I am still in some sort of fog where I don't really know what to think about this.
On the one hand…..Good for him!
On the other……um, BABY.
Nope. Not a baby anymore. He even has the underarm hair to prove it. Which. Gross.
To be quite honest it has never crossed my mind that Jacob would get DATE, much less a girlfriend of six weeks. I figured we'd head down this road in a few years when Adam was ready, but here we are. Smack dab in the middle of pubescent dating.
I am just winging it ya'll. Have no idea what the protocols are here.
There was no Homecoming Dance, which, why? So they went to a movie for their Homecoming date. We have never let the child go anywhere by himself and suddenly he's walking into a cinema hand in hand with someone else who is not either of us. Very strange. They took pictures in the photo booth and in one they were kissing. I did vomit just a little in my mouth. REALLY not ready for this.
The good news is this, this GIRL, this relationship, this, this, whatever it is, has motivated him somewhat. Oh, he's still failing three classes and he still dabbles in daily curse words, but he bathes. And brushes his teeth. And sometimes he even changes his underwear. All it really takes is a reminder that he can neither 1. drive nor 2. make money to make him self-calm. Sometimes it actually works. He WANTS to see this girl every weekend and he needs us to make that happen. It's a powerful tool.
He has not been miraculously cured. He still has ADHD but now he doesn't fight us about his medications. He even asked to take an extra so they wouldn't wear off on said date.
We still have bad days but I can tell he is trying. Sometimes. Finally.
Last week my Facebook "friend" got stranded in an airport on a layover overnight on her way home from a short vacation. She posted all night long about how miserable it was sleeping in chairs and eating airport food.
The next day she posted a tirade about how she could not believe that out of her 1,000+ friends only 37 posted any kind of encouragement to her and she would just have to tidy up her friend list.
Then, of course, hundreds of people were virtually patting her on the back and, oh, the ((((((hugs)))))))!
Two days later we were no longer "friends".
I felt badly for her. Really. I would be pretty upset if it were me, but after the fourteenth post, well, I get it. It sucks. It sucks being put out for a few hours, especially when you weren't expecting it. Especially when you could have continued enjoying your lovely vacation had you known. Sucks.
You know what really sucks?
Fourteen years of discomfort.
Fourteen years of other's judgement.
Fourteen years of staring eyes, whispering lips, eavesdropping ears.
Fourteen years of screaming, crying, griping, complaining, fighting, arguing.
You won't see me posting my woes on Facebook. I don't need any ((((((hugs)))))))). I have blocked a few fabulous mothers who have actually stated as much. I have even blocked happy families because I just couldn't stand looking at them anymore.
Jealous much? Yeah. probably.
What am I supposed to post?
"My son is making progress in his psychiatric facility!"
"My son actually turned in some school work today! Yeah!"
"It's been twenty minutes and no one's cried yet!
"The police were here! What fun for everyone!"
"We are such great parents! Everyone is getting along. Of course, our oldest hasn't been here for four weeks."
June was lovely. We went to the beach, hunkered down during a "tropical storm", played some games, saw a movie, ate donuts, and swam a lot.
Jacob wasn't here.
He came back yesterday.
July will be hell.
He hasn't been home a full 24 hours and he's broken his retainers in half (those are the third set, there will be no more, not a good choice putting braces on him. Waste. Of. Money.)
He's hidden the remote and the television is stuck on an inappropriate channel.
He's pissed on the floor, stopped up the sink with toilet paper, and ripped up some of the little kid's art projects.
He has continued to call his dad at work to tell him how unfair I am so guess who is now pissed AT ME. (Looking forward to the evening fight, he just stands there grinning as it goes on)
Today I have a headache, I have vomited, I did not sleep last night, and my husband and are at each other's throats.
None of that happened earlier in June.
Let me post on Facebook how beautiful our life is.
Go ahead Facebook "friend" delete me for not using my free time to point out how truly awful you have it. I hope you have a fabulous day spending hours at the gym and eating all those meals such a good cook like you can make. Enjoy your glass of wine while watching a wonderful movie tonight with your super-duper hubby like you do ever other day of your life. So sorry you were inconvenienced for a few hours. So sorry I could't find it in me to care.
