31

That's a whole month ya'll....

Wow.

Just wow.

I woke up today in all kinds of pain.   I have had what I thought was some kidney pain, maybe a bladder infection coming on with my lower back for a couple days.  This morning almost my entire body hurt.   It is pretty apparent I don't have a kidney infection.   It has to be that bed.    What is strange is I sleep well up there (until the neighbors wake up).    That new pad helps the bed but it is still so very hard and I apparently, in my old age, can't do a hard bed.   My sleep number is 30 and sometimes 25 so it's bad.

I am currently washing all the sheets in "my old bedroom" and may have to try again tonight.   I really, really don't want to sleep with him during this.   I still fear he is bringing it home and I social distance from him here in the house as best as I can.  

See?

Spending time together the covid way.

I have even moved to the old recliner because Derick always sits in the good one every evening.   It's cloth so probably covered in germs.  The chair probably isn't helping things.

Adam needs a hair cut and I can't figure out how to do it.  We used to have clippers but Derick sold them for a dollar in a garage sale.   Of course he did.  They are over $50 on Amazon and can't get them until May.   He is losing his mind.   He likes to look good.  His hair is pretty long.

For him.

Thank God for Marco Polo.   My friend Eve and Julie and I just send each other videos all day.   Our bad days usually don't sync so we can lift the sad one up when needed.   I Facetime my mom every day.   She sits in front of a window and the sun coming through washes her all out and I can barely see her but I can see her.   Still trying to figure out how to get them some groceries.

Elizabeth's birthday is Sunday.   It's going to be interesting.   So far we have no plans.   Imagine that.

Twelve years ago today.   

I feel so sad for all of these kids, all around the world.   So much for them to deal with and try to understand.  

Her principal called me yesterday, concerned about her lack of initiative.   She assured me that we are not alone in this situation, many children are struggling BUT if she fails she'll be doing more online school in the summer as well as forgoing electives to take "Target Language Arts" and Target Math". In other words, remedial classes.   I wanted her retained, they refuse.   I thought losing her theatre and athletics electives might be just the push she needed but she's still in bed, no work has been done.   

I just want to wake up from this bad dream.   

What Day is This?

I think we are on Day 30?   Don't quote me on that.  

Our life seems so strange, I know it is that way for everyone, but everything was "normal" when we left for Colorado and changed quickly while we were gone.   When we returned there was no school, no work, no hanging out.  My kids are depressed, I am depressed, my husband seems happy as a clam, but what do I know?   He's never been one to show much emotion.

Pre-lockdown my days were like this:

Wake up, shower, wake kids, get them off to school, watch the Today show, teach 2-3 year old three days a week, chat with friends, stop at someplace for lunch maybe hit the grocery store, Check the computer for all the "news", connect on Facebook, clean my house, do the laundry, start supper, take kids to activities, pick kids up from activities, watch said activities, eat supper, watch tv, watch more tv, go to bed.   Lather, rinse, repeat most days.

Today:  Wake up around 9ish, lie in Jacob's bed  and decide if it's worth getting up.   Eventually rise because Jacob's window faces our street and our neighbor is still doing cross-fit classes in his garage and they are loud.  Go downstairs and disinfect all doorknobs, counters, switches, basically anything I know Derick has touched or breathed on.  I no longer turn on the Today show because when I was my anxiety levels were way too high.  I do try to catch Hoda and Jenna, they are a little more light-hearted, but usually the television is off.  I log onto the computer to check school assignments but I no longer cruise my Yahoo News or anything remotely similar.   Sometimes I check Facebook but if there are too many scary ads, nope, it goes off.  At the beginning I wasn't eating at all, much less Jersey Mikes Subs and Sonic.  I lost ten pounds in two weeks.   I am right where I have been trying to be for the past year but I can't put on my two piece swimsuit and go to the beach.    Now I am eating more but it's sad.  I don't want the things in my pantry and then I feel guilt because my poor parents have no milk, fresh produce, or snacks.  Sometimes at this point I might sit and cry.    I attempt to nap some days but that never comes.   My anxiety and heart rate is too high for this.  I do the laundry, mostly just towels now because no one is going to school so pajamas are the only things in the baskets.   I attempt to come up with something for a meal, sometimes I am luckier than other times.   My kids never like what I cook so I am just cooking for Derick, really.   After dinner I used to bathe and then wind down from my busy day but climbing into my adjustable bed and watch Antenna TV (Archie Bunker's Place, Alice, It's a Living, Three's Company) and some days catch the shows I love:  Manifest, 9-1-1, The Resident, Chicago Med.   Not anymore.  I haven't been in my bedroom for over a week.   I always took that time for myself, I needed it, my self care I guess.   Derick always complained while he watched his own shows out in the living room but, really, most evenings he had chamber meetings or boy scout meetings.  Now we usually watch Netflix.   Together.   In the living room.  It's actually kind of nice.  Or was until Derick stayed up later than me one night and moved too far ahead on Ozark.  Maybe we will find something again after he finishes it.

Its just interesting that what was once so important isn't so much anymore.  I play games on Sporcle, it's fun, but I actually brought my computer to Colorado and West Virginia so I couldn't miss a day.   The site gives badges for all kinds of things and I couldn't miss because I had to get the 100 day and 150 day etc.   It seems ignorant now to even think of it.   I was up to 170 days until it went back to 0 last week.   I wasn't even phased by it.  I haven't even logged in since.  

Yesterday afternoon.

Well, late in the afternoon.   They slept until 3:30 and I finally decided we needed a family meeting to discuss that situation and, let's just say, I was pretty persuasive.   Also, they would do anything to have their internet back.

It was a nice evening.  I would be okay doing this again.   And again.

Our lives will never go back to normal.   Some of those things I will really miss.   Some of the changes are welcomed.  

Day 25

I think...

Well, maybe I don't have it.   My chest still hurts when I cough but the heating pad helped my back and neck and my temperature went down.   Of course I haven't gotten out of bed yet so we'll see how it goes.

Elizabeth's birthday is in nine days.   She wants to go to Gammy's for Easter for the egg hunt.   She wants to have a party at Miss Julie's with her friends.   Not going to happen.   She woke up at 6 pm yesterday and went back to bed at 9.    It's safe to assume she is depressed.  She has done no school work.   She signed up to be in Advanced Theatre and has looked forward to it since last year.   She was asked to do a video audition this week and she won't.   Eh, she'll just take art she said.   This is hard on me, I can't imagine what it is doing to them.

