Happy Valentines Day......

 Ah, life.  It gets in the way of so much doesn't it?  

I can't believe I ever had the time to do this everyday.   With three kids under 5 at that.   Yay sad, anxiety-ridden, friendless me!

It's Valentines Day.   We don't really celebrate it now that the kids are way too old for class parties and a pack of Skittles doesn't do it for them anymore.   I can't say that I miss it.   I HATED those damn boxes and the sticky candy found in the bedroom carpet months later.  I've been married, what?  22 years now and have NEVER gotten a Valentines gift because it's "just an excuse for stores to make money".   Does that upset me?  I don't really know anymore.  It just is what it is.  

Let's just put it all out there, shall we?  

It's 2022.   I started this in 2005.   If anyone new wants to read back around, eh, 2009?  I may have complained about my husband a little.  Did I blog in 2013?  If so, I probably complained a lot.    It was somewhere in those years that I realized my husband didn't really like me too much.   The rolled eyes, the disrespect, the heavy sighs at everything I said....it was heartbreaking and sad and I was just stuck as to what to do.   I used to say I would never tolerate a bad situation, but that is exactly what I did.  I had a mentally ill middle schooler, a middle child who was pretty much raising himself, and a baby who thought she should be the center of everyone's world.  Not to mention the low-paying full-time part-time job I took just to grasp for a little respect from the husband who stopped respecting me the minute I gave birth and lost my job.  Oh, I forget, my job was just a hobby.    Yes.  That was when I knew it wouldn't last.  

Anyway, there I was stuck in a loveless marriage with so many kids with so many issues I couldn't even begin to sort.  At one point he told me he wanted to leave and be happy by himself and I actually begged him to stay because I couldn't imagine working full time and probably then some to just barely get by on a shitty teacher salary and still be able to be there for my kids, most specifically, Jacob.  He was not in a good way during those years.  So.   I did what I thought was best for them and lost all respect for myself by not only slamming the door on his ass on the way out, I asked him to stick it out as well.   

Thats when I went numb.  Oh, I loved my kids, loved teaching, adored my friends and our time together, but being home was weird.  It was like the kids and me and the guy that lived with us.  

It still is.  

You see, Jacob may be an adult and for the most part out of the house, but I have two more bringing up the  rear.  Three more semesters for Adam, a lot for Elizabeth.   

It's been years and we have made it comfortable and I have to be honest and say sometimes fun, but that lovelessness is still there no matter what is said and where I thought I could do it until I died so my kids could have an intact family until we died, I am unsure now.  

I am hoping to bring the blog back.  Where it used to be, oh-my-word THESE KIDS!  SO HARD!  SO TIRED!, maybe some young (yep, old now....senior discount at the Good Will!) mom will find herself in a similar spot and google and find this and just know....someone gets you and where you are.  

There is so much more I haven't told ya'll in so very long.  I miss the online support, probably could have used it much way back when.  Is that a thing anymore?   

Bear with me, I am sure it will be a slow start.   I am working three jobs with one day off and teenagers have so much to do......If you feel love today embrace it!  Don't feel sorry for me, I am happy today.  Really.  

I mean, how could I not be?

Seriously though?  Can you believe them?  Where did the time go?