Wednesday, May 08, 2019

Ramped Up

Have you ever just wanted your life to end?  

I don't know what I did to deserve this, I have always thought of myself as a pretty decent and good person, but apparently I pissed off the universe sometime, somewhere.  

I give.   I'm done.  

My husband had a Boy Scout event on Saturday so he was gone all day.   In case you aren't aware, we had two Boy Scouts for a while, they quit.   My husband keeps going.   Of course he does.   If he is there, he doesn't have to be here.   This happens almost every weekend.    I BEG him not to leave me with him and he just chuckles.   He is not as awful to him as he is to me and I am Jacob's target.   He attempts to pit him against me through lies and when I tell him Jacob did XXX and then Jacob gives him Yes, Sir, No Sir, he gives me the side-eye.   Years.   Years of this.  


Jacob started screaming at 9:54 because "It is 6 fucking AM I shouldn't have to empty a dishwasher before daylight!"  and kept going.    Anytime I attempt to get help from my husband his response is to call the cops.   Everytime.   This time I didn't even call him.   I called the police.   The short version of this story is the cops were complete assholes and actually had him record them telling him that until he graduates we are legally obligated to him and CANNOT kick him out.

Seriously.   They seriously did that.  

The cop in October told us we could evict him at 18.  I guess that is not a thing.  

Also, you need to go through the local government to have him evicted and he has thirty days after the forty-five days it takes to complete the eviction process.    He has squatter's rights.  

Today, he missed the bus.  

A solid hour of stomping, cussing, slamming doors, throwing things, beating on the other kid's doors, spitting, splashing toilet water, peeing on the floor.   The three of us locked in our rooms.   My husband, of course, is at work.   He would never behave that way if he were here.

When I finally "get up" since I need to get these other kids dressed and out the door, he bellows at me that I need to "get my ass up and take him to school".     Oh yes!   Let me get on that!   I said no.   Act Two commenced.  

So here we are.     He can walk to school.   He walks home every day.   He just won't because my lazy ass should be driving him.   He called my husband, of course, told him a bunch of lies so that guarantees our evening should be just as pleasant as our morning.     I guess he'll stay here all day long cussing and screaming and destroying whatever he can whenever he wants because I was told specifically the police could not help me.   I told them he might kill us one day and that bald ass fuck just shrugged.  

I am done.   I am just fucking done.   I do not know where to go from here.    I just know I cannot continue.  This "child" is never going anywhere.   He won't graduate now because he knows he can live here forever if he doesn't.   He doesn't have to work, doesn't have to contribute, doesn't have to pay bills, he just stays here every fucking single day of his life and abuses us and is allowed to do so. If he were my husband those cops would be encouraging me to leave, it's my child so now I can't?    AND I need to work and support him?  

I understand the desperation suicidal people feel.   You feel trapped with no one to turn to and no where to go and the complete and utter unhappiness just buries you.    I try.   I try to fix this.    Everyday I try to fix this.   Everyday of the past 18 miserable years but it never gets better.   At least before I always had an out.   I knew the day would come that we did not need to keep him here, something to look forward to (and I realize that looking forward to the day you kick your child out is pretty perverse), and's not there.   Our sentence has been extended.      

It will never end.   I have been given life without parole.    And I don't even know what I did.  

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Take Two

Still no college......still not passing.

Just in case you were wondering.   LOL.

These kids are going to kill me.

Last week it was Adam.

I got a call on Friday that was cutting it out:   ""   I was on my morning walk.   I ran home.

So apparently Adam has been leaving his coveted office aide class early since January and on Friday they finally got tired of it.  

Maybe I should have dealt with it, huh?   I would have been all over that if KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I mean, seriously.   We go from he's-such-a-good-kid-we-felt-a-warning-was-sufficient to in school suspension in twenty minutes.    Grrrr......

This is the same school that wouldn't allow him to attend a field trip because he had a library fine and when I brought to their attention that we could not find notification of a fine ANYWHERE I was told the government shutdown kept them from doing that.    O-K.  