Like I said, it is 9:23 and I am still in bed.   What's the point?   If I stay up here I won't have to go down there and sterilize everything Derick has touched and breathed all over yesterday.  I bought many bags of chips on Sunday (delivery) and he stuck his foul hands in every single one last night and one time he even rubbed his nose with the back of his hand first.  So much for that.  Might as well write his damn name on all of them.  I will probably throw them away.

I found this in my files.

I miss those Froggy jammies.   I forgot how she always did that with her ear.   I don't know why.   She kept a pacifier until she was almost five.   Yes.  You read that correctly.   By that time she only had it in bed at night or in the car.  I was absolutely okay with it because she was my third child and it made her happy.  

In January of 2012  my mother's best friend passed away from breast cancer.   Elizabeth was four.   They had the viewing/funeral in their hometown which is about an hour and a half from us.  My sister still had her Sequoia then so we decided to all ride together for the 5 pm viewing.   So.   I was conflicted about bringing my children but they loved Mrs. Allemore and I got Derick to agree that he would help me keep them contained to the back of the room.    Of course, I grew up with most of the people there and Derick just loves talking to anyone so at some point we lost track of Elizabeth.   Then I hear her screaming...."Mrs. Allemore gots no legs"    Apparently we lost track of Jacob as well as he had held her up to look into the casket.    Whoops.   So we usher her from the front and attempt to explain and, well, she was four and got over it rather quickly.   We went back to visiting.  

After it was over we stopped to have dinner in that town and waited entirely too long for our food until it was well after 10 by the time we started driving the hour and a half home.  Elizabeth and I were in the way back of the Sequoia and, naturally, she started to doze off in her car seat but she couldn't find her pacifier.   We looked and looked and looked, no pacifier.   So I ask her, "did you bring it into the restaurant?" to which she replied, "no, but I took it to heaven"  um, what?   "you said Mrs. Allemore was in heaven...that house that is heaven"  Ahhh......I guess I didn't explain that as well as I thought.    "I knew Mrs. Allemore was asleep in heaven so I gave her the pacifier".  

To this day I wonder if they buried her with it.

That was how Elizabeth gave up the pacifiers.  

Losing It

Welp, I think I have it now.

Background info:

Two years ago one of my sweet precious students coughed right in my face and I swear I felt the cold virus take hold right at that minute.   I spent 57 days in some sort of walking sick.   Three trips to urgent care, zpacs, cough medicines, inhalers, oh my.   Eventually I pulled a muscle?  I dont' know, I had chest pain due to all of the coughing and it was a while before I recovered from that.  

Last January I started having a strange feeling in my sternum, similar to the cough pain but with no coughing.   My best guess was I had started walking and an exercise video with much twisting so I assumed I did something.   For the past year this sternum pain has come and gone and according to Google I must have something called costochondritis.   Okay, I can deal with that.  Sometimes I take some tylenol if it acts up, other times I can go weeks without really feeling something.   I got to a point where I would have to cough a few times to pop my sternum each morning and I was good to go.   Weird, I know, but arthritis runs in our family and I figured, I am still getting around okay, I can make it.

This morning I woke up and my chest was hurting more than usual.   I coughed as typical and could not pop my sternum but I went back to sleep.   I woke up again and this time my back, neck, and shoulders were hurting in much the same way as my chest.   Still could not pop my chest which was becoming very disconcerting.  Still, according to google I have costochondritis and possibly some gerd backed up in there.  

I decided to take a long bath and soak these muscles but it doesn't seem to have helped.  I took my temperature earlier and I was at 99.1.   I am now at 97.9.   Maybe the bath rose my temperature?   I am going to hope.  I took some tylenol although I have been hoarding the little bit of tylenol I have just in case.   I was finally able to find some exercises online to finally pop my sternum but the chest pain is still there.   I currently have the heating pad on my back. I am still coughing from last week.   Grass pollen is high, it could be that, or dum-dum-dum.....ugh.  

Now.  I have hypothyroidism and sometimes high blood pressure (no medications) and GERD.  Are those serious underlying conditions?  I don't know.  Nevertheless I am concerned about today's developments.   Also, when I start feeling like this I don't understand how we will ever be able to go back to life as we used to know it.   Wouldn't we just start spreading it again once we are let loose?  

I started knitting again.  Maybe that is causing the back pain, I don't have the best posture.   Could be that awful bed.   Boy I really want my Sleep Number bed back.  I wonder if I should find a drive thru testing facility?   Or maybe I should just have a drink?

These are not good times for people with health anxiety.   No sir.  

Over It

Day 22!

Dare I even say I wish I could go to work.   I was so ready for that job to be over but now I want to go there.   At least Coronivirus makes you appreciate things huh?

I coughed and coughed this morning.  My chest hurt.   I had some pleghm in the back of my throat.   I was sure my husband had finally brought it to me.   I almost threw up imagining how it would all progress until I took a snort of Flonase and seem to be better.    I am still scared though.   I feel like it is only a matter of time.

The week's assignments are due in 23 minutes.   My kids are still in bed.   I just don't even care.  I know the teachers are doing all they can and I should pull myself out of this funk and help them out but I just can't.   The kids fight me, they are angry and sad and upet, they want to see their friends and they blame me.   I am the only one here most of the time, they need someone to blame it on.   I try to make things fun for them but they are not receptive.    I miss them.   I miss the sports playing,  school going, happy kids from 23 days ago.

I really don't mind staying here in my house.   It's the waiting that is killing me.   Waiting to see if we get it.   When we get it.   Will it kill us?   Waiting to know when I can hug my mother again.  

I slept in Jacob's room last night.   Lord almighty is that the most uncomfortable mattress ever made.   Maybe that was a lot of the reason he was grumpy all the time.  I slept more then they all these other nights combined, I think because I felt safer up there.   I ordered a thick mattress pad and hopefully that will help some.   I intend to stay there for a while.

Derick went to our local pub/restaurant we love and bought burgers.   I was so happy to see some sort of normalcy I scarfed them down before I ever even thought of the ramifications.   I sure hope the people in that restaurant are well.  

