Thursday, May 13, 2010

Week Two, Post Three

I found this in my draft file and it brought a chuckle. Who knew? I don't even remember writing it. The original date was 2/19/07.

OK, to answer the question that is on everyone's mind, because I get it at least once daily:

Am I hoping for a girl this time?

Well, gee, maybe. To be honest, this pregnancy is slipping by and there are moments of the day that, aside from the fact that I can't see my feet, I forget I am pregnant at all. I don't spend time dwelling on things because, basically, I don't have the time. This would explain the fact that my child will likely be nameless when it is born.

I really, really wanted a girl when I was pregnant with Jacob. So much so that I could think of nothing else. There was no way in hell I was giving birth to a boy, no matter how much my dad and husband wanted one, it would. not. happen. But, deep down I knew he was a boy. I dreamt about having a baby boy from the early weeks and couldn't shake them for anything. I told my husband the night before the "big" ultrasound that I would totally flip out if they told me it was a boy and to be prepared. Well, I didn't flip out exactly, but the blood rushed to my feet and I felt dizzy. I was not prepared. Good bye Grace, Hello Jacob. Yes, I was thrilled he was healthy and seeing his little face on that screen was wonderful, but he had the wrong parts, man, how was I going to deal with that? I eventually grew to like the idea and loved surrounding myself in baby blue (because you know I hate pink) and when my water broke eight weeks early I was just praying I gave birth to a living baby, it didn't matter at all what parts he possessed. Once I saw that kid, it didn't matter that he wasn't a girl. He was my child, a little person I brought into the world, and that was cool.

Now with Adam, well, I knew he was a boy before I got pregnant with him (cue the Twilight Zone tune). We struggled for months to have him and at one point we just gave up. We figured we were blessed to have one child when so many others continue to struggle and we were happy with that decision. Right after that I started having dreams of this little boy and, let me creep you out some more, he was usually with my dead roommate who would tell me in a round about way that she was watching my boy. Can I freak you some more? Adam reacts to her photos when he sees them, the same way he does with my sister or my mom. But, to get back on track, once we found out we were pregnant with Adam I had no doubt in my mind that he was a boy, so I never really gave much thought to having a girl. I just knew.

So we had our two kids. Our family was we thought. This child is truly a surprise in every way. I couldn't even begin to tell you what I think this baby will be. I had one dream months and months ago and even that was pretty vague. I guess my best educated guess is that it's a boy, just based on our track record, but I don't have any warm, fuzzy feeling about it. It is what it is, let's just hope it has a name.

So after six years of boydom, I have gotten good at it. I like Matchbox cars and I know every single Thomas story every written. I like overalls and muddy tennis shoes and buying truck pajamas. I like that I don't have to sit down and fix someone's hair in the morning. I like that they don't like pink.

Now, for the million dollar question: Do I want a girl? I don't know. I know I don't feel that fierce need for one like I did the first time. I do know I would love to know what our little girl would look like, but do I feel like I would miss out without her? Still, I don't know. I know my husband would love to walk his daughter down the aisle one day, but how are we guaranteed that she would even marry, or shoot, like men? I know I have a fantastic relationship with my mom and would like to duplicate that with my own child, but again, how is that a guarantee? Why can't I have a close relationship with my sons? I don't think gender needs to an issue there. Anyway, before I really get long winded, a girl would be great, but so would another boy. I have Abigail to help me with my girly girl fix so, maybe without her I would feel the greater desire for a girl, I don't know. I just know I want to survive my c-section with a healthy baby for the long haul. Case closed.