Adam deserves punishment for disobeying their directions.   I am not disputing that at all.   In fact, I really didn't dispute anything because my first instinct when I returned that call was to cry and tell some woman I have never met, "NOT THIS ONE TOO".     All I could think was what have we done?   Why do we have TWO of them?   Why can't my children behave?   Can life expectancy be 50 again?   I might have even said these things out loud.    Could be why she suggested some outside psychiatric help for me........LOL.....I have some!   Thanks!

So anyway, my children both come home and they are loud and using their hands to tell me what happened that morning and, you know what?    I got a completely different story from them.   I know, I know, you're thinking they didn't do it yada, yada, yada.   That wasn't what I got.   From them I got some story about Adam having Elizabeth's ID tag and the librarian (the one who couldn't send library notices due to the shutdown) noticed and sent Adam to the office and then got Elizabeth out of class to get her ID and instigated some showdown between the two accusing Adam of stealing her ID.   Adam's story is he picked hers up on the way out the door which I do believe because I have asked him to take hers to her before and he's refused because he doesn't want to be caught dead with it.   The librarian's story was he was trying to pull a prank by buying a dance ticket with her ID (she already had a dance ticket).


Elizabeth says he pulled out his phone and the principal put her hands on the counter and said, "That's it, you have ISS"    Adam says he pulled out the phone to call me for his ID because the librarian kept asking where was his ID.   Elizabeth was coddled and patted on the head and sent back to class and Adam was sent immediately to the ISS room and that was when I got the half-phone call.


I relayed the story I got and they were both confused.

Why wasn't this woman forthcoming if she felt he was being disrespectful and just say, "Adam was being disrespectful therefore he has an in school suspension"    I mean, TWO DAYS SUSPENSION for taking your phone out?   OR TWO DAYS SUSPENSION for leaving class early?

Either way,  I think the punishment is excessive since this is the first I have EVER heard about him being a problem in any way.   Now he misses the eighth grade trip, an athletic field trip, and he sure won't be getting that character award at the end of the year.

BUT.   I said nothing.   I thought at the time he was clearly skipping class and deserved the punishment, now I am not so sure.   I feel like I was played.   I called yesterday to get the full story and (surprise) haven't heard back.

He served his suspension and all it's done to him is make him hate school, distrust adminstrators, and lie in bed depressed as soon as he returns home.  

Last week, different kid.  

Here we go again.  

I want off the roller coaster.

Thursday, April 18, 2019


I know everyone has seen all about Aunt Becky and Lynette Scavo's cheating their children's way into college.   I can't remember how to link to anything, so you can google it if you've been on a long vacation on a desert island.


It's terrible.   It's unfair.   It's really, really obnoxious, but you know what?   If I had $500,000 to toss around, I can't say at this point in my life I might not do the same thing.

Barring a miracle, Jacob won't be going to college.   He did finally bring up his SAT score to something pretty respectable.    We paid plenty of application fees.    We paid even more fees to have his scores sent to said schools because "I just didn't feel like plugging those in on the stupid SAT".    We paid even more fees to have his transcripts sent to five schools that have dorms and he was accepted to three that we know of.   We should all be rejoicing right now because he should be going to a good school without having to pay a dime and we and our little children could breath a smile of relief knowing this daily turmoil would soon be coming to an end.  

Oh, but no, that's not happening.   Jacob decided he wanted to go a community college down the street and told those other schools he wasn't interested.  

Community college = lives at home

He doesn't have a drivers license and is no longer interested in getting one.    Guess who would have to drive him to school like a freaking preschooler.

That's if he can still even get into that one.   He hasn't completed one assignment at all this last nine weeks period.   He is failing everying except his three theatre classes but he's coming close with those.    He is convinced he doesnt' have to supply them a final transcript.   We are idiots you know.

I have no idea what is going to happen.    I don't think he is going to graduate.   We told him he had until April 15 to bring his grades up and affirm to one of the sleep away schools that he would be a student there or we were kicking him out on June 15. .   He pretty much gave us the finger and told us to try.  