We started watching Tiger King and I was fascinated but Derick found it boring and is now watching something you have to read...while he coughs his head off.  Allergies he says, but it's pouring down rain and he hasnt' been out other than to get the burgers.  

I sure wish I could go to bed and wake up tomorrow and this all be a dream.  

Day....Nineteen?? Fifteen?

Let me tell you....I love staying in.   I look forward to Mondays and Wednesdays, my days off, well, WERE my days off.     I may have cranked the music a few times and did a dance alone here on those days.   MAYBE.   

DAMMIT!  I don't want to dance in the living room any longer!  

I am lonely.   

It's 2:42 in the afternoon and my children are still in bed.   YES.  I know I need to get a handle over this situation but I also don't want to fight.   I do wish they would wake at a timely hour so we could spend some time together.   I miss them.   Did I say that?

They wouldn't spend any time with me anyway.    Adam, the one who has always loved me the most and taken my side in any situation now hates me.   He is downright ugly to me the few moments in a day I do see him.   He is mad that I forced him to go to Colorado, that he couldn't see his friends that week, and that I still won't allow him to leave the house.   He believes I am overreacting to it all and that since he doesn't have it and his friends don't have it, anything I say is a load of bullshit.  Nevermind that it is LAW now to stay in, apparently the other mothers are nicer about it.   

Elizabeth hasn't done a lick of school work this whole time.   She stays away because she doesn't want to hear me remind her of this fact.   We usually turn their internet off for this kind of behavior but they have to have the internet to do the school work now.   

Jacob has been doing really well since his work has moved online.    He is talking about enrolling in summer school.    I just hope they have summer school, I want him to stay focused and interested.

I miss my parents.   

This was the last day I saw them.   We celebrated my mom's birthday.   It was February 16.   It's been a while.   They are running out of food and they live in the boonies so no delivery, no curbside, an hour drive anywhere.   I need to get to a point that we KNOW we are virus free and drive them some BUT my husband continues to go to work every single day.   I guess making chemicals is essential.   He refuses to shower when he comes home, that is ridiculous he tells me.  He does change clothes but he leaves them in the closet for me to breathe whatever comes off of them.   Two days ago I made some beer cheese and I watched him dip his whole hand into the pot and lick it and go back for more.   I didn't really want that anyway I guess.   He gets mad if I disinfect behind him so I go to my room most of the time he is here and close myself off away from  him and then do it all the next morning.   I pray he stays away from the kids.  He makes a good bit of money, I understand why he continues to work, he has too.   If he quit this job there might not be another one to go back to.     Why in the world are grocery workers still there?   They can't make more than I did working preschool and if she asks me to go back on May 7 I will have to say no thank you.   This is serious shit.   Don't get me wrong, I am thankful and grateful and in awe of these people who continue to supply us with our basic needs.  When this is over I am bringing all my grocery ladies $100 bills to show my appreciation, I know they have to be scared to death.   Derick swears he stays in his office all day and I am still scared to death.   These people face germs every person who walks past them, I can't even believe it.   

My sweet friend works at an Assisted Living.   I am scared for her too.   She is doing so much to keep these people safe and happy and occupied but every day another one here has an outbreak.   I pray and pray for her and the family she returns home to every evening.   

Elizabeth used the last of my hand sanitizer to make slime yesterday.   She just doesn't get it.  My hands are dry as a bone for all the hand washing.   My hemorrhoids are acting up from all the sitting.   I drink too much.   

Please, everyone, stay inside, don't spread this anymore than the essentials are already spreading it (through no fault of their own).   

Week 3

The days drag on....I know you are feeling the same.  

When I quit "that job" two years ago I wanted nothing more than to tinker around my house, organize and clean things,  spend some time alone.   When I started working again in November I wanted just one more at-home day in the week.  Be careful what you ask for.  

We are okay.   It's been over two weeks since we returned from Colorado so we probably didn't pick the virus up there.  It's been eleven days since I went out to that doctor appointment.   I feel fine....mostly.    Derick continues to go to work everyday.   And to Walmart.   And yesterday Ace Hardware.    That was super important you know, he needed caterpillar repellent for the garden he was going to build ten years ago but apparently it's imperative he do it now.   I prop pillows between us at night but what good do they do?   He coughs all over them.   Then there were the gloves he used to buy groceries that he left lying on the table we eat at.   Everytime I feel a cough or a tickle in my throat I am convinced he gave it to me and I, in turn, gave it to my children.  I wish to all that was holy that he would stay home but he doesn't.   I can't imagine if he worked in a hospital.

It is 12:03 pm and my kids are still in bed.   Adam and Elizabeth.   Jacob is still in the dorm.   I assume he is probably still in bed as well.   I talk to him every day and he seems fine but I worry.   Anyway, Adam and Elizabeth are sound asleep.   They will probably rise between 3 and 4.   Yep.   Derick is upset with me that I don't wake them earlier but, truly, I just can't handle that fight on top of the anxiety I currently feel.  When we first got home I figured they needed the sleep to fight off any germs and now it's just a bad, bad habit.   I know I should do something about it but I am not there yet.   I am struggling.   I am 51 and I cry every day.    They are 15 and 12.   If sleeping all day and playing video games and watching Disney Plus all night helps them to cope, who am I to keep them from it?    Distance learning isn't really happening here.  For one, I teach preschool and my kids are way past that curriculum.   Also, they want to do everything themselves, my attempts at help are rebuked.  Adam must be attending night school because all of his assignments have been virtually turned in.   Elizabeth hasn't done a thing all this time.  Teachers are emailing me and I do not even have the energy to deal with them, I mean, are they really going to take grades over things they have not taught?   At this point Elizabeth will repeat seventh grade.   She seems fine with that.   Who knows what will happen?   Here we are for another month.   I can still hear the traffic, the same as it ever was, outside my window.   Where are all these people going?   I see my neighbor continue to teach his crossfit classes in his garage, many people there all day long.   I mean, what good is all that if you catch a deadly virus and die?   The one neighbor family who moved in three months after us (12 years ago) who NEVER, EVER go outside are having another big ass playdate with many more than 10 people in the park across the street.   I don't even know their names.    I would love to take a walk around our nature trail but, all that.

