12

Today you are 12.

I remember rocking you in the recliner and watching television which we did quite often that first year, and hearing the kids in the neighborhood heading off to their first day of school.  I couldn't imagine ever doing that with you and here we've been doing it seven years now.  I also remember thinking when I heard that strange little girl who always ding-dong ditched us that she had just turned twelve and WOW, it would be forever before you were that old.

Forever is here, Baby.

I think you are now too old for the whole, you-wear-size 8-pants post.   So I will try this:

Jacob,

These twelve years have not been easy for me.   You were not the baby I imagined when I was little and dressed my female baby dolls.  You didn't easily fit into my life plan by playing at said times and eating at said times and, most especially, sleeping at set times.  I thought I would lose my mind that first year, and maybe I did briefly.   I was very much a Type A personality with a little person who wouldn't allow that.   I am so sorry for all those nasty words you learned because of that.

I tried so hard to make you fit into the perfect mold because everyone around me told me you weren't right.  I took that to be a reflection of myself and I didn't want any of those perfect strangers to think poorly of me, so I worked and pushed and cried and screamed to get your square peg into the world's circle hole.   For years.  I didn't see what I really had right in front of me.   You.   The real you.  I am sorry for that too.

Jacob, I now know that your brain is wired differently.   I still don't understand the mass of information thrown at us about it, but I know I should have told all those well-meaning "friends" years ago to get off your case and let you be you.

I am proud of the way that you deal with this difference every day.    Others may have given up years ago, but you keep on trucking and doing what you have to do even when it frustrates you beyond reason.    You try to find the good in others even when there isn't much to be found.    You spread the gospel even where it isn't cool to do so.  You attempt to ignore those who don't respect that you are living your own life.

I am sorry for what you have dealt with in the "Christian" school this week.   I am sorry that you have dealt with that for so long.  Truly, Jacob, we really thought we were doing what was best for you, smaller classes, less kids,  Christian values.   I thought I was protecting you from the big bad world out there, but instead I was throwing you into it.  I am still afraid of what public school will bring,  but I think you can handle it.  You are 12 now.  Mama doesn't have to fix it for you.

In six years you will be an adult.  I cannot even fathom that now, but it will sneak up on us quickly just as twelve did.  My wish is that we can all accept and boost "YOU"  while helping you learn what you need to be a decent adult.   I hope you use your high IQ and bring up your grades and go to a wonderful university *cough* West Virginia *cough*, but you know what?  God really doesn't care if you make all As.  I don't think he really cares if you memorize every scripture in the Bible.  I think what matters is that you become a nice, caring, good person who spreads love and kindness wherever he goes and I know you can do that.   Please don't let a few small-minded people drag you down, Baby.  You are too special for that.

Thank you for relieving me of my Type A personality.  I really wasn't that happy that way.   I know that is one of the reason's God sent you to me.

Happy Birthday Jacob!  I love you.

I Have Forgotten What Sleep is Like, but I Can Wear a Size 8 Again.

It is 4:23 am.  Another sleepless night.  I haven't slept in days.  Maybe I've lost more weight; we had pizza tonight and I could only stomach three bites.  That hasn't happened in, well, ever.  I was looking for a good diet plan......

I watch the Bob Newhart Show every evening and one of the ladies in his group session, usually starts out saying, "I have this huge knot in my stomach...." and tonight I thought, "She must be trying to get some justice for her kid".

My huge knot keeps me from sleeping, keeps me from eating, keeps me from truly enjoying my life right now.   Adam's best friend is moving tomorrow (probably another reason the knot keeps growing). They are having one last sleepover.  They made a fort and are conked out on the living room floor.  They traded Legos and watched Duck Dynasty and laughed and laughed and laughed.  It was so heartwarming but my knot was still there.  I could've dug out the ice cream and made a huge mess, but I didn't.  I couldn't.  I just didn't have it in me.   I regret it already.

I took Elizabeth to a birthday party today and tried to engage with the other mothers.  It was easier standing at the edge of the park away from it all though, so that's what I did.  They don't see me much since I work three days a week; I really wanted to get to know these ladies, who knows when I'll get the chance again, but I just couldn't.  I didn't have it in me.  I regret that already too.

Sometimes the knot grows up into my chest.  I find myself struggling to catch a good breath.  I think, oh dang, I forgot to call the cardiologist like my OB suggested after Elizabeth was born.  Oh no.  What is going on with me?  Maybe I have cancer?  Of what?  Air?  Oh, look!  Charlie and Lola.  Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.   Oh, yeah, anxiety.  Great.  Just what I need the week before we drive 15 hours to Disney.

