Happy New Year!

2019....

I swear I am still in 1989.   That was a pretty good year.    Let's Go Mountaineers!   How I miss Morgantown and all that came with it back in those days.   I should have enjoyed it more than I probably did at the time.    I would give anything to have one more day......

Anyway.

18 Christmases.....

I remember rocking that hippie-looking baby and watching the neighbor children walk to the bus and thinking it would be FOREVER before he graduated high school.   2019?   Would we even be here?

Here it is.   It is very surreal.  

I couldn't really see past the 9/11 coverage on the television then, it never felt like this would come.

I struggle daily because I feel like I have not appreciated it as much as I should have.     I imagined it all so differently; would I have liked it more if it had been that way?   I thought being a mom was the easiest job in the world......in 1999.      Lord have mercy, this is a HARD gig.     It NEVER ends.   You don't go home and put it out of your mind.    EVER.   Ask my mom, she knows this well.    Since being a stay-at-home mom for a few months now I can honestly say I am working more now than when I was "working".   I don't know how that is, but it is.    I am tired.

I want to go back and do it again with all of this knowledge and all of these feelings I currently possess......I want to bask in joy every.  single.  hour of their fleeting childhoods.     Mom guilt.   I am owning it big time.

I cannot believe I have a child approaching graduation.   And *fingers crossed* college.

2019.....I want this to be the year we bring joy back.   I want to appreciate my children for WHO they are instead of WHAT they could be.    I want it to slow down because I am not ready to walk this path with the other two.  

Adam starts high school in the fall.    This is currently hurting my heart in a way I never felt with Jacob.   Because:

yesterday.

Is this life?   Always wanting what was?   2006?  1994?   1989?  1976?    I want to want this day right here, right now.    I am sure going to try.  

Happy 2019 ya'll.  

Love your now.

90 Days

My oldest child will be 18 years old in 90 days.

If you are reading and you were here when we started, he was four then.   Doesn't life go by so fast?

There are many reasons I have been sporadic these past 8-9 years.   I got a job and that took away much of my free time.    Mommy blogging seemed to have slowed down at that time as well; I do miss it.   I also didn't have much good to write about.    That doesn't mean we haven't had some, but family life has been somewhat of a struggle and it just didn't feel right to throw it all out there.   I was living a lot of a fake life for my Facebook "friends" and even my real friends, still am a lot of the time.   I never thought we would be here, I don't really know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this.

Let me first preface it all by saying I totally get that so many more people have it way worse than we do.   I am grateful I am not walking my children across a continent for a better life and I am blessed that none of them have perished in a terrible accident.    My husband can be a bit of a ding-dong but he's still here and provides us a very good life.   We eat well (twenty extra pounds to prove it) and we are comfortable in our beds at night where I know there are so many who are not.    I do have a lot to be thankful for.

So....

As most of you know, Jacob has severe ADHD, auditory processing disorder, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, and possibly Asperger's.    I made a bad mistake early on by putting him in a private Christian school thinking these kids would be more accepting of him and, boy, I was very wrong.   We moved him to public school in middle school and things were so much better but it wasn't until tenth grade that he started to make friends.   I really thought this would be the beginning of a big turnaround for him, we were so hopeful for his future and we LOVED these kids.

Anyway, before this time, however, Jacob spent almost an entire summer at a psychiatric day facility after holding a knife on his brother for reasons that still aren't clear to this day.    The other two kids recall this time as "the worst summer ever" because it was JUST far enough away to be too far to come home while he was there and they were too young to be left home alone.

Meds were changed, puberty happened and things got "liveable" but Jacob made it very clear every minute of every day that he did not like us, he did not respect us, he hated his siblings, and he did not feel he should follow any direction that was given.   He failed classes on purpose: "If you don't buy XXX for me then I won't do any of my school work" and he would pick fights with the other kids over the stupidest things.    He threw such a fit at his long time therapist's office a couple years ago that the police were called.   We haven't seen her since.  

But these friends, if there was the thought he might be able to hang out with them for a weekend he would hold it together for a few days (because that was the deal) and we were so happy he had "people".   Everyone needs people.    There are about eight boys and they all seem to be a little awkward as is Jacob and it seemed to work.    They would come here; Jacob would go there.   Things were looking up.    He still hated all of us, but at least he could make relationships with others.

So Elizabeth lost her DS in May and previously when this has happened,  Jacob has it.   Oh yes, he steals things from us for no real reason other than maybe to gaslight us and laugh while he watches us hunt for it.   I still can't find Adam's track pictures that were on my desk, but that's for another day.  Anyway, he goes out "for a walk" and she asked if she could look in his backpack for it.   Hooray!   that's exactly where it was, but also in there were eight empty beer cans and some empty and full tiny liquor bottles.   What?

Well, I thought we handled it pretty well.   I mean, we've been teenagers before so we sat him down and asked how long he'd been carrying these around (since March) and explained to him that if he had gotten caught in school with that he would have been going to prison.   (Texas law says felony convictions start at 17).   We wanted to know where, when, why and, although he made up a load of lies at first, we eventually found out my parents allowed him to have all of those boys spend the night one night with them when we had forbidden it over here because of his grades.    My dad woke up in the middle of the night (light sleeper) and found them stealing all of his 50 year old airplane liquor bottles plus the rest of his stash.   My dad "made a deal" with Jacob that he wouldn't say anything to us if he swore never to do it again.

LOLOLOLOL.

Sure, whatever.    That didn't happen.   What did happen is that caused a small rift between my parents and us because, hello?  he takes a narcotic medication, we should have been told.

So he spends a good bit of the summer up at their lake house like he has done forever.   I came up with the kids one week when he stayed here at home (because he hates me and the kids and refused to be around while we were there) and one night I tried to open a bathroom drawer and it was jammed.   Imagine my surprise when I finally dug it free only to find empty gallon bottles of scotch, gin, vodka, and rum.   My dad keeps that stuff around in case he has company.    They never even knew it was missing.   They live in the woods.   Twenty minutes away from the nearest neighbor.    Was he drinking it all in there alone or did he stash it in something else and bring it home to his friends?  We will never know because he felt his privacy was violated by finding that in his grandparent's bathroom and refused to discuss it.

I wish I could say that was the end of it but it was not.   We find more from time to time and now his story is: "Well, Grandpa said you did the same thing and that's what kids do, so you have no right to get upset about it because he didn't get upset at you." and just to make it more festive a nice and loud "Fuck You!".

