughs and sneezes.   I think I would lose my shit the very first day I walked in and saw them all being perfectly normal children.  


Another thing bites the covid dust.  

I have a telehealth appointment with Jacob's psychiatrist this afternoon.   I need to get a handle on what is left of my life.   It's not fair for my children to have to explain to others that their mother cries a lot now.    I'll keep you posted.  

I saw my mom!  She had a glaucoma check on Friday.   It was a shit show.  They told me she would be the only patient in the office at her appointment time and that was a lie.   She sat trapped in the middle of a crowded waiting room with ten other people who waited over two hours to be seen.   She drove an hour and a half (as did I) so she refused to leave.   Plus they had already done all the invasive, possible virus laced, tests.   She is fine, but I pray and pray she didn't get anything from being there.  Some woman came out not long after I took this picture and told us we had to leave.   I told her she could kiss my ass and she would have to call the police to make me leave.   She said she'd call her landlord....whatever.   Hence another reason I probably need some sort of meds.   I typically don't fight and use the f-word with strangers especially in front of my mother.    Can you believe the dumb woman got offended when I ran from her?   People in Texas refuse to social distance, you have to do it yourself.  

 I just want my life back.   I want my kid's life back.   I want those every Sunday dinners with my parents that I completely took for granted back.  I want to HUG people again.   

Monday, May 04, 2020


Texas opened this weekend.   

Fucking idiots is all I have to say about that. 

You will have to really squint or make it bigger if you can but that is Crystal Beach on the other side of the Galveston ferry on Saturday.   My friend was there and snapped this picture.   

Do you see any social distancing there?   Huh-uh, didn't think so.   25% capacity?   Bwah-ha-ha.  

Crystal Beach is on the Boliver Peninsula.  It is a thin strip of land, many places you can see the water on both sides as you drive through.   Before this day they had ZERO cases of covid.  I am sure these fine citizens probably stopped for food or the use the restroom during their very cramped stay.   I am sure we will see Boliver have cases now.   It's very sad.  

It was a two hour drive to get down to Galveston from here.  We are 20 miles away.  It's never been as crowded as it was this weekend.   I would say 75% of those people would never have gone there on a regular weekend.  But, please, go stand really close to a stranger so you can say the government can't control you.  

Chances are none of these people will get sick.  That's the way it goes isn't it?   Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people.   I am sure some of those assholes down there probably work with Derick.   HE will be the one to catch this virus.   HE will be the one to bring it to his family.   WE will be the ones who get sick.    Or, my biggest fear, lots of these morons drove from hours north of here and as they drive home they stop at the only store my parents have access to and cough all over something there and my dad goes in BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO EAT and they catch it and die.  They have stayed completely isolated for nine weeks going to the post office twice and the store once and they could DIE because some selfish fuck couldn't wear a mask or just stay in their home a little longer.  

I mean, are people REALLY this stupid?  I get they are bored.  HELL, I am fucking bored but do they BELIEVE the virus went away because the governor said they could have a burger in a restaurant?  

My grandmother hated people.   

I am starting to understand her a lot more.  

Tuesday, April 28, 2020


Soon we will have spent an entire month (April) having gone no where.  


Cases continue to rise in our county, our city, our state but heaven forbid we stay in a moment longer. Texas is opening most everything on May 1 (Friday).    We can go see a movie!   Eat inside a restaurant!  Go to the museum!   Might get a virus and die, but what the hell??   Texas is open!

The authorities ask that you wear a mask to cut down on transmission but do want to know what the hell happened?   The POLICE FORCE sent out a snarky nasty gram saying they were never going to enforce that and it was unconstitutional!   The POLICE!   People were out protesting.   Over.  Wearing. A.  Mask.   Things have been pretty shitty in our country for a while now but I do have to say, that was the point where I realized people are complete assholes.    I just don't understand why someone would be against trying to keep their fellow man well.   I am so sad to see this state of our world.   The saddest thing is my husband is right there with them.  Shit, he'll probably be first in line to get to a movie, any movie.  And that, my friends, is where I have some decisions to make.  He hasn't stayed a whole day in this house since this started.   He makes up shit he has to do just so he can go out.   Up to this point his options were pretty limited, but NOW, he can go anywhere he wants, except to get a hair cut.    He doesn't care what he brings home to us.   He's all, it will be what it will be, if we get sick, if we die, that is God's will but do you know what will likely happen?   He will get it and not get sick at all and it will be ME dying.    I half wonder if this is part of a bigger plan.  Maybe that is what he is trying to do?  I know!   That sounds insane but he just.  doesn't   care.

