Week 3

The days drag on....I know you are feeling the same.  

When I quit "that job" two years ago I wanted nothing more than to tinker around my house, organize and clean things,  spend some time alone.   When I started working again in November I wanted just one more at-home day in the week.  Be careful what you ask for.  

We are okay.   It's been over two weeks since we returned from Colorado so we probably didn't pick the virus up there.  It's been eleven days since I went out to that doctor appointment.   I feel fine....mostly.    Derick continues to go to work everyday.   And to Walmart.   And yesterday Ace Hardware.    That was super important you know, he needed caterpillar repellent for the garden he was going to build ten years ago but apparently it's imperative he do it now.   I prop pillows between us at night but what good do they do?   He coughs all over them.   Then there were the gloves he used to buy groceries that he left lying on the table we eat at.   Everytime I feel a cough or a tickle in my throat I am convinced he gave it to me and I, in turn, gave it to my children.  I wish to all that was holy that he would stay home but he doesn't.   I can't imagine if he worked in a hospital.

It is 12:03 pm and my kids are still in bed.   Adam and Elizabeth.   Jacob is still in the dorm.   I assume he is probably still in bed as well.   I talk to him every day and he seems fine but I worry.   Anyway, Adam and Elizabeth are sound asleep.   They will probably rise between 3 and 4.   Yep.   Derick is upset with me that I don't wake them earlier but, truly, I just can't handle that fight on top of the anxiety I currently feel.  When we first got home I figured they needed the sleep to fight off any germs and now it's just a bad, bad habit.   I know I should do something about it but I am not there yet.   I am struggling.   I am 51 and I cry every day.    They are 15 and 12.   If sleeping all day and playing video games and watching Disney Plus all night helps them to cope, who am I to keep them from it?    Distance learning isn't really happening here.  For one, I teach preschool and my kids are way past that curriculum.   Also, they want to do everything themselves, my attempts at help are rebuked.  Adam must be attending night school because all of his assignments have been virtually turned in.   Elizabeth hasn't done a thing all this time.  Teachers are emailing me and I do not even have the energy to deal with them, I mean, are they really going to take grades over things they have not taught?   At this point Elizabeth will repeat seventh grade.   She seems fine with that.   Who knows what will happen?   Here we are for another month.   I can still hear the traffic, the same as it ever was, outside my window.   Where are all these people going?   I see my neighbor continue to teach his crossfit classes in his garage, many people there all day long.   I mean, what good is all that if you catch a deadly virus and die?   The one neighbor family who moved in three months after us (12 years ago) who NEVER, EVER go outside are having another big ass playdate with many more than 10 people in the park across the street.   I don't even know their names.    I would love to take a walk around our nature trail but, all that.

I sat out back most of the weekend.   Apparently the tree pollen is high.   I am hoping that is all it is.   My throat is a little scratchy and I cough when I first awaken in the morning.   I somehow pulled a muscle in my back on Saturday and I was convinced by last night it was my left lung giving out.

My husband's friend has been on a ventilator since last Thursday.   His kidneys are now failing.   The band director at my old high school died on Friday.    They are trying to keep my friend's brother out of the hospital because he has had three kidney transplants but his side is hurting like the last time he experienced rejection.   Yet.   My husband still goes to work.  Every week day.   And to Walmart.   And probably Ace Hardware.

Jacob just called me.   He has a headache.   I assume it's the new online learning but how do you know?   I can't go there.   I am afraid to go there.

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I think is this must all be a dream and then I remember.   I remember where we are, what we are doing, and that tonight might be the night it all finds us.

Pretty fucking pissed off at the dumb ass who thought a bat might taste good and the people selling said bats.

Now I have all this time to do the things I wanted and I just can't do them.  

Holy Shit

WTF is going on with our world?   

Let me tell you this crap is no joke for a hypochondriac with anxiety issues.     I am scared  ya'll!