For the record,  I drank a little beer out with friends as a teenager.   I never stole, I never drank liquor, and I never hid anything in their house.    My dad is apparently still holding a grudge about it because when this shit went down AGAIN in October he got super ugly about my life in the 80s and how we are not handling this well AT ALL and maybe we need some parenting classes and..........all kinds of other shit that just showed he has gone over to the dark side and at that point I left the house to save my sanity and he still refuses to speak to me.  

Whatever.

I will post another time about the reason Jacob has been forced by his school counselor to see a different counselor who believes he is a narcissist.    Narcissists manipulate others to feel they are wonderful and anyone in their way is completely wrong.    I am currently in the middle of this with him.    I am his target.    He has turned my dad against me and is very close to doing the same with my mother.     It breaks my heart every day because they aren't getting any younger and I am losing this time.

Anyway.

Derick went camping the first weekend in November.    Jacob was still grounded from the incident that happened in the previous paragraph.    He had some sort of theatre performance at an elementary school carnival and he begged and begged to be allowed to go eat out after with "the crew" and then go see a movie and spend the night with someone.    I said no.   He drove me absolutely bonkers for four hours texting and calling.   I told him no.   He did not come home.    I called my mother to see if he was there and she said he told her that I said it was okay so they had driven to her house and picked up clothes and stuff and left from there.   My mom said it would be okay.   He is a senior in high school and should be out having fun with his friends.

Oh yes.   It was so much fun to get a phone call at 12:30 a.m. requesting I come to pick him up and please bring your ID because the policeman won't let me leave without it.

PISSED.   PISSED I tell you.   If you read earlier you know my husband snores.   It was ONE night I could sleep all the way through and, you know, my kid's in police custody.

So he's one town over and when I show up I ask the cop why was I there and he lets me know he and his "crew" broke into an empty house and were having a ball smoking weed and drinking.   I told the cop to arrest him and he laughed at me.    Breaking and entering, illicit substance, intent to sell (there was that much) near a school, underage drinking, and he refused to arrest him?   Okay, whatever.   I told him he's probably see him again then because he ratcheted it up a notch and would continue to do so.

And yes, he continues to do so.   Derick went through his room last Sunday on one of his "walks" and found more weed.    He was livid we went through the things that belong to US and swore he wasn't smoking anymore, he knew better, he was "holding it for a friend", drug test me if you don't believe me!   Which is exactly what we did.   The instructions said it would turn red within three minutes if he had smoked within 1-5 days.   That cup lit up like Rudolph within ten seconds.     He also found a lot of money in his desk.   More money than a kid without a job should have.   While all this time we've been thinking one of the friends was supplying it, now we are wondering if Jacob is supplying it.

He went for another neighorhood "walk" on Saturday and Derick found him a mile down the street walking out of Shell Station (they sell vapes and juuls there).   When he caught up with him at the end of our street and asked him to empty is pockets he chose to jump in the very filthy and cold creek instead.   He took off down the creek  (he can't swim and hates water, sensory thing).   We didn't see or  hear from him until yesterday.    My mother was so upset that he was out there cold and wet but we knew he wanted to spend the night with his friends, he had asked all week.  Sure enough, that was where he went.   I do wonder what the story was when he showed up sopping wet from head to toe.   I am sure it is our fault some way, I have ceased caring what these other parents thing of me ( and they don't think much of me, he has told them all kinds of lies).

I got Texans tickets for my birthday and yesterday was the game.   He knew this.   Derick changed the lock codes on all doors so he could not get in.   Of course he went to my parents.   They were on the way back their lake house (they come here weekends) but he got there just in time to talk them into letting him stay there.   My dad continued home, my mom stayed with him.   Exactly what he wanted.   She feeds him, washes his clothes, requires nothing of him.  We tried to got talk to him last night and he locked himself in the bathroom running all of the hot water down the drain (wasnt' bathing, he doesnt' do that).    My mother was shaking and sick and stressed and wanted him to come home with us.   Our only option to getting him out of that room was the police and she wouldnt' agree to that so that is where he is at.   I assume she drove him to school today, but who knows.    He told us last week that his plan for next year (IF he graduates) is to just kick his grandparents out of that house and live there with his friends.    College isn't for him.    The military is ridiculous.     He's too immature to get a job (what he hears from my parents).     Well, he is well on his way.   I worry what he will do to her.   She swears he loves her so much but after living with him all these years I do know it's not really possible.   He loves himself and that's pretty much it.

We have tried so hard to push him in the right direction.     Some people just don't take to direction.    His therapist said a couple days on the street might make him realize where his life is headed but my mother will never allow that to happen.   She wants to go home but she won't let us deal with it.   I had to walk out when she asked why we didn't deal with this sooner.     Another one crossed over.

All we have done is deal with him.     All of his life.   Day after day after day...........

90 days until adulthood.

But it's never really over is it?

Halloween

 Some throwback Halloween for this Halloween Day.

I actually hate Halloween.  

I just don't even understand the concept of every other day of the year we don't take candy from anyone but today, go ahead and go to a stranger's house and ask for some.  

I liked seeing my kids in their costumes but I hate wasting so much money on them when we need to pay a mortgage and buy groceries.    Ditto with the candy.   I like children, really I do, I am a teacher for goodness sake, but candy is expensive and to have enough for our neighbors PLUS the rest of our 20,000+ town that trucks in because we have a gate and they think that equals rich and better candy, we eat leftovers and beans for a couple of weeks.  

I don't have a problem giving to teenagers if they are in a halfway decent costume (I don't want to see a fifteen year old girl's boobs, butt, and abs) but if you drive here in your convertible and get out with your five o'clock shadow in the clothes you wore to school, nope.   If you can buy gas money, you can buy candy.

The same goes for the parents with the still red baby that just exited the womb with no other children holding out a Target plastic bag and telling me trick-or-treat.   No way.   Come back next year.

They are calling for rain, like hail and wind and possible tornadoes this evening and our town FB page is LOSING.  THEIR.  MIND.   Some man just actually posted that he was taking his kids out even if it floods (which it now tends to do a lot now that our sewer system is clogged with Harvey waste) and we BETTER be out there handing out the GOOD CANDY or he was going to vandalize our homes.   I thought he was joking but I read through the comments, he seems pretty serious.  

Alrighty then.

