My Head Still Hurts.....

I have had a massive sinus headache for the past three days.    I can barely lift my head and when I do, it's worse.   I have spent a small fortune at CVS on all kinds or "proven remedies" that proved not to remedy anything at all.    Today I found some sort of nasal spray that seems to have made a small dent. Hopefully it will begin to help because I am sure the drug store employees are tired of seeing me stumble about moaning in my pajamas.

Usually being piled up in bed for three days would have my house in complete shambles,  BUT miraculously it is not.   Believe it or not,  Jacob has been taking care of it.  Without even being asked.

All these meds have kind of made me a little dizzy and drunk like so I am hoping I am not imagining it, but the laundry is done and folded and the towels, at least, have been put away.   The beds are made.  The floors are swept and mopped.   The trash has been taken out.  The garbage cans put away.  Dishwasher emptied AND refilled.  The little kids have been cerealed and souped at the appropriate times and the evidence of such is no longer there.  Toys mostly put away.

Can this be the same kid who refused to lift even ONE finger last week?

Did I die?  Because at one point,  I really was sure I was going to.

What is happening here?

Seriously, I just laid here (laid, lain, lay, lie? I was absent every time they taught that I think) and cried over it.

This.  Is a big deal.

One of the traits of Aspergers is the lack of empathy.    Oh, you feel bad?  Whatever.  I don't get that because it's not happening to me so let me go back to what I was doing and not really care.  

But yesterday, he cared.  He cared enough to feel bad for me and step up and do something about it completely on his own.

I am sure there is probably some motive behind it, I bet he'll ask for something in a couple days, but still, he helped out.  When I really needed it.  Without begging and cajoling and bribing.  He just did it.

Of course, it isn't right, it's not done my way,  the towels are hanging off the shelf and not tri-folded the way I like and the blankets are poking out from under the comforters, and he put the bathroom Scentsy cubes in a living room burner, but still.   I have let it go.  The dizzy drugs have helped with that.

I'll get better and he'll go back to being his usual self, but this one time, he stepped up.   This makes me so hopeful that maybe he's turning a corner, maybe he's maturing, maybe we can work with this.

My Head Hurts

Well...

First day of summer is upon us.

It is 12:30, half day in and already it begins.

Only took half a day.

I don't think I was being unreasonable when I let the children know that they had to complete their daily chores each day before the television went on, the Wii was played, or swimming was to be done.   They have three chores each and need to make their beds, pick up their toys, and wipe the toilet and floor down of their piss that never, ever seems to make into the toilet.  

Jacob has declared that he will doing none of it.   His reasoning:   If you want me to do these things, you have to do something for me.

Is he freaking kidding me?

Let's see.   Seven years of private school tuition = $30,000
                  Six years of various medications = $2000
                  Five years of various therapy = $5,000
                 
I can't even do the math on the clothing, food, and toys.

I know, I know, that means nothing to a kid, but COME ON.

The other kids got up did their jobs and went about their day.  

Jacob is still screaming about how unfair his life is and what a horrible mother I am and how he is just a  kid, Oh woe, oh woe is he.  I mean, the cops are going to be called very shortly by said twelve year old because.  O.  M.  G.   Child labor laws and child abuse and neglect......oh my.

I don't know where his logic became skewed, but he has yelled down at me that if I want the dishwasher emptied, I will need to drive him to Game Stop and buy him a fifty dollar game.  

Nevermind that he got his DS removed weeks ago for running his mouth in this fashion previously.

And for the record, Adam emptied the dishwasher and did all his other chores without nary a word.  Three hours ago.

The art camp closed down.

I can't afford the behavior camps.

He absolutely refuses to do any type of sports camps.

My parents are too scared to take him for any length of time.

I think there's some law about dumping your kids off miles from home and making them walk back just to kill time and give you some peace.

So for the next 14 weeks, I guess I have to put up with it.

Neat little fact about switching schools.......that school gets out two weeks later so therefore goes back two weeks later.  Oh joy!  He gets two extra weeks of summer!

I can't wait to see what will happen next week when I introduce the television timer and the daily workbooks.

Turn, Turn, Turn

First Day......

Last Day.........

Kindergarten-Sixth Grade
August 16. 2006-May 23, 2013
On to better things.   Hopefully.