Jacob will be done at college in about two weeks.   We do not really know when because he won't tell us, but he REFUSES to stay and do summer classes so he will have to come home.  He hasn't changed a damn thing about his life the past nine weeks.  He still goes out, he still meets friends, probably still licks poles like he did when he was two.   So, I have done everything possible to keep us virus free inside this home yet if it isn't already here buy my husband it surely will get here through my son.  

We aren't getting away from it.   Just because it's open doesn't mean it's safe.   I am more scared than I have ever been.  

Wednesday, April 22, 2020


Well, Texas is reopening this week.  

Never said we had smart people here.

Of course, most of Texas has been just going about their business anyway.  

I went out for the first time since March 18 this Sunday (April 19).    We drove over to my mom's house here in town because my sister bought my mom a damn plant for Christmas and she wanted me to check on it.   I could not BELIEVE the amount of cars out.   Then we passed the Little Walmart and it the lot was more full than I have ever seen it.  

It was hard to be at my mom's house.   Especially on a Sunday.   Especially on Elizabeth's birthday.   Before all this, we had dinner there every Sunday afternoon.   I realized then how much I had taken it for granted.   I cried a lot.    My parents should have been there.   We should have had homemade peanut butter cake and barbecue and celebrated together but NO.   My parents are four hours away at their other home and it poured down rain and this was the best I could do:

She was surpised.    She actually woke up before I did and dressed herself.   

We were supposed to go down to Galveston to the Pleasure Pier, ride rides, eat deep dish pizza at Marios and then stay in a beach house over night and miss school the next day!  

Well, we missed school.  

I cried a lot.   This pissed everybody off because it really should have been a happy day but I couldn't help it, this is hard.   My child should have a good birthday.  She wanted to see her grandparents and she couldn't and we have no idea when we can see them again.  SURE, Texas is reopening but this virus isn't going away just because the governor says it's okay.  I really don't feel safe going out, especially now that more people will believe it is safe and go out and spread it even more.  We haven't even hit a peak yet, more people dying every day, but by all means, go to Hobby Lobby so you can get a new cross for your wall.  

There was an ad on Facebook a couple days ago from a Subway restaurant here in town that showed a picture of people standing in line pretty close together (on their phones of course) and stated that they were open, you could come in and order and eat.   Really?  According to the "recovery czar" (really, that's a thing in Houston) all businesses are curbsude only but here is Subway wanting you to feel all "normal" again.  THAT is why this is going to be a complete shit show.  No one is going to follow the rules.  In two weeks I foresee deaths and cases tripling and these dumbasses wondering why.  And I want to know who the hell would risk their own life for disgusting Subway sandwich.   I worked there once.   Don't eat there.   THAT places is not safe any given day.  

I just wish this virus would go away.  I don't really understand a lot of the political aspects to this, all I see is fear for our health, but my friend, Rosemary, she LOVES that shit and she called me earlier this week.   In Texas City, our next town over, many residents in a nursing home there contracted the virus a few weeks ago.   It was devastating news.  The doctor in charge of treating them gave them all a combination of arithromycin and hydroxychloroquine.   All 39 cases have recovered and did so in record amount of time, especially for elderly patients.  Why are our politicians dismissing this?   Shouldn't we try anything we can?   I would love to see more study on this and possibly get to a point that when you get a positive test you get a prescription for both the same as tamiflu.  I don't understand why that isnt' happening.  Again, I don't understand a lot of these things and I may be missing something but isn't it worth a shot?   I don't agree with the president either and I am ready for a change, but shouldn't we put those differences aside and do the best for our country and our world? 

I think making deals is a stage of grief.   

Maybe our governor is at that stage.  

Wednesday, April 15, 2020


The weather in South Texas has been beautiful.  At least there is that.   

I bought myself a lounge chair and have been enjoying it in the sunshine.  

Those are my daytime pajamas.  

I consider myself fairly introverted but I have been needing to feel part of something so I moved my chair out front so I could at least see cars go by (way too many cars).

I just moved it out back again.

Our neighbors are freaking idiots.   

I was sitting pretty close to my front door and damn if a lady on a bicycle didn't drive right on up my sidewalk which is TOO CLOSE.  She could have crossed the street when she saw someone but, nope.    Then there is a man who apparently can't do zoom calls in his home so he stands right out in front of my house to do them.   Today he was TOO CLOSE.

  I watch people pass each other and no one moves, there are two sides of the street dingbats!  Some actually stand out there and chat!   

My next door neighbor walked out her front door and instead of using her sidewalk, she walked through my yard to get to her car.  She probably walked within three feet of me.   WTF?   

So I decided it wasn't worth it because seeing these dumbasses just makes me want to move and the backyard seems like a safer place.  

How in hell will we function when they say it's all open?   There will still be virus.    

Safe to assume I am a germaphobe now.