That Was Fast

Here are the pictures I took this summer.....

My sister's birthday...



And the weekend trip to the fancy hotel down the street....



Which was not so much fancy as it was scrungy, but, you know, live and learn.



Summer passed me by yet again. School starts Tuesday. Work starts Wednesday. *sigh*

It seemed like we spent much of our days driving Jacob from one appointment to the next. He saw two different psychiatrists, two different therapists, and a pediatrician. Then our insurance balked at paying for most of it, so we stopped hearing from most of them. Jacob spent almost two weeks completely unmedicated due to being retested on five different days. We were pretty much trapped in the house because we couldn't take him anywhere. Oh, he wanted to go places, he just wanted to go places while doing somersaults and jumping jacks and screaming at the top of his lungs. It was worth it, though, to get a better diagnosis, better prognosis, better plan, or it might have been. The psychiatrist doing the testing won't return my calls since the insurance company won't return her calls. Apparently she's holding the results hostage until she gets paid and our actual money isn't good enough for her or she has some sort of grudge to work out with Aetna. Whatever. Soooo......we still don't know what is wrong with my kid and he didn't get to join any of the social skills groups she promised either. He starts fifth grade in two days and has pretty much nothing to show for it but a bunch of wasted time.

Yay.

The other psychiatrist lowered his Daytrana dosage by half (10mg) and we're happy with that. The paranoia is gone and he can sleep in his room again. I don't think he'll be able to function at school on this dosage because he's still quite busy and so, so talkative, so we'll try him on 15mg on Tuesday and see how that goes. I was a little peeved that she would only write the prescription for tomorrow so I couldn't try it out first, but whatever.

Adam goes to school all day this year and I am sick over it. Kindergarten was sad, but not so much because it wasn't much different than preschool. We were still able to eat lunch and watch Dinosaur Train and do art projects or go buy cake balls all before Jacob got back......I enjoyed his company. If I weren't working, I'd seriously think about homeschooling him a few years. I am going to miss him like crazy.

You know, until he starts fighting with his brother and pisses me off and then school will sound good again.

But right now he's being so sweet that, yeah, I'm going to miss him.

And maybe I'll have more time now to blog with two in school full time......

Yeah. Okay.

The Other Side

Adam was supposed to spend this week with his grandparents.

But he's not.

Although this week has been crossed out for him for months, his summer school class cancelled for this week and the soccer camp he was going to attend scrapped because it interfered, he still isn't going to spend the week with his grandparents as planned.

Abigail, my neice, will be spending this week with the grandparents instead.

I love having my sister and her daughter so close I can see them every weekend . It's just...well....I don't like my neice very much.

ssshhhh...don't tell anyone.

Oh, I love her. She's family. I can take her in very short increments, but when she's here for hours and hours I want to claw my eyes my out and run screaming into traffic.

Abigail is an only child. Kinda. She has a seventeen year old step-sister she sees twice a month. In that time she has apparently learned enough teenage attitude to adopt it as her own. She is eight. It's annoying.

This Saturday she decided she didn't like Jacob anymore. He isn't cool enough for her. She snuck around all day whispering nasty names, pushing him, stealing his things. Of course he is ten and acts like he's five so it was quite loud here with all the upset which was his day. Also...he's off his medication COMPLETELY until we finish up retesting sometime this week. Anyway, it was ugly. And then she brought Adam into it. Adam does not need a reason to pick on Jacob. He's his brother, that's what they do, but she helped amp it up a notch. The two of them...together...relentless....doing all the things I demand to be stopped at school. There were punishments and separations until I felt like a Super Nanny parent just dragging my kid back to the step over and over. For Adam. Abigail was told repeatedly by her mother to "stop it". And that was that. I attempted to throw some consequences her way but the Miley Cyrus wanna-be would throw me some 'tude and then revert back to her own age and cry to her mom about how mean Jacob was and then my sister would stomp up and yell at Jacob. Did I already say how ugly it was? That's the only word I have for Saturday. I should buy a thesaurus.

Anyway...

A few weeks ago my sister scheduled a business trip this entire week. There's no one else to watch Abigail so guess where she gets to go? Yes, the grandparents. Adam has been waiting for his week since he missed his last summer. He was allright sharing it with Abigail so I was too....until Saturday.

