Adam is my baby.
I cannot fathom a time when he will not be the baby.
I am sad knowing he can keep that title for only twelve more days.
Adam is my baby. He is my Mama's boy. He has been completely attached to me since the moment we met, to him my arms belong to him, ready to scoop him up at each beck and call, always there for him. How is he going to understand when a tiny baby is filling them great portions of the day? How do you explain this to a two year old?
Each morning after we take Jacob to school, Adam climbs into the recliner with me and we sit. Sometimes we watch tv (God bless him, he likes the Today show), sometimes I knit, most of the time we talk to Gammy on the phone, but daily we sit. Once I came home and started to get busy on housework right away and he took my hand and the remote and led me to the chair. That's when I realized that it was important to him, it was his routine. I never meant to start that with him, but he expects it and that's what we do. I love our time in the chair. Even though he doesn't speak, we have "conversations" and most of time I know what he's talking about. He rubs my hair and gives me kisses. He loves to see the big Smuckers jar on the tv when they are celebrating the birthdays. He is happy. I am happy. We are happy doing nothing, be it ten minutes or forty minutes. I keep thinking ahead and wondering how I will fit chair time into our day with our little stranger. I am not ready to give that up AND I am not ready to share it yet. Only twelve more days of undivided chair time.
About two weeks before Jacob was born, I sobbed one entire evening because I was not ready for his only-childedness to end. I just knew we were ruining his life by bringing in this new creature who would require time and energy and send Jacob clinging to the sidelines of the family like our poor animals had done four years before. I knew I could not love another child as fiercely and pure as I did my first born...how was that even possible? What had we done to our family?
I feel like that again. I want more baby time with Adam. I feel robbed of his littleness because I know how big he will become between the time they wheel me back to the OR and after I return from recovery. I know I will love this baby, but I don't feel it right now, instead I am filled with dread over losing my second baby. I'm not ready to share our chair.
Total Eclipse of the Mind
7 hours ago