Have I told you how I now have to keep the pantry locked? How I found her one morning hanging with white knuckles from shelf five in an attempt to snag old Halloween candy? Or how we keep all the bathrooms locked to keep from scaling the counters to reach the toothpaste? Or how we moved our couch against a wall to contain her mountain-scaling attempts? Of all my children, she is the monkeyiest. The boys can't even keep up with her.
So I wasn't completely surprised when I went upstairs to investigate some panicked shrieking to find her completely underneath an overturned dresser. Now, I'm not saying I wasn't upset about it, but it's just, well, if anyone is going to turn over a dresser, it's going to be Elizabeth.
And for the record, Adam says she made him help her. I almost believe this.
So on Tuesday, we toured the new pediatric ER at our local hospital. We were one of the first to see it. We only paid $150 for that honor. And for the nice doctor to poke around my monkey girl's abdomen for about fifteen seconds and deem cat scans to have too much radiation for children and let us know the signs of internal bleeding, which if we happen to see any of those, by all means COME BACK. You know, you and your co-pay.
Watch her close now. Her kidneys may dissolve. Or she may be hanging from the ceiling any minute.
Of course this all came less than 24 hours after I drove Jacob to the pediatrician to have his palate inspected. The palate he lacerated after jumping up and down with a plastic stick shoved in his mouth. But FYI....blood comes out of clothing if you soak it quickly in cold water. And out of carpet. And toys. And hardwood floors, stair banisters, cheap laminate furniture, every rubberbacked rug, and also dog fur. Man. If you think pulling a baby tooth is bloody, imagine a two inch gash on the roof of your mouth. But he's fine now. Really. And the pink stuff only cost me a dollar.
I have no pictures of that, but trust me, you don't want any.
You know I can't leave the middle child out. That just wouldn't be fair. He saw the doctor too. He's been complaining or his heart beating very fast for a couple of weeks now. It could be anxiety over school starting or just noticing it while he's calming down in the evening, but either way, I wanted to be safe rather than sorry so his pediatrician scheduled an EKG and a chest x-ray. We were even able to bang that out while waiting for our ER tour. I'm all about killing two birds with one stone. Haven't heard from the doc about the tests, but I'm assuming no news is good news.
I do wish I had a picture of him grinning so sweetly at me with all those EKG wires connected to him. That sweet little Adam grin that just melts me. It about tore me up inside. I don't know what I'd do if something were wrong with him. Or his sister. Or his brother. In a second, Jacob could've severed his carotid artery, the dresser could've smashed Elizabeth's skull, but it didn't happen.
Thank you for giving me the extra time to really work on my grocery list. I didn't think I'd have time to do that, but when you honked at me in the Penney's parking lot because I wasn't strapping my kids in fast enough for you helped me find the time. I was able to match coupons to all three grocery ads saving me lots of money. Who cares that I only went to one store? Lady in the red Camry, I hope that parking spot was as special as you thought it would be. I'm sure the six cars trapped behind you would think otherwise and probably all wondered, as I did, why you didn't just back up and take the space four cars down instead of idling there for fifteen minutes. I had three kids, packages, and a hefty stroller. If you needed to be thirty feet closer, maybe you could've gotten out of your car and helped me instead of giving me and my kids the finger.
I realize by publishing a non-password protected blog on the world wide web, that anyone can read my drivel. I'm okay with that. I don't find our lives or my writing so interesting that I think people would steal it's content but I guess that could happen. I mean, when you posted my link on your Facebook fan page without my consent for a little free advertising I'm sure you didn't think I'd notice, but it popped up on my home page just five minutes after I hit that big orange button. Didn't count on me being a fan, huh? When I commented on your link, the least you could've done is acknowledge me. Or maybe just tell me thank you. For which, BTW, You're Welcome.