After spending the same kind of day on Sunday except with now NEW! attempted drowning, and with plenty of warning I put the kibosh on the whole shared grandparent week.

Abigail screamed at me and declared it unfair, threw a pool ball at my mother and told her she'd be bored at her house now. My sister couldn't understand why I'd suddenly change my mind. My mother still stopped by this morning on her way out of town to see if I was "serious" since now I have to take both littles to all the appointments I scheduled for Jacob this week when I thought I'd be one less. She just kept shaking her head and I know she was worried about how she's going to keep her granddaughter from destroying her new home without someone to occupy her time. Because, yeah, she destroys things too. I guess I should be grateful for all the things I've had to trash makes us look less like hoarders, but damn, my kids liked those toys.

Adam was a wee bit sad this morning and I considered relenting all the way out to my mother's car until she saw Jacob standing behind it and told him to move away she didn't want to run over him and Abigail said...

"Oh, can we?"

I will probably hear from my sister tonight when she finds out I reamed her child out in my driveway.

But I no longer feel like I may have made the wrong choice by keeping Adam at home.

I'm sad for him, yes, because he won't get another chance this summer to have his week, but I just don't want him soaking all that attitude in for so long. I also love my parents too much to make them have to deal with the double trouble I am sure they'd have to endure.

He doesn't seem to upset about it. In fact, he might even seem a bit relieved.

And now, he's upstairs playing Wii with his brother. No one is fighting....so far.

It's strange to be the one pulling her child away for a change. We're usually the ones others break friendships with because they can't deal with Jacob. It's weird.

Money Well Spent

What Are YOU Looking At?

Is what crosses my mind every time I see this picture.



Poor little baby....just pitiful.

I don't remember if I mentioned it in the past, but my kids have warts. My late neice Laura got them at some point during her illness and passed them along to Jacob right before she passed away. Or maybe he caught them from all the junk he picks up, but the Laura story makes them more bearable on everyone so we'll stick with that one. Anyway, Jacob was mercilessly bullied teased about his all over his fingers and arms back in second grade so we had them removed and that was no big deal. Adam started getting the warts last summer and until a few weeks ago there were only a few on his knees. On the last day of school I noticed he had a small one right on his bottom lip. Ugh. If Jacob was bullied teased over finger warts what in the world would happen to my sweet baby over face ones? So I took him to the dermatologist last week to have them (there turned out to be three of them on his face) removed. He was all for it too. When he found out Jacob got a prize from the toy store after his procedure, he was all bring it on .

Until that first blast of whatever that freezing off stuff they shot him with was.

Traumatized I tell you.

But to his credit, he laid (lain, lay, lie? I missed school that day) there and took it for the entire three minutes it took to get them all frozen. Three minutes is a long time when someone is squirting pain into your face.

He would not take the sticker the nurse offered him. Sticker? You're giving me a STICKER! FOR THAT? The absurdity of it all.

He refused to stop at the toy store. Someone! ANYONE! Might see me. And I'm mad. So. Very. Mad. At. My. Mother.

He wanted to go straight home to cover his face with bandages although the bandages were strictly forbidden. What if SOMEONE SEES HIM? OMG. Why did you do this to me? I want a new Mommy. I NEED a Cars 2 bandaid. Stat.

He didn't even want one of his favorite red velvet cake balls I ran out and spent too much on to relieve my guilt over screwing up yet another of my children.

He hated me. He told me so. Over and over.

Two hours later he climbed into my lap in the recliner and sobbed. His Finn McMissile bandaid quivering as he cried. He still hated me, but he still needed me. I felt so badly for him, but at the same time, I completely savored that moment.

His face has completely healed now. I think his soul has healed too. I know my heart is full just being able to soothe my children and do what I can to heal them of their hurts. I know one day soon he won't want me like that.

Then who will soothe me then?

Thirty Days

We were able to get in yesterday with the child psychiatrist due to a cancellation. Thank you canceller.

