Monday, December 10, 2018

90 Days

My oldest child will be 18 years old in 90 days.

If you are reading and you were here when we started, he was four then.   Doesn't life go by so fast?

There are many reasons I have been sporadic these past 8-9 years.   I got a job and that took away much of my free time.    Mommy blogging seemed to have slowed down at that time as well; I do miss it.   I also didn't have much good to write about.    That doesn't mean we haven't had some, but family life has been somewhat of a struggle and it just didn't feel right to throw it all out there.   I was living a lot of a fake life for my Facebook "friends" and even my real friends, still am a lot of the time.   I never thought we would be here, I don't really know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this.

Let me first preface it all by saying I totally get that so many more people have it way worse than we do.   I am grateful I am not walking my children across a continent for a better life and I am blessed that none of them have perished in a terrible accident.    My husband can be a bit of a ding-dong but he's still here and provides us a very good life.   We eat well (twenty extra pounds to prove it) and we are comfortable in our beds at night where I know there are so many who are not.    I do have a lot to be thankful for.


As most of you know, Jacob has severe ADHD, auditory processing disorder, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, and possibly Asperger's.    I made a bad mistake early on by putting him in a private Christian school thinking these kids would be more accepting of him and, boy, I was very wrong.   We moved him to public school in middle school and things were so much better but it wasn't until tenth grade that he started to make friends.   I really thought this would be the beginning of a big turnaround for him, we were so hopeful for his future and we LOVED these kids.

Anyway, before this time, however, Jacob spent almost an entire summer at a psychiatric day facility after holding a knife on his brother for reasons that still aren't clear to this day.    The other two kids recall this time as "the worst summer ever" because it was JUST far enough away to be too far to come home while he was there and they were too young to be left home alone.

Meds were changed, puberty happened and things got "liveable" but Jacob made it very clear every minute of every day that he did not like us, he did not respect us, he hated his siblings, and he did not feel he should follow any direction that was given.   He failed classes on purpose: "If you don't buy XXX for me then I won't do any of my school work" and he would pick fights with the other kids over the stupidest things.    He threw such a fit at his long time therapist's office a couple years ago that the police were called.   We haven't seen her since.  

But these friends, if there was the thought he might be able to hang out with them for a weekend he would hold it together for a few days (because that was the deal) and we were so happy he had "people".   Everyone needs people.    There are about eight boys and they all seem to be a little awkward as is Jacob and it seemed to work.    They would come here; Jacob would go there.   Things were looking up.    He still hated all of us, but at least he could make relationships with others.

So Elizabeth lost her DS in May and previously when this has happened,  Jacob has it.   Oh yes, he steals things from us for no real reason other than maybe to gaslight us and laugh while he watches us hunt for it.   I still can't find Adam's track pictures that were on my desk, but that's for another day.  Anyway, he goes out "for a walk" and she asked if she could look in his backpack for it.   Hooray!   that's exactly where it was, but also in there were eight empty beer cans and some empty and full tiny liquor bottles.   What?

Well, I thought we handled it pretty well.   I mean, we've been teenagers before so we sat him down and asked how long he'd been carrying these around (since March) and explained to him that if he had gotten caught in school with that he would have been going to prison.   (Texas law says felony convictions start at 17).   We wanted to know where, when, why and, although he made up a load of lies at first, we eventually found out my parents allowed him to have all of those boys spend the night one night with them when we had forbidden it over here because of his grades.    My dad woke up in the middle of the night (light sleeper) and found them stealing all of his 50 year old airplane liquor bottles plus the rest of his stash.   My dad "made a deal" with Jacob that he wouldn't say anything to us if he swore never to do it again.


Sure, whatever.    That didn't happen.   What did happen is that caused a small rift between my parents and us because, hello?  he takes a narcotic medication, we should have been told.

So he spends a good bit of the summer up at their lake house like he has done forever.   I came up with the kids one week when he stayed here at home (because he hates me and the kids and refused to be around while we were there) and one night I tried to open a bathroom drawer and it was jammed.   Imagine my surprise when I finally dug it free only to find empty gallon bottles of scotch, gin, vodka, and rum.   My dad keeps that stuff around in case he has company.    They never even knew it was missing.   They live in the woods.   Twenty minutes away from the nearest neighbor.    Was he drinking it all in there alone or did he stash it in something else and bring it home to his friends?  We will never know because he felt his privacy was violated by finding that in his grandparent's bathroom and refused to discuss it.

I wish I could say that was the end of it but it was not.   We find more from time to time and now his story is: "Well, Grandpa said you did the same thing and that's what kids do, so you have no right to get upset about it because he didn't get upset at you." and just to make it more festive a nice and loud "Fuck You!".

