Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Must. See. Santa.
Santa came at last! I'm not quite sure what that means, but I'm in heaven with all these tags and paper.
Now that I have all these new game cartridges, I no longer need to interact with any of you. Just let me know when it's my turn to open something.
Forget the toys. This new-fangled alien saucer thing is loads of fun.
Phew...what a morning! Are we going to do it again tomorrow?
Merry Christmas Ya'll!
We'll be off to our Christmas vacation at the sleazy motel very shortly so the blog will be closed for the remainder of the holiday season or until we get tired of all the family togetherness, whichever comes first.
Drink some eggnog for me!
Monday, December 24, 2007
My job is to sit outside the bedroom door and make sure all boys are tucked tight in their beds. So far, so good.
Everything has been assembled and now we're just trying to figure out what to do with all the garbage. Things were so much easier before they got smart.
I hope the kids weren't looking forward to candy, though. The polar bear creature from Lost is apparently spending his hiatus in our attic. I must make a note not to store food products there anymore. I also need to get rid of that thing pronto because I would hate for him to mistake this delicious baby for a candy cane.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I just want it to be over.
I haven't enjoyed this holiday season. I don't know what is wrong with me. I haven't tuned into the Christmas carols, I didn't put out the advent stockings, the tree was just thrown together out of necessity and at least half of the usual ornaments stayed in the closet this year. I think it's the sleep thing. Maybe if I weren't so bone dead tired each and every day I might be able to get into it, but so far I got nothin'.
I finally got most of the kid's shopping completed on Monday and was feeling a bit relieved and possibly even a tad jolly until I emptied my pockets onto my dresser and Jacob snuck into my room and read each and every receipt I placed there. Damn him for learning to read! I don't have the time or energy to replace that stuff so Mom and Dad are going to be a lot kinder to him than Santa this year. Maybe I should find a lump of coal and a note for his stocking and hope that 2008 is a better one for him? Santa brings grocery store gift cards. Did you know that? He's all stoked daydreaming about all the gifts he discovered when in reality I just sold most of it to his best bud's mom saving her a trip to the toy store. I'm now wondering if he'll put two and two together when he and buddy compare when they get back to school. Shit.
The husband returned last night but aside from the constant yelling at the children, I wouldn't have known it. He had a "horrible headache" rendering him completely useless except for checking his email and watching Battlestar Galactanerd on the Tivo. He's working late tonight and tomorrow and most of the weekend to make up for all the time he missed on his vacation. Oh, but it sure would be nice of me to go out in all the crowds and traffic and buy and mail his family's Christmas gifts since he just doesn't have the time. Yeah. Like that will happen.
I have to bake five dozen cookies, organize a craft, and find a white elephant gift by nine tomorrow morning. I have gifts to wrap, groceries to buy, floors to mop, and clothes to iron. And I don't iron. I need a snow day. I want a snow day. I'll take a slight dusting with chilly weather day because I feel like I'm trapped in a bad tropical vacation with this balmy weather.
Oh, and the remote finally hit the floor for the last time leaving the tube stuck on Noggin which becomes The-N after five. I can get another one for 249 dollars!
Five more days until Christmas.
Somebody make me an eggnog please!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The husband left yesterday for a relaxing hunting vacation with the guys. You know he needs to relax and all since he works.
Remember when I complained last February when he left me alone with two kids?
I didn't realize how lucky I had it then.
I think I may need to be committed after he returns on Wednesday, yes Wednesday, night.
My boys are in the process of killing one another as I type. I'm afraid to look.
Elizabeth thinks it's funny though. At least she's enjoying herself.
As if this weren't bad enough, when I finally find the time to check the news, I get this. What a way to end my wonderful weekend.
That Fiesta Bowl sure is going to be interesting.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
We had a little winter fun on Tuesday.
It was eighty degrees and sunny so,since snowball fights were out of the question, we dug the pool out and cooked out and pretended it was July.
Of course in July I had a lumpy baby who could not enjoy the swing so much.
She is quite a tasty baby. Just ask that nasty mosquito draining the blood from her leg. Can you believe that? Mosquitoes in December, man. That just ain't right.
If I were a good mom, I would have dried them all off and brought them inside to shield them from the blood-lettings, but they were having too much fun so I took pictures instead.
Come on now. Even the dog was having a good time. What's a few mosquito bites? Trust me when I tell you that it's loads of fun to jump in a pile of leaves and THEN go jump in the pool. Strange, but fun.
Of course, this could explain my kid's confusion about the seasons.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I cannot dig myself out of this funk. I am just not loving Christmas this year. I'm just too tired for Christmas. Maybe I could handle all the rude people if I just weren't so damn sleepy. Why are all the people so nasty this time of year? What's up with that? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of jolly factor going on in December? Maybe it's the weather. Maybe trotting around in a thick Christmas sweater when it's eighty degrees out makes some very cranky. I think ditching the sweater might be helpful, but hey, that's just me.
