Thursday, June 24, 2010

June Has Never Been my Favorite Month

I realized I hadn't posted all of June, so figured I better get in gear.

It's been a hard June.

I always love having Jacob home for the summer, but this summer just isn't enjoyable. There is some sort of issue every single day. He spends a great portion of his time either tattling on his siblings or screaming at them for some infraction against him, either legitimate or made up in the recesses of his constantly cycling brain.

I had plans of homeschooling twice a week and spending lazy mornings at the pool but it all came to a screeching halt when very early on Jacob got mad at Adam for something I still am not sure about and called him a f*cking b*stard. Outside. At the park. In front of, oh, fifteen or our neighbors. That's the day our attic began bursting at the seams with every. single. toy he owned. The husband thought it would be a wonderful punishment and would have him behaving in a matter of days because Dr. Phil said so and, well, what Dr. Phil says must be gospel, right?

LOLOLOLOLOL.

Guess who's really being punished?

That was June 1.

I remember that day because it was the day before I had to go in for an endometrial biopsy and was thankful for the large prescription of vicodin my oh-so-kind doctor provided me.

Did I tell you my Masters Degree has a specialization in Behavior Disorders?

What kind of karma is that?

I've reread all my old texts, copied chart upon chart, implemented a highly detailed behavior system for all minors in the house, and cracked the whip with zero tolerance.

Karma. It is a bitch.

Today is June 24. Jacob still has no toys. He has no television privileges. The Wii would be nothing but a memory if he weren't constantly reminding me how horrible his life is and how he will NOT behave until he gets it back. I am almost impressed with his resolve, but at the same time, what the hell dude? He honestly thinks we are supposed to return his things and THEN he will behave.

Needless to say, things are ugly this June.

I made an appointment with the only psychiatrist with an opening before fall at the urging of his therapist. She thinks he suffers from Anxiety along with the severe ADD and, well, maybe he doesn't really have ADD at all but Aspergers and, boy, does he need his medications monitored.

Today is Day Two of new medication Concerta.

My sister was here.

WAS.

He took the two-dollar-a-pill Concerta, but he may as well have taken nothing at all. Oh my, the screaming. The hitting. The disrespect.

I gave it to him again today.

My sister went home. I can only imagine the conversation in the car as they drove away.

We're supposed to go on vacation next week.

Supposed to.

I just don't see how much fun being trapped in a hotel room for three nights will be with him.

My mom has offered to babysit him right along with the dog and the cat, but as much as he is pissing me off right now, it's still our family vacation and I just don't yet feel like I can do that. I want us to go and bond together, but I'm afraid. Even the free pedicure and massage is not enough to make me feel like a trip will be a good idea.

*sigh*

I love my son. Really, I do. But you know what? Sometimes I just want him to be normal. I want kids to come over a second time. I want kids not to laugh at him. I want adults not to tsk-tsk me. I want to be able to drive down the road and not be yelled at the whole way. I want to be able to chat with a friend and not have to get up every two minutes to pull him off of her kid. I want to have a good night's sleep for once instead of waking up in a sweat wondering what will happen next. I know things could be much worse, but I didn't sign up for this. In my wildest dreams I never thought this was what having a child would be like. Oh, I knew there would be trials now and then, but every day? I'm tired. And sad. And sometimes wishing there was a rewind button.

This saga is just beginning I am afraid.

Say a prayer.

14 comments:

Crazed Mom said...

Oh my goodness girl! HUGS and more HUGS though Xanax would most likely be more helpful. My kids were fairly typical kids but 7 and 8 are hard. They did a week of sports camp and a week of VBS just so I did not lock them in a closet or separate closets.

You have my empathy. Deep breathing helps a tiny bit.

His behavior is not a result of you not being a terrific mom. You are a fabulous mom! I know it's embarrassing and you feel like everyone is judging you... try not to do that. Take tv away from spouse esp. Dr. Phil!!! Or ask him if he'd like his computer taken away when he misbehaves. Taking away the toy they love the best works pretty well and you don't suffer quite so much.

I don't have all the answers just know I've been close to how you are feeling now. I'll add ya to my prayers.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Andria, I wish I didn't understand, but I do. And my heart aches for you as it does for me. I just want a vacation from him sometimes. I want someone else to be held responsible for the actions that I seem to be held accountable for.

You are always welcome to call me. I'll email you my # if you'd like (or I can call you.)

Jana said...

What a rough month you've had! That Dr. Phil is a real douche sometimes. I wonder if he ever implemented his advice with his own children...

I hope things start looking up for you guys and you're able to enjoy your vacation at least a little bit. Any chance you'd be able to take a few days just for yourself and let the hubs deal with the situation? I think it'd do you a world of good and you most definitely deserve it!

Jo Ellen said...

Oh Andria, I am with you. I am so sorry you are going through this... I have all the same hopes and dreams for my boy- some of them realized, some will never be.

I have no real words of wisdom except that I get you. I know. I wish neither of us did.

Always here for you. and Jacob.

Many prayers...
JE

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so sorry. It's got to be just awful. xoxo

Miss Hope said...

I thought I was the only one. Summer hasn't been a lovely childhood memory here, either. Hence my own lack of blogging. I only have a small window of "normal" during the day before meds wear off and the rebound is jaw dropping. My arms are covered in bruises right now from trying to keep my boy from throwing everything in sight and destroying my house a few evenings ago. The soonest we can get to his new psychiatrist is August. Lord help me. Lord help me and you both.

I'm available for vent/crying/ranting sessions any time.

Aimee said...

We really enjoyed you all at my Jacob's party. I could tell something was wrong with you at the party, but had no idea. If it makes you feel any better I enjoy your company and I enjoy your kids, your Jacob included. If you ever want to get together... I'm here. I love ya'll! Hugs!

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Fran said...

UGH!! I have been throwing myself a huge pity party because we have all had these rotating sicknesses that keep us from doing stuff. I am going to stop right now and use any excess energy I have to send you good vibes and happy thoughts. And I am totally with Jana...Dr. Phil is a real douche!

BethGo said...

Thinking of you and Jacob. I hope you get some answers soon.

Erin said...

I am so sorry. I can only imagine how frustrating this all is. I'm sending you hugs and good wishes.

I agree that taking all the toys away seems to be a bit much. Do you think you can return some of his toys without him seeing that as a reward for his behavior? Or can you implement some kind of "new" reward/behavior scheme so that you can start over again?

Good luck to you.

ChupieandJ'smama said...

Hugs Andria!! I thought my house was bad. I have 2 boys fighting and swearing over here. We are Wii free here today. Maybe there's something in the air?
I'm sorry that June has gone this way for you. I hope and pray that July goes better. I hope that Jacob's assessment gives you some answers and that they are the right ones.
I know your a great mom and that you know what is best for him. You'll get it figured it. I just hope it's sooner for you and him vs. later.

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