45

Soon we will have spent an entire month (April) having gone no where.  

Crazy.

Cases continue to rise in our county, our city, our state but heaven forbid we stay in a moment longer. Texas is opening most everything on May 1 (Friday).    We can go see a movie!   Eat inside a restaurant!  Go to the museum!   Might get a virus and die, but what the hell??   Texas is open!

The authorities ask that you wear a mask to cut down on transmission but do want to know what the hell happened?   The POLICE FORCE sent out a snarky nasty gram saying they were never going to enforce that and it was unconstitutional!   The POLICE!   People were out protesting.   Over.  Wearing. A.  Mask.   Things have been pretty shitty in our country for a while now but I do have to say, that was the point where I realized people are complete assholes.    I just don't understand why someone would be against trying to keep their fellow man well.   I am so sad to see this state of our world.   The saddest thing is my husband is right there with them.  Shit, he'll probably be first in line to get to a movie, any movie.  And that, my friends, is where I have some decisions to make.  He hasn't stayed a whole day in this house since this started.   He makes up shit he has to do just so he can go out.   Up to this point his options were pretty limited, but NOW, he can go anywhere he wants, except to get a hair cut.    He doesn't care what he brings home to us.   He's all, it will be what it will be, if we get sick, if we die, that is God's will but do you know what will likely happen?   He will get it and not get sick at all and it will be ME dying.    I half wonder if this is part of a bigger plan.  Maybe that is what he is trying to do?  I know!   That sounds insane but he just.  doesn't   care.

Jacob will be done at college in about two weeks.   We do not really know when because he won't tell us, but he REFUSES to stay and do summer classes so he will have to come home.  He hasn't changed a damn thing about his life the past nine weeks.  He still goes out, he still meets friends, probably still licks poles like he did when he was two.   So, I have done everything possible to keep us virus free inside this home yet if it isn't already here buy my husband it surely will get here through my son.  

We aren't getting away from it.   Just because it's open doesn't mean it's safe.   I am more scared than I have ever been.  

39

Well, Texas is reopening this week.  

Never said we had smart people here.

Of course, most of Texas has been just going about their business anyway.  

I went out for the first time since March 18 this Sunday (April 19).    We drove over to my mom's house here in town because my sister bought my mom a damn plant for Christmas and she wanted me to check on it.   I could not BELIEVE the amount of cars out.   Then we passed the Little Walmart and it the lot was more full than I have ever seen it.  

It was hard to be at my mom's house.   Especially on a Sunday.   Especially on Elizabeth's birthday.   Before all this, we had dinner there every Sunday afternoon.   I realized then how much I had taken it for granted.   I cried a lot.    My parents should have been there.   We should have had homemade peanut butter cake and barbecue and celebrated together but NO.   My parents are four hours away at their other home and it poured down rain and this was the best I could do:

She was surpised.    She actually woke up before I did and dressed herself.   

We were supposed to go down to Galveston to the Pleasure Pier, ride rides, eat deep dish pizza at Marios and then stay in a beach house over night and miss school the next day!  

Well, we missed school.  

I cried a lot.   This pissed everybody off because it really should have been a happy day but I couldn't help it, this is hard.   My child should have a good birthday.  She wanted to see her grandparents and she couldn't and we have no idea when we can see them again.  SURE, Texas is reopening but this virus isn't going away just because the governor says it's okay.  I really don't feel safe going out, especially now that more people will believe it is safe and go out and spread it even more.  We haven't even hit a peak yet, more people dying every day, but by all means, go to Hobby Lobby so you can get a new cross for your wall.  

There was an ad on Facebook a couple days ago from a Subway restaurant here in town that showed a picture of people standing in line pretty close together (on their phones of course) and stated that they were open, you could come in and order and eat.   Really?  According to the "recovery czar" (really, that's a thing in Houston) all businesses are curbsude only but here is Subway wanting you to feel all "normal" again.  THAT is why this is going to be a complete shit show.  No one is going to follow the rules.  In two weeks I foresee deaths and cases tripling and these dumbasses wondering why.  And I want to know who the hell would risk their own life for disgusting Subway sandwich.   I worked there once.   Don't eat there.   THAT places is not safe any given day.  

