Last Friday was a shit show. To cut it short: I asked for his college email password so I could complete the housing requirements and he held me at a six hour stand off about it. He was unmedicated, of course, but it was crazy.
FYI if you do not yet have college age kids: Once they turn 18 NO college will deal with you without permission from the 18 year old CHILD. If you have a spring birthday, get it all done while YOU can still do it yourself.
Anyway, at about the five hour mark I got in the car (after I located my spare car keys because he thought it would be cute to hide mine) and drove to the Justice of the Peace office (like stupid cop man told me) and procured the previous eviction papers. I brought them home, told him he could relinquish the password within five minutes or I was filing those papers. Amazing how quickly he could find it then. I still haven't heard back from the housing people but, whatever. My vacation is coming up and I am not thinking about ANY of it until I return.
I did that.
The screaming and griping and you-don't-know-what-you-are-talking-about-just-let-me-sign-up-for-the-easy-stuff, here we are four years later. He finished high school with THREE endorsements. I don't really know what that means but it looks better than not having it, am I right? I do know here in Texas he needs one endorsement to graduate. Look at me overlapping those classes!
And that was after he insisted on three years of a PE credit (only needed one).
It was confusing, all of it was, but I think now I have it all figured out. Now that he's done. I'll be ready for Adam and Elizabeth.
He did graduate. He didn't actually pass precalculus but his teacher went to WVU and spotted him two points. I still don't know how I feel about that. He didn't earn it so shouldn't take it but at the same time? It's time to move on.
Suprisingly enough, I bawled my head off through most of it. YES. I still need him to move out. I still need some peace away from him. I still need a new normal. BUT. I cried and cried for what could have been. No parent should feel such fear and stress from her child and if I am feeling it, he likely is as well and I feel shame and guilt and frustration that I could not raise him any better than I did. I tried, every day I tried, but I didn't do a good job. I failed him. I failed us. I cry in the hope that he can rise up and overcome and love the rest of his life most likely far away from us.
And if I cried so hard at JACOB's graduation? I will need to stay home and watch Adam's online. I cried yesterday dropping him off at the high school for his first football practice. NOT. READY.
That's the forced keep-from-crying smile. My sister also told me an hour prior to this that they were moving back to Florida at the end of the summer. Suffice it to say I cried a lot on Sunday. And Monday. Today is Tuesday and so far, so good. Jacob went to his grandparents for the next two weeks and is apparently attempting to take his drivers test and I am packing and preparing for the best. week. ever. while also getting ready for my summer preschool job. We are moving into a new chapter, all of us.
Let It Go
14 hours ago