I sat out back most of the weekend.   Apparently the tree pollen is high.   I am hoping that is all it is.   My throat is a little scratchy and I cough when I first awaken in the morning.   I somehow pulled a muscle in my back on Saturday and I was convinced by last night it was my left lung giving out.

My husband's friend has been on a ventilator since last Thursday.   His kidneys are now failing.   The band director at my old high school died on Friday.    They are trying to keep my friend's brother out of the hospital because he has had three kidney transplants but his side is hurting like the last time he experienced rejection.   Yet.   My husband still goes to work.  Every week day.   And to Walmart.   And probably Ace Hardware.

Jacob just called me.   He has a headache.   I assume it's the new online learning but how do you know?   I can't go there.   I am afraid to go there.

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I think is this must all be a dream and then I remember.   I remember where we are, what we are doing, and that tonight might be the night it all finds us.

Pretty fucking pissed off at the dumb ass who thought a bat might taste good and the people selling said bats.

Now I have all this time to do the things I wanted and I just can't do them.  

Holy Shit

WTF is going on with our world?   

Let me tell you this crap is no joke for a hypochondriac with anxiety issues.     I am scared  ya'll!

I cannot believe I flew my family to VAIL, COLORADO right into a hotspot for a fucking vacation!

Sweet Lord, I will never forgive myself if they catch this because I thought it would be fun for them to ski.   

I haven't been out in eight days.   I wouldn't have gone out then but I had a doctor appointment I thought was necessary (probably wasn't).  My kids have not left the house in thirteen days.    My husband left the house this morning.   He goes to work every day.   It is KILLING me.   I like to think we didn't catch the virus in the airport two weeks ago and are doing A-OK until I remember, he is probably bringing it to us every single day he walks out that door.   I really don't even know what to do in this situation.  He doesn't seem to care.    I try to stay away from him but then he crawls into bed with me every night and I wake up with his face right in mine and we start the do-I-or-don't-I count all over again.   

I can't imagine people working in hospitals.   Or grocery stores.   

And what is up with people still getting take-out?  I mean, you don't know who is cooking your damn food!

Our town highway runs behind our backyard.   I still hear the same amount of cars I always have.   I hear the radios blaring, people having fun.   I still see the traffic update on the news and there are plenty of cars all over town.  I see the posts on our town Facebook page or the same people lining up inches away from one another to walk into the supermarket and hoard the same shit they did the day before.   I watch my neighbor having a big ass playdate.   Outside in front of my house without a care in the world.  

WTF....WTF is wrong with people?  Why is our country not completely shut down?   Why are car dealerships open?  Why are restaurants still open?   Why can't people eat at home for two weeks?   Why can't my husband who insists he stays in his office all day do the same thing at home without being fired?   

I haven't seen my parents since mid-February.   They are 76 years old.  They have cardiovascular issues.   I am scared.   I don't want to lose them.   They are at the lake far away from others but they will run out of food soon.   And medicines.   They will have to go out.   I am scared.   I try to play that last time I saw them in my head, just in case.  I can't really remember what we did.    I am scared.   

Jacob is still in his dorm.   The call to switch to online school came while we were on that stupid ass vacation so he had to stay.   We went to retrieve him as soon as we got home and he wanted to stay.   Begged to stay.   He is 18.   We let him.   I wish we had forced him to leave.   Now he has been there almost two weeks.   I have no idea what he's been doing, where he's been going, who he's been seeing.   If I bring him back now there is no telling what he will pass along to us.   I am scared.    We have had our issues but he is my child.   I love him.  I want him safe.   I am scared. 

I hope you all are doing well amid this uncertainty.    

Don't be scared now.

2020

I wanted to post every month in 2020 and now it is MARCH!   

I missed this birthday and in two days Jacob will have a birthday.    I need to catch up.  

I can't believe this tiny baby is 15!

When I started this blog he was nine months old.

The days are long but the years are short.

I want to write something long and meaningful but, my goodness, life.

Elizabeth does golf and track and Adam is doing spring football and track.   I tutor once a week and work three days a week.  Sometimes in there these people want to eat and live in a clean house.

And sometimes:

Needless to say my anxiety/stress has been through the roof.

I love my current job, love my co-workers, LOVE my boss,  but I don't think I can keep doing it next year.   Last year when I did not work was the best I have felt in many years.    I can't take the medicines they prescribe because the side effects are worse.   Currently I have at least one panic attack a day and my hypochondria has convinced me that I'll be dead by the end of the year.   I have had a dermatology exam, a mammogram,  and have a colonoscopy scheduled at the end of the month.        And then there's the coronavirus already in TEXAS!  I write this because when I do I see how crazy it sounds but anxiety is a liar.

We are going to Colorado for spring break.   I am hoping I can enjoy it.

Adam is fine, BTW.   Glue and steri-strips for a week and he's back at it.   He passed out due to lock knees during football boot camp and since he was the captain he was at the front of the line hence fell forward onto the gym floor rather than another kid catch his fall.   It could have been worse.   He'll never do that again.

Maybe I can get that birthday post completed while I watch it snow.

Bring on the New

Year....

2020, doesn't that sound all Jetsons like?  

It was a good year, sort of.   When you have a kid with issues "special needs" it is never fantastic but who's year really is?   I am going to go with no one and leave it at that.

Jacob graduated so that was good.   I reallly didn't think he would do it and he really didn't but thank you calculus teacher for seeing him two points to push him to that point.  It probably wasn't ethical but you saw me and you got me and you felt for me (and him) and there will be a special place in heaven for you one day.

We went to West Virginia for a few days and saw a game and introduced Adam to the President....

of West Virginia University.  

Before I ever left that town I dreamed of sharing it with my children.   They would be as awestruck as I was the first time I saw the Mountaineers take the field, they would tear up at the band's playing of Simple Gifts, they would beg to have their picture taken in front of Woodburn Hall....

Oh well, it wasn't what I imagined but I enjoyed it.   

My happy place....I'll be back for good one day.   

We saw the Steelers play......

And the Texans.....

And the Astros.....

Yes.   We like sports.     

We made new friends....

and are finally at that point where you can leave your children home alone without locating a babysitter.   It is AWESOME!   (this wasn't one of those times.....she insisted on coming and I am a sucker and allowed it).   