I seriously have to wonder if all these rich people had kids they could no longer live with.    I fully expect Adam and Elizabeth to gain entry to the college of their choice (or a backup) on their own mertis.   They have to learn to do for themselves and if they want it, they will work for it.   Jacob, I wish to all that is holy that there was something we could do to pull up at some school (preferably far away) and drop him off and leave him there.    He can't go to the military because of his medications. All I see in his (and our) future is a 40 year old loser mooching off our dime and doing absolutely nothing while continuing to treat us shabbily.    My anxiety is so amped up right now just anticipating this shit show I seriously ponder my desire to live, at least here, with him.  

I don't know, if I had $500,000 I don't think I'd rule it out.   If you had any idea what it's really like in our house, you might not even judge me.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019


This baby.....

I miss him.  

I would give my dying breath to kiss that little cheek and rock him to sleep just one more time.   

Fourteen years ago when I found I was pregnant with my second child I prayed daily (sometimes hourly) for this one just to love me.    Jacob was (still is) a difficult little soul and it was apparent from day one that he despised me.   I don't really know what happened there, maybe it was the three weeks in the NICU or maybe it was my mom who swooped in his first night home and glued herself to him and I just let her because I was so very tired and so very unequipped to deal with the incessant screaming like I probably should have been.   Maybe I was (am)a bad mother?   I have been in therapy for years to answer that question to which I will likely never have the answer.   I have just had to make peace with it and move on.   

Anyway, this isn't about Jacob, this is about Adam.   

OK....I just wanted a baby to love me and, BOY, did this baby love me.   He would have nothing to do with anyone else.   He would push his little hand out if another adult tried to take him.    He clung to my leg while I cooked meals and crawled into my lap any time I sat down.    He didn't say much those first four years but he didn't need to:   Adam LOVED me.    

 Prayers answered.

I shouldn't put such a burden on a child but Adam was my redemption.    He proved to everyone, if really only myself, that I could be a good mother.   He saved me.   It really wasn't until he was born that I began to feel like a mom, giving love and receiving love in return.    I LOVE Adam.

With the teenage years upon us things aren't as sweet as they used to be but there is no mistaking his love continues.   He is always grateful if I do something for him (like bring his track uniform to school AGAIN) and he has learned the very difficult skill of saying and showing he is sorry when needed.    Although he will no longer hug his sister at school, he does oblige her one when they get home every day (usually).   He always tells me he loves me when he leaves the house (or vice versa). He teaches the neighborhood kids football plays and includes the often shunned Muslim kid down the street.   He sees no color, no religion, no social class.  

In school he plays football, runs cross country and track, and was appointed an office aide for one class period which requires positive teacher recommendations.   He makes As and Bs completely without my help and input.   He has figured out his complete four year path that will allow him to attend his dream school:   Texas A&M.   He has many friends, I can barely keep track of them all.   Giggly girls show up at our door asking for him, Elizabeth says they follow him down the hallway at school.   So far Fortnite and Madden 19 have most of his attention, but he does sit with one particular girl on the bus every day, according to my accidental spy.   

Adam turned 14 on January 23.   It's taken this long to write this because there is always something.   I am so blessed to be able to raise this child.   I pray now daily that all of his dreams come true, that he has friends, becomes successful, is HAPPY.     

Thank you God for answering my prayers and giving me THIS loving little baby.    

Happy Birthday Adam!   

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Happy New Year!


I swear I am still in 1989.   That was a pretty good year.    Let's Go Mountaineers!   How I miss Morgantown and all that came with it back in those days.   I should have enjoyed it more than I probably did at the time.    I would give anything to have one more day......


18 Christmases.....

I remember rocking that hippie-looking baby and watching the neighbor children walk to the bus and thinking it would be FOREVER before he graduated high school.   2019?   Would we even be here?

Here it is.   It is very surreal.  

I couldn't really see past the 9/11 coverage on the television then, it never felt like this would come.

I struggle daily because I feel like I have not appreciated it as much as I should have.     I imagined it all so differently; would I have liked it more if it had been that way?   I thought being a mom was the easiest job in the 1999.      Lord have mercy, this is a HARD gig.     It NEVER ends.   You don't go home and put it out of your mind.    EVER.   Ask my mom, she knows this well.    Since being a stay-at-home mom for a few months now I can honestly say I am working more now than when I was "working".   I don't know how that is, but it is.    I am tired.

