Jacob has been sleeping with me for about a week now. What started out as a way to monitor fevers and keep him doped up at night has now become a semi-habit. I can't say that I am really upset about this yet. In the past year it seems Jacob has grown into a full fledged kid so quickly and he rarely has time to snuggle or spend time with me anymore. He has things to do...stories to write, pictures to draw, Cars to play with. It's understandable, but sad to me nonetheless.

I know I have mentioned before just how exhausting and draining it was to raise Jacob those first years. He definitely wasn't the baby I imagined having all my life, he was hard. He cried almost constantly, spit up rivers, and was just generally unhappy and hard to deal with. The best part of my day was when I heard the garage door go up and knew I could escape from it all or at the very least tag team someone else for a bit so I could get a shower or a beer. I hated feeling like that, I hated dreading daylight and spending time with my child, it was just a horrible feeling.

I can remember, though, the one time of the day I felt a connection to him was at 9:30 each morning. We would sit in the recliner and watch Let's Make a Deal. I don't know what it was about that show, but Jacob loved it and because he was quiet during that half hour, I loved it too. After the Big Deal, he would get drowsy and doze off in my arms and eventually I began kicking up the foot rest and dozing off myself in that chair because I was so afraid to move him, you know why mess with a good thing. So for at least nine months Jacob and I watched our show and snoozed in the chair each and every morning. I miss that. A lot. In fact, I miss a lot of things about Jacob now that he is so big they are distant memories. I would cry to my mom about what a wretched life I had during those days and she would tell me to just enjoy them because they wouldn't be around forever and I would usually hang up on her in a snit because I wanted sympathy, not advice. I mean, why in the world would I miss all day screaming? But, she was right. I would give anything to curl up with baby Jacob in that chair again or read books by the shelf full during afternoon naps like we did the year before Adam was born. In short, I miss Jacob. I miss my baby.

So, I will give him one more night to curl up in the bed and tell me stories, read books, and snuggle, and enjoy it like I should have years ago.

That, and I am tired of waking up with little feet in my ass all night long.