Have I told you how I now have to keep the pantry locked? How I found her one morning hanging with white knuckles from shelf five in an attempt to snag old Halloween candy? Or how we keep all the bathrooms locked to keep from scaling the counters to reach the toothpaste? Or how we moved our couch against a wall to contain her mountain-scaling attempts? Of all my children, she is the monkeyiest. The boys can't even keep up with her.
So I wasn't completely surprised when I went upstairs to investigate some panicked shrieking to find her completely underneath an overturned dresser. Now, I'm not saying I wasn't upset about it, but it's just, well, if anyone is going to turn over a dresser, it's going to be Elizabeth.
And for the record, Adam says she made him help her. I almost believe this.
So on Tuesday, we toured the new pediatric ER at our local hospital. We were one of the first to see it. We only paid $150 for that honor. And for the nice doctor to poke around my monkey girl's abdomen for about fifteen seconds and deem cat scans to have too much radiation for children and let us know the signs of internal bleeding, which if we happen to see any of those, by all means COME BACK. You know, you and your co-pay.
Watch her close now. Her kidneys may dissolve. Or she may be hanging from the ceiling any minute.
Of course this all came less than 24 hours after I drove Jacob to the pediatrician to have his palate inspected. The palate he lacerated after jumping up and down with a plastic stick shoved in his mouth. But FYI....blood comes out of clothing if you soak it quickly in cold water. And out of carpet. And toys. And hardwood floors, stair banisters, cheap laminate furniture, every rubberbacked rug, and also dog fur. Man. If you think pulling a baby tooth is bloody, imagine a two inch gash on the roof of your mouth. But he's fine now. Really. And the pink stuff only cost me a dollar.
I have no pictures of that, but trust me, you don't want any.
You know I can't leave the middle child out. That just wouldn't be fair. He saw the doctor too. He's been complaining or his heart beating very fast for a couple of weeks now. It could be anxiety over school starting or just noticing it while he's calming down in the evening, but either way, I wanted to be safe rather than sorry so his pediatrician scheduled an EKG and a chest x-ray. We were even able to bang that out while waiting for our ER tour. I'm all about killing two birds with one stone. Haven't heard from the doc about the tests, but I'm assuming no news is good news.
I do wish I had a picture of him grinning so sweetly at me with all those EKG wires connected to him. That sweet little Adam grin that just melts me. It about tore me up inside. I don't know what I'd do if something were wrong with him. Or his sister. Or his brother. In a second, Jacob could've severed his carotid artery, the dresser could've smashed Elizabeth's skull, but it didn't happen.
All my life I thought I'd be the perfect mother. I even majored in it. I aced all the child development classes I took toward my degree in, wait for it, Early Childhood Development and Elementary Education.
And then they were born. First Jacob, who is 8, then Adam, who is 4, and our biggest surprise, Elizabeth who is 2.
As much as I really wanted to be, I am finding out I am no June Cleaver. For starters, The Beav never had a baby sister.