I want to go back and do it again with all of this knowledge and all of these feelings I currently possess......I want to bask in joy every.  single.  hour of their fleeting childhoods.     Mom guilt.   I am owning it big time.

I cannot believe I have a child approaching graduation.   And *fingers crossed* college.

2019.....I want this to be the year we bring joy back.   I want to appreciate my children for WHO they are instead of WHAT they could be.    I want it to slow down because I am not ready to walk this path with the other two.  

Adam starts high school in the fall.    This is currently hurting my heart in a way I never felt with Jacob.   Because:


Is this life?   Always wanting what was?   2006?  1994?   1989?  1976?    I want to want this day right here, right now.    I am sure going to try.  

Happy 2019 ya'll.  

Love your now.

Monday, December 10, 2018

90 Days

My oldest child will be 18 years old in 90 days.

If you are reading and you were here when we started, he was four then.   Doesn't life go by so fast?

There are many reasons I have been sporadic these past 8-9 years.   I got a job and that took away much of my free time.    Mommy blogging seemed to have slowed down at that time as well; I do miss it.   I also didn't have much good to write about.    That doesn't mean we haven't had some, but family life has been somewhat of a struggle and it just didn't feel right to throw it all out there.   I was living a lot of a fake life for my Facebook "friends" and even my real friends, still am a lot of the time.   I never thought we would be here, I don't really know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this.

Let me first preface it all by saying I totally get that so many more people have it way worse than we do.   I am grateful I am not walking my children across a continent for a better life and I am blessed that none of them have perished in a terrible accident.    My husband can be a bit of a ding-dong but he's still here and provides us a very good life.   We eat well (twenty extra pounds to prove it) and we are comfortable in our beds at night where I know there are so many who are not.    I do have a lot to be thankful for.


As most of you know, Jacob has severe ADHD, auditory processing disorder, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, and possibly Asperger's.    I made a bad mistake early on by putting him in a private Christian school thinking these kids would be more accepting of him and, boy, I was very wrong.   We moved him to public school in middle school and things were so much better but it wasn't until tenth grade that he started to make friends.   I really thought this would be the beginning of a big turnaround for him, we were so hopeful for his future and we LOVED these kids.

Anyway, before this time, however, Jacob spent almost an entire summer at a psychiatric day facility after holding a knife on his brother for reasons that still aren't clear to this day.    The other two kids recall this time as "the worst summer ever" because it was JUST far enough away to be too far to come home while he was there and they were too young to be left home alone.

Meds were changed, puberty happened and things got "liveable" but Jacob made it very clear every minute of every day that he did not like us, he did not respect us, he hated his siblings, and he did not feel he should follow any direction that was given.   He failed classes on purpose: "If you don't buy XXX for me then I won't do any of my school work" and he would pick fights with the other kids over the stupidest things.    He threw such a fit at his long time therapist's office a couple years ago that the police were called.   We haven't seen her since.  

But these friends, if there was the thought he might be able to hang out with them for a weekend he would hold it together for a few days (because that was the deal) and we were so happy he had "people".   Everyone needs people.    There are about eight boys and they all seem to be a little awkward as is Jacob and it seemed to work.    They would come here; Jacob would go there.   Things were looking up.    He still hated all of us, but at least he could make relationships with others.

So Elizabeth lost her DS in May and previously when this has happened,  Jacob has it.   Oh yes, he steals things from us for no real reason other than maybe to gaslight us and laugh while he watches us hunt for it.   I still can't find Adam's track pictures that were on my desk, but that's for another day.  Anyway, he goes out "for a walk" and she asked if she could look in his backpack for it.   Hooray!   that's exactly where it was, but also in there were eight empty beer cans and some empty and full tiny liquor bottles.   What?