I am going to bitch some more now. Feel free to mark me as read if you don't want to hear about it. Oh, and there may be swearing.
Tuesday is Little Gym day. I love Tuesday. Donuts, Little Gym, and grocery shopping....my favorite things. Tuesday hasn't been fun today. First of all, some nasty lady at the donut shop kept pushing my kid out of his chair in her attempt to make more room for her big self. She made my kid cry then chewed him out in Spanish over it. Apparently she wanted me to do something about it because she then proceeded to chew me out in Spanish when my donut dudes politely told her we were there first. Yeah, don't screw with us lady. We have connections.
I figured things would go better at LG until two new ladies appeared with their very unsocial children. Adam was thrilled to have new kids to play with and tried his darnedest to include them but they would have no part in it. Okay. Whatever. He took the hint. What yanked my damn chain was when one heavily made up, prissy ass woman asked the teacher to please keep "that wild boy" away from her sweet little princess because he was just making her "too nervous to think". Uh, WTF? My kid was running. And playing. AT THE FUCKING GYM! When the teacher lined them all up to do an activity and my two year old cut in front of the little princess because she wouldn't move her pink ass for everyone else to participate, Perfume Bitch grabbed my kid by the arm and told him to wait his turn. Uh, WTF? I took Adam out of the room, timed him out for two minutes because, yeah, he cut in line and timed myself out as well because had I stayed there, I might have pulled all Crabby's bleached blond grays right out of her head. Now I don't like being confrontational; that's why I got married, I leave that to the husband, but I don't like paying that much money to be treated that way by anyone so I went back in, let Perfume Bitch know that I had taken care of the situation and our conversation went something like this:
Me: I'm sorry Adam moved ahead of the line. He's just excited to have more children to play with today."
Bitch: "Well, he's scaring my daughter. He's not very nice and he plays too rough."
Me: "Actually he's a very nice boy. He's been trying to play and include your child and show her how things are done. LG is a time for the kids to run, jump, and roll, and if that comes off as rough, then maybe this isn't the right place for you and your daughter."
Bitch: Blank Stare. Eye Roll. Whispered scowls to equally bitchy friend.
Yeah, bubble time didn't go well after that.
I hate bitches.
But it had to get better. I was going to the supermarket. I lurve the supermarket. Especially my new, fancy supermarket with the new,ultra awesome customer with child-right up front parking spaces. Of course, they would be even nicer if actual customers with children were able to park in them. They were full when we arrived. Okay. I'm fine with that, We can walk. What pissed me off was the dude with his case of Bus*ch and no kids, the fifty something women with no kids, and the employee, yes, with no kids that I encountered leaving or entering those prime spaces on our long walk to the door. Since I had such good practice in the confrontational arena earlier, I figured what the heck and to every one of those parking space abusers I said:
"Wow, you have the most beautiful child I've ever seen, you must be so proud."
Blank stares all around except for the Bus*ch dude who used his possible drunk noodle to come up with: "I don't have any kids!" Really?! Geez.
So instead of knocking off more of my Christmas list this afternoon, I'm staying home and avoiding all that holiday cheer. I'm thinking that mean boy and I can enjoy the hot weather in the kiddie pool while eating popsicles and singing Christmas tunes.
Yep. He is such a mean, rough little boy. What will I do?
Monday, December 10, 2007
That's why I haven't said much lately. I just don't have anything nice to say.
I am tired.
I am up to my eyeballs in errands and chores and chaffeuring and Christmas shopping so much I can't even think straight.
I get no sleep. The baby is up every night at 10, midnight, three, and six and now she has another cold so there isn't much sleeping between those hours either. The husband likes to tell everyone how tired he is, too, but I can't see how he can be too tired since he's been sleeping in Elizabeth's room alone for at least eight hours a night for the past six months. I have nothing nice to say about that so I won't say anything at all.
I do remember your request to know more about my pre-child life. I've tried to do it, but I don't even know where to start. I can't even remember my pre-child days. What did I like? What did I do? Who was I? I swear, it seems like I've been a mom forever, like I never really had a life until I was one. I don't want to leave you hanging so here's what I've got so far:
I was born.
I was a kid.
I went to high school.
I went to college.
I got a job.
I met a guy.
I got married.
I got a job.
I had a kid.
I had another kid.
And yet another kid.
Not what you had in mind was it?
Maybe one day I'll get that together.
You think Santa can bring naps for Christmas?
Thursday, December 06, 2007
I dressed in gold and blue and handed out pretty booklets about West Virginia University. I told goth girls and long-haired boys all about the array of majors offered. I described the scholarship opportunities for out-of-state students. I talked endlessly about the medical school because every. single. kid was going for pre-med. I dodged the number one party school questions, although I was probably most knowledgeable in that area.
The one question I got the most, though, was "Does WVU have a football team?