I am so thankful that my children are healthy. They have never seen the inside of a hospital other than their own births and that week my mom had the heart attack (which, gratefully, they don't seem to remember and Elizabeth was protected by the womb there). They are so very rarely ill that we didn't realize they'd moved the pediatrician office until we needed a well-check for Boy Scout trip. They aren't rocket scientist smart but have no learning disabilities that hinder their education.
For those things, we are blessed.
We look like a normal family.
We look all happy and shit. Who knew?
Who knew we'd have to call the police to find our child? Who knew our child would shout nasty swear words at the neighbors waiting at the bus stop with their good children? Who knew our child would tell his Sunday School teacher to "go to hell"? Who knew our child would kick me square in the chest and tell me he hoped I'd die quickly and horribly and he would one day do it?
Yeah…..certainly wasn't what I was expecting.
If I thought it was hard having a baby scream bloody murder 15 hours a day, well, I was sorely mistaken.
I'd love to get that back. I feel badly bitching about it now. Why couldn't I see how easy I had it then?
It's hard when people look at you with contempt because they think your rude, ugly child is all your doing. It's even harder when people look at you with pity because your child is wandering aimlessly, unmedicated, talking to himself, and acting like a three year old. A fourteen year old three year old. A fourteen year old three year old who cusses, masturbates, and attempts to hurt you.
Something bad is wrong with my kid. He's getting worse. Exponentially worse. His body is aging but his brain is still emotionally and socially in preschool.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
My husband and parents won't even entertain the idea of taking him to that behavioral hospital. He'll grow out of it, they say. If you'd just let him be, they say. You're too hard on him, they say. Just don't bother him, they say. He's emotional, they say. Don't stir the pot, they say. He wouldn't walk down the street giving you the finger if you hadn't set him off, they say.
Maybe I should get some help. Learn how to deal with him.
Silly me. I thought I'd done that when I got that degree in BEHAVIOR DISORDERS. But, what do I know?
Maybe I could deal with him better if I weren't the only one really dealing with him, but I digress.
I wake up every morning and think maybe this is the day it changes. Maybe this is the day he starts to get better. Maybe this is the day he starts to care, want to be something, want to do something, want to be a happy part of our family. It never happens. After all this time, you'd think I'd get that. Fourteen years thinking this is the day, this is the day, this is the day.
I am a "member" of a local pet page. People post lost and found dogs and the area shelters will be linked so you can feel absolutely horrible that you aren't jumping right up to rescue that dog or cat who has only a FEW. DAYS. LEFT. I have no idea why I joined it (someone sent an invite) or why I keep it up there, but it's there.
All day long pictures of pitiful animals scroll through my feed. The majority are from random people in our community who just don't want their pets any longer.
I don't get this.
Case in point: Lady buys full blooded large dog four months ago and now feels she is "too busy" to give him the attention he needs. Can someone give him a good home? She is only charging a "rehoming fee" of $75. If someone doesn't come for him in two days he is going to the shelter so please someone take this sweet baby.
Number 2: Lady just LOVES her nine year old cat, I mean, after all, he made the trip from Wisconsin to Texas with her and was such good company when she knew no one in town BUT lady had a baby and just CANNOT care for the cat and the baby too! That's hard work! She LOVES her so much, but if someone doesn't take her by the end of the week she'll be going to the shelter.
Number 3: Lady has a yellow lab (it wasn't a lab but if she says so) and she just does not have the time to walk him as often as he'd like and he's just too big for her apartment. She would love for someone to pay the $100 rehoming fee to take him to a place with some land so he could roam. Please click her page and message her if interested. When you click her page you see all the pictures of her with her brand spanking new great dane and in one pic you see the yellow "lab" outside the glass door looking sadly in.
And this just happened in one hour.
What the hell?