I liked her much better than the last guy. We met with her an entire fifty minutes as opposed to the maximum six with the other guy. She also actually spoke to Jacob and asked him how he felt which, wow, yeah, maybe the kid going through it all can give some feedback for once. I was, however, a bit confused when she refused to prescribe some anti-anxiety medications. She agreed he has anxiety and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) but we're going to lower his patch dosage and supplement that with a three hour pill in the morning while the patch is taking effect.

O. Kay.

We haven't been anywhere today so I can't say anything about the anxiety, but the ADHD? It's there. In full force. In fact he's screaming just for the pure hell of it as I type. That's what $180 buys me I guess. Thirty more days of this.

Oh, joy.

Interesting Development

The husband and I moved to Texas over eleven years ago. Just he and I and our very young pets made the 24 hour journey completely away from everyone and everything we knew.

We landed in a shitty neighborhood thanks to our stellar realtor who assured us we were buying in a very desirable area just to make her last sale before she caught a flight to begin her new life in Puerto Rico two weeks later. Of course, I guess you could consider it desirable, you know if you were a thug or graffiti artist. Anyway, living there for so long we didn't make many connections and if you go back to the very beginnings of this blog you'll see how very needy I was for human companionship, some friends, maybe some family.

Thank goodness we found this home when we did. It really has been a tremendous blessing. Can you believe we've lived here three years this weekend? I swear, I can still smell the new house smell when we walk in the front door. I love it here, I really do. I am surrounded by wonderful neighbors who I can honestly say are my friends. I am lonely no more.

But when I lived over there, I always wished I had some family nearby. Someone to call when I needed an egg or a babysitter or just someone to grill out with on a nice spring evening, but I knew that would never happen. My sister had a great job and loved where she lived and my parents did move closer, just not close enough.

Until now.

My sister's company was bought out by a different company that happens to have a location right smack here in the very town I live in right now at this moment. She was told in April in no uncertain terms that, well, if she wanted to keep working for them she would accept the very generous promotion they were offering her.

And so she did.

She's been here working for a month now already. Tonight she'll be back with her daughter and some belongings and get settled in an apartment not nine hours away but down the street. Her husband will be coming once he finds work and/or sells their house and although she is bummed by this, I, in fact, am not, but that's all I'll say about that.

Down the street.

How long do you think I have to let her get settled before I start dropping my kids off there?

Parenting......

It ain't for the weak.

You have to prepared for everything and sometimes, well, you just aren't.

I just returned from a pool party. An hour early. Elizabeth pitched a fit of epic proportion over, well, I'm still not quite sure, but I told her once to either go back to the pool or walk with me to the showers where she could get dressed and when she refused both I added the old, we-can-go-home-if-you-don't option thinking I was all smart and she'd make a choice and I could then go back to sitting on my ass gossipingchatting with the other parents.

Guess who didn't follow the plan?

And you know what? I really, really didn't want to pick her up and take her home because her brother was behaving like an angel in that pool and, whoops, didn't think about him when I threw out that threat. I

And there I was, squatting on a wet floor in front of ten other parents who were trying desperately not to appear as though they were watching the whole thing.

Let it go or follow through?

Man, I really wanted to let it go. But I didn't. And to be honest, if all those eyes weren't watching me out of their peripheral vision, I might have, but I knew if I did, the next party would be even uglier.

So as calmly as I could I had Adam exit the pool. I squeezed all three of us through the crowd into the extremely tiny party room where the rest of the parents and our things were waiting. I attempted to explain to the hostess what the hell was going on amidst the chaos, but I think all I got was a half-hearted wave as I literally dragged one screaming child through the parking lot with another repeating "I want to stay, what did I do?" over and over while the whole party had their faces pressed against the glass watching it all.

At that moment I could have melted right into the pavement.

What do you think the odds are that they'll all move away before school starts?

I am so embarrassed. My heart is still thumping hard two hours later.

I am not strong enough for this. My weak is showing. I am waving my white flag.

Adam....

is such a sweet little boy.

Oh, he isn't perfect. He can be stubborn. He sometimes sneaks out of the house to play with his friends without telling me. He knows where Jacob's buttons are and pushes them regularly. For the most part, though, he is a sweetie.

This morning as I was dropping off Elizabeth at her stop at bible school Adam says, "She is such a sweet little girl, I love her so much and miss her when she's not with me".

And I know he meant it with his full heart.





I have hundreds more pictures just like this.