I just wish this virus would go away.  I don't really understand a lot of the political aspects to this, all I see is fear for our health, but my friend, Rosemary, she LOVES that shit and she called me earlier this week.   In Texas City, our next town over, many residents in a nursing home there contracted the virus a few weeks ago.   It was devastating news.  The doctor in charge of treating them gave them all a combination of arithromycin and hydroxychloroquine.   All 39 cases have recovered and did so in record amount of time, especially for elderly patients.  Why are our politicians dismissing this?   Shouldn't we try anything we can?   I would love to see more study on this and possibly get to a point that when you get a positive test you get a prescription for both the same as tamiflu.  I don't understand why that isnt' happening.  Again, I don't understand a lot of these things and I may be missing something but isn't it worth a shot?   I don't agree with the president either and I am ready for a change, but shouldn't we put those differences aside and do the best for our country and our world? 

I think making deals is a stage of grief.   

Maybe our governor is at that stage.  

32

The weather in South Texas has been beautiful.  At least there is that.   

I bought myself a lounge chair and have been enjoying it in the sunshine.  

Those are my daytime pajamas.  

I consider myself fairly introverted but I have been needing to feel part of something so I moved my chair out front so I could at least see cars go by (way too many cars).

I just moved it out back again.

Our neighbors are freaking idiots.   

I was sitting pretty close to my front door and damn if a lady on a bicycle didn't drive right on up my sidewalk which is TOO CLOSE.  She could have crossed the street when she saw someone but, nope.    Then there is a man who apparently can't do zoom calls in his home so he stands right out in front of my house to do them.   Today he was TOO CLOSE.

  I watch people pass each other and no one moves, there are two sides of the street dingbats!  Some actually stand out there and chat!   

My next door neighbor walked out her front door and instead of using her sidewalk, she walked through my yard to get to her car.  She probably walked within three feet of me.   WTF?   

So I decided it wasn't worth it because seeing these dumbasses just makes me want to move and the backyard seems like a safer place.  

How in hell will we function when they say it's all open?   There will still be virus.    

Safe to assume I am a germaphobe now.

31

That's a whole month ya'll....

Wow.

Just wow.

I woke up today in all kinds of pain.   I have had what I thought was some kidney pain, maybe a bladder infection coming on with my lower back for a couple days.  This morning almost my entire body hurt.   It is pretty apparent I don't have a kidney infection.   It has to be that bed.    What is strange is I sleep well up there (until the neighbors wake up).    That new pad helps the bed but it is still so very hard and I apparently, in my old age, can't do a hard bed.   My sleep number is 30 and sometimes 25 so it's bad.

I am currently washing all the sheets in "my old bedroom" and may have to try again tonight.   I really, really don't want to sleep with him during this.   I still fear he is bringing it home and I social distance from him here in the house as best as I can.  

See?

Spending time together the covid way.

I have even moved to the old recliner because Derick always sits in the good one every evening.   It's cloth so probably covered in germs.  The chair probably isn't helping things.

Adam needs a hair cut and I can't figure out how to do it.  We used to have clippers but Derick sold them for a dollar in a garage sale.   Of course he did.  They are over $50 on Amazon and can't get them until May.   He is losing his mind.   He likes to look good.  His hair is pretty long.

For him.

Thank God for Marco Polo.   My friend Eve and Julie and I just send each other videos all day.   Our bad days usually don't sync so we can lift the sad one up when needed.   I Facetime my mom every day.   She sits in front of a window and the sun coming through washes her all out and I can barely see her but I can see her.   Still trying to figure out how to get them some groceries.

Elizabeth's birthday is Sunday.   It's going to be interesting.   So far we have no plans.   Imagine that.

Twelve years ago today.   

I feel so sad for all of these kids, all around the world.   So much for them to deal with and try to understand.  

Her principal called me yesterday, concerned about her lack of initiative.   She assured me that we are not alone in this situation, many children are struggling BUT if she fails she'll be doing more online school in the summer as well as forgoing electives to take "Target Language Arts" and Target Math". In other words, remedial classes.   I wanted her retained, they refuse.   I thought losing her theatre and athletics electives might be just the push she needed but she's still in bed, no work has been done.   

I just want to wake up from this bad dream.   

What Day is This?

I think we are on Day 30?   Don't quote me on that.  

Our life seems so strange, I know it is that way for everyone, but everything was "normal" when we left for Colorado and changed quickly while we were gone.   When we returned there was no school, no work, no hanging out.  My kids are depressed, I am depressed, my husband seems happy as a clam, but what do I know?   He's never been one to show much emotion.

