Thursday, March 13, 2008

Mr. Sandman, Please Come Babysit My Kids So I Can Catch a Nap

My daughter slept six straight hours last night!

I, on the other hand, did not.

Can you believe I was stricken, yes stricken, with insomnia!!

What kind of cruel joke was that??

Damn daylight savings. I am sure it was at fault in some way. It couldn't have been the entire bag of peanut butter eggs I ate in the tub last night. No.

I am dying today. I awoke before midnight and never fell back to sleep. I slept for a total of 41 minutes last night.

At one, I got up and surfed the internet and was disturbed to learn of this woman. I then spent thirty more minutes lying awake wondering how that was possible. Did she eat in there? What the hell was wrong with her? More importantly what the hell was wrong with her boyfriend? I wonder how she slept. If she could sleep, surely I could sleep.

At two, I watched half a tivoed episode of Men in Trees. Then I was reminded of Northern Exposure. Then I missed Northern Exposure. Then I got sad that it's been so many years since Northern Exposure was on and, man, I am so fricking old because I bet there are tons of people who haven't even heard of Northern Exposure. Damn.

At three, I attempted to fall asleep next to my slumbering, pink-pajamed goosey, when I remembered, holy crap batman!, I haven't begun planning her birthday yet, so I set about planning that in my mind. I can throw a hell of a party in my mind.

At four, I realized we have been here eight years, we still have no friends, and my goose has no baby friends, so we don't have anyone to invite to the awesome party. Damn. I want some friends.

At four fifteen I was wishing we lived in Alaska because apparently it's very easy to move in there and fit right in. It worked for Dr. Fleishman and Marin Frist, it could work for us too. I like snow.

At four thirty I ate a half pound of black pepper cashews and went back to bed.

At five I drank a ton of water to rid myself of the pepper taste.

At five ten I gave in and brushed my teeth surprising the husband who had just awakened for the day. I told him my plan to move to Alaska. He didn't seem very enthused about it. Something to do with the lack of employment opportunities for him yada, yada, ya.

At five fifteen I secretly hated the husband for sleeping all night long. And for leaving the extra bed for me to make. again.

At six Elizabeth screamed her breakfast order.....milk. again.

At six fifteen I gave up and watched Degrassi on tivo. Sssshh. Don't tell anyone.

Day-um, I need some sleep.

Maybe I'll drop the kids off at a friends so I can nap.

Oh yeah, we don't have any friends. Stupid Texas.

I bet my Alaskan neighbors would watch my kids.


Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Your daughter has trained you to not sleep, no matter what. Babies are evil like that.

Becky said...

Dude, your CHICAGO neighbors would watch your kids while you napped. Hint, hint. There's a house down the street for sale...

I'm just sayin'.

This happened to me when Alex first started sleeping more like a human being at night. I took some sleeping pills and have (mainly) gotten over it). Good luck.

OneHungMan said...

Not sure what it is, but daylight savings time has haunted me this year more than any other year.

OneHung broke down and took drugs last night just for a good night's sleep.

Melissa said...

Yeah, I read about that lady stuck to the toilet. It boggles my mind. I think if I keep trying to figure out how she stayed in there like that for two whole years my brain may explode.

Hope you get some sleep tonight!

Lynsey said...

You crack me up sista.
I read about that woman on the toilet too- WTF was all I could say about that.
Sorry about the no sleep thing...I am totally sure that the Alaskan folks would love to watch your kids too. I have a friend in Alaska, she's nice and neighborly like that.
Hope you sleep tonight, and oh- when Brendan was first born and up all night, I found a channel that plays reruns of NE for hours. I'll have to figure out which one it was...

Amie said...

That toilet story is so bizarre.

Move to Northern Michigan and you would have some friends here, AND the snow! :D

Tracey said...

Whaa??? I missed the toilet lady link. Gotta read that...

HEY. Fill me in on Men in Trees cuz I accidentally deleted it! And I was p.o.'d, big time.

Lynsey said...

Hope you got some sleep lastnight. Just reading your post made me tired.

Leslie said...

Hope you sleep better tonight !! Maybe miss. Elizabeth will sleep through the night two nights in a row for you....

Rosie's Posey said...

OM Goodness! I cannot for the life of me imagine that woman stuck on the toilet for 2 years. She totally had to be mental or something. Totally mind boggling. In fact, I don't think I want to think about it for too long or my head might explode.

I actually think that Elmo, Alaska sounds like a fine right nice place to live. Maybe I'll join you there.

Minnesota Matron said...

If you were in Minnesota, the Matron would take on your crew so you could get some sleep! Cruel trick, that insomnia. I've suffered at its hands as well.

BethGo said...

A friend from highschool went to Alsaka on vacation and liked it so much that she moved there. She says it's nice.
Hey, my husband's out of a job. I'll move there if you will.
We can be neighbors.
I'll watch your kids!

There! Problem solved!