Adam has adored Elizabeth since the evening she was born. The morning of her birth he wasn't so sure, but there was true love at second sight and since then I have known G*d sent Elizabeth not to me, but to Adam. He will even tell you himself that she was G*d's most perfect gift to him.

I mean, what six year old says that about his sister?

It's easy to focus on what is not going right in my life. I pray hourly daily for strength and guidance and, well, just a little bit of peace where Jacob is concerned. I tend to forget how so very blessed I am. It may not have been completely as I imagined, but it's a blessing.

All of it.

"For we live by faith, not by sight" II Corinthians 5:7

There is a reason to my current season. I may never understand it, but I have faith it will get better.

And I am forever grateful for my sweet little reminder.

Selective

My baby graduated from kindergarten.



Like, four weeks ago.

Although it was Adam's evening, the focus quickly shifted.

We let Adam pick the dinner choice that night and, of course, he chose Panda. It would've been really nice too if Jacob hadn't decided the only other people in the place were after him and spent the entire dinner growling and rocking back and forth and demanding we bag our food to take home. Which, eventually, we had to do. By the time we got to the ceremony I was sobbing and not completely all because my darling was suddenly a huge first grader. How in the world did this sweet baby become a kindergarten graduate? Ah, I love him so.

A week later Jacob had no problem whatsoever attending his own non awards night and even requested a special dinner himself. At Panda. WTH? You really should have seen the look on my face.

But no. We went for the awards and that was it. I still wonder if we should've even skipped that. Sent him some sort of message but it's over and done with. We went. He was thrilled and happy over his one award and showed no evidence of fearing everyone around him which, of course, he did the next day when I had to buy groceries insisting the terrorists were coming for him very loudly near the Muslims who followed us around with their carts.

*sigh*

The child has been diagnosed with ADD, not ADHD, although I am thinking he's gained an H since we was last tested, Auditory Processing Disorder, which, WTF? I don't even know what that is and I have a Masters Degree in Special Education, and mild anxiety which I believe has escalated over the years to moderate anxiety or possible selective anxiety.

He takes a 20 mg patch of Daytrana daily that takes almost two hours to begin working. Those are some pretty fun two hours I tell ya. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

I tried halving his dosage to see if we'd be able to actually go anywhere but while he wasn't afraid of the neighbors anymore we still couldn't go anywhere because it's a bit embarrassing when your ten year old is doing somersaults in the Target.

So he went back on his original dose.

And he fought me the next four mornings on, well, everything.

On the fifth morning he arose early, put on the patch without a fight, completed ALL of his chores and school work before I even awoke, and FLUSHED THE TOILET which apparently frightens the shit out of him because he won't ever do it.

Why was Friday different? New dosage? New discipline techniques? Suddenly cured?

No.

The night before he asked to play with some girl he adores that day and I told him only if he did his chores and straightened up his attitude.

Hmmmm......

And it didn't even scare him to ride his bike to the complete opposite end of the neighborhood to go find her. Amazingly, just that day there were no people out to get him.

Sadly, said girl left that day to go spend six weeks at her dad's so guess who's afraid of everything again?

*sigh*

Selective anxiety is my official diagnosis.

But just to be sure, we are keeping the July 18 psychiatrist appointment, we have a Monday appointment with some sorta social skills coach? I am not sure what she actually does but the sweet therapist lady seems to think it will help.

We'll see.

And again, something that starts out about Adam turns out about Jacob. It's no wonder poor Adam picks on Jacob every chance he gets. But that is a whole other story.

Only 96 More To Go

Jacob received ONE award this school year....



Perfect Attendance.

In all honesty, I feel like that is really my award because, I mean, how the hell did he get there if not for me?

I did not even want to go to the awards ceremony. In fact, I almost didn't. This is the only picture I took and even then my husband forced me to walk up and take it.

It takes a lot of effort to NOT make honor roll or superior conduct. Shoot, his bullies all got an award for superior conduct and they supposedly saw the principal at some point. Of course, I realize now that may have just been a story told just to shut me upto appease me. But that's a whole 'nother story.

We are on day five of summer vacation and I have to say, it pretty much sucks.

