Sunday, June 14, 2009

Intermission

It's taking me a while to finish the rest of my story. Here's a little funny while you wait....

A couple days ago I realized I hadn't been to Target in FOREVER and started to get the shakes headed to Target to get some things that we couldn't live without. You know, toilet paper, laundry detergent, the last season of Seinfeld on DVD, the important things. So I'm driving down the road and then the traffic just stops in front of me. WTH? I think about turning around, but NO, we cannot live another minute without swim goggles and teeny hair bows. So I putt along for a bit wondering if there had been an accident when I get a quick glimpse of a big orange sign. Roadwork. Of course. As I get closer I see the sign says right lane ends. And end it did. Right smack there where the sign was. Thanks for the advanced warning TxDoT. I guess I should just be glad there was that sign. I was thinking I was lucky I was in the left lane and, man, those poor suckers in the right lane. What are they going to do? Geez.

Well, I'll tell you what they did. They tried to squeeze in front of everybody in the left lane. Because, well, they had to. Because the right lane ended. Right then. Without any warning.

I did my part and let a white suburban cut me off. Did she thank me? Hell, no. But I had used my kind traffic deed for the day. So sorry to all you other losers right lane drivers. I must get to Target. My good deed, though, apparently inspired that dang lady in the white suburban because she proceeded to let them ALL in. All of them. So many in fact that when I looked in my rearview mirror I could see people moving out of the left lane to go around me in the right lane because she was letting every dang car on that road go BEFORE ME! Damn! That's what I fricking get for being nice.

So I wait a little bit thinking, My GAWD, what a crazy lunatic! surely she's going to stop this eventually until I could take it no longer and honked my horn and yelled, "Go, assh*le". And three cars later the assh*le did finally go.

I HATE being in traffic. HATE, HATE, HATE it!

You will all be thrilled to know that we made it to Target and back alive. I even have some stinky new lotion to prove it. I'd return it, but I don't want to go back there. Ever. Or at least until they quit laying that pipe or expanding the road or whatever they were doing wreaking such havoc on an otherwise pleasant day.

So while I was unloading our stuff I was listening to Elizabeth play at her little pink Princess table in the living room, jabbering on and pretending with her dolls and Little People as she enjoys doing these days. I thought to myself how cute she was and so smart to be so sweet with her babies when I heard....

"Brrrmmmm........GO ASSH*LE"

Of course.

She had lined up an ambulance, a dump truck, and some sort of 4-wheeler thing around the perimeter of those beautiful Disney Princesses. The Hot Wheels were cutting in front of the ambulance.

I tell myself that she is really, really smart to be able to replay the entire scenario and even use the words in their proper context. It makes me feel better.

So I'm going to quit swearing. Really. It's my New Year's Resolution. In June.

If Hope can give up smoking, I can give up swearing.

But then I may have to quit driving.

7 comments:

Krys72599 said...

LOVE this story!!! Out of the mouths of babes...
I tried the 'ole "quarter/dollar in a jar" routine to try and stop swearing - it effin' didn't work!
So I'm back to square one!!!
Let me know how June's New Year's Resolution works!!! Are you just going cold turkey?
And God bless Miss Hope - she's a strong woman!!!

Aunt Murry said...

Crack me up! When nephew 2 of 4 was a wee tot, I think he was two (he's now 18) we were headed to the store and someone cut me off. I yelled "Butthead" when I rememberd 2 was in the car. I actually caught a glimpse of him as I started to yell "A-hole" Anyway, we get back from the store and the parot formally known as 2 was running around saying....you guessed it "Butthead". My brother looked at me and said 'thanks' and I proclimaed..."Hey, it better than what was coming out of my mouth!" Not as charming as your story but along the same lines.

_came over from 'If its not one thing...

ChupieandJ'smama said...

Too funny :)

My youngest thinks everyone who drives is named "Moron" and no old people should be allowed to drive. Wonder where he gets that?

Aunt Becky said...

I gave up the eff word for Lent one year. Didn't work so well. Especially since I'm not Catholic.

Maggie said...

OMG. I am cracking up. Out loud. At work. hahaha

Lynsey said...

OMG that's hysterical!!! I love it!!!!

Miss Hope said...

Thanks for the shout out. All I can say is that now in my twisted mind, I sit by the wayside thinking all the cool kids smoke and I guess cuss?

We can be wallflowers together!

At least now I know cussing might not be a good replacement for cigarettes.