One More...

Jacob's turn:

What is something your mom always says to you?    Clean this mess up


What makes your mom happy?   When we have a good morning


What makes your mom sad?   When we have a horrible morning


How does you mom make you laugh?  When she punishes Adam


What was mom like as a child?   young


How old is your mom?   48


How tall is your mom?   five foot eight


What is mom's favorite thing to do?  Go shopping at Vera Bradley


What does your mom do when you aren't around?   Watch Bob Newhart


If your mom became famous what would it be for?   cooking


What is your mom really good at?   teaching


What does your mom do for a job?   teach preschool


What is mom's favorite food?  PF Changs


If she were a cartoon character which one would she be?   Bat Girl


What do you and mom do together?   go out together sometimes


How are you and mom the same?   We look the same


How are you and mom different?   We don't talk the same


How do you know mom loves you?   Cause she always says it


Where is mom's favorite place to go?  PF Changs

More Questions and Answers

Adam's turn:

What is something your mom always says to you?    I love you


What makes your mom happy?    Doing what is right


What makes your mom sad?   Doing bad


How does mom make you laugh?   Making funny faces


What was mom like as a child?   Very nice


How old is your mom?   44


How tall is your mom?    four feet


What is mom's favorite thing to do?   Watch Bob Newhart


What does your mom do when you aren't around?   Take naps


If your mom became famous what would it be for?  singing


What is your mom really good at?   typing


What does your mom do for a job?   work at preschool


What is mom's favorite food?  spaghetti


If she were a cartoon character which one would she be?   Superwoman


What do you and mom do together?   sleep


How are you and mom the same?   looks


How are you and mom different?    I don't take naps and she does


How do you know mom loves you?   Because she provides me food and clothing


Where is mom's favorite place to go?   PF Changs

Questions and Answers

Totally stole this from Michelle at Big Blueberry Eyes.   These are my kid's answers, but I can't wait to use these next year at Mother's Day with my preschoolers.   THANKS!


Here are Elizabeth's answers:


1.  What is something your mom always says to you?   No


2.  What makes your mom happy?   Seeing her friends at preschool


3.  What makes your mom sad?  When I keep getting older


4.  What makes your mom laugh?  Me


5.  What was your mom like as a child?   Just like Elizabeth, she played ball with Aunt Teresa


6.  How old is your mom?  100


7.  How tall is your mom?  Seven feet


8.  What is your mom's favorite thing to do?  Watch me at the park


9.  What does your mom do when you're not around?  shopping


10.  If your mom became famous what would it be for?   Playing with me


11.  What is your mom really good at?  Watching Bob Newhart


12.  What does your mom do for a job?   Work at preschool


13.  What is her favorite food?   Garlic Noodles from PF Changs


14.  If she were a cartoon character who would she be?  Stella from Winx Club


15.  What do you and mom do together?   Give kisses


16.  How are you and mom the same?   We love preschool and tea parties


17.  How are you and mom different?   Her hair is red, mine is not


18.  How do you know your mom loves you?   She was happy to have a girl and always wanted one.


19.  Where is mom's favorite place to go?    PF Changs

Roll With the Changes

So.  I signed the "Decline Re-Enrollment" form for Jacob.

His tuition and book fees have been deleted from our account.

In less than two weeks he will no longer be a student at the private school.

Am I relieved?  Yes.

Am I happy?   Eh.

Am I sad?  A little.

Am I scared to death?  ABSOLUTELY!

Jacob has been in the same very small building for the past seven years.   The thought of throwing him in a place where just his grade level hallway is bigger than half of his previous K-6 is very daunting.   The kids there?  Huge.  As in, bigger than I am.  Some of them are bigger than his dad.  He's the size of a third grader.  This could get ugly.

I am constantly second guessing myself.   I know in my heart we did the right thing.  We have had two additional meetings with the sixth grade teachers and they have done nothing but reinforce our feelings that he needs to leave there, but still, with all of his "issues", he doesn't do change well and, well, this is going to be a HUGE change.