I got all ambitious like on Friday and drove the kids to the teacher store where I doled out sixty bucks on books and charts and fun stuff to begin Fourth Grade Remediation 101. I spent Saturday morning planning our week's activities plus an extensive check chart of chores that aren't really new but a huge reminder as to what is expected of each and every child with shiny stickers to trade in for allowance quarters. I mean, what child doesn't want money?

My big one doesn't apparently.

I think "I don't have to do any of this crap snd you can't make me" was what he spewed as he stomped up the stairs.

And really, I guess he's right.

He has never done time-out and don't tell me to spend eight hours chasing him back to the spot because I've tried that. I have two other kids I have to feed at some point. I know that mysteriously works for the Super Nanny kids but it never has with him.

I can no longer drag him anywhere. He's too strong for me. We used to put him outback and pull the blinds for his time-outs and that worked until he realized all he had to do was drop and drag.

I could spank him with a belt but the last time I tried that he kicked me so hard I coughed up blood and dealt with searing rib pain for two months.

I don't know what to do with him. I've tried nice, I've tried mean, I've tried sweet and understanding, and I've tried ambivalent and nothing works. My child is a lazy, sullen, rude, smelly teenager already and he's only ten.

I have a MASTERS DEGREE in this shit!

Seriously. I have a masters degree in special education with emphasis on....get this....BEHAVIOR DISORDERS. WTF?

I completely integrated a child back into the mainstream classroom using all these fancy techniques I learned yet I CANNOT get my child to feed the damn cat or talk respectfully using the exact same crap.

He has no more stuff since he refuses to clean it up. He has no sheets on his bed since he refuses to make the bed. He is down to only a few items of clothing since he refuses to walk the three steps to the laundry chute. These haven't done anything to change his ways.

This weekend he peed all over the bathroom floor and wall out of spite. What do I do then? Lock him out of the bathrooms?

His therapist wants to admit him to a facility in Austin. Austin is three hours away. It's a nine month program. It costs over $50,000. Our insurance will not cover it. When the sweet doctor lady wants to send a kid who has to attach himself to my arm just to walk the grocery cart fifteen feet to sleep away from home for nine months, it just defeats you.

We can't afford that. And really, I don't think we can afford to chance what might happen if we'd actually drop him off there and drive away. The nice therapist lady seems to think we don't have any other option.

This was definitely not what I imagined when we decided to have children.

Life as photographed by Adam

I couldn't find my camera most of last week. I finally found it today. Under the bed. And this is what I found on it.....












There was another really interesting one I had to delete once I figured out what it was.

I just hope he doesn't continue that when he gets a Facebook page.

Are There Really 101 Days of Summer Vacation?

So today was the last day of school.

It was pretty unremarkable as last days of school go, well, aside from the huge water gun fight and having to watch my child be sprayed mercilessly yet not spoken to at all for the entire hour I put up with that shit before leaving early.

I really thought I was doing a wonderful thing for him by taking him to lunch at his fave greasy pizza palace afterwards.

I was so wrong.

As I was ordering my ten year old child bounced himself off the wall, threw paper napkins, screamed in, what I can only guess was, tongues, growled like a dog, and told me he'd kill me if I didn't leave that place RIGHT. NOW.

Um...yeah.

This is Jacob's new "thing".

Remember last year when he went all crazy bat-shit on that funky Concerta?

Yeah. Kinda like that. Except, there is no rhyme nor reason for this behavior. On the Concerta he was consistent with his agorophobia. Is it agorophobia that makes you want to not be near people or go places? Or is that arachnophobia? Well, whichever, he's afraid of spiders too.

What was I saying?

Oh....Jacob has developed the paranoia again when we go places although it really just depends on the place.

If it's one of Adam's soccer games and the inevitable Chick-Fil-A feast after then he has it.

If it's Target and we promise to buy him something. Hmmm....not so much.

Anyway....

Although he is losing weight, he is still almost as tall as me and much stronger already. I attempted to take him by the hand and escort him from the building but he pulled the drop and drag (which I find extremely ironic from a kid who just demanded to leave). I eventually got him to his feet and out the door but I'm sure to the owners of that fine establishment and the video cameras they use it appeared I was probably abusing him. It didn't help that two teachers from his school walked right in just as I was getting him to the car. I might have said f*ck about that time too. Oops. It's very difficult to refrain from profanity when you're being kicked in the gut.

