Saturday, April 07, 2007

What About Adam?

Adam is my baby.

I cannot fathom a time when he will not be the baby.

I am sad knowing he can keep that title for only twelve more days.

Adam is my baby. He is my Mama's boy. He has been completely attached to me since the moment we met, to him my arms belong to him, ready to scoop him up at each beck and call, always there for him. How is he going to understand when a tiny baby is filling them great portions of the day? How do you explain this to a two year old?

Each morning after we take Jacob to school, Adam climbs into the recliner with me and we sit. Sometimes we watch tv (God bless him, he likes the Today show), sometimes I knit, most of the time we talk to Gammy on the phone, but daily we sit. Once I came home and started to get busy on housework right away and he took my hand and the remote and led me to the chair. That's when I realized that it was important to him, it was his routine. I never meant to start that with him, but he expects it and that's what we do. I love our time in the chair. Even though he doesn't speak, we have "conversations" and most of time I know what he's talking about. He rubs my hair and gives me kisses. He loves to see the big Smuckers jar on the tv when they are celebrating the birthdays. He is happy. I am happy. We are happy doing nothing, be it ten minutes or forty minutes. I keep thinking ahead and wondering how I will fit chair time into our day with our little stranger. I am not ready to give that up AND I am not ready to share it yet. Only twelve more days of undivided chair time.

About two weeks before Jacob was born, I sobbed one entire evening because I was not ready for his only-childedness to end. I just knew we were ruining his life by bringing in this new creature who would require time and energy and send Jacob clinging to the sidelines of the family like our poor animals had done four years before. I knew I could not love another child as fiercely and pure as I did my first was that even possible? What had we done to our family?

I feel like that again. I want more baby time with Adam. I feel robbed of his littleness because I know how big he will become between the time they wheel me back to the OR and after I return from recovery. I know I will love this baby, but I don't feel it right now, instead I am filled with dread over losing my second baby. I'm not ready to share our chair.


ChupieandJ'smama said...

I remember after my second son was born feeling sad (actually mourning) because I had lost that special time I had with my first son. It is so normal and natural to feel this way. I swear it took me a good month to feel like the new baby was really a part of our family. I loved him, but sometimes I'd look at him and think "who the heck is this kid"? Adam will adjust. It may take a little time, but he will. And you will too. After the hormones settle down, life will be "normal" for you. I can't believe the new baby is due in 12 days!
Have a blessed Easter!

Lynanne said...

I have felt the same way every time I've had a child. First I was afraid I was minimizing my relationship with my husband. Then I worried that we had a second child too soon. Next I feared we waited too long and the boys wouldn't want to deal with the "baby stuff" in the house again. Now, I again feel like I'm taking away my daughters babyhood.

It's all how you look at it. Each of my children will always be my baby even though they are no longer the youngest. I try to spend one-on-one time with each of them even if it doesn't happen very often. Maybe you can try this too. Keep up your chair time even if if has to be postponed until the baby naps. Call it "Adam Time" to make him feel special.

Your time may be limited but the amount of love a mother's heart can hold is infinite. You aren't changing your family for the worse or robbing your youngest of your love and attention - you are enriching his life in ways that are beyond measure. How many only children wish they would have had a sibling? But, do you hear many adults say they wish they never had any siblings growing up?

Besides - Adam is going to have a extra special new role in the family. He gets to be both a little brother AND a big brother. He is going to be so proud of his title when he gets a little older!

JNas said...

I know the feeling! Maybe you will get lucky and your new stranger will be sleeping during chair time!!

Lori said...

(((hugs))), I remember that feeling myself. It's never easy, but some day soon you will wonder how you ever lived without this this little one as well.

Keep that chair time special for just the two of you. You never know...Adam may want his little brother or sister to share it with you guys one day!