Well, the teacher conference didn't go as well as I had hoped. It went about how I expected, but I was really hoping she would say that Jacob has matured immensely and is just the best all around kid that ever lived, I'm a dreamer that way, but no. It pretty much went down as I figured.
The teacher is still recommending transitional kindergarten emphatically. Of course, in the end it is our decision since academically she has no basis to hold him back, but really, I wish someone had just said HEY, this is the way it's going to be, deal with it. I am not a good decision maker. I mean, my newest kid is two weeks away from arrival and still doesn't have a name or a car seat, I'm supposed to carve my kid's future in a couple weeks?
We still haven't heard anything back from the psychologist who is doing the evaluations. In fact, she left a message pushing back the last part of the testing another day which has highly ticked off the dad. We wanted that information and advice before we had to decide what to do, like next week. I am pretty confident he will be diagnosed with ADD. The teacher still thinks he has Aspergers based on somebody's adopted Russian kid she met once, but given the scale I was given on both, I don't think that will be an issue. Here is where I am at with it: If he does prove to have ADD and need medication or even alternative coping skills would it be better to hold him back that year and deal with those issues while the work is still somewhat familiar to him and he's not dealing with the challenge that is first grade? OR, do we go ahead with first grade because, obviously, he can do the work and work with these behavior issues along with the newness of all day school and more seat work? Would that be too much for him? It's all lose-lose to me at this point. Hold him back, he's graduating high school at 19, seeing his classmates go on to the next grade, and not getting any more actual learning time. Send him on and his behavior could continue to be an issue, he may never catch up socially and lag behind his peers forever....but he might learn more math skills. OR, I could always home school him, but how is that helping him learn social skills? Dilemma......
I went up to the school this morning to attend chapel and when I found that they had cancelled chapel (thanks for telling me) went out and observed Jacob on the playground with the rest of the kindergarten kids. The teacher is right. He's a follower and less mature than the other kids. I knew that already, but it was interesting to witness what she sees everyday. In my experience as a teacher, you can learn a lot about a kid on the playground.
Now, this situation isn't a hopeless one. I know so many other parents deal with so much more than a little immaturity, but I think every parent just goes into it thinking their child will be the most popular, well-adjusted, intelligent human being ever to grace the earth, so it's hard to hear that some people think your child is kind of weird. The fact remains though.....he is a little weird. I love him, but God bless him, he's weird. So, for that, I am beginning to lean toward the transitional class. My husband, on the other hand, is not. We shall see how it turns out soon.....these, I am afraid, are the days of our lives.
10 comments:
I'm sorry that this is such a difficult situation. I hope the psychologist gets the testing completed and an answer to you soon. I'm keeping you in my prayers. I know you will make the right decision by Jacob. You're a good mom, Andria.
I didn't know you posted, I actually came here to say that I tagged you.
Definitely a rock and hard place. I tend to think that Colin is not going to do all that well socially either. He LOVE, love, LOVES this kid at church that hits him and calls him stupid, WTF?? He cries when it happens and then runs back for more. I'll post on that when I get a chance, b/c I certainly don't know what to do.
(((hugs))) we all want our kids to be perfect and loved and accepted, even adored by friends and teachers, but they are exactly who God intended them to be. He's a good kid, and you guys are going to make the best decision possible with all of the information that you have available. That's all any of us can do.
Good luck making the decision, and just be at peace that you're doing everything out of love and concern for your precious little guy...he knows that now, and will know that years from now too.
It's things like this that make OneHung wish it was 1977 again. Most of these syndromes that every kid seems to have now wasn't an issue back then. As a parent you simply sent your kids to school when they were old enough and took your chances.
The Hungs are facing the reality that YoungHung might not (read: definitely isn't going to) start school on time. His day care lady says he isn't, his speech lady can't say yet, his father figures whatever is the worst that can happen is what will happen.
There is such a negative connotation with holding a child back that OneHung doesn't want to go that route, plus OneHung is ready now for the child to leave and go far away for college and another year at home doesn't interest Daddy a bit.
Socially, YoungHung is a lot like OneHung...he doesn't have a problem playing with others, but isn't going to shed any tears if he's left by himself so if he has to leave his classmates, he won't care.
Since you mentioned that Jacob is more of a follower, it might not be devastating for him to stay back a year, especially at his age. OneHung didn't stay back a year, but changed schools after the second grade and then again after the fifth grade...and look how well he turned out.