Adam's football team is playing for the district championship tonight.    There were parents who actually wanted to forfeit because they didn't want their TEENAGERS to miss trick-or-treat.   WTH? This is actually a big middle school deal because we missed most of last season due to the hurricane and before that they were a losing team.   They are undefeated and first in the district.   Trick-or-treat  trumps that?  

People are freaking crazy.

Bring on Christmas.  

PCB

So we bought a time share last year.   

In Panama City Beach.    

Of course we did.  

It has been our family vacation spot for the past five years.   We LOVE it there.   

Praying and hoping for a good outcome after Hurricane Michael goes through today.

I mean, seriously?   Can we get away from this shit?   Harvey and now Michael?   

Please don't take away my happy place.   

Counting Loud Sheep

I haven't slept in almost five years.

My husband snores.  

Yes, I have ear plugs.    Still hear it.   I run the industrial garage fan on high.    Doesn't come close.   I bought that adjustable Sleep Number bed the commercials show that stops it with the push of a button.    LOLOLOLOL.  

I spent some time a couple years ago taking Nyquil every night that would get me a few hours but then I would wake up with a bad sinus headache so then I would take aspirin every morning to cure that.   I had to stop that when I developed a stomach ulcer from it.  

He won't use the snoring strips and those didn't help much anyway.  

He had the sinus surgery.   That made it worse.  

He spent $500 for a sleep study just to confirm that, yes, he snores.  

He spent another $1500 for some sort of mouth device from the dentist guaranteed to rid him of snoring forever.   That was three months ago and we don't have a clue if or when he will ever see that thing.   Can you say scam???

I see on the news where women kill their husbands and my first thought:   He must have snored.

I want mad props that he is still alive and breathing.   Every night I think about putting that pillow over his face and just pressing it a little bit too hard.    Lack of sleep makes your mind kind of crazy.

I go to bed by 9:00 most nights.   I sleep until around midnight when he comes to bed and starts his nightly percussive symphony.   I move to the couch but I don't stay there long because I have been out there for so many months it is sagging in the middle and my back starts to hurt.   I move to the recliner but I can never really get comfortable there.   I used to climb into bed with Adam (poor kid is the only one with a full size mattress) but he's older now and it just seems weird.   I have been known to kick him out and send him to the couch.  NOT A LOT.   Lack of sleep makes you less empathetic.  

After all of my attempts at just a little bit of shut-eye fail, I end up watching cheesy cable movies,  Netflix and Amazon Prime, and lots and lots of Antenna TV.   Quantum Leap is on at 2 am central.   You know you miss that show.  

I thought if I quit my job then I could start sleeping during the day, you know, do the housework at night and sleep all day, be on the night shift so to speak.   It's harder than you think to sleep during the day, even if you are seriously sleep deprived.   It's not really working out for me so far.

In this time I have gained thirty pounds, developed a thyroid condition, and now suffer from high blood pressure.    I spent a night in the hospital last November because my blood pressure was so high the school nurse thought I might have a heart attack.    The doctor told me to get more rest.  

Are you kidding?   I wish I could!

About once every three weeks he will sleep on the couch and then WAKE ME UP IN THE MORNING to let me know he slept on the couch FOR ME.  Seriously?   Let me organize the parade because it isn't like I am not OUT THERE EVERY OTHER NIGHT!   I want it known that I have not assaulted him when he always says later the next day,  "I don't understand why you are so grumpy?  You got a whole night's sleep BECAUSE I SLEPT ON THE COUCH FOR YOU."

I love my husband.   He provides well for us and he does the math and science homework with the kids so I don't have to.   BUT.   I look forward to his business trips.   He was supposed to leave Sunday until Thursday and I have been just hanging on this week dreaming of four long nights of slumber next week until he came in tonight and said he wasn't going.   WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU AREN'T GOING?????  

I am just so freaking tired.  

I have seen lots of good shows, though.  

We'll Agree to Disagree

We are into our third week of school today.  

The kids are all doing pretty well.   I was pretty worried about Elizabeth as this is her first year attending public school and also the beginning of middle school.    Last year she sat in three classrooms right next to each other all year and this year she has a locker, changes seven classes, and PE.

Yep.   PE.

Elizabeth likes everything about her new school EXCEPT PE.  

This summer she was really looking forward to it.   She'd learn volleyball!   They might do gymnastics!   It will be an easy A!

She HATES it now.   I tried to prepare her but she really had no way of knowing until she got there.

She goes to PE and then goes straight to lunch.   I get a text or a Facetime at the beginning of every lunch to let me know just how much she hated DRESSING FOR PE.  

I remember dressing for PE in middle school as well and hating it just as much as she did.  

WHY? in this day and age of #metoo and personal space is this still a thing?  

Yeah, yeah, I get that they are starting to stink and stuff but really?    WHY?

I am going to go even further and say WHY is PE a required class in middle school/high school?   I know many do not agree with me and I am not saying children should not be physically active, but as a parent of a child who gets plenty of exercise, is at an ideal body weight, and eats healthy foods WHY should she be required to strip down to her underwear in front of sixty other girls so she can do some jumping jacks and run some laps around the gym?  

She will have four more years of required PE class.   That is four credits she could be taking academically and actually learning something that might actually help her later on in life.   WHY do we not get that option?  

Last Thursday she was teary because a girl took her picture as she was undressed and told her she was posting it to Snapchat.   She told the "coach" and was made to run some more for tattling.  On Friday she moved around a row of lockers and was yelled at by the PE "teacher" that everyone dresses by the benches in front of everyone else.   WHY?    I am sure she isn't the only one getting this treatment and hating PE.  

I hated PE as a child for this very reason.    I was involved in basketball and track and enjoyed it UNTIL I got to middle school PE.   The dressing and the shaming and the just un-fun of it made me hate any type of physical activity to this day.    I hate it again because it is doing the same thing to my daughter.  

PE needs to be fun not hurtful.   If a kid doesn't want to do it, don't make them do it.  Let them wear their own clothes if they want.   Shit, they go outside at lunch and goof around and get just as sweaty and stinky.  

I am usually that parent who follows the rules and explains to their children why we these rules are in place but I am not really understanding the importance of this particular rule and I am wondering how many people I piss off this year trying to get it.   If my child is disrespecting you or hurting others in any way you can bet I will be all over that and I will support you wholeheartedly but if she wants to have a little modesty as she strips naked, I have to side with her and question your motives.