The new school had originally told me I could enroll him in April, but when I got there, of course, that wasn't an option.  We have to wait until two weeks before school starts and I am pretty stressed wondering if he will get the electives he desires and most especially the leadership corp that goes in place of gym.  I really, really, really don't want him to take gym.  Never again.  Especially when the other kids can eat him for lunch.  The tours they promised me.  Haven't happened.  Yet.  They keep promising, but it's not looking good.  I feel like I got suckered.  If we aren't even there yet and they're lying to me, it doesn't bode well for the school year.

But still, I don't want him in the private school.   I don't want to pay the money, I don't want him near those children, I don't want him with those teachers, I don't want him with that administration.  It's just not right for him.  At all.   They gave me two lines to write my reason for not returning and all I could write was "many".  There just wasn't enough room for it all.

I cried after I turned it in.

My child should've been treated well at a CHRISTIAN school.  He should've felt safe at a CHRISTIAN school.   If people aren't kind at the Christian school, what is it going to be like at the NON-Christian school.

Oy.  What have we done?

Even then, though, I know deep down we've done the right thing.   We have yet to see what will become at the new place, but I just know he couldn't stay at the old one.

So things are going to change soon.  Hopefully for the better.   The best we can do is roll with it.

And Now You Are Six

Six.  SIX.  I cannot believe you are six years old, Elizabeth.  You are my baby and, yet, you are not a baby anymore.  Six.  Wow.

Six years have flown by.    The lipstick on the walls, the nail polish in the carpet, the belly-button pinching, and the funky haircut are all distant memories.  You are a big girl now.  You can count well over 100, add and subtract numbers, read chapter books, and write and illustrate a story.   You are more than ready for first grade your teacher says, but I would like you to repeat it just because I will miss you in the afternoons next year.  You won't be repeating it though, so it will be an adjustment for me.

You go to school until 11:45.  I am done at 12:15.  You trot on over when you're done and my three year olds enjoy having the big girl there.  Well, when you stay there.  You usually go on up to the office, get a snack, and chat with the directors until all the little kids have gone and then you make your way to all of the other teacher's rooms to chat with them.   I know I will not be the only lonely one next year.  All of us get a little teary thinking about no Elizabeth after school come September.  You know, I  really struggled with whether I should take that job because I felt I was short-changing you, dragging you off to school at three while the boys got an extra year to veg out and watch Nick Jr. all morning.  Although I loved the job, I cried a lot.  It just didn't seem fair to you, but you never once complained.  You enjoyed school and your teachers and over time your pretty much free reign over all that was preschool.   I see now that your earlier exposure to school helped hone your academic skills and also your ability to interact and socialize with both children and adults.  Elizabeth, you are my most well-adjusted, easy-going, roll-with-the-punches, work-it-all-out child.  I don't know if that's because you are the third one, or because of school, or just the way you were formed in the womb, but let me just say after all I've dealt with since the beginning of my motherhood, it is a refreshing change.

Your favorite color used to be pink and sometimes purple and then sometimes both.   Now you tell me it is yellow, which is my favorite color.   I remember loving green at your age because it was MY mom's favorite color too.  I love that you love yellow, but I hope you continue loving pink.  And purple.  And other things just because YOU want to love them.  You don't have to love my stuff for me to still love you.

You love to draw and I have to buy paper every week just to keep up with you.  There are pictures of princesses, and Disney World, and the Duck Dynasty dudes hanging on our walls.  There are also many, many pictures of Ezra, one for each day he's been gone.  He is usually sitting with me and you and we are smiling and there are lots of hearts.  Sometimes Phoebe is there too and there a few with the boys, but mostly it's me and you and Ez and we're happy.  I love them all.  I am so sad that you had to experience his death, but I am relieved you remember him and still love him and carry his memory in  your heart every day, because you know what?  I do too.   I am glad you still have Phoebe and I know she's glad to have you although I am sure she'd love it if you quit dragging her around and trying to dress her.

Let's see......what else?  Your teacher says you are a good friend and you are kind to others.  Every single person in your class came to your birthday party except the one kid who was on a cruise with his parents but his mom did say he cried and cried when he found out he couldn't go.   You were hugged so much and everyone wanted to be with you and you found a way to hang with each and every one and you did it effortlessly.   It was plain to see that you are very much loved not only by me and your family but your friends as well.  It was a good feeling.