I cannot believe I flew my family to VAIL, COLORADO right into a hotspot for a fucking vacation!

Sweet Lord, I will never forgive myself if they catch this because I thought it would be fun for them to ski.   

I haven't been out in eight days.   I wouldn't have gone out then but I had a doctor appointment I thought was necessary (probably wasn't).  My kids have not left the house in thirteen days.    My husband left the house this morning.   He goes to work every day.   It is KILLING me.   I like to think we didn't catch the virus in the airport two weeks ago and are doing A-OK until I remember, he is probably bringing it to us every single day he walks out that door.   I really don't even know what to do in this situation.  He doesn't seem to care.    I try to stay away from him but then he crawls into bed with me every night and I wake up with his face right in mine and we start the do-I-or-don't-I count all over again.   

I can't imagine people working in hospitals.   Or grocery stores.   

And what is up with people still getting take-out?  I mean, you don't know who is cooking your damn food!

Our town highway runs behind our backyard.   I still hear the same amount of cars I always have.   I hear the radios blaring, people having fun.   I still see the traffic update on the news and there are plenty of cars all over town.  I see the posts on our town Facebook page or the same people lining up inches away from one another to walk into the supermarket and hoard the same shit they did the day before.   I watch my neighbor having a big ass playdate.   Outside in front of my house without a care in the world.  

WTF....WTF is wrong with people?  Why is our country not completely shut down?   Why are car dealerships open?  Why are restaurants still open?   Why can't people eat at home for two weeks?   Why can't my husband who insists he stays in his office all day do the same thing at home without being fired?   

I haven't seen my parents since mid-February.   They are 76 years old.  They have cardiovascular issues.   I am scared.   I don't want to lose them.   They are at the lake far away from others but they will run out of food soon.   And medicines.   They will have to go out.   I am scared.   I try to play that last time I saw them in my head, just in case.  I can't really remember what we did.    I am scared.   

Jacob is still in his dorm.   The call to switch to online school came while we were on that stupid ass vacation so he had to stay.   We went to retrieve him as soon as we got home and he wanted to stay.   Begged to stay.   He is 18.   We let him.   I wish we had forced him to leave.   Now he has been there almost two weeks.   I have no idea what he's been doing, where he's been going, who he's been seeing.   If I bring him back now there is no telling what he will pass along to us.   I am scared.    We have had our issues but he is my child.   I love him.  I want him safe.   I am scared. 

I hope you all are doing well amid this uncertainty.    

Don't be scared now.

2020

I wanted to post every month in 2020 and now it is MARCH!   

I missed this birthday and in two days Jacob will have a birthday.    I need to catch up.  

I can't believe this tiny baby is 15!

When I started this blog he was nine months old.

The days are long but the years are short.

I want to write something long and meaningful but, my goodness, life.

Elizabeth does golf and track and Adam is doing spring football and track.   I tutor once a week and work three days a week.  Sometimes in there these people want to eat and live in a clean house.

And sometimes:

Needless to say my anxiety/stress has been through the roof.

I love my current job, love my co-workers, LOVE my boss,  but I don't think I can keep doing it next year.   Last year when I did not work was the best I have felt in many years.    I can't take the medicines they prescribe because the side effects are worse.   Currently I have at least one panic attack a day and my hypochondria has convinced me that I'll be dead by the end of the year.   I have had a dermatology exam, a mammogram,  and have a colonoscopy scheduled at the end of the month.        And then there's the coronavirus already in TEXAS!  I write this because when I do I see how crazy it sounds but anxiety is a liar.

We are going to Colorado for spring break.   I am hoping I can enjoy it.

Adam is fine, BTW.   Glue and steri-strips for a week and he's back at it.   He passed out due to lock knees during football boot camp and since he was the captain he was at the front of the line hence fell forward onto the gym floor rather than another kid catch his fall.   It could have been worse.   He'll never do that again.

Maybe I can get that birthday post completed while I watch it snow.