Then I realize I've felt this before:   When I was 12 and my Granny died suddenly, the days after my mom's heart attack/bypass surgery, In September when Ezra passed away.  That's when it dawns on me.  I don't have anxiety.  I have grief.

I am grieving.  Oh yes.  That is exactly what this is.

I am grieving for my child although he is still just a few feet away.  I grieve for him and what his life could've been if he didn't have IT.  The aspergers, the ADD, the ODD, the auditory processing disorders, the social anxiety, the premature birth which exacerbated all of these things.  I grieve for his opportunities lost because so much time has been wasted in what I thought and was told would be the best environment for him.  I grieve for his soul that is crushed every single day having to be teased and poked and beaten from these people, children and adults alike, who claim to give it all to Chr*st.   Doesn't the Bible say, "If G*d is with us, who can be against us?"  I grieve because my child can tell you who is against him.  I don't even think he believes G*d is with him any longer.  I grieve for that too.  I grieve for Jacob because he isn't happy.  He doesn't know what it's like to have a friend spend the night or even the grief that comes from having your best friend move because he has never had a best friend.  Shit, he's never had a friend.  I grieve because I know if this continues, he won't want to continue, because really?  Who wants to live like that?  I'm 44 years old and I don't.  He's 11.  Why does everyone think this is all right?  

We are going to Disney next week.  I sort of feel like this is our Make-a-Wish trip.   Only we are paying for it.  My golly are we paying for it.   Here you go children!  We have been so stressed and overwhelmed and dealing with things we really shouldn't have to deal with, so go hug Snow White and feel better for a week!  But the thing is.....We shouldn't feel this way!  My child is perfectly healthy and for that I am extremely grateful.  Don't think for a minute I don't realize how lucky I am that we do not need Make-a-Wish services.  Our problems aren't even in the same league, but still.  The grief is there.   For Jacob who lives that in first person every day.  For Adam and Elizabeth who feel the wrath after it happens.  For us and his grandparents who just don't even really know what to do to fix it.

So sad that we get to experience this just so a few undisciplined children could feel big about themselves.  And a few uncaring adults just didn't want to be bothered.

I grieve for our world, because this is acceptable here.   Shameful.

Be Careful What You Ask For

So.....

Jacob got a detention this week.

Nothing too new about that, although it's his first one this year.  He is quite familiar with the yellow sheet of doom from years past and most of the time he has actually deserved it, but let me ask YOU if you think he deserved it this time......

The dentention form little square box was checked for fighting.  Okay, wrap your head around that for a minute.  My third grader sized sixth grader brings home a detention slip for fighting.  Okay.  The explanation underneath was he pushed another child's hand away from his desk.  HIS desk.  As in Jacob's desk.  Okay.   I also got an email right about the same time informing me that "the infraction" occurred the previous day.  Um Hm.  So.  I discuss this with Jacob and this is the story:

When he changed classes to his second teacher of the day, she did not come into the room right away instead standing out in the hallway gabbing it up with the other two teachers.  Yes.  I am paying for that, but let's move on shall we?  So Jacob finally takes out a piece of paper and starts drawing on it.   At some point Bully number 6,452 goes up to Jacob from behind and starts tickling him in the abdominal region.  ( I did not attend Christian school and can still use big words ).  Jacob asked him to stop.  He did not stop.  He asked him again.  He did not stop.  He asked him again.  He did stop BUT he took his paper and crumpled it up.  Jacob pushed his hand away and grabbed for his paper.  THEN is when the teacher's gossip session ended and she entered the room.  OF COURSE SHE DID.

That's not all....

She then proceeded to shame Jacob in front of the entire class by using him as an example of non-Christian behavior while vigorously filling out that sheet as fast as she could.

"Jacob, do you realize you have sinned?"   "Yes Ma'am"
"Jacob are you in the sixth grade?"  "Yes Ma'am"
"Jacob do we hit others when we are mad like a baby?"  "No Ma'am"

Because we have erroneously taught him to respect his teachers, he actually did.  Dammit.

I very respectfully then replied to the email asking if touching is not allowed, why was the tickling allowed and also why is it okay to throw rocks at my kid because, duh, pushing a hand away seems a wee bit less dangerous to rock contact to the skull?  Where in hell is my reply to that one?

So then Daddy got involved.

DUM DUM DUM

I let all the teachers know early on, if you see Daddy, it's not a good thing.