Pre-lockdown my days were like this:

Wake up, shower, wake kids, get them off to school, watch the Today show, teach 2-3 year old three days a week, chat with friends, stop at someplace for lunch maybe hit the grocery store, Check the computer for all the "news", connect on Facebook, clean my house, do the laundry, start supper, take kids to activities, pick kids up from activities, watch said activities, eat supper, watch tv, watch more tv, go to bed.   Lather, rinse, repeat most days.

Today:  Wake up around 9ish, lie in Jacob's bed  and decide if it's worth getting up.   Eventually rise because Jacob's window faces our street and our neighbor is still doing cross-fit classes in his garage and they are loud.  Go downstairs and disinfect all doorknobs, counters, switches, basically anything I know Derick has touched or breathed on.  I no longer turn on the Today show because when I was my anxiety levels were way too high.  I do try to catch Hoda and Jenna, they are a little more light-hearted, but usually the television is off.  I log onto the computer to check school assignments but I no longer cruise my Yahoo News or anything remotely similar.   Sometimes I check Facebook but if there are too many scary ads, nope, it goes off.  At the beginning I wasn't eating at all, much less Jersey Mikes Subs and Sonic.  I lost ten pounds in two weeks.   I am right where I have been trying to be for the past year but I can't put on my two piece swimsuit and go to the beach.    Now I am eating more but it's sad.  I don't want the things in my pantry and then I feel guilt because my poor parents have no milk, fresh produce, or snacks.  Sometimes at this point I might sit and cry.    I attempt to nap some days but that never comes.   My anxiety and heart rate is too high for this.  I do the laundry, mostly just towels now because no one is going to school so pajamas are the only things in the baskets.   I attempt to come up with something for a meal, sometimes I am luckier than other times.   My kids never like what I cook so I am just cooking for Derick, really.   After dinner I used to bathe and then wind down from my busy day but climbing into my adjustable bed and watch Antenna TV (Archie Bunker's Place, Alice, It's a Living, Three's Company) and some days catch the shows I love:  Manifest, 9-1-1, The Resident, Chicago Med.   Not anymore.  I haven't been in my bedroom for over a week.   I always took that time for myself, I needed it, my self care I guess.   Derick always complained while he watched his own shows out in the living room but, really, most evenings he had chamber meetings or boy scout meetings.  Now we usually watch Netflix.   Together.   In the living room.  It's actually kind of nice.  Or was until Derick stayed up later than me one night and moved too far ahead on Ozark.  Maybe we will find something again after he finishes it.

Its just interesting that what was once so important isn't so much anymore.  I play games on Sporcle, it's fun, but I actually brought my computer to Colorado and West Virginia so I couldn't miss a day.   The site gives badges for all kinds of things and I couldn't miss because I had to get the 100 day and 150 day etc.   It seems ignorant now to even think of it.   I was up to 170 days until it went back to 0 last week.   I wasn't even phased by it.  I haven't even logged in since.  

Yesterday afternoon.

Well, late in the afternoon.   They slept until 3:30 and I finally decided we needed a family meeting to discuss that situation and, let's just say, I was pretty persuasive.   Also, they would do anything to have their internet back.

It was a nice evening.  I would be okay doing this again.   And again.

Our lives will never go back to normal.   Some of those things I will really miss.   Some of the changes are welcomed.  

Day 25

I think...

Well, maybe I don't have it.   My chest still hurts when I cough but the heating pad helped my back and neck and my temperature went down.   Of course I haven't gotten out of bed yet so we'll see how it goes.

Elizabeth's birthday is in nine days.   She wants to go to Gammy's for Easter for the egg hunt.   She wants to have a party at Miss Julie's with her friends.   Not going to happen.   She woke up at 6 pm yesterday and went back to bed at 9.    It's safe to assume she is depressed.  She has done no school work.   She signed up to be in Advanced Theatre and has looked forward to it since last year.   She was asked to do a video audition this week and she won't.   Eh, she'll just take art she said.   This is hard on me, I can't imagine what it is doing to them.

Like I said, it is 9:23 and I am still in bed.   What's the point?   If I stay up here I won't have to go down there and sterilize everything Derick has touched and breathed all over yesterday.  I bought many bags of chips on Sunday (delivery) and he stuck his foul hands in every single one last night and one time he even rubbed his nose with the back of his hand first.  So much for that.  Might as well write his damn name on all of them.  I will probably throw them away.

I found this in my files.

I miss those Froggy jammies.   I forgot how she always did that with her ear.   I don't know why.   She kept a pacifier until she was almost five.   Yes.  You read that correctly.   By that time she only had it in bed at night or in the car.  I was absolutely okay with it because she was my third child and it made her happy.  

