Thursday, July 25, 2013

Pregnant Pause

No, I am not pregnant.  Scared you huh?

Last week a friend told me she was pregnant.

I smiled and congratulated her and forgot everything else she said after that.

A few hours later I still could not shake the feeling from that announcement.   I know it well, I feel it every time I hear someone is pregnant.   Just the pregnancy.  The baby's birth, nothing but happiness, but the pregnancy, not so much.

I got married when I was thirty years old.  As soon as we returned from our trip I became consumed with starting a family.  In my mind I was already old so who had time for all this getting-to-know-you business?  I mean, that's why you cohabitate before marriage, am I right?

After a few (i.e 2) months,  I freaked because, OLD!

My doctor's advice was to keep on trying and if I ever did get pregnant and had a miscarriage, she would treat me after the third one.   Oooo-Kay.

So what can you do when your insurance covers no one else?  You go home and keep trying.

And trying.  And trying.  And crying.

Unless you were extremely lucky the first time every time, you probably know that feeling of not finding that second line on that urine soaked stick.

Ugh.  It was horrible.  I was sure I would never have a child.   Sure I had a nice home, a good husband, a fabulous dog, but I couldn't see how great it was because all I could see was what I didn't have.

At that time, most of my friends had either had their families or were adding to them.  Each time someone became pregnant my stomach would ache and my ears would start ringing.  I'd smile and congratulate my happy pal and cringe when they'd say,  "oh, I am sure you'll be next", but it never, ever seemed like I was next.

We eventually moved to Texas.  I found a new doctor who was much more proactive and, well, here we are.  I am still thankful to God each and every day that we finally made it here.  Shoot, we even got a bonus baby!  How great is that?  

But still.   Every time someone else gets pregnant, I feel that ache.   Fourteen years later.   Why won't it go away?

This last time I thought, well maybe deep down I want that fourth child so I tried that on for a few days.   I couldn't really get on board with it.  There were too many things canceling out that scenario:   I don't want to move.  I don't want a new car.  I don't want to quit my job.  I don't want to be sliced open again.  I realized then, we are truly complete here.   We are not waiting on someone.  I am happy where we are and I want to keep it that way.

So why then did I get that feeling yesterday when I found out my cousin's very very, very young daughter was pregnant?

Will this stop at menopause?  Because if so, bring that on.







2 comments:

Jana said...

I can totally relate to this! We struggled with secondary infertility with Liam and to this day when someone announces a pregnancy, I feel a little twinge of something. I won't say it's jealousy because, like you, we are done having kids, but it's definitely something. Definitely a weird feeling.

Sarah PSMomReviews said...

I have a BABY. A little baby who we waited for so long to have. He's in my arms. And STILL when I hear about someone else's pregnancy (or see a younger baby), I have this twinge of jealousy. I don't get it either. Although I think part of it for me is that I would like one more, but Matt's pretty sure he's done. So I hold onto each moment with my little guy.