Ha. Ha. You teenagers!! Ya'll are so, so funny.
At least I didn't get a whole lot of "Did you know Michael Vick and did he have dogs?" questions my new friends at the Virginia Tech table were fielding.
Honestly. I met maybe ten serious students the entire evening. Apparently the kids got extra credit based on the number of pamphets they could produce today. Pamphlets that are now lying in a chewing gum lined garbage can in some smart teacher's classroom right now. Those books cost money people! If we spend all our money on recruiting paraphenalia how in hell are we supposed to boost our athletic department? Geez.
It was a lot of fun though. I spent three hours with other adults while my husband sat on his ass watching movies while ignoring my kids (FYI, dude, the six year old talks)
The best part was when I entered the "hospitality room" to
It was the best. night. evah.
Monday, December 03, 2007
The Mountaineers suck.
What in hell was going on out on that football field?
Is it the blindingly yellow, butt-ugly uniforms screwing with ya'll?
Seriously. You needed some help dudes.
Man, I would have gone to that Sugar Bowl. I would've listened to that game on the radio in the parking lot of the Super Dome if I couldn't have scored some tickets. Just the mere thought of being at a Mountaineer game, even just a tailgate, for the first time in eight years was exciting. New Orleans is a six hour drive from here. Completely doable, even with all these kids. Arizona, on the other hand, is not.
Oh, and a National championship would've been kind of nice, too.
What I saw on Saturday was excruciating. Horrible. I can't even find words to describe how messed up that was. Those boys made Pitt look good. And Pitt sucks!
I swear this is more proof to substantiate my claim that the BCS is all a sham and the players and teams are paid off to take dives to assure the big teams end up at the big games.
Either that or the entire team was high.
Pat White should win the Heisman Trophy because obviously he is the team. Oh, it was just all so ugly.
Don't even get me started on Missouri.
I'm just not in the mood for it this year.
I am usually very eager to begin the yuletide season, but, damn, I'm still cleaning up from Halloween. Seriously. The costumes are still draped across the upstairs banister and my middle child is sitting on the floor in the pantry eating out of his trick-or-treat bucket as I type. Can we just pretend it's Halloween a while longer? And I don't even like Halloween.
Usually, I'd be wrapping and baking and listening to Christmas carols by now, but I haven't even made a small dent in the Christmas list. I don't even know where to start. I hate going out this time of year. When I went out on Friday, I was smoked on, yelled at, flipped off, and shoved just trying to get some holiday jammies at the Old N*vy. Who says everyone's just a little nicer this time of year?
I might be a little more motivated, too, if I didn't have to listen to the husband scrutinize every single dime that's spent. My husband, he is Ebenezer Scrooge himself. He has decreed that he shall not be buying a gift for me because he does not have the time to shop and we don't have the money to spend and why should the two of us give in to the Hallmarkness of the holiday and just spend money to be spending money?? Awww, he's so romantic like that.
There's no time to string the lights outside. The tree will stay in it's box until at least Sunday. The weather's too warm, I'll be getting no Sugar Bowl tickets, and I just found out that we've been delegated to a motel for the Christmas holidays so there will be room for my sister's family, who refused to come unless they could "spread out". Bah. Humbug.
How does Santa stay so jolly? I need a little of whatever has been prescribed for him.
Friday, November 30, 2007
I can't believe I posted every. single. day.
It was fun, but I'll be glad to go back to my regular programming. I actually feel like I'm missing everyone because with the every day post takes up a bit of my blog-reading time and I know I haven't been commenting as much as I should be. Things will be different in December, I promise.
Of course, December brings Christmas which I am so not ready for. I usually have all of my shopping done by this point and I'm not even half way done this year. Gift cards are looking better and better to me. Can we just skip it this year? I'm just not in the jolly yule mood. Maybe it's the eighty degree weather down here or the three kids running me ragged, but I'm just not looking forward to it. Sad, huh?
Anyway, can you remember when Elizabeth was a mushy, pink lump?
What happened to my floppy-headed doll?
She was replaced by this pretty girl, that's what!
In just a week's time she's grown a tooth, learned to sit, learned to pull herself up to sit, and is attempting to trade scooting for crawling. I can't imagine what she'll attempt next week.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
I have been online for two days trying to secure some tickets and can you believe they're already sold out? A bowl bid hasn't even been extended and the tickets are already gone. Sucks. I'm sure hoping Santa has a few tricks up his sleeve because it would sure be a shame to have to sit out in the parking lot in the cold in January with three little children.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
This morning at the donut shop, I happened to look at Elizabeth and notice a strange rash on her forehead. It wasn't really red, it wasn't raised, it was just a bunch of little purpley pinhead dots that went down her neck and onto her shoulders. My donut dudes suspected dermatitis and I figured, well, she did sleep on clean sheets last night, maybe I accidentally washed them in the fragranced detergent and went on to Little Gym as usual. After loads of fun at the LG, the kids and I took a stroll through the mall and while waiting on Santa again (I couldn't deny my middle child another crack at Ho Ho), I noticed the rash again. It seemed a little more purpley and there seemed to be more behind her ears. Hmmm, time to head home to Dr. Google. Dr. Google's diagnosis: It is urgent that your child be seen by a doctor since the purpley rash didn't blanch white when pressed so your child most certainly has meningitis and likely infected everyone she came in contact with, even poor, poor Santa. I almost passed out then and there.