You love the Disney Princesses, Belle is still your current favorite.  You are really good at archery and we can thank Merida for getting you interested in it.  You can swim like a fish and ride your bicycle without training wheels, and you love to go outside and swing for a while as soon as you get home from school.  You still love bubbles and I love to listen to you squeal in delight over the big ones just the same way you did when you first saw them as a baby.  Bubbles never get old.   You love to shop at Gymboree and by that I mean, I love to shop at Gymboree, but you are more than willing to tag along and sometimes suggest it yourself and, of course, I never turn you down.   You would look lovely in a flour sack, but it makes me practically giddy to find a sweet outfit and then see you in it.  I waited a long time for those girly clothes.  They also never get old.

The only thing you really like to eat are french fries,  peanut butter sandwiches, Hormel Honey Deli Ham, applesauce, Cinnamon Toast Cruch,  plain spaghetti noodles doused in soy sauce, and the garlic noodles at PF Changs.   I don't think you've eaten anything I've cooked for dinner in three years.   I love that we can out to a restaurant, just us, and we can chat and eat and I don't have to chase after you or pack up as soon as you are done.    I will miss our afternoon lunches, but I'll try to fit a few Saturday ones in next year.  I'll let you have first pick.  I am sure you will pick Five Guys.

Yesterday we took a walk and the first thing you did as we set out was to grab my hand.  I didn't take yours as a mother will always do with her child and I realized then it's been a while since I was the one to reach for your hand, but we always hold hands.  Always.   Please never stop holding my hand.  It's one of my favorite things.

There is so much more of you I could write about it, but it's time to pick you up from school.  Only two more weeks and then you'll be a full day student.  *sigh*.  I've been lonely all morning for you, don't know how it'll be when you're there four more hours.  It's been six years since I heard that doctor announce "It's a girl!".    Still easily one of the best moments of my life.  I remember the flashes of hair bows, dance classes, Gymboree dresses, and Disney princesses while listening to your first cries and seems like yesterday and, yet, here we are doing all of those things and I could not be happier.

My life was not complete until you were here.  I love all the "girl stuff", but I could live without it all if you decided today to love sports, and pants, and Pokeman because I am just so lucky to love YOU and all that you are!     You have been such a blessing,  a true gift from God.

I love you Goose, and I always will.

Now you are six.  Can you stay that way for just a while?

The Princess Transformation

Before

During

After

Elizabeth has been a Disney Princess fan since she was a baby.

Her mother has been a fan even longer.

My sister and I loved Beauty and the Beast!  We saw it five times in the theater and got our VHS copy as soon as it was available.  We even decorated our apartments with Belle picture frames and knick-knacks.   She is still our favorite.

Since the first time I'd ever heard of Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, I knew I'd take my daughter there.   Of all the things Elizabeth has enjoyed in her short lifetime, the Disney Princesses have been around the longest.  We watch all of the movies and play with all of the dolls and every night we read a book involving her favorite princess of that moment, which they have all been her favorite at one time or another.   I love them all too, but still, Belle is my favorite.

For six months we anticipated this day.  I always imagined sunny skies and warm weather, but alas, it was pouring rain and cool temperatures.  It would have been the best day of the week to sleep in and skip the parks, but no, we had an 8 am appointment that we couldn't reschedule.    While the boys rode Big Thunder Mountain and some Stitch ride that Derick is still complaining about, Elizabeth began her transformation.   I bawled my head off.

I was sure she'd choose Ariel as she usually reigns as Queen Favorite most of the time.  Merida has been inching up there recently too, but she wasn't one of the choices.  Most of the little girls I know have selected Jasmine, what with the jinglies hanging off the belly-baring costume and CUTE shoes (all the other girls there when we were there were Jasmine).  Elizabeth chose Belle.

*Squueeee*

I told her she needed to choose her favorite, not mine, and held out the Ariel dress which she shooed away.  I asked her why she wanted to be Belle and she said to me:   "Mom.  Belle loves to read and she is smart.  I love to read and I am smart.  I have to be Belle."  And so she was Belle.

Two days in a row.   It was wonderful.   The sun shone bright through that yellow costume even under ten dollar rain ponchos and plastic bonnets.   The weather was terrible, but the day was wonderful.