I am the nicest person you have ever met until you screw with my child.  

Middle School.   It's a wonder we all get through it with our sanity.   Or do we?

Back to School

First Day of School 2018

Elizabeth - 6th grade

Adam - 8th grade

Seriously.   I have no idea where the time went.  

My children went back to school.   I did not.

I went back to work in 2010 when Adam was starting kindergarten and Elizabeth came to preschool with me.  Before that I stayed home and took care of them all day.   Now that I am home again it feels like time shouldn't have gone on and they should be five and three again.   I can't explain it.   Like life paused while I was working but, of course, we know it didn't.  

I really loved teaching preschool.   It was the one place I felt instant gratification that I was good at something.   Here at home everything is Momma's fault.   You can't find your shoes?  Momma put them somewhere.   You didn't do your homework?   Momma didn't give you enough time.   Your life is the absolute worst ever?   Momma.   Always Momma.    I don't always feel like a good mom but I always knew I was a great teacher.   For that, I really miss it.  

BUT.

I don't really miss it.  

I have so much more time now.    Our mornings are so much less stressful than they have been the past eight years since I am not on a deadline to get out the door.   I cook a meal every evening and doing  homework doesn't make me want to shoot my eye out.   My house is clean.   I enjoy my children more because I am not doing lesson plans and organizing crafts or just bone tired from spending the day with someone else's children.  

My hope is that I can be the mom my children need right NOW in their lives.   I feel like I haven't been there like I should have these past few years.   Time to focus on my own kids for a change.  

Wish us luck.  

Hurricane Harvey

August 27, 2017

Hurricane Harvey

54 inches of rain in 3 days

So it's been one year since Hurricane Harvey.   We were VERY lucky to only get water in our garage (lost all of my preschool stuff, books I had already read, and most of our shoes).     There are 180 homes in our neighborhood and we were one house out of only five that did not flood inside the home.    Many of our neighbors are still rebuilding and some evacuated out and never came back.   We went through some uncomfortable weeks where people were very ugly to us because they were dealing with such catastrophe while we could sleep in our own beds and cook meals in our kitchen.      My parents built a weekend house a few miles away so the kids and I stayed there for some time.    It seemed safer.   We mucked out houses, provided meals,  washed laundry, and gave rides all over until new cars were purchased.   We were tired but thankful we had a clean and dry home to sleep.

This picture was taken around 2 pm Sunday.   The rain stopped around 9 am Wednesday.   Our good neighbors a few houses the other way were dry until 4 am that morning.   If it had just stopped raining sooner.    Our garage took water around 5 and came RIGHT TO THE FRONT DOOR at 9.   If it had rained another 15 minutes?  

I used to love to sleep during a good storm.

No one here can even watch rain anymore.   Everyone has PTSD.  

We were lucky though.  

No more hurricanes please.

Last First Day

The last time I posted a picture I had a digital camera that I had to plug into the computer to upload.   That camera broke at least three years ago and I have never gotten a new one.   My phone takes my pictures now and I still can't figure out the dang cloud and how and why and when my pictures will make it to my files.   

I can't find the pictures of Elizabeth and Adam.  

I did find this picture of Jacob.   

17 and almost a half years old

First day of 12th grade

Yep.   Senior year.  
I am not understanding the shirt and it aggravates me that he will NOT cut his hair.  

Do not ask me what his future plans are because if there are some he isn't sharing.   He has rebuked all of our attempts to nudge him towards college, the military, a job.   He wants to take "a gap year" but his idea of a gap year is sitting in the recliner watching The Office and not showering.  

Why yes.   I drink.

I have no idea what this next year is going to bring for him (or us).    

Parenting is not for the weak.  

I will keep looking for the other pictures.

Is Anybody Out There?

So now are you singing Pink Floyd?

Well?   Is anybody out there anymore?  

I sure miss blogging.   When I started Jacob wasn't even in preschool yet.     He will graduate in nine months.   From high school.   Really!

Adam is in 8th grade and Elizabeth will be starting middle school (6th) next week.   It doesn't seem possible but then at the same time it does seem possible.   What is that they say?   The days are so long but the years are short?   Something like that.

I taught preschool the past eight years and loved it (mostly).   I quit in May and will be a stay at home mom again until next school year when I hope to go back.   Hopefully this newfound free time will help me be able to blog more.  

Raising three kids to adulthood is a hard thing to do.   Who knew?   Maybe I can work through some of our issues here, maybe someone is going through the same things and could use some support?   Isn't that why we all started blogging in the first place?  

Let me know if you are out there?

Happy New Year

So I found this "Positive Energy" tea on a clearance shelf at the supermarket last week.  

It tastes good but I cannot keep my eyes open after drinking it and I don't think it has improved my positivity.  

Of course it's only been three days but, eh.

I have gotten too old to do the resolution thing.   I know I will keep up with it a few days or maybe even weeks, but, really, I am who I am.    Fat, grouchy, and sleepy.    There.

I would like to rev this space up again.   I miss it.   I guess now that I have some tangible friends I don't need it as much, but still, I miss it.   Maybe I can get back in to a weekly groove.   LOLOLOL......I guess that could be considered some "positivity".  

Anyway.

I am still teaching preschool.    The curiosity got the best of me.   I wanted to see how this "new" way would turn out and mostly I just wanted to stay with my friends.    There is something to said about loving your co-workers.   They truly are like a family to me and I just wasn't ready to give that up.  

It's weird now.  

We went from six to sometimes seven teachers with aides to twelve teachers with aides.   Let's just say it's easier for 12-14 women to mesh well than 24.    I feel like I went back to high school some days and thats not just because some of these people just graduated from it.   I am consistently surprised we are in a church because, it no longer seems like a church.   Shouldn't "being kind to others" be a church thing?   Yeah.   I thought so.

The new building is fantastic as new buildings will be, there is that.  

I am at that point again where I need to decide about next year.   Should I stay or should I go now?   *sing it.  you know you want to*

I am feeling the urge to move on.   Keep Elizabeth home for fifth grade.   *GASP.   FIFTH GRADE*.   In my mind this looks all wine and roses.   We will awaken when we are ready with smiles on our faces.   I will make huge breakfasts and we will smile about that too.   We will cheerfully open our school books each day (which I keep organized and out of the way) and my daughter will hang on my every word clamoring for more.   She will thank me profusely after each lesson that she understands instantaneously, and then we will have a healthy lunch and spend the rest of our afternoon enjoying each other's company getting pedicures or taking meaningful walks.   Reality?  I wish future seeing was my super power.   Then I wonder.   Where else will I find another three day a week job with people I love?  If I leave and come back I would then be considered a "new employee" and have to do 36 more training hours on top of the 24 we have to do each year.   I am still five behind this year and I only have do the 24.   That would be, well, pretty damn awful.   I seriously should have a doctorate by now with all the freaking training I have done since 2010.

