Sleeping Like a Baby

My kids suck at sleeping.

I have no idea why this is. They did not inherit this bad habit from me. Ahem. If I could sleep a full twelve hours I would. I have. Like long, long ago before these children were released from my womb. Now, I am lucky to get four hours a night. Why am I being punished this way?

Seriously though.

There has to be some sort of reason why all three of my kids do not require much sleep.

This weekend at Adam's party, two of the kids had to leave early so they could get home and nap. This resulted in a lengthy discussion about children sleep habits and at what age the nap should be dropped and bedtimes and so forth. I choked on that expensive cake when I learned that the other three year olds in the room were still napping 3 hours every afternoon. WTF? The same kids also went right to bed willingly at 8 pm and slept soundly until 8 the next morning? HUH? So this is how other mothers have hobbies and look rested. Interesting.

Let me tell you what it's like at our house.

Shall we begin? Get comfy.

You know how newborn babies supposedly sleep eighteen hours a day? Not mine. I was lucky to get twelve out of them even that first week. They all typically slept an hour and then were awake two to three hours. Lather, rinse, repeat all day AND night. Sleeping through the night? Bwahahhahaha! When people ask me if my baby is sleeping throught the night I secretly want to hurt them. Nighttime sleeping for all of my babies is/was: Rock until my arms are numb. Stand up one time to attempt bed transfer to hear all hell break loose. Rock until my brain is numb then make it to the bed. My bed. The crib is the work of the devil you know, so yeah, my bed. By this time it's about 9:30. And then it goes something like this:


9:30 - 11:40 Sound sleep

11:40 Screaming baby banshee attempts to wake the dead or at the very least other children.

11:45 - 12:15 Baby demands b*&bs or will wake entire house.

12:15 - 1:30 Sound sleep

1:30 - 2:00 More marathon nursing to soothe the savage beast.

2:00 - 4:00 Sound sleep

4:00 Crazy baby wants to wake for the day. Are you frickin' kidding me?

4:00 - 6:30 Futile attempts to put baby back to sleep include rocking, feeding, hiding from baby under the covers, a round of johnny jump up, try not to get scratched by the sleepy kitty pet the kitty, playpen fun while watching Noggin (yeah, Noggin's on all night now!), crying, Mama crying. Mama turns up television and contemplates leaving the sleeping Daddy in the other room. Why should he get to sleep six straight hours? WHY?

6:30 Other children wake for the day while baby is sleeping soundly for the next two hours.


I. am. not. exaggerating.

This is my current nightly routine with Elizabeth, but I did the exact same thing with Adam AND Jacob. What makes it so much worse this time, though, is I have to actually get up at 6:30 and take my big kid to school. When Jacob was a baby I could go back to sleep with him because there were no other kids. When Adam was a baby I could just open the coveted silver sleeve of Pop-tart heaven and turn the tube on for Jacob and he'd veg out while I slept. Gee, I miss those days.

I know other mother's nap when the baby naps, but you know what? My baby no longer naps. Neither does my three year old. They both quit naps around eight months just like their older brother. I do not understand the napping that other mothers speak of. It just doesn't happen here. Never has. But you know what else? They seem happy this way. In fact, the only time I ever encounter a meltdown is when one has fallen asleep in the car. Just the mere fact that they were napping sends them over the edge. Of course, I guess I could look at the bright side and realize I never have to revolve my schedule around naptime which is a plus. And I can now drink caffeinated drinks in the evening without worrying about them interfering with my sleep.


Just know if you're getting eight hours of sleep at night, I hate you.




You will never sleep again, Lady!