As I sat here, ass in recliner with a sleeping baby sprawled across me because she'll sleep no other way, I channel surfed my way to a show called Bringing Home Baby. Have you seen this? It follows a family home from the hospital with their new baby and records their first 36 hours. Ah, ha, ha, ha, let the train wreck begin, I thought as I returned the remote to it's home. I watched and waited for the meltdowns, the all night crying, and round the clock feedings, but they never happened. Please tell me they edit the bad stuff out to encourage all the unsuspecting non-parents to hop on board the baby train. This is what I saw:
Family number one brings home a sweet baby boy. They place sweet baby boy in bassinet and go about his business. He sleeps all afternoon with nary a peep. Fast forward to dinner and family is eating peacefully while baby naps in his bouncy seat. He whimpers a bit, which disturbs the mommy, but goes immediately back to sleep. After a commercial break, Mommy talks to the camera about how little baby didn't go to sleep until 10 and was up at 3:30 to eat and she was, oh so tired when she woke up at 8 am. I would kill to sleep until 3:30, it would be like vacation to me. Don't even get me started on the 8 am thing.
Family number two, well, they got home around noon, slapped that baby into the pack and play and proceeded to throw a huge party complete with do-it-yourself margarita bar and a pony keg. If their baby woke to eat in the middle of the night they didn't know about it as they were nursing hangovers the next day. My kid is six. I still don't feel like entertaining.
Is this for real? If so, I got seriously gipped three times over.
I wish I had known about this show before I had Elizabeth. I would have so signed up. My episode would go like this:
Family gets home and immediately attempts to locate clothes, diapers, and bathing necessities for third child. In that process, first child leaves home and isn't missed for ten minutes and then crazy parents go screaming for him through the neighborhood. After that, parents plus one grandparent attempt to quiet screaming infant over and over again. Dinner time arrives and promised meal doesn't show and kids are crying for food. Finally get something on the table at 8 pm just as promised meal shows up at the door. Parents feel like ungrateful fools while trying to hide food on table by blocking the view. Episode doesn't have a sleep time segment as there is no sleep time, just a series of small naps between crying and feeding. Next day, dad heads off to work leaving grandma and mom alone with three children, one of which gets driven to school late with his teeth and hair unbrushed. No one else dresses for the day. Repeat this several times while mommy grows crankier, sleepier, and stinkier and you have our show.
Yeah, 3:30 sounds awesome......
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