As much as I swore I would never teach preschool again, well, I am teaching preschool again.    I am pretty much doing it as a favor and probably won't be doing it next year but never say never.   This is my first time working with two year olds.  I also swore I would never do that but I kind of like it.    I do miss my free time though and by free time I mean all that time I used keeping my house clean and cooking meals and doing kid stuff.   I still haven't finished any of my Netflix queue that was what I wanted to do with my "time off" last year.     

My sister moved to Florida and that sucked (hence the new friends LOL) but she hates her job so much she is actively looking for something else back here so it may not last very long.   

I am very blessed that my parents are still healthy and self-sufficient.   I am blessed that my children are healthy and thriving regardless of their smart mouths and frequent bad attitudes.   I am blessed that we have food on the table, a car that runs (19 years old!),  a house that is paid off,  friends and family who support us.   We are blessed to be able to send our son to college and pay for it sans scholarships because Lord knows that isn't happening.   Nevermind that he withdrew from two classes without telling us and finished the semester with a 0.5 GPA but, you know, whatever.   Hopefully he understands if he doesn't get it together in the spring it's Hello Army, Navy, whichever you want for him.   

2020.....I thought for sure I'd be living in a space high rise with a flying car by now.   

Happy New Year to all!

Finally

 I posted these pictures on Facebook and my best beach friend replied:   "Best Day Ever!" because she knows and she gets it and she loves me and was happy for me.  

I saw other mothers on Facebook doing the same and it felt strange to see their tears and read their beautiful posts about how they would miss them and how these years passed in a flash and they were the BEST EVER.    I remembered a little bit about Thomas the Tank Engine and weekly trips to the library and wanted to get misty about it, but it just didn't come.

I have to be honest and say, yep, BEST DAY EVER!

He has been living in that room for three months now and the stress for the rest of us has greatly lessened.   It's like we have come up for air and can breathe again.  

If he leaves the dorm for an extended time he stays with my parents, he prefers that.   He hasn't slept here since the end of August.   He is ten minutes away and I have been over twice, both times to take him to an urgent care because he was convinced he was dying of something......he is 18 and stopped taking his medicine and, therefore, his anxiety is high.   I finally convinced him to try a new prescription and he says it is helping.   I wouldn't know because I rarely see him but he asked for a refill so I guess that is a good sign.

He calls every Monday threatening to drop out because he is failing most of his classes.   I remind him he will have to leave the dorm and he changes his mind.   Academic probation is in his future.    He swears he will do better next semester and he should as he has signed up for twelve hours of the most easy and unnecessary classes that are offered but we are okay with that if he can just stay the rest of the year in that now filthy disgusting room.

He loves it and we love it.  

He's made friends and has a girlfriend.    His high school friends were coming around for a while but they seem to have faded away.   He is sad about it and I am too, for him, just remembering my own breaking away from that life, but it will be better for him.   I hope.

We spent Thanksgiving day with him.  It was almost nice.   He still hates Elizabeth.   She still hates him.  

He came over to help decorate the tree and he actually hugged me.   He said, "I like you better when I don't live here.".  

Ditto, kiddo.  

Can't We Just Be Nice?

Our neighborhood has a "security" gate.    Now.   We do not in any way live in a prestigious area, but for whatever reason the developers felt we needed this gate and our neighbors are all in hot love with it.  

I hate it.

This morning returning from my morning football drop-off, there were three vehicles stopped because they can't get in (interlopers! trespassers!)  The stupid gate is not that far off the highway so three cars do not have a lot of room.   Anyway, I try to get out of the road before I am hit by a texter not paying attention when a shiny black Audi tears it quickly into reverse and,  if I hadn't had the foresight to remember my horn,  she would have totalled my car.    I needed to catch my breath for a second and then proceeded to open the gate where this ugly woman tore past me, rolled down the window, then yelled at me how rude I was to honk at her she just needed to find her son who has been lying to her all morning so I just need to get over it.

WTF?

I swear to God I see why my grandmother constantly told me how much she hated people and how she could not wait to die.

I honked at this "lady" to keep her from hitting my car.   I was seriously scared for my life for a bit because she was not going slowly at all.    I thought she was going to apologize but she made it my fault?

Our whole world is this way anymore.   Everyone, EVERYONE is so freaking self-absorbed and incapable of caring about others in any way.

Case in point:

I can laugh about this now, and I frequently do, but I mean, no regard at all that there might be someone else who would like not to look at her butt all afternoon.  

I would like to be an asshole as well but my mother taught me better.   I would have looked for the spot completely out of line of sight and if it couldn't have been helped I would have asked for permission to set up and apologized profusely.    I wish I had told that woman today that I could not have cared less about her bad parenting but all I could mutter was, "You almost hit me" and then she gave me the F-You I should have given her.   

Why is everyone so rude?   Where were there mothers?

Our gate is topic of conversation daily on our community website.   People are awful about it.   Like I said, they have hot love for it and cannot stand the mere THOUGHT of a non-resident getting through.   It's insane.   

These are the "sticks" the board put out to keep others from turning in from the forced turn-around exit.   Apparently people go through the exit when they can't get in and this pisses my neighbors off.   They are pretty huh?   

Now, not only am I pretty polite person, I also believe in following rules so I see where you shouldn't drive through the exit but really?   Is this the worst thing?   Whatever.   Now people who have been her previously don't even go through the entrance, they just go straight through the exit and wait for someone leaving.   Some of my neighbors have actually forgotten they were on their way somewhere and blocked the way and had words and generally put themselves in harm's way because apparently it is VERY important to keep people out.   They post pictures of it all on the website.     One lady got our Amazon delivery woman fired for doing it.    They are passionate.  

I don't want the gate anymore.   It's made my neighborhood an ugly place, more so recently (new neighbors) but this has been going on for years.    What's the point of it?    I got an ugly hair after I was ALMOST KILLED and attempted to block BITCH from coming in and, you know what?  She came in anyway.   If someone wants in, they get in.    There aren't many people living here but there haven't been many times I have approached and there hasn't been somewhere there.   All you have to do is wait and not that long either.    