So he calls about the same thing requesting a conference between all three sixth grade teachers.  The teachers have now had over 24 hours to get their stories straight and OF COURSE the teacher was always in the room and only saw Jacob being EXTREMELY RUDE (because throwing rocks at someone's head is a friendly thing to do), but she'd talk to the "victim" the next day.  You know, the victim because Jacob is such a damn bully.

So Jacob returns for the day and I ask him how it went.  This is how it went:

"Reagan, did you tickle Jacob before he hurt you?"  "No, I did not, I swear"
"Tristan (Reagan's best friend), did you see Reagan tickle Jacob?"  "No Ma'am"
"Jacob, you get an extra detention for lying, you other boys can go out to play."

(I wouldn't normally use another kid's name in my blog, but I don't really give a crap at this point.  Reagan and Tristan you are bullies.  Sue me)

(And really, who names a boy Tristan?  That right there screws a kid up)

(If your kid is named Tristan I am sure he's wonderful, you can leave my blog now, I won't be upset.)

(And I think Reagan is now a girl's name.  Oh snap, no wonder these kids are this way)

Anyway,

And then Jacob says to me:  "I told her they were lying, but she just shook her head and let them leave. I don't really know why she asked Tristan about it though because he was absent on Monday."

Which is when I said, "OH FUCK NO"

SERIOUSLY?

Then Daddy got involved again.  He now wants conference to include three teachers PLUS principal.

When Jacob got in the car yesterday he was crying.  This was after I picked him up in front of two of the teachers and all the other parents and saw two kids poking him in the back with a stick.  WTF?  They quit when they saw me and denied it, but WTF?  I am near-sighted but not blind and are all the other adults there blind?  WTF?   It got worse.  WORSE:

After gym,  Jacob was in line for a drink (which I have forbidden all three of my children to use the water fountain but they do not listen, but anyway) and Bully 6,453 pushed his newly braced and newly capped teeth right into the spout and pushed him out of the way.  After many lectures from Yours Truly the previous two days about DEAR GOD BOY STAND UP FOR YOURSELF he yelled out to stop and quit pushing him to the HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR PE TEACHER.   Who told him to suck it up and then told the rest of the sixth grade that they would all be doing PT (something bad apparently) the next day because of Jacob's "tattling".  W.  T.  F?

Yes, I am just now finding out that they have let A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR TEACH SIXTH GRADE BOYS GYM.  I am paying for that.   Funny how we never got an email about that important development and also?  If I were paying for my kid's high school education I think I would be wanting him to be learning something INSTEAD OF DOING SOMEONE ELSE'S JOB!

Then Daddy got involved AGAIN.  He now wants a conference with the three teachers, his learning lab teacher, the principal, the actual paycheck earning coach, AND the administrator.

They were supposed to meet at 8:45 this morning but one of the teachers didn't show so they rescheduled.

I went ahead and sent him to school today.  I did not want to, but I don't want him to get behind.  I have regretted it all day.  He was in a rage this morning.    He hit his siblings, he called me names, he swore he'd kill me.  Or his dad.   Or maybe himself.   There was much screaming.   It broke my heart and pissed me off all at the same time.

His birthday is Monday.  He won't be going to school.  No one should have to deal with that crap ON THEIR BIRTHDAY!  

After that, we'll have to see.   Please don't tell me I need to pull him ASAP because I really have thought about that, but there is a lot to consider, namely he'd be the ONLY new kid coming in making him a bit of a target to the non-Christian bullies out there.

The good news is that this is a good diet plan.  I have lost seven pounds since Tuesday.  I am also not at all ambivalent about where he'll attend school next year.  It WON'T be Christian School.   I asked G*d for a sign and he gave it to me.  In spades.

Thank you?

(And seriously if you are named Reagan or Tristan I am sure they are perfectfully nice names, but right now I hate them, so sorry)

**Edited to add:
Principal comes out to my car at pick-up time letting me know that, hey, your husband wants to have a meeting and I just wanted to touch base and then proceeded to tell me I really needed to talk to Jacob because he doesn't really have his stories straight.  The tickling happened LAST week and Jacob just pushed Reagan's hand away for no good reason.  When I asked did Reagan get detention for touching my child he informed it was all in good fun and nobody was hurt...hahaha.  I respectfully disagreed and then he asked if I had called Reagan's mother and maybe that was a good place to start.  Um.  I pay your ass to do that buddy.  Then he slapped my car door and said, "have a great weekend, it was good talking to you, hopefully Jacob can get his stories straight".   You will be glad to know I neither spit on him nor flipped him off, although both crossed my mind, but that wouldn't be Christian behavior now would it?

****Oh, and did I ever mention the principal is one of his teacher's husband?  Yeah.