I love preschool.   I really do.   I love preschool.   I love preschool.

Parents don't love preschool teachers though.   Nothing has changed there.

One of the parents told my assistant when dropping her child off late, again, that she was not buying teachers a Christmas gift because she didn't get a Christmas gift for doing her job and maybe she'd pull some cookies off a plate someone else had given her, put them in a baggie and be done with it.   The sad thing about this exchange was that she was referring to her older kid's teachers.   She thought she was being all funny and cute and didn't even think about US being her preschooler's TEACHERS.   It would have been hysterical if it hadn't been so sad.  

I did not get two degrees in education for the gifts ya'll, but let me just tell you something from the other side:   If you appreciate your child's teacher, say so.   How hard would it have been for this woman to pick up a card from Dollar Tree and scratch Thank You on it?   Apparently very, but I digress.    Your child's teacher is spending her own money on the hot chocolate for the winter unit, the play dough for forming letters, the Christmas/Valentine/Mother's Day/Father's Day gift you received from your child.........fill in the dots, there is so much more.  She comes in on her own time to change the bulletin boards (after spending her own money buying the cute things for the bulletin boards).   She answers your (usually unnecessary, for Christ's sake read the newsletter) emails while her children need help with their homework.    It's a thankless job.   Literally.   If your four year old has a brand new pair of shoes every week and you are driving a car that cost more than her first house but you can't sign a Christmas card, it really does show that you don't care at all about her or think she is doing a good job with your child.   When your teacher feels this, it makes them wonder if they should stay in that job.   Your teacher might even quit because she feels she isn't making a difference.   If your teacher is making a difference to your child, tell them somehow.    Positive feedback is helpful because the paycheck is not.

Part of "new preschool" was that it was to be part of the "elementary school".   In the elementary/middle/high school they have a whole club (very exclusive and snotty, just what you would expect from "christian" school) where they bring food in for the teachers each month, buy them all gifts for their birthdays, leave treats in the teacher lounge.   The ELEMENTARY/MIDDLE/HIGH SCHOOL teachers love it.   Some of my student's parents take part in this.   Do you think they do anything like that for preschool?   Of course not.   I think the message is pretty clear.  

I don't work any less during the time I am at that school than any of those teachers.   In fact, I think I *might* even work a bit more.  Let's see.   They get a planning period.   I do not.   They have time to sit at their desk and send email while their kids do seat work.   I do not.   They have a chair.    I do not.   Go ahead and enjoy your cocktail weenies.   My assistant will help me up off the floor.

Positive energy tea my ass.  

For the record, I kept the beautiful plate her husband forgot with the aforementioned cookies she sent to the party.   She has not asked for it back.   Yet.  

Part 2

Try as I might, I cannot get the lids off the Oil Pulling and Coconut Oil any longer.    I think I might have liked them, but my right hand is so freaking messed up now I could hardly push the vacuum today and couldn't hold the brush to fix my daughter's hair.   I am taking ibuprofen three times a day for the pain which isn't going to help my stomach ulcer, but whatever.    These might be the best coconut oils ever made but I wouldn't know, I can't access them and I refuse to hurt myself any longer to try.

So I have used the Facial Oil, the Body Butter, and, once, the Sugar Scrub.    I leave the lids just sitting on the top of those so I can get to them again ;).   Anyway,  I do really like the Facial Oil and the Body Butter.    They are oils so, obviously, they are oily which is not what I usually go with, but I like the smell and they make my skin soft.    The Sugar Scrub smells really, really good.    One of the suggested uses for it was as an additive to coffee or tea which is what I did,  it was good.   Would I do it again?   Probably not as it was way out of my comfort zone to put something that should be a body scrub into my drink, but it wasn't bad.     If I can keep the lid off it I may try it in the shower.   We'll see.  

Going Coconuts....Part 1

I was approached by skinnyandcompany.com about reviewing some of their all natural coconut oil products.

I received the facial oil, body butter, coconut oil, oil pulling, and sugar scrub.  

They all looked like this thirty minutes after I opened the box.   They don't look like this on the website so I don't know what happened, but what the heck?

I was very excited to try the body butter as I enjoy lotions and creams, but it was a liquid so I was a bit disappointed.  I don't know if it was supposed to be that way as the picture on the website it appears solid, but whatever.

I used the facial oil first.   It is infused with lavender essential oil and has a very nice smell, but I had to wash it off my face because I was so greasy.   It left my skin soft though.

This morning I wanted to try the oil pulling and when I picked the jar up I noticed it had a few solid droplets in it.   I checked the other jars and the facial oil was about half solid and the body butter was solid on top but liquid on the bottom.   I am not an expert on coconut oil or any other types of oil, but I found this a bit odd, but I can roll with it.

The little jars are so damn cute.  

See?

But MY GOLLY they are hard to open.   I tried to use one of those rubber opener helper thingies and it tore in half.   I was committed to trying the dang oil pulling though and eventually succeeded and in the process spilled a good bit on my granite counter.   Those jars have a big mouth, just saying.   I know they are trying to be all environmentally friendly but the neat freak in me would love to see some kind of easier, cleaner container, like I am thinking of putting this in an old ketchup bottle.   

Anyway.......I can't tell that my mouth is that much cleaner after the oil pulling but it made me feel healthy and crunchy and tasted a heck of a lot better than the solid stuff I bought in the grocery store last year when I attempted that once before.   I am going to continue with it and let you know.   

After my shower this morning I was happy to try the body butter now that it had semi-set up.    That was when I realized only the top was solid.   I got another big blob of oil on my granite again when I hit the liquid, but the solid smelled nice and I smeared it on my legs as an after-shave balm.    It wasn't what I was expecting, it was quite oily, but maybe tomorrow it will set up some more and I can get more of a lotion feel from it.   Stay tuned.   

Thank your Teachers

I just got my last paycheck.

