Monday, October 16, 2006

I Don't Do Monday

I am in a funk. I can't dig myself out of it. I want to lay down and sleep and not get up for days. I want to leave my kids with their dad for an extended period of time and be left completely alone. I have no desire to clean my house, fix a meal, or go anywhere. I am depressed. I have been depressed before, after Jacob was born and at the end of graduate school like 1994 or something and was able to shake it, so I assume will be able to do the same this time, but I feel my funk getting bigger every day and this time I have kids to deal with so that's never good.

I am just mad. Mad at everything and then mad at nothing at all. My kids are driving me crazy because they are just so damn needy and it's not even the necessity needs that drive me nuts, it's the I need more toys, more fun, more undivided attention, more hair to yank, more face to beat, more, more, more. They aren't the only ones. I get email daily from someone wanting me to make meals for someone who just had a baby, or donations for someone's kid's school, or more blood from my turnip and it just grates on my nerves. I know I am totally being selfish here, but not one person did one damn thing for me when I was going through all that hell with my mom. NOT. ONE. PERSON. Now, I didn't really need anything and probably would have turned anything down, but hell, where were the phone calls just to see how my mom was doing? I know every single person at that moms group I belong to knows what happened because I had to inform them I wouldn't be there that Friday to do all the damn jobs I have to do. My friend even told me they brought it up at the meeting, but did any of them call or see how I was doing. Hell no. But, I have sure gotten plenty of emails letting me know not to forget the craft this week and to line up all the day care workers. Bite me. My dad has to go back home to WV this weekend, just like my own husband work comes first in their shallow little world, leaving my mom at the lake ALONE. Alone with her wired together chest, nitroglycerin, and inability to drive. All those friends of hers who wanted to do so much when they thought she might die, now can't even go sit for one day with her because they have to work, have their grandchildren to watch, or have vacations scheduled. I truly understand that people have lives, but you can't spare one day? Of course, she would just roll over and die if she knew I was trying to line up her company for next week because she is convinced she will be just fine there in the boonies all by her lonesome. I, on the other hand, am not so sure. I mean, my Lord, it probably takes her all morning long just to down all the new medications she is now on. What if she were to choke on it all. Oy, just the thought.

How did it become late October? I have Halloween to get ready for too. Can we skip it this year? Would that totally destroy my kid's psyche if we did that? Geez. Of course, the dad signed us up for some ridiculous fall festival at church that seemed like a good idea at the time, but now just seems expensive and bothersome. Oh, and did I mention it's at "our" church? The same church that hasn't called or emailed to ask how my mom is doing or even how my church going husband is doing. The same one that decided not to put my name in the bulletin on my birthday or acknowledge we have Adam, sweetest kid of all time when he's not pulling your hair or poking your eyes out. I really don't want to go to that middle aged high school, but I know we will and we'll pour out tons of money and do tons of work and no one will say thank you or talk to us, just take our candy and run, just like every other time.

I think the whole, "we're moving to Ohio, psych, no we're not" thing has set me off. I think I was okay with it at first, but now that we are in mid-October, about that time we would be packing up and moving out, I am getting a little bitter. Not at my husband, it wasn't a good move for him at the time and he did truly do what he thought was best, but I was so, so, so looking forward to moving. I was really eager (just, for you Sadie) to experience the change of seasons, see the leaves turn colors, play with the dog in the snow, move into a nicer neighborhood, maybe make some friends. It was going to be great. Now it's all just a faded dream and I sit here still with tomorrow's forecast to be in the nineties while I melt away in my little funk. Ohio State is number 1 in the country right now, it really would have been good times. Sigh.

You will have to forgive my funkiness. Hopefully it will be short lived this time. Maybe if blogger will ever let me post some dang pictures I can enlighten you with my son's first attempt at athleticism or just how seriously cute my youngest son is...I mean, really he is. There must be supermodel genes in my lineage somewhere. Why Baby Gap hasn't come calling is beyond me. Oh, and were you able to see Steve Slayton pull it out against Syracuse on Saturday? If he isn't nominated for the Heismann it will be a travesty. I, of course, couldn't see it because I live in Texas and they don't televise good number five ranked football here, but I did thoroughly enjoy the whooping that Auburn gave Florida, and I am not that big of an Auburn fan, being a semi LSU fan by association. Now if Baylor could have just pulled it out against Texas I might be a happy camper. No offense to all you Texas fans, but I am all Texas'd out at the moment and might barf if I see anymore burnt orange.


Sadie said...

You need a new church! And a good doctor. And a trip to the dayspa. Maybe you should quit your stinky Mom's group, sounds like they're just a drain on you.

The move would have been at a perfect time for the fall and the football... I don't blame you for hatin' on Texas.

And thanks for the "eager." Almost makes up for your Dad going to Ark. State... ;) Actually, my husband is getting his doctorate for Ark State right now, and was therefore WEARING his red & black at the game Saturday. We thought it would be cute and charming. We didn't know it would be, you know, EVIL.

andria said...

I think it was in our wedding vows at some point that only the gold and blue should be worn by husband at any time. No cheering for any other teams, ever, no matter what.

Sadie said...

At the beginning of the season I told him it was the only game he didn't have to wear Tiger Blue.

Cause I thought it was a sure victory.

That's what I get, I guess!

Shane said...

You do need a new church! I was depressed when I was pregnant with our youngest. It got bad. My OB put me on meds....Zoloft...while pregnant. It was great and helped tremendously! Hope you feel better soon. :)

maybetomorrow said...

Hey Lady....Sorry you are having a blue day...just stopped by to say hi and thanks for your kind wishes..I skimmed over your blog cause I haven't been around and HOLY CAMOLY... CONGRATS on the new little one..that definately brought a smile to my face when I read the news...
and HOLY CRAPOLA about your mom...sending you guys well wishes...just breathe and today will be over soon enough...if that doesn't work grab your mom and come on over - we can stick your mom and my husband side by side and we can breathe together...
Take care and hugs

Mom to Almost Four said...

Hey Andria!

I hope your today is better! I know for a fact amidst all the bad and difficult days/moments, there is beauty and joy and good. May God bless you with that insight today.

Don't forget I'm around. And I know what you are going through with your mom. My mom had a terrible stroke 10 years ago and it was so diffidult but she is still here and able to love and enjoy her children and grandchildren.

Bless you today! Bless your family - husband and children. And bless that little baby you are growing. What a joy - it truly is! Hard and tiring - YES!!!!! I know. Wonderful and worth it - YES!

Much love!

Michelle said...

I seem to get in those funky moods from time to time too - when I just don't know what exactly is wrong, but I feel like just running away somewhere with no responsibilities! Here's hoping your funk doesn't last long!

firstborn said...

hang in there andria!!!