Well, I thought we handled it pretty well.   I mean, we've been teenagers before so we sat him down and asked how long he'd been carrying these around (since March) and explained to him that if he had gotten caught in school with that he would have been going to prison.   (Texas law says felony convictions start at 17).   We wanted to know where, when, why and, although he made up a load of lies at first, we eventually found out my parents allowed him to have all of those boys spend the night one night with them when we had forbidden it over here because of his grades.    My dad woke up in the middle of the night (light sleeper) and found them stealing all of his 50 year old airplane liquor bottles plus the rest of his stash.   My dad "made a deal" with Jacob that he wouldn't say anything to us if he swore never to do it again.


Sure, whatever.    That didn't happen.   What did happen is that caused a small rift between my parents and us because, hello?  he takes a narcotic medication, we should have been told.

So he spends a good bit of the summer up at their lake house like he has done forever.   I came up with the kids one week when he stayed here at home (because he hates me and the kids and refused to be around while we were there) and one night I tried to open a bathroom drawer and it was jammed.   Imagine my surprise when I finally dug it free only to find empty gallon bottles of scotch, gin, vodka, and rum.   My dad keeps that stuff around in case he has company.    They never even knew it was missing.   They live in the woods.   Twenty minutes away from the nearest neighbor.    Was he drinking it all in there alone or did he stash it in something else and bring it home to his friends?  We will never know because he felt his privacy was violated by finding that in his grandparent's bathroom and refused to discuss it.

I wish I could say that was the end of it but it was not.   We find more from time to time and now his story is: "Well, Grandpa said you did the same thing and that's what kids do, so you have no right to get upset about it because he didn't get upset at you." and just to make it more festive a nice and loud "Fuck You!".

For the record,  I drank a little beer out with friends as a teenager.   I never stole, I never drank liquor, and I never hid anything in their house.    My dad is apparently still holding a grudge about it because when this shit went down AGAIN in October he got super ugly about my life in the 80s and how we are not handling this well AT ALL and maybe we need some parenting classes and..........all kinds of other shit that just showed he has gone over to the dark side and at that point I left the house to save my sanity and he still refuses to speak to me.  


I will post another time about the reason Jacob has been forced by his school counselor to see a different counselor who believes he is a narcissist.    Narcissists manipulate others to feel they are wonderful and anyone in their way is completely wrong.    I am currently in the middle of this with him.    I am his target.    He has turned my dad against me and is very close to doing the same with my mother.     It breaks my heart every day because they aren't getting any younger and I am losing this time.


Derick went camping the first weekend in November.    Jacob was still grounded from the incident that happened in the previous paragraph.    He had some sort of theatre performance at an elementary school carnival and he begged and begged to be allowed to go eat out after with "the crew" and then go see a movie and spend the night with someone.    I said no.   He drove me absolutely bonkers for four hours texting and calling.   I told him no.   He did not come home.    I called my mother to see if he was there and she said he told her that I said it was okay so they had driven to her house and picked up clothes and stuff and left from there.   My mom said it would be okay.   He is a senior in high school and should be out having fun with his friends.

Oh yes.   It was so much fun to get a phone call at 12:30 a.m. requesting I come to pick him up and please bring your ID because the policeman won't let me leave without it.

PISSED.   PISSED I tell you.   If you read earlier you know my husband snores.   It was ONE night I could sleep all the way through and, you know, my kid's in police custody.

So he's one town over and when I show up I ask the cop why was I there and he lets me know he and his "crew" broke into an empty house and were having a ball smoking weed and drinking.   I told the cop to arrest him and he laughed at me.    Breaking and entering, illicit substance, intent to sell (there was that much) near a school, underage drinking, and he refused to arrest him?   Okay, whatever.   I told him he's probably see him again then because he ratcheted it up a notch and would continue to do so.

And yes, he continues to do so.   Derick went through his room last Sunday on one of his "walks" and found more weed.    He was livid we went through the things that belong to US and swore he wasn't smoking anymore, he knew better, he was "holding it for a friend", drug test me if you don't believe me!   Which is exactly what we did.   The instructions said it would turn red within three minutes if he had smoked within 1-5 days.   That cup lit up like Rudolph within ten seconds.     He also found a lot of money in his desk.   More money than a kid without a job should have.   While all this time we've been thinking one of the friends was supplying it, now we are wondering if Jacob is supplying it.