So, I try to remain calm and dial the pediatrician's office and let them know I have just a teeny concern and they were all like, come in right now, can you be here in ten minutes? That made me vomit in my mouth just a little. I honestly do not remember driving to that office. I couldn't tell you which road I choose to get there. I just remember getting there and seeing our pediatrician, not a nurse, waiting for us outside the door. Surely she was just being friendly I kept telling myself. New policy or something. She didn't seem concerned or anything. I think she was smiling. Yeah, she's just happy to see us. Yeah, that's it. So she takes us to a room, takes Elizabeth and looks her over, pokes at her, asks a bunch of questions and tells me, yep, those are petechiae and she'll be drawing blood to check her platelet count and can two med students come look at her because we don't see those very often.
Damn, that can't be good.
It took all of seven minutes for her to prick my baby's finger and come back with the results and temporary diagnosis. Her platelet count is fine, good in fact, and she guesses the petechiae are from an extended crying fit she had as a result of having to spend one hour with my husband. In those seven minutes I imagined my baby being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness and all that might come with that. Those seven minutes almost killed me. I couldn't even imagine what happens all the time to "somebody else". I thought of my sister and I probably felt only a fraction in seven minutes of what she felt for nine years, probably still feels. I cried with relief when that good doctor told me she thought my baby was fine. I cried in the car on the way home. I cried when I picked up my son. I cried when I looked in the rearview mirror at my three healthy children because I am so, so grateful that they are healthy and ornery and full of life and that, for now, I don't have to live those seven minutes, that I am not "somebody else" today.
If you happen to be "somebody else", just now that you are being prayed for today.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
1.When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Can I drive Jacob to school without brushing my hair?
2.How much cash do you have on you? none
.3.What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? floor
4.Do you label yourself? no
5.Bright or Dark Room? Depends, I like sunlight and refuse to turn the lights on during the day unless it is storming. My husband keeps all the rooms like airport runways after dark and I absolutely hate it, I prefer it at least a little less bright.
6.Why is there always a missing question?I don't get that....should I?
7.What does your watch look like? I have tons of watches. My favorite is a Mary Poppins watch I bought with my first real pay check, but it hasn't worked in some time, but my husband bought me a nice silver armitron watch at Kohls. It's nice, but I wear gold.
8.What were you doing at midnight last night? Nursing a baby, I'm sure.
9.Where is your nearest 7-11? We don't have 7 - 11 here.
10.What’s a word that you say a lot? shit
11.Who told you he/she loved you last? Jacob
12.Last furry thing you touched? Phoebe as she was curled up in bed with me
13.How many rolls of film do you need developed?I haven't used a film camera since I got the nice digital last year, but I did find an old disposable camera of Lauras when we were at the lake that I finished off and I need to have it developed, when I will ever get around to that is beyond me.
14.Favorite age you have been so far? 7
15.Your worst enemy? My neighbors. Horrible, horrible people
16.What is your current desktop picture? The boys in the bluebonnets last year.
17.What was the last thing you said to someone? Take your dirty clothes to the laundry room.
18.The last song you listened to? Just Like Heaven by The Cure
19.What time of day were you born? 12:36 pm
20.What do you do when vending machines steal your money? If I am at a place where someone is working I complain to them and get my money back.
21.Do you consider yourself kind?Yes, most of the time.
22.What’s your life motto? Leave my Elevator Alone.
23.Name three things you have on you at all times. Three pairs of diamond earrings.
24.Can you change the oil on a car? nope
25.When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? My college roommate died in 1999. Her mother and I have written letters back and forth about once a month since she wrote to tell me of her death back then.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
5 Things found in my room
three baby books
a sewing machine
lots and lots of Legos
5 things I’ve always wanted to do:
Be on Oprah's Favorite Things Show (not greedy much)
Build a new home
Go to culinary school
Travel in an RV to Yellowstone
5 things found in my bag
my mini camera/video recorder
a bottle of bubbles
four tubes of lipstick
5 things in my wallet
a gift card to Origins
a raincheck for a three pound bag of lemons
a charge card
a spare car key
5 things I’m currently “in to”
Hiding veggies in my kids food
Private Practice, Pushing Daisies, and Chuck
Lemon Zinger tea
Friday, November 23, 2007
1. Do you still have tonsils? – yes
2. Would you bungee jump? – no way
3. If You Could Do Anything In The World For A Living What Would It Be? – I would sit back and earn money doing absolutely nothing.
