Who Knew?

 

That day...fourteen hours later I was mom to a daughter.   I was thrilled.   I wanted a girl with each pregnancy and finally, finally, her she was.    Pink bows, mary-janes, frilly dresses, and Disney dolls.  I was in heaven reliving my own girlhood through hers.  Oh, I love my boys fiercely but they were different than me.  Now I had one of my own and life was good.  

Then.  

I can't really say when it started but I can recall a small shift in middle school.   Then there came COVID with it's online school and isolation.   High School sealed the deal and before I knew it my once happy, delightful, extroverted little girl became the see-ya-ou'side girl from Dr. Phil.  It's been three years now, the last year the worst, and I still can't believe we are here.   I have no idea who she is anymore and I fear the things she is doing in the solitude of the room she rarely leaves.    

There is so much to say and yet I don't know how to say it.  I'd post a picture because that might help some but she's already very colorfully told me not to post her on FB.   I am sure an entire story would really piss her off but it's also my story.   One of my boys lives in his own apartment, the second one will be leaving in August to a school far away.   I am struggling with these milestones and, yet, I can't sit back and really deal with how I am dealing with them because there is always something with her.   

Will you pray for her?  That's really the only thing I know to do anymore.   I have stumbled and fumbled and everytime I think I've almost gotten a grasp, she falls away.   

I am still thrilled to have a daughter.   I just need to learn to live with the one I have.