For three days I was paid $198.75.    Not too bad huh?   The government took $150 in federal taxes along with $2.86 for Medicare (that I will probably never be able to use) and $12.32 for Social Security (ditto).

Grand total for my last week of work where I worked all day PLUS one whole evening due to the graduation:

$33.55

That's about 85% straight to the government.

WTF?

And they tell me we get a tax break because we work for a church.

The hell.

And I got four end-of-school gifts out of fourteen students.  

I don't teach to get gifts, I actually really, really love it and I am really, really good at it.   My boss even told me I was the best one there, so there's your proof.   But.   How hard would it be to write a sentence telling me thank you on an index card as you're walking out the door?   Teachers do need that because their paycheck isn't giving them the warm fuzzies.

PLEASE remember your teachers on the last day of school.    I know we just had Mother's Day and Teacher Appreciation and Father's Day is coming up and you want to go on vacation this summer, but PLEASE if you had a good teacher let them know you thought so somehow so they stay there.

I am doing one of two things next year:

Quitting

Or

Posting this paycheck stub at the entrance of my classroom just so they see what teachers sacrifice to educate their children.

It's My Blog and I'll Cry if I Want to.......

Ugh.

I swear I must be going through menopause.    If so, at least give me the joy of never buying tampons again.   I guess I just get the crappy part.

I am pissed off this week.   No one knows it because I wouldn't be a good mother, teacher, wife, friend if I let that out, so that's why I keep the blog I guess.

Let me first start by saying:   I LOVE MY JOB!   It deserves all caps.   I really, really do.   It's almost a volunteer position but I love my job.

Teacher Appreciation Week

Who the hell came up with this?

ONE day for Mothers Day and a whole freaking week for teachers?

You would think I would be all over this but NO, I am not.

I spent $164 bucks on Elizabeth's teacher and French teacher and Adam's three teachers PLUS his two band teachers (whole other story, but they totally deserved it).   Never mind that I did absolutely nothing for Jacob's seven high school teachers because by then I was just so hopelessly overwhelmed I could not even remember their names (I will hook them up at the end of the year).    I didn't do much more than a candy bar, a bag of chips, some school supplies and a very low amount gift card in a thank-you card.   $164.   The same week as Mother's Day.  

Dear, Whoever-Came-Up-With-This-And-Makes-The-Rules,  please separate these holidays.   Some of us don't have well paying jobs.   Thank you.

No.  You don't have to do anything for the teachers, but here's the list of what we are doing every day.   Please let your teacher know you appreciate her said the mass emails.   Of course you have to get something.   Who wants to be the only family appearing unappreciative?

My student's families.   I guess they have no problem appearing unappreciative.

You know how that makes a preschool teacher feel when the "real teachers" get a gift but you don't because, "it's just preschool"?   You feel like a babysitter.   I feel like my student's parents think of me as their babysitter and it really does make me feel unappreciated.

When is Babysitters Day?  

I do have to say a handful did bring a small token and the best were the notes, sweet ones from the kids but heartfelt ones from the moms just saying, hey, thanks.  That's all I needed.   Thanks for getting my child from knowing no letters to reading small words.   Thanks.   Thanks for cleaning my kid's puke off of him after I sent him to school with a 101 degree fever thinking it was just allergies.   (Yeah right) Thanks.   Thanks for not yelling at my kid when he wiped his nose on your pant leg.    Thanks for getting completely soaked in a flooding rainstorm to walk my child to the other side of the car when I locked the door and screamed at you to go around away from the dry overhang because, HEY, that's easiest FOR ME.   Thanks.

I get that they pay tuition and feel like they shouldn't have to pony up more money but what they do not realize is that I just spent almost fifty bucks on picture frames and printing of the graduation pictures so they could have a nice graduation gift.    My school did not pay for that.   That butter your kids had so much fun making, I spent $10 on the cream and $7 on the baby food so each child could have their own jar to take home to YOU to share.   That memory book you love so much?   I spent $137 on photo developing and $77 on scrapbooking supplies to make that happen.   That was an entire paycheck for me.   I got $30 to spend on classroom supplies at the beginning of the year.   I bought a lesson plan book and a bulletin board set.   Everything else that made the room pretty throughout the year came from my Discover card.  The birthday book each child gets, made by me.   At home, while my own children are doing their homework.   While I frequently ignore them because, I am making that damn birthday book.   I could list so much more, but I have lesson plans to finish and name sheets to scan, animal paper plates to go buy because wouldn't it be fun to have them for Animal week next week?

I really don't think Teacher Appreciation Week should be a thing.    No one should have to be told to show your teacher that they are appreciated.     People who are appreciative have already shown it.

How?

One of our preschool students died this week.

She was in kindergarten now, but still, she was still one of our preschool students.

I wasn't her teacher but last year I subbed as an aide on Mondays in her class.    I spent a lot of time with her those days.   She liked to talk and tell stories and sit by the teacher and give hugs.    Exactly the things I like to be on the other end of.  

The funeral was today.  

That mother.   Oh my dear sweet Lord, that mother.  

I had a dream last Saturday that my Adam went on a camping trip and went canoeing, hit some wild water, fell out, hit his head and died.   I watched him die and then I was transported to a funeral home where someone was asking what I wanted to do about things like caskets and flowers.   In that dream, in my sleep, I felt like someone had reached in a ripped out my whole heart and, THANK YOU JESUS, I woke up in a cold sweat trying to catch my breath and crying.

I woke up.  

I woke up.  

But I felt it.   I know it wasn't real, but I felt it.   I hope to everything that is good and holy that I never ever feel it again.

That mother.   She will feel it forever and there is nothing I can do for her.   Nothing anyone can do for her to take that raw ache away.  

How do you go on after something like that?  

I hope I never have to figure that out.  

Happy New Year!

Can you believe it's been over TEN years since I started writing on this thing?

Gracious.

Teenagers and school and extra-curricular activities didn't even seem possible then.    How did this happen so fast?

I miss all my blogging friends, logging in every day to see what everyone was doing.    Watching their children grow.   I am glad to see most of them still on FB but it isn't quite the same.  I can't speak freely there as someone's sole job at our school is to monitor all of our social media.   I guess this counts as that, but I don't get much traffic anymore so I am doubting anyone there knows I am out here in the spider-web, dusty world that is my formerly beloved blog.

