Monday, May 18, 2020


It still feels like it should be March.   Like we just got off that plane and back into our non-vacation mode and starting it up again.   School.   Work.   Sports.   I should totally be getting out the all the Noah's Ark stuff for that theme we were having the week back.  I didn't go to work that last Friday, took it off so I could prepare for our trip.  I didn't even say a real good-bye to my students.  I wonder if they even remember me.  

Speaking of work.....I love my new boss.   I don't know if ya'll remember when I posted how crappy things got at my last place of preschool employment.   I swore I would never teach in a church setting again, yet, I sure did.   My new boss approached me to just do a one day a week summer class (last summer) and I though, well one day isn't so bad.   She begged me to do the fall and I refused but I did substitute.    A lot.   When that teacher finallly did quit in October I took it so the kids could have stability.   I had been there more days than the actual teacher at that point, it just seemed like the right thing to do.  

Anyway, my new boss.....she is very nice.   She loves what she does and she is fair and kind.   She has come to my house and social distanced in my driveway three times and always brings me some kind of alcohol.   She is taking over an established preschool and wants me to go with her.   Six weeks ago I agreed to do that.    Today.   Not so much.   She just doesn't know yet.  


I want to work there in the fall.   I really do.   I just don't think I can.  My sweet neighbor baby was in my class.   

I want to teach her again next year and I could BUT I don't even let that sweet face near me.   I am SCARED of her.   When I didn't pick her up the first time she ran over she ran back home crying.   It broke my heart in two.   I was on the phone with my mother and she was mortified.  "Go hug that child, what could she have?"  But that's just where we all are.....I have no idea what she could have.  Her dad is still teaching crossfit in the garage.   Her brothers don't social distance.   Her mother goes to work where one person was sent home with "it"  As much as I wanted to let her climb into my lap I was just frozen with fear.  

When I talk with my boss  here in the driveway about next fall, it all sounds so good and fun and then I realize I am looking at it with pre-Covid eyes.  When I think about the actual reality, I can't do it.  I want to, but I just can't.   She said to me that last time she was over, "You have to be all in, ready to swoop in and hug those babies, they will need it".    I nodded.   She left.   There is nothing I love better than loving on some babies, BUT, I dont' think I will be able to do it.  I don't know where these kids will be.  I don't know where there parents will go.    These are kids.   Kids are SNOTTY.   And DIRTY.   They lick things and put their hands in their mouths and struggle with covering coughs and sneezes.   I think I would lose my shit the very first day I walked in and saw them all being perfectly normal children.  


Another thing bites the covid dust.  

I have a telehealth appointment with Jacob's psychiatrist this afternoon.   I need to get a handle on what is left of my life.   It's not fair for my children to have to explain to others that their mother cries a lot now.    I'll keep you posted.  

I saw my mom!  She had a glaucoma check on Friday.   It was a shit show.  They told me she would be the only patient in the office at her appointment time and that was a lie.   She sat trapped in the middle of a crowded waiting room with ten other people who waited over two hours to be seen.   She drove an hour and a half (as did I) so she refused to leave.   Plus they had already done all the invasive, possible virus laced, tests.   She is fine, but I pray and pray she didn't get anything from being there.  Some woman came out not long after I took this picture and told us we had to leave.   I told her she could kiss my ass and she would have to call the police to make me leave.   She said she'd call her landlord....whatever.   Hence another reason I probably need some sort of meds.   I typically don't fight and use the f-word with strangers especially in front of my mother.    Can you believe the dumb woman got offended when I ran from her?   People in Texas refuse to social distance, you have to do it yourself.  

 I just want my life back.   I want my kid's life back.   I want those every Sunday dinners with my parents that I completely took for granted back.  I want to HUG people again.   

Monday, May 04, 2020


Texas opened this weekend.   

Fucking idiots is all I have to say about that. 

You will have to really squint or make it bigger if you can but that is Crystal Beach on the other side of the Galveston ferry on Saturday.   My friend was there and snapped this picture.   

Do you see any social distancing there?   Huh-uh, didn't think so.   25% capacity?   Bwah-ha-ha.  

Crystal Beach is on the Boliver Peninsula.  It is a thin strip of land, many places you can see the water on both sides as you drive through.   Before this day they had ZERO cases of covid.  I am sure these fine citizens probably stopped for food or the use the restroom during their very cramped stay.   I am sure we will see Boliver have cases now.   It's very sad.  

