Monday, February 04, 2008

Objects in the Rearview Mirror

How can it be that my baby is nine months old?

She is sitting and standing and eating bits of table food and becoming a real live big person right before my eyes. I love watching her grow and change, but at the same time I am so very sad about it. Sadder than I really thought I would be.

When I read Tracey's post about her completed family, I felt I totally understood. I do remember the day I looked in my rearview mirror, saw my two boys, and knew someone else was going to fill that cramped spot in the middle. I just knew. Someone was missing then and now she's not. Family complete.

Yesterday I took a meal over to a lady I barely know who just had a baby. Why? Because I'm that damn nice and because I am desperate for friends and she happens to belong to my Pi Phi Alumni group, is my age, has kids my age, and, well dammit, we're sisters for goodness sakes! Let the secret ritual bonding begin! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. I drove to a swanky neighborhood (no, not jealous much), left my kids crowded in the backseat, took the meal to the door and was invited in to see the baby. "Ya gotta see the baybee!" Remember that episode of Seinfeld? How weird it it that now his wife is more famous than he is because of a cookbook?

Oh yeah. The baybee.

So I go in for just a peek, no biggie and then it happened.

Oh. My. Gawd. Teeny, tiny baby with the wrinkly red skin, the soft sleeping cooing, the wobbly head. My stomach hurt looking at that baby. That girl was darn lucky I just didn't grab that sweet smelly-headed baby and ran out that door. If there were more room in my car I just might have. Well, and since she knows my address and stuff and I'm pretty afraid of the long arm of the law, you know I left her there, but for the record.....I wanted that baby.

Lord help me, but I wanted another baby.

Never mind that I would be over forty and my doctor has deemed my uterus "worn out and tired" and being pregnant again "would not be the best idea". Never mind that we don't have room in our car OR our house for the three we now have. Must. Have. Another. Baby. The thought was so strong that I refused to have celebratory Super Bowl s*x (Go Giants!) because I did not trust myself. Because I did not have my tubes tied like I had originally planned because while getting prepped for my last c-section I panicked and yelled "Do not tie my tubes! I can't do it. What if all my kids were killed in some sort of terrorist attack or avalanche? I need to always be able to reproduce! So what if we have to spend thirty minutes changing all the paper work and you secretly hate me now. I will not do it! I was loaded with pregnancy hormones. I changed my mind again as soon as it was over but they wouldn't go through with it. I have no idea why.

I cannot imagine my life without a baby in it. Elizabeth is thisclose to walking any day now and once she is, she is no longer a baby but a toddler. I like toddlers too, but I miss the baybee. I miss smelling her sweet head and supporting her neck and that funny little reflex they get when you lie them down. When did that go away? I don't remember. When did she start holding her head up? It all runs together. My baby got big little by little and although I was there for all of it, it still sort of just happened without my realizing it. I need to do it again so I can savor it more the next time. Why didn't I savor every. single. moment?

But I can't do it again.

In my heart I do know that we are now complete.

I look in my rearview mirror and I see a full family. As much as it hurts to leave the babyness behind, I know I need to start focusing on the childhood and savoring it as much as I can. The newborn years are behind us now. I need to move on. Sad, but oh, so true



So long Baybees!

It was fun while it lasted.

13 comments:

Tracey said...

I hear ya... If I could just have my 3 babies BACK that'd be fine. I don't particularly want to start all over with ANOTHER child, but it'd be nice to be able to hold each of them in my arms whenever I want to. Now, Justin is nearly as tall as I am!

And I will admit that, though I may claim to be 100% sure of being done, I am not pushing Patrick to get fixed, either... :0

Oh, and you DID treasure the baby stuff. You're just too freakin tired from not sleeping for 6 years to remember it...

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

I just love this post. Love it. So well said, makes me realize that I'm not sure if I'm (we're) done. Amazing how I was so certain the last weeks of pregnancy and the first few months of Ella's life that I'd NEVER want another one...time heals. And newborn babies get those mama feelings brewing.

Becky said...

I understand completely. I always thought that I wanted 3, but the 2 I have are enough. Makes me wish I'd savored more of Alex's baby-ness.

Jana said...

Very well said! I'm still pondering the tube tying with c-section #3 myself. You've given me a lot to think about...

Lynanne said...

Ditto what everyone else has said. You've said so perfectly what I feel. Even with 4 kids I try to rationalize how 5 kids would be doable. Yet I know it's all about wanting another tiny baby.

Then I think about how they grow up and become preteens. Oy! I love my oldest son dearly but the best birth control is not my 2 y/o, it's my 11 y/o.

Yes, like yours, my family is complete.

Melissa said...

I totally know EXACTLY how you feel!

JaniceNW said...

If I may ask..how many avalanches does Houston average in a century?

(I live 25 niles from the pass that was closed for 4 straight days because they were setting off avalanches and controlling where th snow would go.)

Amie said...

Newborns do not evoke those feelings in me. I think because I see so many (there is practically a new one every week in our church) and I constantly see how fast they grow out of newborness LOL

Lynsey said...

I hear ya sister! Just looking at Brendan's new little teeth makes me ready to make a new one! As tiring as they are...there's nothing like a newborn.

Michelle said...

It sure doesn't seem possible that she can be 9 months old already! What a darling pic of her too :) I can't believe she's on the verge of walking! Growing up way too fast!

This baby isn't even born yet and I'm already asking myself if we're done at 2 or not! I have a feeling we are, so just in case I'll try to savor all this babyhood!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Newborns don't do that to me. Instead, the evoke memories of sleepless nights, endless breastfeeding, and c-section misery. But show me a 3-month old and I turn into a blithering idiot. I would take ten of them.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Eat 'n Park

:-)

Miss Hope said...

Am I the only one who paid attention to the date on the picture? I keep thinking that's gonna confuse someone later on in life

I know how you feel. I finally walked down the baby aisle at the grocery store and realized I didn't need one thing from there. We're past it. Sad, yet liberating.