WTF? Your kids are terrorizing our neighborhood. Everyone is talking about you. Get a nanny who speaks English and can discipline the hoodlums or stay home and quit roaming around the country under the ruse of "business". If you have enough money to travel 300 days out of the year, you probably have enough money to install your own swimming pool. Please do. It'll save you tons in legal fees because your teenagers are likely to drown someone one day. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KIDS SO WE DON'T HAVE TO!
One hour photo means you get your photos in ONE HOUR. It does not mean you get your photos in NINE HOURS. My order wasn't that big. Neither was the girl in front of me you tried to blame. If your equipment is screwed up, don't assure me it'll be done in an hour, be honest and say so. I've never liked you anyway since you started taking over every street corner. You almost ruined my special scrapbook getaway. I couldn't drink my beer for NINE HOURS because I was waiting, waiting, waiting to finally get in my car and pick up those pictures. That I needed. Because I was fricking SCRAPBOOKING!
Wanna see pictures from our tenth anniversary trip?
Or even better....
The husband was going to arrange a little getaway months ago because ten years is pretty big. I think he's a little surprised I've stayed this long. Or vice versa. But anyway, we were going to do it up on our tenth anniversary by golly.
Two weeks before the big day he still hadn't scheduled anything.
So I did it for him.
My sister decided to spend her vacation that very week at my parents so I couldn't in good conscience ask them to add three more to that chaotic mix so I found a place we all could enjoy.
But it was twice as much work and I could've stayed home and done the exact same chasing for free fun. Fun. Really.
We had a nice view....
And plenty to keep us busy....
And there was PF Changs. Twice.
Okay. So that's not PF Changs. It's outside PF Changs. I was too busy stuffing my face while allowing my children to run wild inside the restaurant to the chagrin of all the other patrons and waiters. It was my anniversary, man. I needed to have some fun. I mean, you can just drink so many eight dollar pina coladas by the poolside before you begin to feel guilty.
Don't bother to wish me a Happy Anniversary though. All this happened almost a month ago. Nothing like being timely and on the ball, huh?
I'd tell you more about how awesome the resort was, but I don't want to give away free reviews. I mean, I could, but if there's the off chance the people there might see that I went to THE WOODLANDS RESORT and want to offer me, say, a weekend stay with free tasty breakfast to review their amenities I would not turn it down.
If you get a friend request you can do three things: confirm it and then maybe you can get another street for Parking Wars, ignore it and it disappears from your notification page, or leave it there to haunt you every time you log in. If you choose to ignore it, the friend will not get a message letting her know you dogged her on the world wide web, BUT, if she happens to go back and find you again it will say Add As Friend again. If you leave it there and do nothing it will say Friend Request Pending and your "friend" can just think you never check your account.
The friend suggestion is just that. You can ignore that and no one will know the difference, unless the friend who made the suggestion is keeping track. If you request the suggested friend and he confirms it, a notification will go back to the person who suggested it.
Be careful who you add to your friend list. This winter I confirmed a request from a girl with whom I supposedly went to high school. The minute I pressed confirm, that "girl" planted a load of spyware and viruses onto my computer and until my husband could figure it all out and save it, I lost everything. I saw that everyone else in my class was friending her and I just thought I must be losing it for a bit and I'd surely remember who she was when I read her wall, but she had no wall. Just a bunch of saps "friends" from my hometown. I am now extremely careful. I know I have probably ignored requests from people I really do know because I didn't recognize their married name, they didn't have a decent picture of themselves on their profile, or they could have been internet friends who forget I don't know last names and sometimes only know pseudonyms. If you were a victim of my ignorance in that situation, I'm sorry, if you still wanna be friends, add a personal message with your request letting me know who you are.
All my life I thought I'd be the perfect mother. I even majored in it. I aced all the child development classes I took toward my degree in, wait for it, Early Childhood Development and Elementary Education.
And then they were born. First Jacob, who is 8, then Adam, who is 4, and our biggest surprise, Elizabeth who is 2.
As much as I really wanted to be, I am finding out I am no June Cleaver. For starters, The Beav never had a baby sister.