Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I'll Take Some Cheese With my Whine

In nine more days I will have a baby.

I should be excited about that. I am not really that excited about that.

I am worried and stressed and fearful, but excited, no.

First of all, I am scared to death of another c-section. My first one went allright, aside from the six weeks it took me to recover from it, but the last one was just horrifying. It started badly and went from there. The nurse struggled to place an iv for what seemed like forever and I still have scars on my arms and hands from it. I think she stuck me about twelve different places. They didn't want to epidural me too early and, God forbid, my doctor come in and deliver my baby before morning so they gave me a dose of staidol they said would wear off in two hours. Try ten hours. It screwed with me. Fast forward to the OR and the epidural dude couldn't get the needle in my back, he kept hitting a nerve making me jump, totally involuntary I assure you, but it didn't stop that bitchy nurse from screaming at me to stop one inch from my nose...yeah, it's nice when the nurses have some people skills. By that time I was in a complete panic attack with the highly competent nurse screaming at me to stop panicking (ever had a panic attack? yeah, can't turn those on and off) and then she pretty much threw me onto the table and strapped me down with all the force she could muster. I know I pissed her off by showing up that night because I heard her tell the nurse at the desk that "damn, now I have to work" but, come on. So, I'm laying there in a full panic attack with my mind still blowing in and out from the drugs when the drug guy behind me thought it best to give me an oxygen mask. Did I ever mention that I don't do things on my face? There is no Pin the Tail on the Donkey for me, no pinata time, no snorkeling on our Bahamian vacation. The face, off limits, don't know why, just is. So when drug guy put that mask on me and I couldn't free my hands to pull it off, let's just say it wasn't pretty. Really pissed off monster nurse. They finally freed me from the facial prison in time for my husband to show up and get started. The birth itself went allright, we were shown the baby, they cleaned him up and Dad took off for the nursery with him leaving me sprawled out on that table again. By this time, drug dude had given me "something to calm me" at the request of my doctor so I was doing better, although I still had that weird staidol hangover interfering with my calm off and on. After a while I start to realizing that it was taking a much longer time to stitch me up compared to last time and so I started paying some attention to the conversation in the room. Drug dude asked if my uterus could be saved, OB said he was working on it, Nurse Monster asked if more blood was needed, OB gave her my blood type and sent her on, Someone asked "what do we do now?" and I started to freak again. WTF??? It didn't help that the nice drug guy who had been talking to me and soothing me was starting to freak out as well. I just knew I was going to die there. I didn't ask what was going on because, frankly, I didn't really want to know, but eventually different nurse came over, explained that my bladder had ruptured while pulling the baby out due to adhesions from the previous section and my mind went back to the moment an hour before when I was signing all the waivers and being told that I had a 2% chance of adhesions and a 3% chance of death, at which point OB looked over the curtain and said he had repaired everything, no big deal, but I would have to stay in the hospital a while longer and get a few extra days of morphine (Hallelujah)....then he asked if I was having anymore kids because he really wanted to tie my tubes because he didn't really want to have to perform another c-section on me again. He even had monster nurse go fetch the papers, which you are to sign BEFORE surgery. He seemed okay when I told him I really didn't want to have to do that and I never thought much about that conversation again, having tried to forget every detail of that hour, until the past few months. I have this horrible feeling that we will be repeating the same procedure all over again. My doctor hasn't said a word about being worried this time, but what can he say? It has to be done, I can't stay pregnant forever. So, sometimes I think, what if I die during this c-section? What would happen to my kids? I have mentioned that I fear death right? Not so much the dying itself, but the leaving my kids and family and missing out on so much.

So, that dampers my excitement a bit.....

Also, what in the world am I supposed to do with this baby? We tried to put a car seat in my car and there was no way Jacob could strap in with it. If I ever want to go somewhere, I will only be able to take two kids. Or buy a new car. But my car is paid for and a new car would require another payment blowing out of the pocket book every month. Essentially, if we have to purchase a new vehicle, Jacob is going to public school and I do think he would get beaten up every day there what with his weirdness, ADD, and the fact that we live in a pretty rough neighborhood and he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. There is also no closet space, no drawer space, and although this baby has a crib, Adam is now out one room and I have no idea where he will end up.