It was a two hour drive to get down to Galveston from here.  We are 20 miles away.  It's never been as crowded as it was this weekend.   I would say 75% of those people would never have gone there on a regular weekend.  But, please, go stand really close to a stranger so you can say the government can't control you.  

Chances are none of these people will get sick.  That's the way it goes isn't it?   Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people.   I am sure some of those assholes down there probably work with Derick.   HE will be the one to catch this virus.   HE will be the one to bring it to his family.   WE will be the ones who get sick.    Or, my biggest fear, lots of these morons drove from hours north of here and as they drive home they stop at the only store my parents have access to and cough all over something there and my dad goes in BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO EAT and they catch it and die.  They have stayed completely isolated for nine weeks going to the post office twice and the store once and they could DIE because some selfish fuck couldn't wear a mask or just stay in their home a little longer.  

I mean, are people REALLY this stupid?  I get they are bored.  HELL, I am fucking bored but do they BELIEVE the virus went away because the governor said they could have a burger in a restaurant?  

My grandmother hated people.   

I am starting to understand her a lot more.  

Tuesday, April 28, 2020


Soon we will have spent an entire month (April) having gone no where.  


Cases continue to rise in our county, our city, our state but heaven forbid we stay in a moment longer. Texas is opening most everything on May 1 (Friday).    We can go see a movie!   Eat inside a restaurant!  Go to the museum!   Might get a virus and die, but what the hell??   Texas is open!

The authorities ask that you wear a mask to cut down on transmission but do want to know what the hell happened?   The POLICE FORCE sent out a snarky nasty gram saying they were never going to enforce that and it was unconstitutional!   The POLICE!   People were out protesting.   Over.  Wearing. A.  Mask.   Things have been pretty shitty in our country for a while now but I do have to say, that was the point where I realized people are complete assholes.    I just don't understand why someone would be against trying to keep their fellow man well.   I am so sad to see this state of our world.   The saddest thing is my husband is right there with them.  Shit, he'll probably be first in line to get to a movie, any movie.  And that, my friends, is where I have some decisions to make.  He hasn't stayed a whole day in this house since this started.   He makes up shit he has to do just so he can go out.   Up to this point his options were pretty limited, but NOW, he can go anywhere he wants, except to get a hair cut.    He doesn't care what he brings home to us.   He's all, it will be what it will be, if we get sick, if we die, that is God's will but do you know what will likely happen?   He will get it and not get sick at all and it will be ME dying.    I half wonder if this is part of a bigger plan.  Maybe that is what he is trying to do?  I know!   That sounds insane but he just.  doesn't   care.

Jacob will be done at college in about two weeks.   We do not really know when because he won't tell us, but he REFUSES to stay and do summer classes so he will have to come home.  He hasn't changed a damn thing about his life the past nine weeks.  He still goes out, he still meets friends, probably still licks poles like he did when he was two.   So, I have done everything possible to keep us virus free inside this home yet if it isn't already here buy my husband it surely will get here through my son.  

We aren't getting away from it.   Just because it's open doesn't mean it's safe.   I am more scared than I have ever been.  

Wednesday, April 22, 2020


Well, Texas is reopening this week.  

Never said we had smart people here.

Of course, most of Texas has been just going about their business anyway.  

I went out for the first time since March 18 this Sunday (April 19).    We drove over to my mom's house here in town because my sister bought my mom a damn plant for Christmas and she wanted me to check on it.   I could not BELIEVE the amount of cars out.   Then we passed the Little Walmart and it the lot was more full than I have ever seen it.  

It was hard to be at my mom's house.   Especially on a Sunday.   Especially on Elizabeth's birthday.   Before all this, we had dinner there every Sunday afternoon.   I realized then how much I had taken it for granted.   I cried a lot.    My parents should have been there.   We should have had homemade peanut butter cake and barbecue and celebrated together but NO.   My parents are four hours away at their other home and it poured down rain and this was the best I could do:

She was surpised.    She actually woke up before I did and dressed herself.   

We were supposed to go down to Galveston to the Pleasure Pier, ride rides, eat deep dish pizza at Marios and then stay in a beach house over night and miss school the next day!  

Well, we missed school.  

I cried a lot.   This pissed everybody off because it really should have been a happy day but I couldn't help it, this is hard.   My child should have a good birthday.  She wanted to see her grandparents and she couldn't and we have no idea when we can see them again.  SURE, Texas is reopening but this virus isn't going away just because the governor says it's okay.  I really don't feel safe going out, especially now that more people will believe it is safe and go out and spread it even more.  We haven't even hit a peak yet, more people dying every day, but by all means, go to Hobby Lobby so you can get a new cross for your wall.  