I get "rehoming" if your dog is aggressive to you or your children. I get it if you didn't realize you had allergies and can't co-exist. That is misery. But this kind of crap makes me mad. I had three children and didn't have the time I once had for my pets. They didn't really seem to mind hanging by my feet and accepting the petties when I had the time. Ezra ate my favorite shoes, a doll my dead grandmother made for me, and smeared cat poop all over my clean laundry. BUT, we made the commitment to give that dog a home and that's what we did. We found acceptable distractions to keep him away from the shoes. I put my valuables away. I never leave my clean laundry on the floor anymore.
We had that dog almost fifteen years. He's been dead two and a half. I miss him every day.
We were supposed to be in Breckenridge learning to ski but my husband "forgot" to make the plans.
If I want something done, I have to do it myself. This is why the little kids and I will be going to be beach by ourselves in June. There.
So two days into spring break and we haven't really done anything. We cleaned the house and then the kids messed it up with a big fort and then I climbed into bed to watch MeTv and that's about it.
Oh, and Jacob ran away.
Well. Three weeksish ago.
Oh yeah, we found him but not after getting the police involved and six hours of searching in the dark and after a Missing Persons file was created and logged and discussions of Amber Alerts being issued.
One morning he demanded asked for a new charger for that God-forsaken tablet the school issued and I told him I would give him half the $$$ and he could kick in the other half. That did not go over well. He then woke Adam and put him in a head lock, I guess in some kind of attempt to bribe me for it, so I gave him two minutes to get out of the house and walk to school (it was 6:45 am) before I called the police.
Amazingly he left.
When he didn't return home at 4:15 I checked his LDC (Leadership Development Corps…..oh, the irony) schedule and he might have should have been at practice that afternoon so I figured that was what he did. I don't' know why I would think that since he's skipped every single practice of the year, but, eh, I was hopeful.
When he didn't return home by 6:30 I started to wonder. My husband figured he'd turn up when he was ready, I figured I need to call the police because what if something happened to him? He thought I was being irrational but told me to call them if it made me feel better. So I called them and he was all like, "You called the police? Why?" Whole other post there.
Anyway, the police come and kind of brush me off as a crazy person but they go out looking for him anyway. Between the call and their presence (forty minutes) my neighbor saw him on the trail in our neighborhood (I called her first) and went after him and he promptly skittered like a scared cat toward the road. She yelled for my husband and he chased after him and then he ran across a five lane highway without looking both ways. GAH! Why do we even teach them these things?????
After that we didn't see him again.
The police came back four more times and after about four hours looking all over town, going into restaurants and stores and still not finding him THEY started to get worried.
By this time Derick was on his bicycle and would call now and then to see if he showed home. No. We live in a pretty big town. Yes, it's a suburb of Houston, but it's big. We're not in West Virginia anymore.
Eventually Derick called to tell me he found him in the neighborhood and made him come home. So what did he say after all of that? "I'm hungry". The cops were informed and they showed up three minutes later, sat his ass down and very nicely reamed his ass out. Seriously. The policemen were awesome even if they didn't show up until forty minutes after I called.
This was a Wednesday.
On Saturday I asked my mother to come get him and take him home with her. By then I'd had four panic attacks, one so massive I thought for sure I was having a heart attack. My left arm started shaking on Thursday to the point I couldn't hold anything with it and my preschool students thought I was playing a game and would copy me. On Friday my husband informed me he had to fly on a private jet to all of the plants his new bought-his-plant-out company owned and wouldn't that be SO. MUCH. FUN? Oh sure, leave me with a flight risk for seven days. No big deal.
I thought my mother would be helpful but she was mad. She did come and get him. With my dad. And they spent an hour in my face telling me they should have taken him years ago, I was a terrible parent, I needed parenting classes years ago, if I didn't get professional help for my mental illness she would take them all from me.
For the record I have been to four therapists/psychiatrists since Jacob's birth FOR MYSELF and all of them have asked my husband to come in and then they proceed to tell him that I am not depressed or anxious, that I need more help and support at home. So there.