I say every year I am going to blog more but life gets in the way.   Up at 6, out the door by 7:30 (hopefully), five hours working non-stop, two more hours catching up on every other little thing before the children come home and the three hours of homework, making dinner, cleaning it all up and starting it all over again.   Whew.   I did not know how well I had it ten years ago.  

I love my job.   That has been established.   I have grown so much more frustrated with it lately.   Changes are coming there and I think I have decided not to follow them on their new journey.   It makes me very sad.   I have the opportunity to move up yet again with three of my students I have this year and had last year.    I want to do that.    Their parents want me to do that.   My boss wants me to do that.    That, though, will be five days a week due to the aforementioned changes.    I just do not think I can work five days a week and still have any amount of energy to give back to my own family.   Yeah, yeah, it's only half a day they say but if you've been a teacher, you know once you are there, you are pretty much there all day.   It would be the best job for me minus the pay and the time commitment.

Oh well.   I still have a couple months before I "decide".

Anyway,  since I can't complain on FB……

Am I being a huge southern prude by expecting a thank you note from my children's teachers for the Christmas gifts I purchased for them?

I buy fantastic gifts for my kid's teachers even the ones I do not really care for (stay tuned).    I have had to garage sale so many coffee mugs, coasters, and dried flower arrangements, not that I didn't enjoy them but, well, you can only have so many.  

*FYI……gift cards are good.*

So, I spent $30 on each of Adam's three teachers, Elizabeth's teacher, Elizabeth's French teacher, Elizabeth's art teacher, Adam's three band teachers, both kid's three gym teachers, and $10 Starbucks cards for each of the nurses.  Then there is Jacob…..$70 bucks for $10 gift cards for seven teachers.

I'll wait while you do the math.    *playing the Jeopardy theme*

$450

That is more than a month's pay for me.

I had a friend who makes custom jewelry do something suited to each person based on the likes sheet that was sent home to all of us at the beginning of the year (except for the gift card teachers)

Only Elizabeth's teacher sent me a thank you note.    Mailed it to me over break actually.   The nurses told me thank you, one of Adam's teachers stopped to say she thought her necklace was beautiful.   Jacob's Engineering teacher shot me an email full of gratitude as soon as he received it.  Elizabeth's art teacher had surgery during Christmas week so she gets a pass.  Crickets from the rest.    Every one of them has my email address.   They have each used it this year.  Shoot, each one of them sees at least one of my kids at least twice a week.

$450

I know I should give just to feel good about the giving and I did as I was buying them.   I hope they all enjoyed what I picked out for them but what happened to just being grateful?  

For the record, I hand wrote all 11 of the kids who gave me a gift a note last night while waiting in the cold car during football practice.    I just felt like it was the right thing to do.  

Man, it feels good to complain online again.   I should do this more often.

Will Teach for Food

Last night I drove my son and his girlfriend (sigh) to a trampoline place for a date (sigh).

His girlfriend is actually very delightful and talkative and maybe just a little bit like Jacob so I can totally see the connection there.    Did I hear her say she had ADHD?   Very interesting.   Anyway, not what I was going to write about.    Today.

So she asked me about my lanyard hanging on the rearview mirror (the working man's fuzzy dice) and I told her I was a teacher.   My son told her, well, she's kind of a teacher.   She doesn't work every day and she doesn't work in a "school".    If I didn't know any better I might think he was a little embarrassed about that.

Excuse me.

I am a TEACHER.

I spent five years plus two summers in undergraduate school (because that was the length of the education program factoring in observation and student teaching semesters) earning a Bachelor of Science degree in Elementary Education with emphasis in Early Childhood/Kindergarten.

I spent two years plus two summers in graduate school earning a Masters Degree in Special Education with emphasis in Learning Disabilities and Behavior Disorders.

I was certified after taking two six hour exams in the states of West Virginia and Virginia to teach grades Pre-K-8 and Special Education K-12.

I became a TEACHER.

I taught a special ed self-contained class, a pull-out class, a collaborative class, third grade, sixth grade, Gifted 4th-6th grade, fourth grade, first grade, second grade, had some children, and have, for the past six years, taught preschool.

I officially work five hours a day, three days a week and earn $427 and some change every two weeks for that.  I bring home $207.07 from that amount.   That means I deposit $414.14 each month.   That is not a typo.   I pay more in taxes than I keep.   No.   We do not get a refund.   In fact, we pay at least $600 each year to the IRS.   At least.

I know you are thinking now that I must be an idiot.   I think this as well many, many days.

BUT.   BUT.

I LOVE my job.

After years of feeling like a sub-par mother and not quite fitting into the stay-at-home play date crowd, I  am finally back in my happy place.

I know Jesus wants me to be modest and say I just do my best, but while I will say that about my mothering and wifing, I am going to stand whole-hog and say I am A FANTASTIC teacher!    They make great teachers at WVU.   Just saying.   And at some point along that way for all those years I realized I was good at it and poured myself into it (helped I was single most of that time).   I have folded in my purse a note my first teaching year principal left for me that said, and I can quote because I look at it all the time, "When I watch you teach, I cannot believe it is your first year.   I would love for others to come see what you can do."   THAT.   Was my ever-changing moment.   I didn't just imagine I was good at it.   Someone else saw it too.    I have never, EVER wanted to do anything else (aside from the mothering but that's another story).

Anyway.

I am a TEACHER.

I do not work only my allotted fifteen hours and go home.   I spend at least an hour each Monday afternoon preparing for the three day week ahead.   I stay all day Thursday as we have a one hour staff meeting that is not part of our pay.   I spend the rest of that day breaking down my room and rolling it upstairs to storage as I do work in a church and the room has to be clean and looking like a church on Sunday.   Usually I spend most of Thursday evening at home finishing my lesson plans for the next week.   I do take all day Friday off but that's the day I catch up on all the things our household needs like cleaned and groceried.    I cannot imagine how I would get anything done with all the football and dates on the weekends without that Friday.   I am in awe of the real teachers who don't have that luxury.   I spend one week earning at least 24 hours of training time at a conference each summer.   This means I have to arrange for child care that I pay for but I do not get paid for this time.   I spend a week in meetings before school starts preparing for the year and another week preparing my classroom for the year.   I do not get paid for either of these with the exception of one staff meeting and a meet-the-teacher morning.