4. How many tattoos do you have? – None, but I do intend to get one some day.
5. Your favorite fictional animal? – Snuffleupagus
6. One person that never fails to make you laugh? – Will Farrell
7. Do you consider yourself well organized? – I used to be extremely organized, but that's one trait I lost upon having the second child.
8. Any Addictions? – Soda
9. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? - Headline News
10. Would you rather go to a carnival or circus? – Carnival
11. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? – a teacher
12. Best Movie You've Seen This Year? – I don't think I've seen any movies this year.
13. Favorite alcoholic drink – Blue Moon beer
14. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? – Put my glasses on.
15. Siblings? – I have one sister. The last time I spoke to her was in July. Not because of a riff, just because she never answers the phone.
17. Have you ever gone to therapy? – Yes. We've been to marriage counseling and it was extrememly helpful. If it weren't for the therapy lady I would be a single mother with only one child.
18. If you could have one super power what would it be? – The ability to make money hand over fist without lifting a finger.
19. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? – Not anymore.
20. Have you ever gone camping? – Yes. Didn't care for it much.
21. Gas prices! First thought? – Stay home.
22. Your favorite cartoon character? – The Jetsons
23. What was your first car? – 1986 Toyota Corolla. Slammed it into a hill, I did.
24. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? – no, but I do think it isn't for everyone.
25. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? – The Simpsons
26. Do you go to church? – I should.
27. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? – Paula Deen
28. What errand/chore do you despise? – Cleaning the bathrooms
29. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? – When will I ever sleep again?
30. Last time you puked from drinking? – My birthday
31. What is your heritage? – Hell if I know.
32. Favorite flower? – crocuses
33. Disney or Warner Bros? – Disney
34. What is your best childhood memory? – Going to the candy store, aka the gas station, with my dad every Sunday afternoon
35. Your favorite potato chip? – Cheetos. Do they count?
36. What is your favorite candy? – Lemonheads
37. Do you burn or tan? – I have red hair and freckles. Do the math.
38. Astrological sign? – Virgo
39. Do you own a gun? – Well, my dad bought one for me when I lived alone, but I have no idea what became of it. That's probably not good huh?
40. What do you think of hot dogs? – Hebrew National are the only ones worth eating.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I love Christmas, but there's so much work involved. The shopping, the decorating, the wrapping and unwrapping. Thanksgiving is great because there is nothing more than eating, being grateful, and parades. What's better than that?
We'll be leaving tonight to spend Thanksgiving at the lake with my parents. My mom has all the groceries ready for me to cook the meal early tomorrow. I love to cook, so I am looking forward to it. The weatherman says a cold front is coming so we might even be able to trade our shorts and tees for sweaters and jeans and I am looking forward to that also.
There's no such thing as high speed internet up that way, so I'll be leaving you with a variety of stolen, prewritten memes to get me through the holiday NaBloPoMo. I apologize in advance.
And for them, I am grateful.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
We saw Santa yesterday!
Yes, I realize it isn't even Thanksgiving, but have you seen the lines for Santa at our mall in December? Seeing Santa before we put up the tree is now our new tradition and apparently it's becoming everyone else's tradition as well because we still waited in line. On a Monday afternoon. I shudder to even think how busy old Santa will be this weekend.
Poor old Santa had his lap full this year. Adam was able to ask for his own toys this time (a truck in case you were wondering), Jacob taught Santa all about WebKinz and didn't ask for anything Thomas for the first time ever and I think I heard Elizabeth ask for a pair of shoes.
So now that Santa knows what everyone wants, he needs to get off his ass and start shopping.
Monday, November 19, 2007
She apparently didn't want to miss a minute of her big day because she woke up at five a.m. ready to celebrate.
She also sprouted a brand new, very first tooth for the occasion.
Seven months old!
Shouldn't she be sleeping through the night by now?
Sunday, November 18, 2007
5. I have really, really bad eyesight. Even the Lasik doctor was impressed with my level of near-sightedness and since he's been performing that surgery for many years now, it must be pretty bad. Without my glasses, I can only see colors in front of me. I cannot wait for the Lasik.
6. I love cheesy movies. If it's up for an Academy Award, I probably won't like it. I can usually find all my faves in the five dollar bin at Wal-mart. If it has Will Ferrell or Adam Sandler in it, I own it. And FYI: I got the name Jacob from the movie Richer or Poorer and Adam from Blast From the Past. Virtual kudos to anyone who even knows who was in the movie Richer or Poorer.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Well, more like a phrase, but still, four words strung together to ask for something.
He's been receiving an hour of speech therapy once a week since July. In July he could say only five words: mama, dada, sister, cat, and choo-choo. Now, he's saying so many new words each day I can't even keep up. I've even had to tone down my traffic rants after he started calling all the trucks asses.
But at almost three years old he should be speaking in sentences.
