Thursday, January 14, 2010

Fuzzy

Our first digital photos....





They aren't great. It wasn't a great camera, but boy it cost a pretty penny. I am amazed that I have a much better one now for a quarter of the price of the first one and even it isn't a fancy one.

I remember having a film camera. It was 2001. Now it is 2010. How did that happen? Sometimes I look at my eight year old child and wonder what happened to this little baby. I see myself and remember how I never thought I'd make it through those sleepless nights and scream-filled days. It seems like yesterday, yet at the same time it seems so far away.

Our family has grown in more ways than one since we bought that fuzzy, expensive camera. We're in a different house, in a different neighborhood, in a different town with a different dynamic than that June day. I didn't really see it coming back then, but I like it. Sometimes, though, I'd like to have just one more 2001 day. One more day to enjoy that tiny baby. Kiss his toes, feel his fuzzy hair, rock for hours on end in that old recliner, and sniff his sweet baby smell. Just one more day with that baby knowing what I know about him now.

I miss that baby.

And I wonder if I knew then what I know now about his "condition" if I'd been a better mother to him then.

I wish I could find out.

Sometimes.

4 comments:

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Me too. I wonder if I "made" Justin the way he is. Or, at least, aided in his issues. Sighh... No way to turn back the clock, though.

Sadie said...

I have no doubt that you were absolutely the best mom you could be at the time-- and that's all anyone could ask for.

Laura said...

We (I) had to do a timeline for Ally's class of her life. Of course looking at her baby pics was also looking at Evan's. They were both so freaking cute and so freaking normal. I want them back. I want to rock 2 babies at the same time. I want to sit on the floor for hours between them and just them. Sigh.

kristi said...

I sometimes question if my rushing my dr to induce me caused TC's issues...he was born and could not breathe. But I try not to go there because what's done is done. I still think shots may have played a role too...you just don't know and can drive yourself crazy.