For the record,  I drank a little beer out with friends as a teenager.   I never stole, I never drank liquor, and I never hid anything in their house.    My dad is apparently still holding a grudge about it because when this shit went down AGAIN in October he got super ugly about my life in the 80s and how we are not handling this well AT ALL and maybe we need some parenting classes and..........all kinds of other shit that just showed he has gone over to the dark side and at that point I left the house to save my sanity and he still refuses to speak to me.  


I will post another time about the reason Jacob has been forced by his school counselor to see a different counselor who believes he is a narcissist.    Narcissists manipulate others to feel they are wonderful and anyone in their way is completely wrong.    I am currently in the middle of this with him.    I am his target.    He has turned my dad against me and is very close to doing the same with my mother.     It breaks my heart every day because they aren't getting any younger and I am losing this time.


Derick went camping the first weekend in November.    Jacob was still grounded from the incident that happened in the previous paragraph.    He had some sort of theatre performance at an elementary school carnival and he begged and begged to be allowed to go eat out after with "the crew" and then go see a movie and spend the night with someone.    I said no.   He drove me absolutely bonkers for four hours texting and calling.   I told him no.   He did not come home.    I called my mother to see if he was there and she said he told her that I said it was okay so they had driven to her house and picked up clothes and stuff and left from there.   My mom said it would be okay.   He is a senior in high school and should be out having fun with his friends.

Oh yes.   It was so much fun to get a phone call at 12:30 a.m. requesting I come to pick him up and please bring your ID because the policeman won't let me leave without it.

PISSED.   PISSED I tell you.   If you read earlier you know my husband snores.   It was ONE night I could sleep all the way through and, you know, my kid's in police custody.

So he's one town over and when I show up I ask the cop why was I there and he lets me know he and his "crew" broke into an empty house and were having a ball smoking weed and drinking.   I told the cop to arrest him and he laughed at me.    Breaking and entering, illicit substance, intent to sell (there was that much) near a school, underage drinking, and he refused to arrest him?   Okay, whatever.   I told him he's probably see him again then because he ratcheted it up a notch and would continue to do so.

And yes, he continues to do so.   Derick went through his room last Sunday on one of his "walks" and found more weed.    He was livid we went through the things that belong to US and swore he wasn't smoking anymore, he knew better, he was "holding it for a friend", drug test me if you don't believe me!   Which is exactly what we did.   The instructions said it would turn red within three minutes if he had smoked within 1-5 days.   That cup lit up like Rudolph within ten seconds.     He also found a lot of money in his desk.   More money than a kid without a job should have.   While all this time we've been thinking one of the friends was supplying it, now we are wondering if Jacob is supplying it.

He went for another neighorhood "walk" on Saturday and Derick found him a mile down the street walking out of Shell Station (they sell vapes and juuls there).   When he caught up with him at the end of our street and asked him to empty is pockets he chose to jump in the very filthy and cold creek instead.   He took off down the creek  (he can't swim and hates water, sensory thing).   We didn't see or  hear from him until yesterday.    My mother was so upset that he was out there cold and wet but we knew he wanted to spend the night with his friends, he had asked all week.  Sure enough, that was where he went.   I do wonder what the story was when he showed up sopping wet from head to toe.   I am sure it is our fault some way, I have ceased caring what these other parents thing of me ( and they don't think much of me, he has told them all kinds of lies).

I got Texans tickets for my birthday and yesterday was the game.   He knew this.   Derick changed the lock codes on all doors so he could not get in.   Of course he went to my parents.   They were on the way back their lake house (they come here weekends) but he got there just in time to talk them into letting him stay there.   My dad continued home, my mom stayed with him.   Exactly what he wanted.   She feeds him, washes his clothes, requires nothing of him.  We tried to got talk to him last night and he locked himself in the bathroom running all of the hot water down the drain (wasnt' bathing, he doesnt' do that).    My mother was shaking and sick and stressed and wanted him to come home with us.   Our only option to getting him out of that room was the police and she wouldnt' agree to that so that is where he is at.   I assume she drove him to school today, but who knows.    He told us last week that his plan for next year (IF he graduates) is to just kick his grandparents out of that house and live there with his friends.    College isn't for him.    The military is ridiculous.     He's too immature to get a job (what he hears from my parents).     Well, he is well on his way.   I worry what he will do to her.   She swears he loves her so much but after living with him all these years I do know it's not really possible.   He loves himself and that's pretty much it.

We have tried so hard to push him in the right direction.     Some people just don't take to direction.    His therapist said a couple days on the street might make him realize where his life is headed but my mother will never allow that to happen.   She wants to go home but she won't let us deal with it.   I had to walk out when she asked why we didn't deal with this sooner.     Another one crossed over.

All we have done is deal with him.     All of his life.   Day after day after day...........

90 days until adulthood.

But it's never really over is it?