In January of 2012  my mother's best friend passed away from breast cancer.   Elizabeth was four.   They had the viewing/funeral in their hometown which is about an hour and a half from us.  My sister still had her Sequoia then so we decided to all ride together for the 5 pm viewing.   So.   I was conflicted about bringing my children but they loved Mrs. Allemore and I got Derick to agree that he would help me keep them contained to the back of the room.    Of course, I grew up with most of the people there and Derick just loves talking to anyone so at some point we lost track of Elizabeth.   Then I hear her screaming...."Mrs. Allemore gots no legs"    Apparently we lost track of Jacob as well as he had held her up to look into the casket.    Whoops.   So we usher her from the front and attempt to explain and, well, she was four and got over it rather quickly.   We went back to visiting.  

After it was over we stopped to have dinner in that town and waited entirely too long for our food until it was well after 10 by the time we started driving the hour and a half home.  Elizabeth and I were in the way back of the Sequoia and, naturally, she started to doze off in her car seat but she couldn't find her pacifier.   We looked and looked and looked, no pacifier.   So I ask her, "did you bring it into the restaurant?" to which she replied, "no, but I took it to heaven"  um, what?   "you said Mrs. Allemore was in heaven...that house that is heaven"  Ahhh......I guess I didn't explain that as well as I thought.    "I knew Mrs. Allemore was asleep in heaven so I gave her the pacifier".  

To this day I wonder if they buried her with it.

That was how Elizabeth gave up the pacifiers.  

Losing It

Welp, I think I have it now.

Background info:

Two years ago one of my sweet precious students coughed right in my face and I swear I felt the cold virus take hold right at that minute.   I spent 57 days in some sort of walking sick.   Three trips to urgent care, zpacs, cough medicines, inhalers, oh my.   Eventually I pulled a muscle?  I dont' know, I had chest pain due to all of the coughing and it was a while before I recovered from that.  

Last January I started having a strange feeling in my sternum, similar to the cough pain but with no coughing.   My best guess was I had started walking and an exercise video with much twisting so I assumed I did something.   For the past year this sternum pain has come and gone and according to Google I must have something called costochondritis.   Okay, I can deal with that.  Sometimes I take some tylenol if it acts up, other times I can go weeks without really feeling something.   I got to a point where I would have to cough a few times to pop my sternum each morning and I was good to go.   Weird, I know, but arthritis runs in our family and I figured, I am still getting around okay, I can make it.

This morning I woke up and my chest was hurting more than usual.   I coughed as typical and could not pop my sternum but I went back to sleep.   I woke up again and this time my back, neck, and shoulders were hurting in much the same way as my chest.   Still could not pop my chest which was becoming very disconcerting.  Still, according to google I have costochondritis and possibly some gerd backed up in there.  

I decided to take a long bath and soak these muscles but it doesn't seem to have helped.  I took my temperature earlier and I was at 99.1.   I am now at 97.9.   Maybe the bath rose my temperature?   I am going to hope.  I took some tylenol although I have been hoarding the little bit of tylenol I have just in case.   I was finally able to find some exercises online to finally pop my sternum but the chest pain is still there.   I currently have the heating pad on my back. I am still coughing from last week.   Grass pollen is high, it could be that, or dum-dum-dum.....ugh.  

Now.  I have hypothyroidism and sometimes high blood pressure (no medications) and GERD.  Are those serious underlying conditions?  I don't know.  Nevertheless I am concerned about today's developments.   Also, when I start feeling like this I don't understand how we will ever be able to go back to life as we used to know it.   Wouldn't we just start spreading it again once we are let loose?  

I started knitting again.  Maybe that is causing the back pain, I don't have the best posture.   Could be that awful bed.   Boy I really want my Sleep Number bed back.  I wonder if I should find a drive thru testing facility?   Or maybe I should just have a drink?

These are not good times for people with health anxiety.   No sir.  

Over It

Day 22!

Dare I even say I wish I could go to work.   I was so ready for that job to be over but now I want to go there.   At least Coronivirus makes you appreciate things huh?

I coughed and coughed this morning.  My chest hurt.   I had some pleghm in the back of my throat.   I was sure my husband had finally brought it to me.   I almost threw up imagining how it would all progress until I took a snort of Flonase and seem to be better.    I am still scared though.   I feel like it is only a matter of time.