So I really wanted to post the opposing view on the website but I just don't like confrontation and, truly, I fear retaliation.   People know where I live.   I wanted them all to see what the perils of the gate are.   If she had actually hit me, I probably would have.   Because a few people like to feel exclusive and important, we will have to continue this constant pile up and confusion and frustration and dangerous maneuvers just to get over the border, because they are going to keep coming and a little old gate isn't going to keep them away.

Kind of like our country.   

Why can't we all just be nice like our mothers taught us to be?   

Two weeks later edited to add:   Today on the website someone actually proposed building a WALL around our neighborhood.   REALLY!   We actually sort of have one on one side dividing us from the highway but they want MORE!   You can not make this shit up.    

Why Can't It Always Be Good

Why don't I live at the beach?   Why isn't this my daily view?

It's always so sad to leave our vacation.   Even if it did pour the first three days, it was fabulous.   Adam and Elizabeth slept until noon each day and Jacob wasn't even there.    Life was good.

But......he's back.

I am trying so hard to stay away from him but it's hard when he follows me within six inches and screeches inappropriate words and hasn't changed clothes in a week...the smell, my lord the smell.

But my mother needs a break and there were things he needed to accomplish here:   thank you notes, college assessments, chores.   I would love to say he got right on that but, no.  We need to pay some fees to the glorified community college but he refuses to sign the agreement that allows us to access his account.   You know, because he's an adult and he doesn't want us in his business.   WHO came up with this shit?   I mean, how many just graduated seniors do you know that just have that money lying around to get it done?   Of course, I realize most of these adults are actually adults and know that if they want to succeed they need to pass the baton to THE PERSON WITH THE MONEY, but I live with a man-toddler who just wants to be an ass about it.   Yes, yes, I should let him fail BUT THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS.    If I don't pay, he doesn't go and HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.    If he doesn't go, HE STAYS HERE and that is exactly what he wants.   His "Gap Year", his lazy time, his sit-on-his-ass-and-do-nothing-because-he-deserves-it.    Yes, I could stop myself right here and let it go but then I get to spend the next year doing the same shit I have been trying to get away from for the past 18.    I really, really hate the person who came up with the stupid agreement.

I want to go back to the beach.   Live there.    My sister is moving there.   Maybe I will go with her.   Do you think she could support my gap year?

Next Chapter

So....

Last Friday was a shit show.   To cut it short:   I asked for his college email password so I could complete the housing requirements and he held me at a six hour stand off about it.    He was unmedicated, of course, but it was crazy.  

FYI if you do not yet have college age kids:   Once they turn 18 NO college will deal with you without permission from the 18 year old CHILD.   If you have a spring birthday, get it all done while YOU can still do it yourself.  

Anyway, at about the five hour mark I got in the car (after I located my spare car keys because he thought it would be cute to hide mine) and drove to the Justice of the Peace office (like stupid cop man told me) and procured the previous eviction papers.   I brought them home, told him he could relinquish the password within five minutes or I was filing those papers.   Amazing how quickly he could find it then.   I still haven't heard back from the housing people but, whatever.   My vacation is coming up and I am not thinking about ANY of it until I return.  

See that?

I did that.  

The screaming and griping and you-don't-know-what-you-are-talking-about-just-let-me-sign-up-for-the-easy-stuff, here we are four years later.   He finished high school with THREE endorsements.   I don't really know what that means but it looks better than not having it, am I right?   I do know here in Texas he needs one endorsement to graduate.   Look at me overlapping those classes!  

And that was after he insisted on three years of a PE credit (only needed one).  

It was confusing, all of it was, but I think now I have it all figured out.   Now that he's done.   I'll be ready for Adam and Elizabeth.  

He did graduate.   He didn't actually pass precalculus but his teacher went to WVU and spotted him two points.   I still don't know how I feel about that.   He didn't earn it so shouldn't take it but at the same time?   It's time to move on.  

Suprisingly enough, I bawled my head off through most of it.   YES.   I still need him to move out.   I still need some peace away from him.   I still need a new normal.    BUT.   I cried and cried for what could have been.   No parent should feel such fear and stress from her child and if I am feeling it, he likely is as well and I feel shame and guilt and frustration that I could not raise him any better than I did.   I tried, every day I tried, but I didn't do a good job.   I failed him.   I failed us.   I cry in the hope that he can rise up and overcome and love the rest of his life most likely far away from us.  

And if I cried so hard at JACOB's graduation?   I will need to stay home and watch Adam's online.   I cried yesterday dropping him off at the high school for his first football practice.    NOT.   READY.  

That's the forced keep-from-crying smile.   My sister also told me an hour prior to this that they were moving back to Florida at the end of the summer.   Suffice it to say I cried a lot on Sunday.   And Monday.   Today is Tuesday and so far, so good.   Jacob went to his grandparents for the next two weeks and is apparently attempting to take his drivers test and I am packing and preparing for the best. week. ever.  while also getting ready for my summer preschool job.    We are moving into a new chapter, all of us.

So.....

here we are.....

Sick

I hate Facebook this time of the year.  

I am 50 years old.   I give no more fucks.

The 34 pictures from every angle and every step to the stage as your child receives the Best Student Ever?   I don't want to see that.   The thousands of cords breaking your kid's back in his graduation gown?   I don't want to see that.   The fistsfull of awards?   Nope not that either.    I just do not give one fucking shit about that.   Yes, I know it's your Facebook page and you can post whatever you want on it and I encourage you to do so, just know I scroll right past or in certain cases I have blocked you altogether.

You would think after YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS of my children barely scraping by I would be used to this but you know what?....it just gets worse.    Every year I think THIS will be his, his, and her year.    Please sweet Jesus remind me in August that it will NEVER be their year.    My kids have no passion for anything.  They are not smart.   They do not care about others and they have no character to speak of.   I know this because they have no awards for it.     I guess in a way it's a good thing because I can go to the bar and have drinks with my friends on awards night.   Well, I could only in theory because my friends are all at school watching their own kids get awards.  

One of my children is failing the 12th grade at the finish line because he has a point to prove and another one is failing math and has to go to summer school because instead of turning in her homework papers we spend hours a night doing SHE THROWS THEM AWAY.    My other child doesn't want to do sports anymore because he has to be at the school all summer at 7 am and ain't nobody got time for that.