So off they went even though he had two more weeks of school.
Then she called me the next day asking if Jacob had exams and, by golly, he did so she came back and stayed in a Candlewood Suites until spring break started last Friday at noon.
I love my mother with my whole heart but these last two weeks listening to her tell me how absolutely awesome Jacob was for her has made me not really want to speak to her for a while. Of course he's good for her. She admittedly gave him all of his electronics back and without any restrictions. She didn't make him bathe or brush his teeth or take his medications because THAT would be stressful for her.
Since the last time I posted we switched Jacob's medicine (again) to Strattera and some mood stabilizer of which I forget the name. We went back for a two week check and she came with us. She was MORTIFIED when he started yelling and kicking things and attempting to poke holes with pens in the furniture. I almost had to leave the room when my mother told the doctor how he she'd never seen him behave that badly and the doctor says, "Oh really? I was thinking he was actually behaving much better for me today" Which he actually was. This time he didn't greet her with his usual, "Effing B*tch". I guess he was trying to be good for his grandmother. To her credit she would not let him have his games when we got to the car and she got another good show which prompted her to call me later to let me know how torturous this all was for an old woman like her. Hmmmm. Need some parenting classes? Ah, but I digress.
He's at the lake with my parents for the rest of this week. I told her to bring him home on Sunday and at first she was all like, oh no we'll go back to the hotel, but the last I talked to her it seemed she'd be bringing him home of Sunday.
I will not lie and say I have missed him. I have not. At all. My kids got two weeks of waking up for school in silence. We weren't late one time. It was all very "normal" and we needed that.
I hope this break has been helpful for Jacob. I would love for him to come back with a new perspective and attitude towards his family and his school work. I am not expecting it and I dread what will actually happen, but it would be a nice change.
For now, we will enjoy the last of our spring "break".
My children got much less than usual and they were just as happy. Good to know.
I was a huge meanie and got Jacob only four small gifts and a gift card.
I was sure we would have complete chaos on Christmas morning hence the guilt gift card removed from another person's gift at the last minute, but he was fine with it. He was, though, completely out of control since they all came barreling downstairs at 5:30 and that two hour wait for the meds to kick in was blazingly obvious crammed together into the living room under a plastic tree in the dark.
My favorite mall Santa retired and it made me very sad.
Imagine twelve more of him around my mantle and hearth. Awww. I mean, I cried when I found out he wasn't in the mall. At work. In front of three year olds.
But then I found him! In a private studio. I DID NOT HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL AT ALL DURING THE CHRISTMAS SEASON! He is real! And that was the best gift of all. Oh my, I hate the mall on a slow day.
This thirty minute session renewed my children's belief and I relished it knowing this is probably it for us. Someone (the husband) needs to sit Jacob down and explain to him how this portion of Christmas works. Part of his "disorder" is he can completely immerse himself in a fantasy world and this is just another one for him. I know, I know, we (the husband) should've sat him down years ago but this is Jacob. I knew the minute he knew the truth he'd use it against us with the other kids. I just needed this one. last. year. We enjoyed it. It will be sad for me next year. Moving on.
My favorite gift was the splurge King Sleep Number bed. Our old mattress was twenty years old. It was time to go and we bought exactly what we wanted since we'd saved so much not buying one every eight years.
It adjusts. And it's big. And my sleep number is 30 just in case you wanted to know that. I am not ashamed to admit I spent an entire day in that bed.
I thought about making New Year's Resolutions but, eh, I never keep up with those and I have 355ish more days to do any of the things I need to do like declutter the closets, organize the attic, blog more, eat better, yell less.
I do want our mornings to get better. I have no idea how to make that happen. I am seriously considering just letting things go with Jacob. I have tried and tried and tried and tried some more to do things the way a "good mom" would do. I make him comb his hair, brush his teeth, match his clothes, do his homework, but I think I am going to attempt to let it go.
Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymoreeeeee
Hoping the peer pressure and possible grade retention is enough to snap him into action. I doubt it, but I am just so freaking sick of the morning fight. I have two other children. My energy, at least for now, is going into them in the morning.