I'm going to count that as a sentence.
My baby is finally talking. He was just waiting for something useful to say.
Friday, November 16, 2007
I moved back to West Virginia in 1998. The husband, although he wasn't the husband at the time, lived in the town twenty miles north of my old hometown and I decided to live in sin with him because my parents hotfooted it south three months earlier. I liked it there because I didn't know everyone like the hometown and, likewise, they didn't know me.
I took a job teaching gifted kids at an elementary school in town and got to know the teachers. I loved the teachers there and looked forward to lunch everyday to get the good gossip and learn more about my new hometown. I started getting bits and pieces about the fourth grade teacher's son being away at a college in Nashville and trying to make it as a singer. I wondered why she didn't put her foot down and make her kid major in something "real" and, honestly, imagined a long-haired, tattooed, honky-tonk singer making his way from bar to bar every weekend trying to make ends meet. Now, none of these teachers knew that I was living with a guy. I didn't think it would look good for the teacher to be shacking up, so I just omitted Derick from all conversation alltogether because I am not a very good liar. So when the fourth grade teacher came in one lunch to tell everyone her son would be home for a couple of weeks another of the teachers suggested she bring him in and introduce him to me because he was soooo cute and I was soooo single and oh, my golly, wouldn't we have a great time together! I had no idea how to get out of that one without giving myself away, so I finally just told them all that I had recently met someone and was not available for blind dates and that was that.
A couple of months later the whole town was all giddy crazy because the hometown boy had released his new CD and it was selling like hotcakes. I assumed it was just a little local CD until I was flipping through and caught the end of the "Who Needs Pictures" video on CMT and the name Brad Paisley flashed up and I eventually put two and two together and realized, duh, Mrs. Paisley's son! He wasn't hairy. He didn't look like a drunk barfly. He was cute. And selling CDs. All over the country. For lots of money. DOH!
So that's how I came thatclose to Brad Paisley and didn't even know it at the time.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The white, round, porcelein thing in each of the bathrooms is a toilet. That hole in the middle is where you aim. That is where the pee goes. The pee does not go on the floor, in the tub, or on the walls. Aim for the hole.
That silver handle at the top of that toilet is very cool. If you press it, it makes a cool noise and you won't believe what happens to the water! You should try it sometime. Believe me, you won't be disappointed.
This letter is to officially inform you that, as of this moment, cleaning pee and flushing toilets is no longer a part of my job description. Please become familiar with the toilet technology as soon as possible so that you may take over these tasks. Thank you.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
It was good. I enjoyed it. It showed the Eighth Street sign. I used to live on Eighth Street. I thought that was exciting so I ran and got Jacob and showed it to him and then I got all teary sad remembering Eighth Street.
Eighth Street was fun. I didn't realize it at the time, but it really was. My best friend was across the street. I could walk to work. There was nothing better than watching my friend's kids love on our doofus dog or wave at me from their front steps. I miss the mailman actually dropping the mail on our porch and snow days and the fricking Big Lots. I miss my friends and my family and my old white house. I could barely see to drive my kid to school for the tears.
But then it dawned on me.
Did they just show the corner of Eighth Street on that video?
I lived near the corner of Eighth Street.
DAMMIT! Could my dream of Brad Paisley knocking on my front door have come true and I wasn't in my house to live it?
Oh, now I'm just pissed.
One more reason I hate Texas.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I got all three kids dressed and ready before the 7:45 deadline this morning, loaded them all into the car, turned the key and got nothing. That car was dead, man. There I was, dressed and hair combed, all wasted because I unloaded my mini-crew and scrapped school today. We've actually had a pretty good day. Jacob helped me clean the toy room without one complaint. He also dusted and swept the floors and folded towels. I was all patting myself on the back at how well I have taught him to help out around the house when he mentioned his real motive: Santa. Hey, if the bearded one keeps my house picked up for the next month, I'm all for it. I really have enjoyed his company today, so much so that I was imagining what it would be like if I scrapped school for the rest of the year and homeschooled him. Then Adam and Elizabeth both pooped all over everything at the exact same time and I came back to reality and realized no way, not now.
For the sake of NaBloPoMo, I am taking requests.
Anything you want to know about me, just ask. I have 18 more days to write this month and there's just so much mother-in-law bitching a person can do.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
"This isn't a photo shoot!" was his reply when I asked for one stinking picture of me with my kids.
He wasn't kidding.
So here is the baby dedication picture.
Grand ain't it?
Saturday, November 10, 2007
He adores sushi, actually. He would divorce me and marry it if he could.
The kids and I, not so much.
Yesterday he went to the fancy grocery store and picked up a load of sushi for his lunch and asked his mother if she'd like to have some too and she said she'd try anything. Heck yeah, because she tried my brie and couldn't get enough of that, figured sushi must be just as tasty.
So he fixes them both a plate of sushi and he explained the pickled ginger to her and she tried it and liked it. What he forgot to explain to her, though, was the wasabi.
