Monday, February 07, 2011



It really is my favorite day of the week. My day off, the husband takes the kids to school, and I don't usually have any errands to run aside from fetching the school boys at noon and three. I am currently watching some strange new show on Nick Jr. with Elizabeth in our pajamas. Did I mention we slept until 10? Love me some Monday.

I am also so very relieved Sunday is over for another week. The husband came home from church and locked himself into his study until 5:30 when he went next door to be wonderful to the neighbors at their annual Super Bowl party. He even gave them my great-grandmother's serving bowl because he's so nice to others like that. Can we say passive-aggressive?

Jana hit the nail on the head when she suggested he's just a little pissed off every Sunday because he is not a part of the perfect family. It's sad, really, because in comparison to many, we have a pretty decent life. Our kids are extremely healthy, we live in a nice home in an even nicer neighborhood, and we can barely afford to send our kids to the school of our choice. We eat and have heat and have the choice of hundreds of television channels. That, of course, is never enough. What's that they say? Money can't buy happiness? I am not saying we are rich, far from it, but we don't struggle to put meals on the table. Oh, I had to go back to work to afford our health insurance, but damn, at least we have some huh? That's a whole other can of worms which does, to some extent, contribute to some of our problems, but I'll get to that another time.

Anyway, my husband would love to have the perfect life. I think it's something he's wanted all his life because goodness knows his childhood life was not even close. His mother is mentally ill. It won't matter how many medications she takes or even if she takes them religiously, she will always have problems. She will never be able to hold a job, drive a car, or make a complex decision. She hasn't been able to do that since Derick was a toddler. She's different. And weird. And it's very noticable. His dad has different issues that I have sworn never to divulge in this blog. We don't even talk about it, it's that distressing to him. I am sure it was all pretty embarrassing to the teenage husband. I'm thinking this is when his imaginary perfect life began.

So many people we meet tell me how great my husband is, because, well, to them he is. He's helpful to the neighbors, he can carry a great conversation, he plays with children, and he really would offer them the shirt off his back. Or, even my great-grandmother's serving bowl. I just smile and nod and resist the urge to tell them, yeah, he CAN be a super guy. We'd LOVE to see more of that ourselves but I think by the time he gets home and done putting on his perfection front, it's too exhausting to keep it up. Just a guess.

Today is Monday. My husband left a cup of coffee for me and made sure the boys were quiet enough so that the girl and I could sleep in. I saw him for just a bit and he told me to have a good day. Sunday is over. His demons are gone. Today.

I wonder often if he is in the beginning of his own mental illness. Maybe he's struggling with is own inner demons. Maybe he works too much. Maybe he wasn't taught how to be real with people, I mean who was there to teach him? Maybe he's just an ass.

Hopefully 2011 will bring us both some answers.


Sadie said...

I am glad that today has been better.

You know, as much as there may legitimate reasons for WHY he's a jerk, it doesn't make it ok. You shouldn't have to pay for it. I hope that 2011 does bring you both some answers...

And go knock on your neighbor's door and get that serving bowl back! ;)

Jana said...

I'm glad today was better!

But he still needs some counseling or at the very least, a good come to Jesus talkin' to.

And I'm with Sadie - go get your bowl back!

Jana said...

Also, I just consulted with my husband to get a guy's point of view on this and he said, "Dude - what is up with that guy?!?" and that this would be a great link to have him read:

He said to click on the link at the bottom that says "Prayers for Husbands".

Big hugs.

Miss Hope said...

If you don't go get your bowl back? I may have to go there and get it my self.

I can't even address the other issues because you know how I feel.

Nurse Philosopher said...

Your husband is verbally abusive. He has anger issues. He is not taking responsibility for his own issues. This will get worse over time, not better.

The time to stop the action was yesterday when he began to shout and run around the house, trashing you in front of the kids. Then he trashed your daughter. This is NOT a little deal; it's a BIG deal and damaging to children, especially to kids too young to figure it out. As long as he refuses to take responsibility, one of you is always going to be the scapegoat for his problem, whatever it is. (I find it nice that he's predictable; mine just went off whenever he felt like it; we never knew what to expect.)

I've been lurking here for awhile, and I am so sorry for your troubles. First, I recommend the works of Patricia Evans, esp her book, "Controlling People." Second, I am here to tell you to stop looking for the reason for his behavior. It's his inner demons. Stop looking for Ways to Be or Things to Do to please him or lessen his issues. If you only knew how little of this is about you, you'd be appalled.

I learned that Evans is right; there was no Way to Be and noThing I could Do to change his behavior. The choice was up to him, who is now my ex. In the end his anger turned to violence, first against our daughter and then against me. That's when I got out. He was never able to overcome his demons & do better than in the past. He still has anger issues and goes off on our (now grown) kids today.

I wish you blessings for the journey. One day you will be in a better place.


Sadie said...

Ooh, Nurse Philosopher. Excellent point.

That's what I was trying to say and she said it so much better. It's not your fault, it's not something you can fix, and even if there's all the legitimate reason in the world he's screwed up, it doesn't make it ok.