He went for another neighorhood "walk" on Saturday and Derick found him a mile down the street walking out of Shell Station (they sell vapes and juuls there).   When he caught up with him at the end of our street and asked him to empty is pockets he chose to jump in the very filthy and cold creek instead.   He took off down the creek  (he can't swim and hates water, sensory thing).   We didn't see or  hear from him until yesterday.    My mother was so upset that he was out there cold and wet but we knew he wanted to spend the night with his friends, he had asked all week.  Sure enough, that was where he went.   I do wonder what the story was when he showed up sopping wet from head to toe.   I am sure it is our fault some way, I have ceased caring what these other parents thing of me ( and they don't think much of me, he has told them all kinds of lies).

I got Texans tickets for my birthday and yesterday was the game.   He knew this.   Derick changed the lock codes on all doors so he could not get in.   Of course he went to my parents.   They were on the way back their lake house (they come here weekends) but he got there just in time to talk them into letting him stay there.   My dad continued home, my mom stayed with him.   Exactly what he wanted.   She feeds him, washes his clothes, requires nothing of him.  We tried to got talk to him last night and he locked himself in the bathroom running all of the hot water down the drain (wasnt' bathing, he doesnt' do that).    My mother was shaking and sick and stressed and wanted him to come home with us.   Our only option to getting him out of that room was the police and she wouldnt' agree to that so that is where he is at.   I assume she drove him to school today, but who knows.    He told us last week that his plan for next year (IF he graduates) is to just kick his grandparents out of that house and live there with his friends.    College isn't for him.    The military is ridiculous.     He's too immature to get a job (what he hears from my parents).     Well, he is well on his way.   I worry what he will do to her.   She swears he loves her so much but after living with him all these years I do know it's not really possible.   He loves himself and that's pretty much it.

We have tried so hard to push him in the right direction.     Some people just don't take to direction.    His therapist said a couple days on the street might make him realize where his life is headed but my mother will never allow that to happen.   She wants to go home but she won't let us deal with it.   I had to walk out when she asked why we didn't deal with this sooner.     Another one crossed over.

All we have done is deal with him.     All of his life.   Day after day after day...........

90 days until adulthood.

But it's never really over is it?

Wednesday, October 31, 2018


 Some throwback Halloween for this Halloween Day.

I actually hate Halloween.  

I just don't even understand the concept of every other day of the year we don't take candy from anyone but today, go ahead and go to a stranger's house and ask for some.  

I liked seeing my kids in their costumes but I hate wasting so much money on them when we need to pay a mortgage and buy groceries.    Ditto with the candy.   I like children, really I do, I am a teacher for goodness sake, but candy is expensive and to have enough for our neighbors PLUS the rest of our 20,000+ town that trucks in because we have a gate and they think that equals rich and better candy, we eat leftovers and beans for a couple of weeks.  

I don't have a problem giving to teenagers if they are in a halfway decent costume (I don't want to see a fifteen year old girl's boobs, butt, and abs) but if you drive here in your convertible and get out with your five o'clock shadow in the clothes you wore to school, nope.   If you can buy gas money, you can buy candy.

The same goes for the parents with the still red baby that just exited the womb with no other children holding out a Target plastic bag and telling me trick-or-treat.   No way.   Come back next year.

They are calling for rain, like hail and wind and possible tornadoes this evening and our town FB page is LOSING.  THEIR.  MIND.   Some man just actually posted that he was taking his kids out even if it floods (which it now tends to do a lot now that our sewer system is clogged with Harvey waste) and we BETTER be out there handing out the GOOD CANDY or he was going to vandalize our homes.   I thought he was joking but I read through the comments, he seems pretty serious.  

Alrighty then.

Adam's football team is playing for the district championship tonight.    There were parents who actually wanted to forfeit because they didn't want their TEENAGERS to miss trick-or-treat.   WTH? This is actually a big middle school deal because we missed most of last season due to the hurricane and before that they were a losing team.   They are undefeated and first in the district.   Trick-or-treat  trumps that?  

People are freaking crazy.

Bring on Christmas.