Yes, I am 26

When I was employed, like, by an actual place that gave me a paycheck, I always took my birthday off. I mean, really, it's my day after all, the only day I get all year long, why should I spend it working? I remember some of those birthdays. Sleeping until ten. Spending money with reckless abandon. Eating greasy diner breakfasts and desserts for dinner. Those were some fun times.

I think you should not spend your birthday:


waking before nine

cleaning hairballs off the carpet

mopping rice krispies and spilled soda from the floor

scrubbing lipstick from your fancy duvet

being pooped on

washing your brand new twenty dollar body wash off your two year old

cleaning pee off the bathroom floor, yet again


I do think there should be a clause in the marriage vows that states the husband will take the day off on your birthday and take over all child-rearing, housekeeping, errand-running activities and, just to be fair, vice versa on the husband's day......oh wait.....I already do that.


On your birthday you should:


sleep late

skip school

use a clean bathroom

eat out breakfast, lunch, and dinner

purchase $110 shoes without feeling guilty

use your fancy body wash before it ends up washed down the drain

watch Last Comic Standing on your tivo before someone tells you who won

dress your baby in ladybugs and red gingham just because you can