Thursday, July 25, 2013

Pregnant Pause

No, I am not pregnant.  Scared you huh?

Last week a friend told me she was pregnant.

I smiled and congratulated her and forgot everything else she said after that.

A few hours later I still could not shake the feeling from that announcement.   I know it well, I feel it every time I hear someone is pregnant.   Just the pregnancy.  The baby's birth, nothing but happiness, but the pregnancy, not so much.

I got married when I was thirty years old.  As soon as we returned from our trip I became consumed with starting a family.  In my mind I was already old so who had time for all this getting-to-know-you business?  I mean, that's why you cohabitate before marriage, am I right?

After a few (i.e 2) months,  I freaked because, OLD!

My doctor's advice was to keep on trying and if I ever did get pregnant and had a miscarriage, she would treat me after the third one.   Oooo-Kay.

So what can you do when your insurance covers no one else?  You go home and keep trying.

And trying.  And trying.  And crying.

Unless you were extremely lucky the first time every time, you probably know that feeling of not finding that second line on that urine soaked stick.

Ugh.  It was horrible.  I was sure I would never have a child.   Sure I had a nice home, a good husband, a fabulous dog, but I couldn't see how great it was because all I could see was what I didn't have.

At that time, most of my friends had either had their families or were adding to them.  Each time someone became pregnant my stomach would ache and my ears would start ringing.  I'd smile and congratulate my happy pal and cringe when they'd say,  "oh, I am sure you'll be next", but it never, ever seemed like I was next.

We eventually moved to Texas.  I found a new doctor who was much more proactive and, well, here we are.  I am still thankful to God each and every day that we finally made it here.  Shoot, we even got a bonus baby!  How great is that?  

But still.   Every time someone else gets pregnant, I feel that ache.   Fourteen years later.   Why won't it go away?

This last time I thought, well maybe deep down I want that fourth child so I tried that on for a few days.   I couldn't really get on board with it.  There were too many things canceling out that scenario:   I don't want to move.  I don't want a new car.  I don't want to quit my job.  I don't want to be sliced open again.  I realized then, we are truly complete here.   We are not waiting on someone.  I am happy where we are and I want to keep it that way.

So why then did I get that feeling yesterday when I found out my cousin's very very, very young daughter was pregnant?

Will this stop at menopause?  Because if so, bring that on.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


Five more weeks of summer.

So much for my weekly posting.   What can I say?  We've been busy.

We went to The Woodlands.  Again.  Fifth year in a row.  It's become our summer place I guess.

We dogsat for an entire month.   It was nice to have a dog in the house again.

Even if we had to make a few accommodations.  We still have visitation rights.    Buster used to be "owned" by some very strange people down the street.  They kept him tied to a tree until Hurricane Ike blew through releasing him and he took refuge with my friend.  Now he has two families and as you can see, he lives a good life.  Lucky dog.   He's no Ezra, but I miss him too.

Elizabeth's best friend moved last week.  I almost feel like I've lost another child because she spent many hours/days/weeks here since finding out they would be leaving.   Elizabeth is doing okay, but she spends lots of time wondering what Amelia is doing right that minute in Alpha-bama.   I miss her too.

Elizabeth had a tooth pulled and some cavities filled.......

And so did Adam.  And our dentist quit being a preferred provider yet I didn't find this out until AFTER the procedures.  Will work for dental payments.

The kids who brush four times a day need work and Jacob, the one who NEVER brushes his teeth, had no cavities.  Go figure.

The boys attended Lego camp which could easily have been named Lego Daycare because I can't tell that did anything other than play with buckets of mixed-up Legos which they do every single day at HOME for FREE but whatever.  What did I expect?  Thank you Gammy for paying for it after choking on your ice cream when you heard about our dental bills.

We've been to the lake twice and are going back next week.  I spent a week at the state preschool conference amassing the hours needed to continue working there another year.   I find it interesting that I need 24 hours of training to teach preschool and yet when I taught elementary school, nothing.  I even called the school Jacob will be attending to see if they do any training over the summer and they can, but it is not required.  What?  So just know, if you have a preschooler, I have a masters degree and 96 hours training so bring him over.  I am qualified.

Jacob added a new medication two days ago and so far, woo boy.  It isn't proving to be the miracle drug they promised.   Would be just my luck to have the one kid who got worse on it.

Now that I don't have the extra kid or the extra dog maybe I'll be able to post more.  We'll see.