Plus, I have been trying to cram in all kinds of one-on-one time with each of my kids to the point of exhaustion. Jacob and I went strawberry picking with some of his friends this afternoon...at a farm with lots of mud. We are doing a wildlife park later this week and I have promised Adam a whole morning at that wretched mouse place one day. I really feel I need to do this because I know my time will be limited very soon, but it's taking a toll. I hurt and I'm tired and trying not to let that make me cranky with my kids because, you know, if I die and everything I don't want them to remember bitchy mommy, nice and loving mommy would go over so much better.

This really turned into a complete whine fest, sorry about that. I am 37 weeks pregnant and highly hormonal, shoot, I am surprised I didn't cry while typing this. I guess one thing to be excited about getting this over with is the fact that I will go home with a scrip for vicodin (helps me sleep, really), the hospital has awesome food (and you can wheel it right up to your chin while you lay in bed!), oh, and that baby everyone is so ready to see. It won't be long now.


ChupieandJ'smama said...

DEEP BREATH IN, DEEP BREATH OUT. {Ok, go to your happy place}. I can only imagine the amount of stress you feel right now. Your last C-Section sounds like a horror show. I'm keeping you in my prayers (so that part will be fine). I know we have 9 months to prepare, but it all falls apart and seems like we've thought about nothing in those last few days. It will all work out. How do I know this? Because it has to and because it always does. You will be fine. The kids will be fine. The new baby will be fine. Your hubby will probably feel like he's living in He!! for a few months but eventually he'll be fine too.
Prayers and good thoughts going out for all of you.

Sadie said...

Bless your heart.

I wish I had some words that would help you, but I can only say that I will be thinking about you and praying for you. I'm sure all will be well. And your kids will adjust to their new Petunia just fine. ;)

Lori said...

(((((hugs, hugs, and MORE HUGS!!))))

You are making me remember my last couple of nights before Landon was born SO vividly!!! I wrote out a letter to both Colin and Kelly until about 1am telling them how much I loved them and would miss them if something happened to me. I bawled and bawled through it all. I then went in to labor at 4:30 when my c/s was scheduled for 12pm later that day. It was crazy!!

Please know that you will be in my prayers. I know that there really isn't anything that anyone can say to help, but just know that I'm thinking of you.

More ((((hugs)))) coming your way girl!

JNas said...

I know exactly how you feel on all points! I don't have any wise words for you except hey at least your not having twins!

Tracey said...

Oh Andria... I'm sorry you're so stressed. And I understand your fears. Though I didn't have the c-sections, I had a surgery when the boys were 6 and 3. I was terrified.

Have you talked to your doctor about your experience last time? He has probably forgotten or didn't realize it was so horrible for you, as he was on the other end of the knife. Definitely no Stadol (I had a bad experience, too. Loopy as shit). Definitely request the most patient and understanding nurse who knows you have issues with the face, panic attacks, and c-sections. Can your husband be with you from the first moment? Patrick is always able to calm me down faster than any stranger could.

I'm thinking of you. I understand the need for one on one time. Remember that the new baby will be more transportable than you think. Put him/her in a carrier and they tend to sleep or just chill rather than need constant attention. Have you tried the car seats in all different positions? Is Jacob in a booster or a car seat? A booster tends to be harder to squeeeeze into a car as they have to get that buckle up. Can you put him on the other side? And put Adam in the middle? What about going to the police station and asking for their help? they have big strong men to sit on your car seats and get them in tightly so you don't have to manuever your belly around.

Good luck and I hope you can take it easy. The new baby WILL be a good thing. And you WILL be happy once he/she arrives!

OneHungMan said...

Supposedly you won't feel the same way after the little bundle of joy is here. In no time you're going to wonder how you spent your days without three children.

Hang in there.

Lynsey said...

I agree with onehung...I think you'll adjust just fine! Give yourself some credit, you're a wonderful mother who has more than enough love to go around! It may spread a little thin at times I'm sure, but you'll be just fine! :)
Lots of wishes and prayers are being sent your way!

Lynanne said...

I feel for you, I really do. I can relate to what you are going through. I have plenty of cheesy whine on my blog to prove it. My previous c-section was uneventful other then nearly passing out at the beginning. My husband was seriously freaked because it took a while for them to stabilize my blood pressure. Luckily, I was oblivious to it all. I must have been in la-la land.

We have no idea what we are going to do about my car. I can fit 2 carseats but not 2 more kids. Ugh!