The Mommy Wars

I read an article in a magazine last night entitled "The Mommy Wars". It was the debate between groups of working moms and stay at home moms and basically each group feeling badly about their choice around members of the other group. I found it kind of interesting, but I have never encountered this myself. My sister and my best friends are all working moms and I have never thought twice about their situation as I am sure they don't about mine. They think I work way too hard and I think the same about them. I wouldn't want to be in their shoes only because I know I couldn't do it. I stay home because it is what works for our family, I figure it is their family they can do what they want with it and for each of them it works just fine for them. Where I have encountered a "mommy war" is between stay at home moms. It started from the beginning when I was pregnant: was I having the epidural or not? Home birth or hospital? circumcision or no? Each person I came across had an opinion about what was best and they are entitled to it, but I didn't like being made to feel like a second class mom because of the doctor I saw or because I drank half a coke with my lunch. It got lots more fun when Jacob was born. We were in this new town, all my friends and family were back in WV, and I was alone daily with a newborn, pretty scary. I craved adult interaction so I went looking for mom friends. Jacob and I did a play gym twice a week and he had tons of fun. I found it very much like walking into high school again. Divide up into groups...breastfeeders here, formula feeders here...cosleepers here, crying outers here. It was odd. I never did quite fit in there, never made the mom I friend I was dreaming about...in all that time the only "friends" I made were a little girl's grandma and a stay home dad.

Having never had a child before I devoured information and advice like a sponge. I wanted to do everything I could to raise a wonderful child. I met women who made me feel inferior because I wasn't up at 5 am cooking a huge breakfast for my husband or ironing our sheets twice a week. SO, the only logical thing a half depressed new mom can do in these situations is make up for her shortcomings and do it all....oh yes, I crafted, I cooked three course meals from scratch nightly, I took my son to every little class/activity we could find and boy my house was clean! Still, there was always something I was doing that raised eyebrows in the few people I met and it just made me feel bad. I still kept looking for that mom connection and didnt' make it with anyone...although I tried, I invited women/kids over for playdates, lunches, zoo and was always met with an excuse. Really hurt the old ego, but I have learned a lot in the past five years, mostly that the whole mom thing is just an extension of the girl cliques oh so common in junior high/high school. What I have found in my little portion of the world is this:

1. the girl clique In my neighborhood we actually have an all girl play group. I don't know if that is done purely for my benefit since I am the only one with boys or if they honestly think that girls should only play with one another, but I found this extremely strange and rude. I also find that women with girls tend to feel sorry for me when they see I have boys and ALWAYS ask if I am going to try for a girl and this bothers me.

2. the rich clique Obviously I don't fit in here nor will I ever and from what I see when I drop Jacob off at preschool is that I don't think I ever would want to...thats not to say that if you are rich you aren't a nice person, just the ones I have encountered here tend to look down on me in my Target clothes and cheap vehicle and I didn't meet any rich people in WV, sad but true.

3. the crafty clique Now, I could probably belong to this if I wanted to, I like to scrapbook and I even used to make a card now and then before I had 2 kids, but I guess I just didn't like it enough because I didnt' quite gel with this group, although I tried for over a year.

4. the gym goers HAHAHA....no I don't exercise

5. The neighborhood I guess this all depends on where you are, but I find my neighborhood extremely weird. I come from WV, we sit out on our front porches in the summer and chat across the street and next door and watch each other's kids and share a beer now and then and worry when we haven't seen someone in a while. We have been here over 6 years and I couldn't begin to tell you half the people's names on this street. Not for lack of trying. The neighbors just don't seem to want to know us and I have finally decided that this is ok. I will have to elaborate on the neighborhood another time.


Well, once I had Adam I didn't have the time to do all these things and just let it go and became the mom I should have been from the beginnning....I do my own thing and I don't let anyone make me feel badly about it. I sleep with my baby, I still breastfeed, but I formula fed Jacob and I don't feel bad about that in the least. I will hold my baby all day if he wants and I let toys clutter my house because I know one day I will miss them. I sometimes feed my big boy happy meals and my baby has had a girl scout cookie. I am happy with my life and how we live it and finally found a group of moms who feel about the same way I do, having support helps so much. I hope the "mommy wars" with both groups and within each group can die out. I think every mom just does what they have to do to raise their own kids and that is the way it should be.