71

It still feels like it should be March.   Like we just got off that plane and back into our non-vacation mode and starting it up again.   School.   Work.   Sports.   I should totally be getting out the all the Noah's Ark stuff for that theme we were having the week back.  I didn't go to work that last Friday, took it off so I could prepare for our trip.  I didn't even say a real good-bye to my students.  I wonder if they even remember me.  

Speaking of work.....I love my new boss.   I don't know if ya'll remember when I posted how crappy things got at my last place of preschool employment.   I swore I would never teach in a church setting again, yet, I sure did.   My new boss approached me to just do a one day a week summer class (last summer) and I though, well one day isn't so bad.   She begged me to do the fall and I refused but I did substitute.    A lot.   When that teacher finallly did quit in October I took it so the kids could have stability.   I had been there more days than the actual teacher at that point, it just seemed like the right thing to do.  

Anyway, my new boss.....she is very nice.   She loves what she does and she is fair and kind.   She has come to my house and social distanced in my driveway three times and always brings me some kind of alcohol.   She is taking over an established preschool and wants me to go with her.   Six weeks ago I agreed to do that.    Today.   Not so much.   She just doesn't know yet.  

I HATE THIS SHIT!   HATE, HATE, HATE.  

I want to work there in the fall.   I really do.   I just don't think I can.  My sweet neighbor baby was in my class.   

I want to teach her again next year and I could BUT I don't even let that sweet face near me.   I am SCARED of her.   When I didn't pick her up the first time she ran over she ran back home crying.   It broke my heart in two.   I was on the phone with my mother and she was mortified.  "Go hug that child, what could she have?"  But that's just where we all are.....I have no idea what she could have.  Her dad is still teaching crossfit in the garage.   Her brothers don't social distance.   Her mother goes to work where one person was sent home with "it"  As much as I wanted to let her climb into my lap I was just frozen with fear.  

When I talk with my boss  here in the driveway about next fall, it all sounds so good and fun and then I realize I am looking at it with pre-Covid eyes.  When I think about the actual reality, I can't do it.  I want to, but I just can't.   She said to me that last time she was over, "You have to be all in, ready to swoop in and hug those babies, they will need it".    I nodded.   She left.   There is nothing I love better than loving on some babies, BUT, I dont' think I will be able to do it.  I don't know where these kids will be.  I don't know where there parents will go.    These are kids.   Kids are SNOTTY.   And DIRTY.   They lick things and put their hands in their mouths and struggle with covering coughs and sneezes.   I think I would lose my shit the very first day I walked in and saw them all being perfectly normal children.  

So.

Another thing bites the covid dust.  

I have a telehealth appointment with Jacob's psychiatrist this afternoon.   I need to get a handle on what is left of my life.   It's not fair for my children to have to explain to others that their mother cries a lot now.    I'll keep you posted.  

I saw my mom!  She had a glaucoma check on Friday.   It was a shit show.  They told me she would be the only patient in the office at her appointment time and that was a lie.   She sat trapped in the middle of a crowded waiting room with ten other people who waited over two hours to be seen.   She drove an hour and a half (as did I) so she refused to leave.   Plus they had already done all the invasive, possible virus laced, tests.   She is fine, but I pray and pray she didn't get anything from being there.  Some woman came out not long after I took this picture and told us we had to leave.   I told her she could kiss my ass and she would have to call the police to make me leave.   She said she'd call her landlord....whatever.   Hence another reason I probably need some sort of meds.   I typically don't fight and use the f-word with strangers especially in front of my mother.    Can you believe the dumb woman got offended when I ran from her?   People in Texas refuse to social distance, you have to do it yourself.  

 I just want my life back.   I want my kid's life back.   I want those every Sunday dinners with my parents that I completely took for granted back.  I want to HUG people again.