Where do you get those children who have drive and ambition?   I want to exchange mine.

I hope all your Facebook pictures make you feel like a fantastic parent because they should.    All they do for me is make me contemplate foster homes for mine because, obviously, this is something I did.

I am 50 years old.   I give no more fucks.

 I refuse to throw out all that touchy feely shit about my lazy children, how I am proud of them no matter what because, you know what?   I am not.   If that makes me a bad parent then I am a bad parent.   All three of these children could do so much more than what they are doing they just refuse to do it.    Where will this lead them?   The best I can hope for is skate by and be average and I would be OKAY with that but they could excel.   Why won't they?  

What they tell me is, "Why bother?"   The same kids win the same shit every year.   If you don't start out winning in first grade you never win.    I watch my preschool parents retain their perfectally capable and smart children because they want them to be  farther ahead of the others so they can win the awards (no joke).  

Don't be expecting any pictures of my children this month.      While your children have been busy getting every single award every year, my kids' motivation and esteem fell until they no longer want to attempt because it hurts less when you lose and you don't try.   Trust me.  Next  year I won't even try.  

Ramped Up

Have you ever just wanted your life to end?  

I don't know what I did to deserve this, I have always thought of myself as a pretty decent and good person, but apparently I pissed off the universe sometime, somewhere.  

I give.   I'm done.  

My husband had a Boy Scout event on Saturday so he was gone all day.   In case you aren't aware, we had two Boy Scouts for a while, they quit.   My husband keeps going.   Of course he does.   If he is there, he doesn't have to be here.   This happens almost every weekend.    I BEG him not to leave me with him and he just chuckles.   He is not as awful to him as he is to me and I am Jacob's target.   He attempts to pit him against me through lies and when I tell him Jacob did XXX and then Jacob gives him Yes, Sir, No Sir, he gives me the side-eye.   Years.   Years of this.  

Anyway.....

Jacob started screaming at 9:54 because "It is 6 fucking AM I shouldn't have to empty a dishwasher before daylight!"  and kept going.    Anytime I attempt to get help from my husband his response is to call the cops.   Everytime.   This time I didn't even call him.   I called the police.   The short version of this story is the cops were complete assholes and actually had him record them telling him that until he graduates we are legally obligated to him and CANNOT kick him out.

Seriously.   They seriously did that.  

The cop in October told us we could evict him at 18.  I guess that is not a thing.  

Also, you need to go through the local government to have him evicted and he has thirty days after the forty-five days it takes to complete the eviction process.    He has squatter's rights.  

Today, he missed the bus.  

A solid hour of stomping, cussing, slamming doors, throwing things, beating on the other kid's doors, spitting, splashing toilet water, peeing on the floor.   The three of us locked in our rooms.   My husband, of course, is at work.   He would never behave that way if he were here.

When I finally "get up" since I need to get these other kids dressed and out the door, he bellows at me that I need to "get my ass up and take him to school".     Oh yes!   Let me get on that!   I said no.   Act Two commenced.  

So here we are.     He can walk to school.   He walks home every day.   He just won't because my lazy ass should be driving him.   He called my husband, of course, told him a bunch of lies so that guarantees our evening should be just as pleasant as our morning.     I guess he'll stay here all day long cussing and screaming and destroying whatever he can whenever he wants because I was told specifically the police could not help me.   I told them he might kill us one day and that bald ass fuck just shrugged.  

I am done.   I am just fucking done.   I do not know where to go from here.    I just know I cannot continue.  This "child" is never going anywhere.   He won't graduate now because he knows he can live here forever if he doesn't.   He doesn't have to work, doesn't have to contribute, doesn't have to pay bills, he just stays here every fucking single day of his life and abuses us and is allowed to do so. If he were my husband those cops would be encouraging me to leave, it's my child so now I can't?    AND I need to work and support him?  

I understand the desperation suicidal people feel.   You feel trapped with no one to turn to and no where to go and the complete and utter unhappiness just buries you.    I try.   I try to fix this.    Everyday I try to fix this.   Everyday of the past 18 miserable years but it never gets better.   At least before I always had an out.   I knew the day would come that we did not need to keep him here, something to look forward to (and I realize that looking forward to the day you kick your child out is pretty perverse), and now.....it's not there.   Our sentence has been extended.      

It will never end.   I have been given life without parole.    And I don't even know what I did.  

Take Two

Still no college......still not passing.

Just in case you were wondering.   LOL.

These kids are going to kill me.

Last week it was Adam.

I got a call on Friday that was cutting it out:   "Son...office....truancy."   I was on my morning walk.   I ran home.

So apparently Adam has been leaving his coveted office aide class early since January and on Friday they finally got tired of it.  

Maybe I should have dealt with it, huh?   I would have been all over that if KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I mean, seriously.   We go from he's-such-a-good-kid-we-felt-a-warning-was-sufficient to in school suspension in twenty minutes.    Grrrr......

This is the same school that wouldn't allow him to attend a field trip because he had a library fine and when I brought to their attention that we could not find notification of a fine ANYWHERE I was told the government shutdown kept them from doing that.    O-K.  

Adam deserves punishment for disobeying their directions.   I am not disputing that at all.   In fact, I really didn't dispute anything because my first instinct when I returned that call was to cry and tell some woman I have never met, "NOT THIS ONE TOO".     All I could think was what have we done?   Why do we have TWO of them?   Why can't my children behave?   Can life expectancy be 50 again?   I might have even said these things out loud.    Could be why she suggested some outside psychiatric help for me........LOL.....I have some!   Thanks!

So anyway, my children both come home and they are loud and using their hands to tell me what happened that morning and, you know what?    I got a completely different story from them.   I know, I know, you're thinking they didn't do it yada, yada, yada.   That wasn't what I got.   From them I got some story about Adam having Elizabeth's ID tag and the librarian (the one who couldn't send library notices due to the shutdown) noticed and sent Adam to the office and then got Elizabeth out of class to get her ID and instigated some showdown between the two accusing Adam of stealing her ID.   Adam's story is he picked hers up on the way out the door which I do believe because I have asked him to take hers to her before and he's refused because he doesn't want to be caught dead with it.   The librarian's story was he was trying to pull a prank by buying a dance ticket with her ID (she already had a dance ticket).