I keep wondering if the cops will show up.

I am bummed that this yummy pizza will be my last. You know I ain't setting foot in there again.

So here we go again.

I got the first available appointment with the only other child psychiatrist who takes our insurance. July 18 at 1:45. The child has refused to go on our annual trek up to the fancy water slide. He will be staying with his grandparents. I have been told he'll set fire to the church if I even attempt to drop him off for Vacation Bible School in two weeks. He screamed for a solid five minutes when I told him I'd signed him up for ONE three hour art class. He loves art. WTF?

I don't know if he's playing me or not. I kinda feel like he's using last summer's meltdown as an excuse to get out of doing anything. I also feel like he sometimes needs to be committed to a mental facility. I don't know what the hell is going on with him.

Something has to change though. He scares my little kids. Shit, he scares me.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I love him, but I don't really like him much. I want to get help for him, but damn, we've been getting help for him for YEARS and nothing has helped. He maxes out our insurance fund every year by May for all the specialists he sees. He almost failed fourth grade. He got ten demerits a day, every day. He saw more detention in one month this year than I ever did in all twelve years of school. He's been kicked out of church. Again.

What did I do to deserve this? What did my little kids do to deserve this? What did Jacob do to deserve this? Where are the answers to my prayers? His prayers?

How many days until school starts again?

Holy shit I hope we survive this summer.

My Loves

The Cone of Shame

Poor...

Because He's My First Baby...

My dog almost died this week.

But he didn't.



Instead he got a $3500 spleenectomy done by a fancy-schmancy veterinary surgeon complete with new-fangled funnel alternative.

Plus the added towel since the expensive blow-up donut didn't keep him from releasing two staples in the blink of an eye.

This will give him nine more months. Maybe a year.

We had to do it though. The maybe two weeks was more than we could hear.

So we won't be going to Disney next year.

We won't be getting curtains. Finally.

But our dog will be here this summer. And possibly Christmas.

So it was worth it.

The Last Day of Three....Really

Four years ago today....

It really does seem like yesterday.

It's hard to remember when we didn't have a little bit of pink in our house.



And can I just say how so very much I miss that sweet little boy rubbing my hair in that chair every morning. What I wouldn't give for one more morning of that.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

My Blog is Broken...

Or at least that's what I hear ;)

I have lots to write about it, but no time in which to do it. We are in the last six weeks of preschool and along with that comes Mother's Day Tea, Father's Day Picnic, Easter Egg Hunts, and "Graduation". Those also come with art projects that must be laminated, cut, magnetted, and wrapped and guess who gets to do those things? Did I happen to mention the twenty page scrapbooks I have to put together for each child? ALL FIFTEEN OF THEM????

Yeah. That's taking up all my blogging time.

But not Facebook time. I can't let my Frontier and Island die.

Priorities, ya'll.

Anyway....

I found this in my archives. I almost cried. I remember taking that picture. I remember how smart she thought she was because she could take that hat off. Now that baby can put letters together to write words. She can read a little too. She can kick a ball as well as her brothers and can put her own temporary tattoo on her arm.

She got big.

No fair.

In two weeks she'll be four. years. old.

How?

When?

Gah.

This...

Is being posted just because I like it.

Every day I get with that old dog is a gift.



And the girl too, yes, every day I get with that girl and her brothers is also a gift, but, you know, the dog is old so I am very grateful to have this picture and be able to take another today if we want.

10

I swear, I don't know who this person is. I know I had a baby yesterday ten years ago but I haven't seen him in a while.



My baby is 10 today.

10.

10 = can't call him little anymore.

I still look in my back seat and expect to see him grinning at his roly-poly self in that Elmo mirror with a pacifier stuck in his mouth.

I wanted to write about the day of his birth before it escapes me completely as I am beginning to lose details of the scariest day of my life, but that isn't how I want to spend my baby's birthday. I think there's a trip to the comic book store, the Lego store, TRU, and the best Chinese restaurant this side of town in my future.

Ten years ago I became a mom. I figured by now I'd have it all figured out. LOLOLOLOL........

Maybe in the next ten years?