Saturday, March 02, 2013

I Have Forgotten What Sleep is Like, but I Can Wear a Size 8 Again.

It is 4:23 am.  Another sleepless night.  I haven't slept in days.  Maybe I've lost more weight; we had pizza tonight and I could only stomach three bites.  That hasn't happened in, well, ever.  I was looking for a good diet plan......

I watch the Bob Newhart Show every evening and one of the ladies in his group session, usually starts out saying, "I have this huge knot in my stomach...." and tonight I thought, "She must be trying to get some justice for her kid".

My huge knot keeps me from sleeping, keeps me from eating, keeps me from truly enjoying my life right now.   Adam's best friend is moving tomorrow (probably another reason the knot keeps growing). They are having one last sleepover.  They made a fort and are conked out on the living room floor.  They traded Legos and watched Duck Dynasty and laughed and laughed and laughed.  It was so heartwarming but my knot was still there.  I could've dug out the ice cream and made a huge mess, but I didn't.  I couldn't.  I just didn't have it in me.   I regret it already.

I took Elizabeth to a birthday party today and tried to engage with the other mothers.  It was easier standing at the edge of the park away from it all though, so that's what I did.  They don't see me much since I work three days a week; I really wanted to get to know these ladies, who knows when I'll get the chance again, but I just couldn't.  I didn't have it in me.  I regret that already too.

Sometimes the knot grows up into my chest.  I find myself struggling to catch a good breath.  I think, oh dang, I forgot to call the cardiologist like my OB suggested after Elizabeth was born.  Oh no.  What is going on with me?  Maybe I have cancer?  Of what?  Air?  Oh, look!  Charlie and Lola.  Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.   Oh, yeah, anxiety.  Great.  Just what I need the week before we drive 15 hours to Disney.

Then I realize I've felt this before:   When I was 12 and my Granny died suddenly, the days after my mom's heart attack/bypass surgery, In September when Ezra passed away.  That's when it dawns on me.  I don't have anxiety.  I have grief.

I am grieving.  Oh yes.  That is exactly what this is.

I am grieving for my child although he is still just a few feet away.  I grieve for him and what his life could've been if he didn't have IT.  The aspergers, the ADD, the ODD, the auditory processing disorders, the social anxiety, the premature birth which exacerbated all of these things.  I grieve for his opportunities lost because so much time has been wasted in what I thought and was told would be the best environment for him.  I grieve for his soul that is crushed every single day having to be teased and poked and beaten from these people, children and adults alike, who claim to give it all to Chr*st.   Doesn't the Bible say, "If G*d is with us, who can be against us?"  I grieve because my child can tell you who is against him.  I don't even think he believes G*d is with him any longer.  I grieve for that too.  I grieve for Jacob because he isn't happy.  He doesn't know what it's like to have a friend spend the night or even the grief that comes from having your best friend move because he has never had a best friend.  Shit, he's never had a friend.  I grieve because I know if this continues, he won't want to continue, because really?  Who wants to live like that?  I'm 44 years old and I don't.  He's 11.  Why does everyone think this is all right?  

We are going to Disney next week.  I sort of feel like this is our Make-a-Wish trip.   Only we are paying for it.  My golly are we paying for it.   Here you go children!  We have been so stressed and overwhelmed and dealing with things we really shouldn't have to deal with, so go hug Snow White and feel better for a week!  But the thing is.....We shouldn't feel this way!  My child is perfectly healthy and for that I am extremely grateful.  Don't think for a minute I don't realize how lucky I am that we do not need Make-a-Wish services.  Our problems aren't even in the same league, but still.  The grief is there.   For Jacob who lives that in first person every day.  For Adam and Elizabeth who feel the wrath after it happens.  For us and his grandparents who just don't even really know what to do to fix it.

So sad that we get to experience this just so a few undisciplined children could feel big about themselves.  And a few uncaring adults just didn't want to be bothered.

I grieve for our world, because this is acceptable here.   Shameful.


Momster said...

Hi Andria,
I've only commented once, maybe twice in all the years I've been following your blog. I'm not the type of person to offer unsolicited advice or opinions to a stranger. But, I really feel compelled to comment after this post. I think you need to get Jacob out of that school IMMEDIATELY. I am absolutely stunned at the things your son has had to deal with at that "Christian" school. I understand your hesitation to switch Jacob's school at this point in the year, but I would hope that the public schools would be required by law to deal with the bullying problem you've had. In the state where I live, there is a STRICT no-bullying policy, and it's taken very seriously. It's actually mandated by state law. Beyond that though, the schools here work very proactively to foster a community of acceptance and tolerance. I sub and volunteer at my kids' school, and I'm consistently impressed with the compassion and kindness that I see, especially towards the kids who are "different" or have disabilities. And your grief is not going to stop until you know your child is safe and happy. You're sending him into a lions den every single day. Frankly, the symptoms you describe sound like situational depression. I don't know how you feel about medication, but perhaps you need a short term prescription to help through this horrible time. It's very difficult to deal with a crises such as this one when you're feeling like you do. In order to be the very best advocate for your son, you MUST take care of yourself first. I hope and pray that you and your family can find peace soon.

Jana said...

I'm with Momster. I know you're worried about all of these things, but you've got to take care of yourself so that you can fully be there for your kids. I hope the trip to Disney helps to calm all of you and clear your minds and hearts a bit. Every single one of you deserves a week of fun and peace and I sincerely hope you have a fantastic time there. And when you get back, maybe you, me, and Fran can meet up for a drink somewhere. It sounds like you need an evening out with some friends!

Fran said...

Count me in, Jana!! I hope you can all have a wonderful time on your trip and that it renews and refreshes you. When you get back, we will be here for you.

Mommy Daisy said...

Hugs & prayers for you. I know this is tough. I say I know, but I don't really. Still my heart aches for you and what your family is going and has been through already. I hope that you have a great time at Disney and get to relax and just enjoy each other for a while.

tracey becker said...

I hope Disney goes well. I really, really do. And I hope you'll consider what the women above have recommended. Can he be homeschooled for just a few months? I know you work, but there are ways to work around it, sometimes. Is public school an option for the remainder of this year?