There was an ad on Facebook a couple days ago from a Subway restaurant here in town that showed a picture of people standing in line pretty close together (on their phones of course) and stated that they were open, you could come in and order and eat.   Really?  According to the "recovery czar" (really, that's a thing in Houston) all businesses are curbsude only but here is Subway wanting you to feel all "normal" again.  THAT is why this is going to be a complete shit show.  No one is going to follow the rules.  In two weeks I foresee deaths and cases tripling and these dumbasses wondering why.  And I want to know who the hell would risk their own life for disgusting Subway sandwich.   I worked there once.   Don't eat there.   THAT places is not safe any given day.  

I just wish this virus would go away.  I don't really understand a lot of the political aspects to this, all I see is fear for our health, but my friend, Rosemary, she LOVES that shit and she called me earlier this week.   In Texas City, our next town over, many residents in a nursing home there contracted the virus a few weeks ago.   It was devastating news.  The doctor in charge of treating them gave them all a combination of arithromycin and hydroxychloroquine.   All 39 cases have recovered and did so in record amount of time, especially for elderly patients.  Why are our politicians dismissing this?   Shouldn't we try anything we can?   I would love to see more study on this and possibly get to a point that when you get a positive test you get a prescription for both the same as tamiflu.  I don't understand why that isnt' happening.  Again, I don't understand a lot of these things and I may be missing something but isn't it worth a shot?   I don't agree with the president either and I am ready for a change, but shouldn't we put those differences aside and do the best for our country and our world? 

I think making deals is a stage of grief.   

Maybe our governor is at that stage.  

Wednesday, April 15, 2020


The weather in South Texas has been beautiful.  At least there is that.   

I bought myself a lounge chair and have been enjoying it in the sunshine.  

Those are my daytime pajamas.  

I consider myself fairly introverted but I have been needing to feel part of something so I moved my chair out front so I could at least see cars go by (way too many cars).

I just moved it out back again.

Our neighbors are freaking idiots.   

I was sitting pretty close to my front door and damn if a lady on a bicycle didn't drive right on up my sidewalk which is TOO CLOSE.  She could have crossed the street when she saw someone but, nope.    Then there is a man who apparently can't do zoom calls in his home so he stands right out in front of my house to do them.   Today he was TOO CLOSE.

  I watch people pass each other and no one moves, there are two sides of the street dingbats!  Some actually stand out there and chat!   

My next door neighbor walked out her front door and instead of using her sidewalk, she walked through my yard to get to her car.  She probably walked within three feet of me.   WTF?   

So I decided it wasn't worth it because seeing these dumbasses just makes me want to move and the backyard seems like a safer place.  

How in hell will we function when they say it's all open?   There will still be virus.    

Safe to assume I am a germaphobe now.

Tuesday, April 14, 2020


That's a whole month ya'll....


Just wow.

I woke up today in all kinds of pain.   I have had what I thought was some kidney pain, maybe a bladder infection coming on with my lower back for a couple days.  This morning almost my entire body hurt.   It is pretty apparent I don't have a kidney infection.   It has to be that bed.    What is strange is I sleep well up there (until the neighbors wake up).    That new pad helps the bed but it is still so very hard and I apparently, in my old age, can't do a hard bed.   My sleep number is 30 and sometimes 25 so it's bad.

I am currently washing all the sheets in "my old bedroom" and may have to try again tonight.   I really, really don't want to sleep with him during this.   I still fear he is bringing it home and I social distance from him here in the house as best as I can.  


Spending time together the covid way.

I have even moved to the old recliner because Derick always sits in the good one every evening.   It's cloth so probably covered in germs.  The chair probably isn't helping things.

Adam needs a hair cut and I can't figure out how to do it.  We used to have clippers but Derick sold them for a dollar in a garage sale.   Of course he did.  They are over $50 on Amazon and can't get them until May.   He is losing his mind.   He likes to look good.  His hair is pretty long.

For him.

Thank God for Marco Polo.   My friend Eve and Julie and I just send each other videos all day.   Our bad days usually don't sync so we can lift the sad one up when needed.   I Facetime my mom every day.   She sits in front of a window and the sun coming through washes her all out and I can barely see her but I can see her.   Still trying to figure out how to get them some groceries.