????????

Elizabeth says he pulled out his phone and the principal put her hands on the counter and said, "That's it, you have ISS"    Adam says he pulled out the phone to call me for his ID because the librarian kept asking where was his ID.   Elizabeth was coddled and patted on the head and sent back to class and Adam was sent immediately to the ISS room and that was when I got the half-phone call.

Hmmmmm........WTH?

I relayed the story I got and they were both confused.

Why wasn't this woman forthcoming if she felt he was being disrespectful and just say, "Adam was being disrespectful therefore he has an in school suspension"    I mean, TWO DAYS SUSPENSION for taking your phone out?   OR TWO DAYS SUSPENSION for leaving class early?

Either way,  I think the punishment is excessive since this is the first I have EVER heard about him being a problem in any way.   Now he misses the eighth grade trip, an athletic field trip, and he sure won't be getting that character award at the end of the year.

BUT.   I said nothing.   I thought at the time he was clearly skipping class and deserved the punishment, now I am not so sure.   I feel like I was played.   I called yesterday to get the full story and (surprise) haven't heard back.

He served his suspension and all it's done to him is make him hate school, distrust adminstrators, and lie in bed depressed as soon as he returns home.  

Last week, different kid.  

Here we go again.  

I want off the roller coaster.

College?

I know everyone has seen all about Aunt Becky and Lynette Scavo's cheating their children's way into college.   I can't remember how to link to anything, so you can google it if you've been on a long vacation on a desert island.

Anyway....

It's terrible.   It's unfair.   It's really, really obnoxious, but you know what?   If I had $500,000 to toss around, I can't say at this point in my life I might not do the same thing.

Barring a miracle, Jacob won't be going to college.   He did finally bring up his SAT score to something pretty respectable.    We paid plenty of application fees.    We paid even more fees to have his scores sent to said schools because "I just didn't feel like plugging those in on the stupid SAT".    We paid even more fees to have his transcripts sent to five schools that have dorms and he was accepted to three that we know of.   We should all be rejoicing right now because he should be going to a good school without having to pay a dime and we and our little children could breath a smile of relief knowing this daily turmoil would soon be coming to an end.  

Oh, but no, that's not happening.   Jacob decided he wanted to go a community college down the street and told those other schools he wasn't interested.  

Community college = lives at home

He doesn't have a drivers license and is no longer interested in getting one.    Guess who would have to drive him to school like a freaking preschooler.

That's if he can still even get into that one.   He hasn't completed one assignment at all this last nine weeks period.   He is failing everying except his three theatre classes but he's coming close with those.    He is convinced he doesnt' have to supply them a final transcript.   We are idiots you know.

I have no idea what is going to happen.    I don't think he is going to graduate.   We told him he had until April 15 to bring his grades up and affirm to one of the sleep away schools that he would be a student there or we were kicking him out on June 15. .   He pretty much gave us the finger and told us to try.  

I seriously have to wonder if all these rich people had kids they could no longer live with.    I fully expect Adam and Elizabeth to gain entry to the college of their choice (or a backup) on their own mertis.   They have to learn to do for themselves and if they want it, they will work for it.   Jacob, I wish to all that is holy that there was something we could do to pull up at some school (preferably far away) and drop him off and leave him there.    He can't go to the military because of his medications. All I see in his (and our) future is a 40 year old loser mooching off our dime and doing absolutely nothing while continuing to treat us shabbily.    My anxiety is so amped up right now just anticipating this shit show I seriously ponder my desire to live, at least here, with him.  

I don't know, if I had $500,000 I don't think I'd rule it out.   If you had any idea what it's really like in our house, you might not even judge me.

14

This baby.....

I miss him.  

I would give my dying breath to kiss that little cheek and rock him to sleep just one more time.   

Fourteen years ago when I found I was pregnant with my second child I prayed daily (sometimes hourly) for this one just to love me.    Jacob was (still is) a difficult little soul and it was apparent from day one that he despised me.   I don't really know what happened there, maybe it was the three weeks in the NICU or maybe it was my mom who swooped in his first night home and glued herself to him and I just let her because I was so very tired and so very unequipped to deal with the incessant screaming like I probably should have been.   Maybe I was (am)a bad mother?   I have been in therapy for years to answer that question to which I will likely never have the answer.   I have just had to make peace with it and move on.   

Anyway, this isn't about Jacob, this is about Adam.   

OK....I just wanted a baby to love me and, BOY, did this baby love me.   He would have nothing to do with anyone else.   He would push his little hand out if another adult tried to take him.    He clung to my leg while I cooked meals and crawled into my lap any time I sat down.    He didn't say much those first four years but he didn't need to:   Adam LOVED me.    

 Prayers answered.

I shouldn't put such a burden on a child but Adam was my redemption.    He proved to everyone, if really only myself, that I could be a good mother.   He saved me.   It really wasn't until he was born that I began to feel like a mom, giving love and receiving love in return.    I LOVE Adam.

With the teenage years upon us things aren't as sweet as they used to be but there is no mistaking his love continues.   He is always grateful if I do something for him (like bring his track uniform to school AGAIN) and he has learned the very difficult skill of saying and showing he is sorry when needed.    Although he will no longer hug his sister at school, he does oblige her one when they get home every day (usually).   He always tells me he loves me when he leaves the house (or vice versa). He teaches the neighborhood kids football plays and includes the often shunned Muslim kid down the street.   He sees no color, no religion, no social class.  

In school he plays football, runs cross country and track, and was appointed an office aide for one class period which requires positive teacher recommendations.   He makes As and Bs completely without my help and input.   He has figured out his complete four year path that will allow him to attend his dream school:   Texas A&M.   He has many friends, I can barely keep track of them all.   Giggly girls show up at our door asking for him, Elizabeth says they follow him down the hallway at school.   So far Fortnite and Madden 19 have most of his attention, but he does sit with one particular girl on the bus every day, according to my accidental spy.   

Adam turned 14 on January 23.   It's taken this long to write this because there is always something.   I am so blessed to be able to raise this child.   I pray now daily that all of his dreams come true, that he has friends, becomes successful, is HAPPY.     

Thank you God for answering my prayers and giving me THIS loving little baby.    

Happy Birthday Adam!