The week's assignments are due in 23 minutes.   My kids are still in bed.   I just don't even care.  I know the teachers are doing all they can and I should pull myself out of this funk and help them out but I just can't.   The kids fight me, they are angry and sad and upet, they want to see their friends and they blame me.   I am the only one here most of the time, they need someone to blame it on.   I try to make things fun for them but they are not receptive.    I miss them.   I miss the sports playing,  school going, happy kids from 23 days ago.

I really don't mind staying here in my house.   It's the waiting that is killing me.   Waiting to see if we get it.   When we get it.   Will it kill us?   Waiting to know when I can hug my mother again.  

I slept in Jacob's room last night.   Lord almighty is that the most uncomfortable mattress ever made.   Maybe that was a lot of the reason he was grumpy all the time.  I slept more then they all these other nights combined, I think because I felt safer up there.   I ordered a thick mattress pad and hopefully that will help some.   I intend to stay there for a while.

Derick went to our local pub/restaurant we love and bought burgers.   I was so happy to see some sort of normalcy I scarfed them down before I ever even thought of the ramifications.   I sure hope the people in that restaurant are well.  

We started watching Tiger King and I was fascinated but Derick found it boring and is now watching something you have to read...while he coughs his head off.  Allergies he says, but it's pouring down rain and he hasnt' been out other than to get the burgers.  

I sure wish I could go to bed and wake up tomorrow and this all be a dream.  

Day....Nineteen?? Fifteen?

Let me tell you....I love staying in.   I look forward to Mondays and Wednesdays, my days off, well, WERE my days off.     I may have cranked the music a few times and did a dance alone here on those days.   MAYBE.   

DAMMIT!  I don't want to dance in the living room any longer!  

I am lonely.   

It's 2:42 in the afternoon and my children are still in bed.   YES.  I know I need to get a handle over this situation but I also don't want to fight.   I do wish they would wake at a timely hour so we could spend some time together.   I miss them.   Did I say that?

They wouldn't spend any time with me anyway.    Adam, the one who has always loved me the most and taken my side in any situation now hates me.   He is downright ugly to me the few moments in a day I do see him.   He is mad that I forced him to go to Colorado, that he couldn't see his friends that week, and that I still won't allow him to leave the house.   He believes I am overreacting to it all and that since he doesn't have it and his friends don't have it, anything I say is a load of bullshit.  Nevermind that it is LAW now to stay in, apparently the other mothers are nicer about it.   

Elizabeth hasn't done a lick of school work this whole time.   She stays away because she doesn't want to hear me remind her of this fact.   We usually turn their internet off for this kind of behavior but they have to have the internet to do the school work now.   

Jacob has been doing really well since his work has moved online.    He is talking about enrolling in summer school.    I just hope they have summer school, I want him to stay focused and interested.

I miss my parents.   

This was the last day I saw them.   We celebrated my mom's birthday.   It was February 16.   It's been a while.   They are running out of food and they live in the boonies so no delivery, no curbside, an hour drive anywhere.   I need to get to a point that we KNOW we are virus free and drive them some BUT my husband continues to go to work every single day.   I guess making chemicals is essential.   He refuses to shower when he comes home, that is ridiculous he tells me.  He does change clothes but he leaves them in the closet for me to breathe whatever comes off of them.   Two days ago I made some beer cheese and I watched him dip his whole hand into the pot and lick it and go back for more.   I didn't really want that anyway I guess.   He gets mad if I disinfect behind him so I go to my room most of the time he is here and close myself off away from  him and then do it all the next morning.   I pray he stays away from the kids.  He makes a good bit of money, I understand why he continues to work, he has too.   If he quit this job there might not be another one to go back to.     Why in the world are grocery workers still there?   They can't make more than I did working preschool and if she asks me to go back on May 7 I will have to say no thank you.   This is serious shit.   Don't get me wrong, I am thankful and grateful and in awe of these people who continue to supply us with our basic needs.  When this is over I am bringing all my grocery ladies $100 bills to show my appreciation, I know they have to be scared to death.   Derick swears he stays in his office all day and I am still scared to death.   These people face germs every person who walks past them, I can't even believe it.   

My sweet friend works at an Assisted Living.   I am scared for her too.   She is doing so much to keep these people safe and happy and occupied but every day another one here has an outbreak.   I pray and pray for her and the family she returns home to every evening.   

Elizabeth used the last of my hand sanitizer to make slime yesterday.   She just doesn't get it.  My hands are dry as a bone for all the hand washing.   My hemorrhoids are acting up from all the sitting.   I drink too much.   

Please, everyone, stay inside, don't spread this anymore than the essentials are already spreading it (through no fault of their own).