Elizabeth's birthday is Sunday.   It's going to be interesting.   So far we have no plans.   Imagine that.

Twelve years ago today.   

I feel so sad for all of these kids, all around the world.   So much for them to deal with and try to understand.  

Her principal called me yesterday, concerned about her lack of initiative.   She assured me that we are not alone in this situation, many children are struggling BUT if she fails she'll be doing more online school in the summer as well as forgoing electives to take "Target Language Arts" and Target Math". In other words, remedial classes.   I wanted her retained, they refuse.   I thought losing her theatre and athletics electives might be just the push she needed but she's still in bed, no work has been done.   

I just want to wake up from this bad dream.   

Monday, April 13, 2020

What Day is This?

I think we are on Day 30?   Don't quote me on that.  

Our life seems so strange, I know it is that way for everyone, but everything was "normal" when we left for Colorado and changed quickly while we were gone.   When we returned there was no school, no work, no hanging out.  My kids are depressed, I am depressed, my husband seems happy as a clam, but what do I know?   He's never been one to show much emotion.

Pre-lockdown my days were like this:

Wake up, shower, wake kids, get them off to school, watch the Today show, teach 2-3 year old three days a week, chat with friends, stop at someplace for lunch maybe hit the grocery store, Check the computer for all the "news", connect on Facebook, clean my house, do the laundry, start supper, take kids to activities, pick kids up from activities, watch said activities, eat supper, watch tv, watch more tv, go to bed.   Lather, rinse, repeat most days.

Today:  Wake up around 9ish, lie in Jacob's bed  and decide if it's worth getting up.   Eventually rise because Jacob's window faces our street and our neighbor is still doing cross-fit classes in his garage and they are loud.  Go downstairs and disinfect all doorknobs, counters, switches, basically anything I know Derick has touched or breathed on.  I no longer turn on the Today show because when I was my anxiety levels were way too high.  I do try to catch Hoda and Jenna, they are a little more light-hearted, but usually the television is off.  I log onto the computer to check school assignments but I no longer cruise my Yahoo News or anything remotely similar.   Sometimes I check Facebook but if there are too many scary ads, nope, it goes off.  At the beginning I wasn't eating at all, much less Jersey Mikes Subs and Sonic.  I lost ten pounds in two weeks.   I am right where I have been trying to be for the past year but I can't put on my two piece swimsuit and go to the beach.    Now I am eating more but it's sad.  I don't want the things in my pantry and then I feel guilt because my poor parents have no milk, fresh produce, or snacks.  Sometimes at this point I might sit and cry.    I attempt to nap some days but that never comes.   My anxiety and heart rate is too high for this.  I do the laundry, mostly just towels now because no one is going to school so pajamas are the only things in the baskets.   I attempt to come up with something for a meal, sometimes I am luckier than other times.   My kids never like what I cook so I am just cooking for Derick, really.   After dinner I used to bathe and then wind down from my busy day but climbing into my adjustable bed and watch Antenna TV (Archie Bunker's Place, Alice, It's a Living, Three's Company) and some days catch the shows I love:  Manifest, 9-1-1, The Resident, Chicago Med.   Not anymore.  I haven't been in my bedroom for over a week.   I always took that time for myself, I needed it, my self care I guess.   Derick always complained while he watched his own shows out in the living room but, really, most evenings he had chamber meetings or boy scout meetings.  Now we usually watch Netflix.   Together.   In the living room.  It's actually kind of nice.  Or was until Derick stayed up later than me one night and moved too far ahead on Ozark.  Maybe we will find something again after he finishes it.

Its just interesting that what was once so important isn't so much anymore.  I play games on Sporcle, it's fun, but I actually brought my computer to Colorado and West Virginia so I couldn't miss a day.   The site gives badges for all kinds of things and I couldn't miss because I had to get the 100 day and 150 day etc.   It seems ignorant now to even think of it.   I was up to 170 days until it went back to 0 last week.   I wasn't even phased by it.  I haven't even logged in since.  

Yesterday afternoon.

Well, late in the afternoon.   They slept until 3:30 and I finally decided we needed a family meeting to discuss that situation and, let's just say, I was pretty persuasive.   Also, they would do anything to have their internet back.

It was a nice evening.  I would be okay doing this again.   And again.

Our lives will never go back to normal.   Some of those things I will really miss.   Some of the changes are welcomed.