You know where this is going don't you?
She thought the wasabi was guacamole.
She loved guacamole at the Mexican restaurant earlier this week.
She ate a huge spoonful of wasabi.
She completely flipped out.
I had to leave the room.
I am the meanest daughter-in-law ever.
Friday, November 09, 2007
When you sit down as a family to eat, does everyone just go to their place?
We do here. I mean, no one assigned seats or anything, but we just all sit in the same place every time. It's the same thing at my mom's house or at the lake. You just know where your place is.
When my mother-in-law arrived last week and we prepared to break bread together for the first time, she went to my chair. No big deal, really, as she doesn't know where we sit and, honestly, I'm not that much of a shrew, it's just a chair, but the husband stopped her dead in her tracks and pointed her to another seat and let her know that it was my spot and she'd need to move, and she did. Then.
Since then, though, she has transformed my place into her own personal communication center. The next day she spread out her bible, her notebooks, her writing pads and pens, her address book, and our phone and neatly organized it into her place. She's there pretty much all day long talking on the phone, writing letters to her friends, and reading. In my place. At first she'd move everything at meal time, but now, it stays and she stays and I end up eating in the corner with an aloe vera plant poking at my head. It really does feel like this is her passive/aggressive way of pushing me aside and making herself front and center and I don't like that. The chair she can have. I just don't like her taking over my whole place.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Geez, it feels like forever.
It makes me really wish we lived close enough so that she'd never have to spend the night, but at the same time, I am so very glad we live so far away so I don't have to deal with her on a regular basis.
I am just very ready for this visit to be over.
She broke a picture frame trying to straighten my pictures.
She let Adam paint himself with non-washable paint when she was supposed to be "watching him".
She yelled at Jacob for hugging her while she was eating.
She dragged Adam into the house by his neck when he followed her outside.
She piled all her smoky clothes into Elizabeth's crib stinking it all up.
She hates my dog.
She ate all of my brie.
Yeah, I'm a big baby. I really wanted that brie.
The good news is she is leaving next Tuesday. I knew she wouldn't be able to last three weeks. The kids are driving her nuts and ruining her "vacation".
I knew those kids would come in handy one day.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
I won't be getting the Lasik after all.
At least not anytime soon.
They won't do Lasik on nursing mothers. Something to do with hormones and crap.
It would have been nice if my eye doctor had notified me of that little stipulation when I met with her last week and informed her four separate times that I was, indeed, still nursing.
I've been dilated and measured twice in two weeks and will just have to do it all over again in eight to ten months.
Yeah, would've been nice to have that information FIRST!
Monday, November 05, 2007
Could I possibly be close to seeing in the shower again? Swimming? Seeing the clock at night?
I go this afternoon for the pre-op appointment and if they determine I am a candidate, I might be spectacle free by the end of the week!
Well, probably next week, but hey, that's still good.
I used to be afraid to have this done. Afraid of going blind. Afraid of side effects. But, damn, I've had three c-sections. I can do this measly little outpatient eye surgery.
And the fact that all of these appointments will be getting me out of the house for large stretches of time is just an added bonus.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Oh, super joy!
I am witnessing my husband losing his spine little by little.
It's agonizing really.
Currently, she's tying up our phone line calling every single person she knows back home to let them know she's in Texas. It's hot in Texas. And her daughter in law ain't too friendly, but she can cook.
She's on hold now so her elderly aunt can go to the bathroom.
Thank goodness for cell phones.
She woke up at 4 a.m. How do I know this? She barreled into our bedroom and made her way to our bathroom, MY bathroom, and went about her business. Loudly. She went out of her way to the other side of the house to use MY bathroom rather than the clean one right next to Elizabeth's room in which she is currently residing. My husband didn't see anything wrong with that. There go another two vertebrae.
Guess who gets to stay home alone with her all afternoon. Come on, guess!
Shoot, I may take up smoking before it's all over with.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Even as a child, I just never understood why in the world people would want to knock on their neighbor's door and beg for candy. It boggles the mind, really. A holiday where we ask our neighbors for outrageously priced goodies and if they don't oblige, we vandalize their property and the cops take a vacation for a night. I still don't get it.
But of course, if everyone else is doing it.....
Anyway, in case you didn't already know it, Halloween is NOT my favorite holiday. Maybe I'd like it in a nicer neighborhood, but I just don't enjoy a day where the hoodlums are actually allowed to cause a ruckus. And the fact that I used the word ruckus, just shows you how old and unHalloweeny I've become.