2015 seemed so far away as I sat in a theater watching Back to the Future 2. Here it is. If only my car could fly.
My trip was lovely. Derick lost Jacob at a Halloween festival and that was a bit stressful. I mean, thanks for letting me know, but what is it you want me to do for you four hours away? He found his very favorite teacher and she kept him for a while, listened to his unmedicated rants, and then brought him home. She was happy to do it because she is THAT awesome of a teacher but, wow, I am pretty embarrassed. Still.
I FINALLY got the 504 coordinator to get back to me. I was passed around like a hot potato for weeks and, what do you know?, as soon as I let them know I had a degree in special education they were very accommodating.
We had our meeting Friday.
Because he has a disability he is entitled to the 504.
They are making no accommodations at this time.
Some of his teachers were there. They were shocked when I told them what goes on at home. One of them said, "Well, I guess you can be happy he doesn't act like that here." Um. No. Not so much. If he can be pleasant and hard-working and helpful at school, I want that here at home. None of those women birthed him. Why all the disrespect for the people who have made his life possible.
We are still on the contract and now all kids are required to choose from a list of chores to earn minutes for Wii/Kindle/DS play. That went very well the first week and a half. Elizabeth has stockpiled six hours and twenty minutes of time. Adam worked like a dog for a while and then he decided playing outside was a better option (I agree). Jacob complains and complains and complains. Anyway, Derick let him take the Kindle to Boy Scouts (that's new, will explain later) because all the boys take their games! And then the next day I asked for it back (because NO ONE is allowed to have electronics before school) and he said he'd lost it. I immediately figured this was a ruse because he obsesses, part of his issue. If he had lost that thing, he'd have been pacing the floor all night long but Derick was like, oh, okay. And I was like, please go up and check, which he did and didn't see it. Of course. And then Derick is making plans later that evening to go back to the Boy Scout church and look for it and he just shrugged and could care less and I told Derick, um, he is playing you.
The next morning I got up pretty early and noticed his light was on. Hmmmm……I mean, it was really early, you know, that damn elf. I am a 4 am riser during the month of December. Anyway, I walk so very quietly up the stairs and push the door open and, sure enough, there he was spread out on the floor playing that Kindle. I just walked right over, unplugged it, and took it off the floor where he'd dropped it and ran saying, "I just found it right here, Dad must have put it there" Yeah.
Well, Dr. Amen talks about how much ADHD kids desire the argument. It actually calms that part of the brain affected by the lack of whatever chemical that is he lacks. I did not say another word to him until ten minutes later I explained he had three minutes to get dressed, find shoes, and walk his ass to school or I was calling the police.
And I meant it.
My goodness what he destroyed and the names he called me and his siblings in ten minutes.
This was the worst fit yet.
Not as long lasting as others, but he was crazed.
As he was leaving I told him he was not to come back to my house that I was not taking abuse from a thirteen year old child.
When we got home around 5 he was at the park across the street.
I did not let him in.
It got dark.
My friend Rosemary called me said he was at her house. I explained how we got there and she insisted on keeping him for the night.
She kept him for two.
Of course, she said he was wonderful and well-behaved for her.
He was okay the rest of the weekend. He is still mad that the Kindle has been indefinitely removed from his possession because of his lying. He lets us know pretty often how unfair we are. We tune him out much of the time.
A week more of school and then he is home for two weeks.
I really don't want him here. That is awful, but I don't.
I don't want the police here either, but anything is possible. It's just a matter of time before we get to that point.
I hate ADHD. Wish it would go away. It's not welcome here anymore.
All my life I thought I'd be the perfect mother. I even majored in it. I aced all the child development classes I took toward my degree in, wait for it, Early Childhood Development and Elementary Education.
And then they were born. First Jacob, who is 8, then Adam, who is 4, and our biggest surprise, Elizabeth who is 2.
As much as I really wanted to be, I am finding out I am no June Cleaver. For starters, The Beav never had a baby sister.