I love my students with the fire of a thousand suns.    It doesn't matter if they are now in the third grade, I will stop what I am doing and accept a hug and make a huge deal about their recent lost tooth or new shoes.   I want them to learn to the best of their ability while they are with me.   At three/four/five that may mean they only learn how to share and their colors.   Maybe they are reading small books when they leave me.   Whatever it is I have taught to their individual needs and by doing that my lesson plans are longer, more detailed, and take much more of my time to prepare, but why teach them all the same way if they don't all learn the same way?   I purchase so much out of my measly paycheck for them and I WANT to do that. because I love them and want them to succeed.   It's M week next week.   Mangoes were on sale.   They will like that.    Or maybe they won't.   At least they have that experience.   I took Elizabeth to Dollar Tree yesterday for ONE thing (One dollar) and left spending 23 dollars and some because I know one girl would love the Star Wars stickers and those square blocks will really help them get the one-to-one correspondence as we add and subtract, and the jumping frogs are fun and will work their fine motor skills.   I can't wait for them to find them on the table Tuesday morning.   When I did the math, I put a quarter of the paycheck I just received back into my classroom.

That fake classroom in the fake school.

I am a TEACHER.   I LOVE my job.

But.

I have a kid who will hopefully go to college soon.   And two more after him.     I can't keep paying the government so I can feel good about myself.

They offered me a part-time job at Gymboree once.   They know me there.   I love me some Gymboree.   One of my student's mom works there now.    She makes more money than I do.   She works less hours and doesn't do any of it at home.   (sigh).   My teenage neighbor makes more than me at the McDonalds down the street.

It's very sad when good teachers have to work somewhere else just to make the money they really deserve.

At this point, I will not be teaching next year.   I love it, but I feel like I am volunteering a lot of my time.   I want to make a difference in all of my student's lives, but at what cost?   At some point I need to think of our family and what I can do for them.    What if I put all of that energy into teaching my own child?   Maybe I will homeschool Elizabeth next year.   At least I would still be teaching.

I will miss it though.   That's the place I am validated.   I know I am good at that.

I am a TEACHER.    But I don't get paid enough to teach.   Just like so many others who are walking away from it as well.

And then we wonder why our schools are in such bad shape.

High School Happenings

So this happened.

I am still in some sort of fog where I don't really know what to think about this.  

On the one hand…..Good for him!

On the other……um, BABY.  

Nope.   Not a baby anymore.   He even has the underarm hair to prove it.   Which.   Gross.  

To be quite honest it has never crossed my mind that Jacob would get DATE, much less a girlfriend of six weeks.   I figured we'd head down this road in a few years when Adam was ready, but here we are. Smack dab in the middle of pubescent dating.  

I am just winging it ya'll.   Have no idea what the protocols are here.

There was no Homecoming Dance, which, why?   So they went to a movie for their Homecoming date.   We have never let the child go anywhere by himself and suddenly he's walking into a cinema hand in hand with someone else who is not either of us.  Very strange.  They took pictures in the photo booth and in one they were kissing.   I did vomit just a little in my mouth.   REALLY not ready for this.  

The good news is this, this GIRL, this relationship, this, this, whatever it is, has motivated him somewhat.   Oh, he's still failing three classes and he still dabbles in daily curse words, but he bathes.   And brushes his teeth.   And sometimes he even changes his underwear.   All it really takes is a reminder that he can neither 1. drive nor 2. make money to make him self-calm.   Sometimes it actually works.   He WANTS to see this girl every weekend and he needs us to make that happen.   It's a powerful tool.  

He has not been miraculously cured.   He still has ADHD but now he doesn't fight us about his medications.    He even asked to take an extra so they wouldn't wear off on said date.  

We still have bad days but I can tell he is trying.   Sometimes.   Finally.  

I am not ready for this but I am ready for that.  

Facebook

Last week my Facebook "friend" got stranded in an airport on a layover overnight on her way home from a short vacation.   She posted all night long about how miserable it was sleeping in chairs and eating airport food.

The next day she posted a tirade about how she could not believe that out of her 1,000+ friends only 37 posted any kind of encouragement to her and she would just have to tidy up her friend list.

Then, of course, hundreds of people were virtually patting her on the back and, oh, the ((((((hugs)))))))!

Two days later we were no longer "friends".

Good riddance.

I felt badly for her.   Really.  I would be pretty upset if it were me, but after the fourteenth post, well, I get it.  It sucks.   It sucks being put out for a few hours, especially when you weren't expecting it.   Especially when you could have continued enjoying your lovely vacation had you known.  Sucks.

You know what really sucks?

Fourteen years of discomfort.

Fourteen years of other's judgement.

Fourteen years of staring eyes, whispering lips,  eavesdropping ears.

Fourteen years of screaming, crying, griping, complaining, fighting, arguing.

Sucks.

You won't see me posting my woes on Facebook.   I don't need any ((((((hugs)))))))).   I have blocked a few fabulous mothers who have actually stated as much.   I have even blocked happy families because I just couldn't stand looking at them anymore.

Jealous much?   Yeah.  probably.

What am I supposed to post?

"My son is making progress in his psychiatric facility!"

"My son actually turned in some school work today!  Yeah!"

"It's been twenty minutes and no one's cried yet!

"The police were here!  What fun for everyone!"

"We are such great parents!   Everyone is getting along.   Of course, our oldest hasn't been here for four weeks."

June was lovely.    We went to the beach, hunkered down during a "tropical storm", played some games,  saw a movie, ate donuts, and swam a lot.

Jacob wasn't here.

He came back yesterday.

July will be hell.

He hasn't been home a full 24 hours and he's broken his retainers in half (those are the third set, there will be no more, not a good choice putting braces on him.    Waste.  Of.   Money.)

He's hidden the remote and the television is stuck on an inappropriate channel.

He's pissed on the floor, stopped up the sink with toilet paper, and ripped up some of the little kid's art projects.

He has continued to call his dad at work to tell him how unfair I am so guess who is now pissed AT ME.  (Looking forward to the evening fight, he just stands there grinning as it goes on)

Today I have a headache, I have vomited, I did not sleep last night, and my husband and are at each other's throats.

None of that happened earlier in June.

Let me post on Facebook how beautiful our life is.

Go ahead Facebook "friend" delete me for not using my free time to point out how truly awful you have it.    I hope you have a fabulous day spending hours at the gym and eating all those meals such a good cook like you can make.   Enjoy your glass of wine while watching a wonderful movie tonight with your super-duper hubby like you do ever other day of your life.   So sorry you were inconvenienced for a few hours.    So sorry I could't find it in me to care.