Ok, don't do that, you'll just end up feeling worse.
Andria, you're smarter than anyone else in blogland when it comes to these things, so in a sense, OneHung is glad you have to deal with this as opposed to some idiot (read: OneHung) who has no idea what's going on.
OneHung totally trusts your judgement in matters like this and he'd bet the house that you make the right call. And, you know that all your friends out here will support whatever you decide to do.
Hang in there.
I think if he can do the work then you shouldn't hold him back. I think he will do great in first grade, and when you get the behavior and maturity worked out he will be right on schedule! When our 9 year old was in first grade he was taking chemotherapy and it made him act like he had ADD. He struggled through first grade and the teacher suggested we hold him back but we decided not to. Now he is in fourth grade and progressing nicely now that he is off the medication and his behavior has improved! He did go out of the class for some one on one work an hour or so out of the day in 1st and 2nd grade!!
Good luck on your decision, I know you will make the right one!!
Ah, yes. Whoever said we were qualified to make such important decisions, anyhow? With Justin's ADHD, it might have benefitted him to have been held back a year, but academically, he is ahead, so that would have actually made matters worse! If Jacob is academically ready, I would probably go ahead and put him in the next grade. If he is ADD, then will the private school cater to his needs? I.E. put him up front, give him reminders to stay on task, allow him to have extra check lists, etc. ??
Good luck.
Hope you get that name soon!
Ugh...we faced this dillema with our youngest son who had a summer birthday. Should we start him at barely 5 knowing that he would have social/behavioral issues (autism) or should we hold him back a year to give him time to mature?
Our feeling was he was ahead academically and that holding him back would cause boredom the rest of his school years. His behavior might improve with age but academically he would always be ahead.
The school suggested we wait because a teacher could give advanced work more easily than s/he could help with behavioral issues. From experience with our older son, we knew this sounded good in theory but is rarely done. We also knew that a bored child has more behavioral problems than one who is adequately challenged.
Had our child been average in his class we probably would have stuck to the advice of the school. That way, the following year he'd be at the top of his class which would help self-confidence.
As it turned out, we went on our gut instinct. The testing hinted that he was bright but we suspected his behavior was interferring with the test. This turned out to be the case. He was retested when he was 8 and we found he very bright(a child can have artificially low scores but not high ones). Academically, he could be advanced a grade. Socially he is now right where he should be. He's happy in school and the teachers are thrilled with his progress. It took a few years of worrying that we made the right choice (he's now in 3rd grade) but now we are convinced we made the right decision.
Not that this is what you should do. I have another friend in a similar situation who held her son back (he has AS). She is happy that she did since his social issues have proved harder to address.
Whew...how's that for a long rambling comment?
Just so you know, we have decided to retain our eldest for next year. He will be doing Kindergarten again but probably as part of the afternoon class of olders (Moons) as opposed to the morning class (Suns) he is currently in, comprised of younger children.
Our reasons are completely different. As you may remember, he had a rough start this year that really shook his confidence. He is really hard on himself and unwilling to work at things that don't come easy for him.
It's a hard decision because he's really verbal and very bright, he's just on the young side in his maturity and coping skills. Does that make sense?
I'm getting a lot of flack about it from some of my friends because he is so bright but he still cries at school and has a hard time separating at times.
He has a summer birthday so he will still graduate high school at 18, he'll just go to college (fingers crossed here) at 19. I'm ok with that. I don't mind sending a 19 year old away to school. In fact, I feel pretty good about it.
Like I said, my guy has completely different stuff going on but I just wanted to reach out to you.
This is not an easy decision to make.
I'm with Lynann in worrying that boredom with the work would probably lead to worse behavior issues. JMO though.
I know very little about education or kids, so I won't even attempt to offer advice.
I'll only say that based on what I know about you, I'm sure you will make the right decision. You have the experience and knowledge, and you are his mother. All you can do is make the best decision you can with the information you have. You'll make the right one.
Our 3rd son is repeating 2nd grade this year. He is very socially immature. Or, I should say, was. He's having a WONDERFUL year! While the work is not new to him, we're finding that his newly found social skills are really taking up quite a bit of his time and we are glad he's working on something he's familiar with because he might not being doing as well with new material to learn as well as learning how to make, keep, have friends. For us, it was a no brainer...sounds like your dilemma is a little tougher....
Good luck to you. I know you'll make the decision that is right for Jacob.
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