We took the kids to the church for the annual shindig. Thankfully, we were not involved in the handing out of candy this year, so I didn't have to educate the urban youth on the value of politeness and good manners. I did feel sorry for the poor saps who did though. I mean, how freaking hard would it be to have your kids say thank you to the old people funding their sugar high? And again, please respect the No scary costume sign. If I wanted my kid to see someone with open guts or ten year old prostitutes, we would have trick-or-treated at the trauma center downtown. I am surprised that we were neither egged nor poop-bagged this year, because when we returned home the begging was still in full force and we spent the evening trodding around in the dark since we had no candy, didn't want to keep the kids up, and dang, shouldn't Halloween have a time limit? If we turned on a light, the kids (and adults) were drawn like moths and kept ringing the bell as if they would just melt on the doorstep if they didn't get one more fricking candy bar. Have you tried bathing a baby in the dark? It ain't easy. Yeah, Halloween isn't my favorite holiday.
But I had a banana and bananas are delicious:
How can it be Halloween again? We still have candy leftover from last year. I remember only having boys to wrestle last year. Only two. How did we make it without the girl?
Yes, I had no bananas last year.
But now I do and for that I am glad.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
NaBloPoMo. I am going to post every day in November. Just like everything else I sign up for, I imagine all the fun it will be, then it sneaks up on me and I realize, what the hell did I get myself into?
No, it will be fun. Really. If it kills me.
So, you thought I'd start off with the Halloween recap didn't you?
Not so much. I'll get to it, but not today.
Do you see this?
This is where my son slept last night.
In an unmade bed with a sleeping bag and a mattress pad for covers. Not even a pillowcase, poor guy.
I washed Jacob's sheets yesterday. I did not, however, replace them onto the bed as my husband assured me with many false promises that if he bought the bunk bed, he would take care of all bedding issues for the top bunk.
I let him know three, no maybe four, times yesterday evening that the bed needed made before bedtime. He had to have seen it as he read books to the boys in there before they went to sleep. I stupidly assumed it had been taken care of. I was wrong. I could not believe when I went in this morning to wake my child and saw him curled up on that old, uncovered pillow on top of a bare mattress!
I guess we are in the middle of a sheet standoff because I am sure he is expecting me to do it today and, honestly, I can't. I have no earthly clue how to make that damn bed. It's hard. I won't do it. I did not want that stupid bed. I will not make that bed. I want the old bed back. The bunk bed sucks.
Don't worry. I won't make him sleep like that another night. He can sleep in Elizabeth's room, so I guess that means Mamaw will have to sleep at a motel. Awww.
Halloween tomorrow, I promise.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I must have some sort of internal sensor that draws me to dangerous products.
First Thomas, then Sarge, now this!
Now how in the world did they inject lead into that squishy thing?
Seriously, that was my first thought when I saw it on my muted television last week. Lead, lead, everywhere, lead. I don't have a fricking clue what I'm going to do about Christmas presents at this point, maybe contact some Amish toymakers or something, but I thought I was safe with my friendly bumbo.
Nope. Apparently not.
Apparently some parents think it's okay to use them on tabletops:
Seriously, you need a recall to let you know you shouldn't leave your child alone on a high surface in that thing? Babies move. That thing doesn't have safety straps. Do the math. Never leave your child unattended. Babies 101, people.
Yes, I put my baby in the bumbo on top of the table. No, I am not a complete dumb ass. I never left her side during this photo shoot. See how my arms did not have the ability to clear the table of newly bought groceries because they were busy spotting her wobbly bumbo sitting attempts?
We love our bumbo. Mostly on the floor. With adult supervision.
I just hope it doesn't turn out to have lead.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Anyway, after going a few weeks, I no longer have to order. The ladies at the counter have my kolache, donut, dozen donut holes, and Pepsi ready to go when I get there. They have even kicked up the dozen to fourteen and fifteen and thrown in a free milk now and then, obviously at an attempt to nourish my soda-sharing, pastry-stuffing child. It's good to be a regular.
I like my donut ladies, but one of the reasons I keep going back to that particular place is my donut dudes. Every single morning, five retired men hang out there drinking coffee and shooting the shit. Every time I would walk in, one of the men would state, "she sure has her hands full" and they'd "mm-hmm" in unison and they'd nod in my direction and go back to their conversation. Over time they've begun talking with Adam, showing him the old nickel behind the ear trick, and taking him to see the fish tank. They coo at Elizabeth and take bets on what color her eyes and hair will be. They have included me as one of the guys. We have discussed the best Adam Sandler movies (The Wedding Singer), who should win the Heisman (Steve Slaton), and the weather, always the weather. If I'm a little late, they get concerned. If I have to miss one Tuesday, I guess I'll have to call to let them know. It really does mean a lot to me that they care. I heart my donut dudes.
It took me eight years, but I finally found my place here. Who knew it would be in a strip mall?
Monday, October 22, 2007
Maybe it was meant to be a facial mask because surely you don't eat this stuff?
Please, just take it away. I would rather eat my own arm, thank you very much!
But, I do love the big girl chair! Thanks Mom!
Enough! Enough! This is torture I tell you. I will remember this day when I am choosing your nursing homes. For this, you will pay! You will never sleep again!