Week 3

The days drag on....I know you are feeling the same.  

When I quit "that job" two years ago I wanted nothing more than to tinker around my house, organize and clean things,  spend some time alone.   When I started working again in November I wanted just one more at-home day in the week.  Be careful what you ask for.  

We are okay.   It's been over two weeks since we returned from Colorado so we probably didn't pick the virus up there.  It's been eleven days since I went out to that doctor appointment.   I feel fine....mostly.    Derick continues to go to work everyday.   And to Walmart.   And yesterday Ace Hardware.    That was super important you know, he needed caterpillar repellent for the garden he was going to build ten years ago but apparently it's imperative he do it now.   I prop pillows between us at night but what good do they do?   He coughs all over them.   Then there were the gloves he used to buy groceries that he left lying on the table we eat at.   Everytime I feel a cough or a tickle in my throat I am convinced he gave it to me and I, in turn, gave it to my children.  I wish to all that was holy that he would stay home but he doesn't.   I can't imagine if he worked in a hospital.

It is 12:03 pm and my kids are still in bed.   Adam and Elizabeth.   Jacob is still in the dorm.   I assume he is probably still in bed as well.   I talk to him every day and he seems fine but I worry.   Anyway, Adam and Elizabeth are sound asleep.   They will probably rise between 3 and 4.   Yep.   Derick is upset with me that I don't wake them earlier but, truly, I just can't handle that fight on top of the anxiety I currently feel.  When we first got home I figured they needed the sleep to fight off any germs and now it's just a bad, bad habit.   I know I should do something about it but I am not there yet.   I am struggling.   I am 51 and I cry every day.    They are 15 and 12.   If sleeping all day and playing video games and watching Disney Plus all night helps them to cope, who am I to keep them from it?    Distance learning isn't really happening here.  For one, I teach preschool and my kids are way past that curriculum.   Also, they want to do everything themselves, my attempts at help are rebuked.  Adam must be attending night school because all of his assignments have been virtually turned in.   Elizabeth hasn't done a thing all this time.  Teachers are emailing me and I do not even have the energy to deal with them, I mean, are they really going to take grades over things they have not taught?   At this point Elizabeth will repeat seventh grade.   She seems fine with that.   Who knows what will happen?   Here we are for another month.   I can still hear the traffic, the same as it ever was, outside my window.   Where are all these people going?   I see my neighbor continue to teach his crossfit classes in his garage, many people there all day long.   I mean, what good is all that if you catch a deadly virus and die?   The one neighbor family who moved in three months after us (12 years ago) who NEVER, EVER go outside are having another big ass playdate with many more than 10 people in the park across the street.   I don't even know their names.    I would love to take a walk around our nature trail but, all that.

I sat out back most of the weekend.   Apparently the tree pollen is high.   I am hoping that is all it is.   My throat is a little scratchy and I cough when I first awaken in the morning.   I somehow pulled a muscle in my back on Saturday and I was convinced by last night it was my left lung giving out.

My husband's friend has been on a ventilator since last Thursday.   His kidneys are now failing.   The band director at my old high school died on Friday.    They are trying to keep my friend's brother out of the hospital because he has had three kidney transplants but his side is hurting like the last time he experienced rejection.   Yet.   My husband still goes to work.  Every week day.   And to Walmart.   And probably Ace Hardware.

Jacob just called me.   He has a headache.   I assume it's the new online learning but how do you know?   I can't go there.   I am afraid to go there.

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I think is this must all be a dream and then I remember.   I remember where we are, what we are doing, and that tonight might be the night it all finds us.

Pretty fucking pissed off at the dumb ass who thought a bat might taste good and the people selling said bats.

Now I have all this time to do the things I wanted and I just can't do them.