Oh Look, A Holiday....

 Oh how I need a day off.   It's 10:30 and I still haven't done a thing.   I haven't decided if I feel good or bad about this.  

He's my spirit animal.    He's happy I didn't leave today.   Yet.  

How is it I have to clean more than I did when they were little?  My goodness, I spent all weekend making this place spotless and woke up this morning to such a mess.   I sometimes think my husband makes it just to have something to complain about.   I am just grateful he still went to work during the shutdown.  

Anyway, I developed a little, bitty E-bay habit during that time.   I have some cool stuff now and a beautiful new cheap wardrobe, but it caused him to develop a great big bad attitude because, really, Je-sus wants the women to submit to their husband so how dare you?  To keep the peace I've been paying the charge bills since this summer (which also happen to have the groceries he eats, the clothes his kids wear, the car repairs, you know).   As of yesterday I am completely broke of the money I saved since I started working again in 2010.  It's sad that in twelve years of teaching I only saved $28,433.  So yes, blew through it all and not all of that was E-bay related.  

ADD Moment:   I applied to teach in Florida recently, thought maybe I'd do summer school there.   Um, they pay $25,000 a year with a Masters.   You don't get to complain about school closures and mask mandates and your kid's lazy teacher while that is still going on.  

So as I was seeing that 0 balance in something I was hoping would help me get away from years of negativity retire, wondering what would happen if I or the kids actually needed something my chakras aligned with a thought:   What WILL happen if I don't charge anything else this year.   Yes.  Year.   I am working three jobs and get paid pretty little BUT I can use this time to save.   It was kinda nice not going into the supermarket during "it".  Ditto, Target.  

Don't get me wrong, I love Target.  And Dollar Tree.   And goodness gracious that Marshalls!   But they are bad news for me.  Let's not mention Amazon.   Ebay?   I think I'll miss you most of all. 

So.   

This is something new I am going to try.   I doubt it'll cure the negativity, but at least I'll be able to replenish a small savings just in case. 

I don't think I'll discuss that here.   This began for the kids and I want to mostly keep it that way.   If you wonder that will be here:   

 For Richer, For Poorer

I'm the latter now, the husband is the former.  

Ez

 

Today is my sweet Schmoo-Schmoo Ezra's birthday.    

This picture was taken on his last birthday.   2012.   I can't believe it's been ten years without him.   

I swear  he hung on so long because of those kids, things were better when he was here.   Jacob didn't handle his death well and, really, neither did Derick.   He cried more that day than he did when his mother passed five months later.   

He was a pretty fantastic dog, just saying. 

Anyway, my kids are either grown (Jacob) or about to be (Adam) or old enough to decide her childhood was absolutely horrible (guess who?).    On a long road trip a few weeks ago they started reminiscing about Max and Ruby and Schlitterbahn and how none of them eat waffles with syrup because I never allowed it when the discussion took a turn.   According to their memories their dad stopped liking them in  2013.   Right around the time the dog and the mom died.   Hmmmm.....I never really noticed it but they may have a point.  I know he loves his kids but it was around then that he started to check out.   I mean, who could blame him?   But now, what do I do with this information about the feelings they have been harboring?  What could I have been doing for them then instead of obliviously going on with life?   

So.   

Ten years.   Eventually I'll have more about that time.  No one has been abused or scarred but now I can look back and see where I didn't always make the best choices for us.   The past is the past and I won't dwell on it, but it effected them.   More than I thought.  

Happy Valentines Day......

 Ah, life.  It gets in the way of so much doesn't it?  

I can't believe I ever had the time to do this everyday.   With three kids under 5 at that.   Yay sad, anxiety-ridden, friendless me!

It's Valentines Day.   We don't really celebrate it now that the kids are way too old for class parties and a pack of Skittles doesn't do it for them anymore.   I can't say that I miss it.   I HATED those damn boxes and the sticky candy found in the bedroom carpet months later.  I've been married, what?  22 years now and have NEVER gotten a Valentines gift because it's "just an excuse for stores to make money".   Does that upset me?  I don't really know anymore.  It just is what it is.  

Let's just put it all out there, shall we?  

It's 2022.   I started this in 2005.   If anyone new wants to read back around, eh, 2009?  I may have complained about my husband a little.  Did I blog in 2013?  If so, I probably complained a lot.    It was somewhere in those years that I realized my husband didn't really like me too much.   The rolled eyes, the disrespect, the heavy sighs at everything I said....it was heartbreaking and sad and I was just stuck as to what to do.   I used to say I would never tolerate a bad situation, but that is exactly what I did.  I had a mentally ill middle schooler, a middle child who was pretty much raising himself, and a baby who thought she should be the center of everyone's world.  Not to mention the low-paying full-time part-time job I took just to grasp for a little respect from the husband who stopped respecting me the minute I gave birth and lost my job.  Oh, I forget, my job was just a hobby.    Yes.  That was when I knew it wouldn't last.  

Anyway, there I was stuck in a loveless marriage with so many kids with so many issues I couldn't even begin to sort.  At one point he told me he wanted to leave and be happy by himself and I actually begged him to stay because I couldn't imagine working full time and probably then some to just barely get by on a shitty teacher salary and still be able to be there for my kids, most specifically, Jacob.  He was not in a good way during those years.  So.   I did what I thought was best for them and lost all respect for myself by not only slamming the door on his ass on the way out, I asked him to stick it out as well.   

Thats when I went numb.  Oh, I loved my kids, loved teaching, adored my friends and our time together, but being home was weird.  It was like the kids and me and the guy that lived with us.  

It still is.  

You see, Jacob may be an adult and for the most part out of the house, but I have two more bringing up the  rear.  Three more semesters for Adam, a lot for Elizabeth.   

It's been years and we have made it comfortable and I have to be honest and say sometimes fun, but that lovelessness is still there no matter what is said and where I thought I could do it until I died so my kids could have an intact family until we died, I am unsure now.  

I am hoping to bring the blog back.  Where it used to be, oh-my-word THESE KIDS!  SO HARD!  SO TIRED!, maybe some young (yep, old now....senior discount at the Good Will!) mom will find herself in a similar spot and google and find this and just know....someone gets you and where you are.  

There is so much more I haven't told ya'll in so very long.  I miss the online support, probably could have used it much way back when.  Is that a thing anymore?   

Bear with me, I am sure it will be a slow start.   I am working three jobs with one day off and teenagers have so much to do......If you feel love today embrace it!  Don't feel sorry for me, I am happy today.  Really.  

I mean, how could I not be?

Seriously though?  Can you believe them?  Where did the time go?