I cried happy tears through the entire appointment.   I love my boys with all my heart, but I know we'd have walked right past that place if Elizabeth were never born.  I probably would have never known it existed and would never have known what I was missing and that would have been allright, but being able to share Belle and all I love about her with my a little person who understands why I love her too, just filled my heart with such joy I could not contain it.

I do love Belle.  I love my own little Princess Belle even more.  She is more beautiful than I ever imagined.

Still worried about autism and vaccines?

Still worried about autism and vaccines?

I saw this today.  You don't really need to click it.  I am sure you've seen this before.  Many times even.

Since no one really reads my blog anymore, I think it's safe for me to give my opinion on this without a ton of snarky comments, although, snark away, you're entitled to your opinion as much as I am.

Do I think vaccines cause autism?  Yes.  Maybe.  In some cases.

Do I think autism is only caused by vaccines?  No.

Jacob has been seen by four different evaluators over the course of his life.  Three of them say he has ADHD/ODD/auditory processing disorder/anxiety/depression.  Yes.  ALL OF THEM.  One says he has Aspergers Syndrome, which is on the autism spectrum.

Do I think Jacob has Aspergers?  As the years progress....yes, yes I do.

Of course, it doesn't matter what label you give him, Jacob is Jacob.  He does what he does and lives how he lives just the same as a non-labeled child.  It is what it is.

Do I think his "autism" was caused by vaccines?   Well, sometimes.

Here's my vaccine story:  Click next blog if I've said this before.

I was pregnant.   Felt fetus move at thirteen weeks (yes, really).   Fetus did not stop moving except for very, very short spurts until he was born at 31 weeks.    Baby stayed in hospital for a month but was a hearty little soul, moving, moving from the very beginning.   The nurses joked that he had ADHD even then.  I was just grateful he was alive.

As a baby, he slept very little.  He cried incessantly.  The only thing that provoked quiet was to keep him constantly moving.  He loved being strolled around the mall.  His little head was constantly looking around for something different to look at.  He became a happier baby once he could crawl, walking even better.  I am serious when I say he walked one day and learned to run the next.  The relatives joked that he had ADHD even then.  I was too sleep-deprived to give it much thought.  Then.

Jacob stayed up to date on all his vaccinations even though I would grill the pediatrician every time about her opinion on the autism debate and she assured me he would be fine.  I elected to postpone his MMR until 18 months and the varicella until 3 and she was sorta kinda okay with that.  I am sure I read somewhere that those shouldn't be taken together or something.

So Jacob got his MMR vaccine at 18 months.  On the nose.  In hindsight, that's not a very nice thing to do to a kid on his half birthday, but so be it.  He ran a slight fever the night of and the afternoon after but otherwise seemed fine.  Seven days later to the hour he started getting more restless than usual.  He started screaming again.  He wouldn't stop.    He wouldn't eat, he definitely wouldn't sleep and his temperature spiked to 104.7 when I called the pediatrician.  He was my first child, I took everything she said as gospel because, well, she went to medical school I didn't.  The on call nurse took the message and then the doctor called back to tell my husband (who by then was home) that it sounded like reaction to the shot.  Everything I found online and even the little pamphlet they gave me about it said if that were to occur it would be a week later.  She did not seem concerned at all and just told us to tylenol/advil dose him and keep cool compresses on him he would be allright.  Should I have brought him to the ER?  Yes, I probably should have, but we spent the next 24 hours jiggling and patting and cool-bathing and eventually he got better.  Sort of.

You know I was looking for the head-banging, loss of verbal skills, lack of eye contact that everyone says to be aware of, but I didn't get that.  I did, however, get a strange aversion to going outside.  My weekly mall trip that previously made him so happy (and me too, you know, retail therapy), now provoked full out tantrums.  If someone looked at him he'd scream.   He had the bluest eyes and, yes, I am biased, but he was beautiful.  Someone was always speaking to him.  He was always screaming.   Of course, he was pushing two and I thought, well, the terrible twos.  He doesn't have autism because he's not drooling and in a trance and oh, boy is he talking.  Talking all the time, but usually only about Thomas the Tank Engine.  And Percy.  And James.  And that God forsaken bee.  Buzz, buzz, buzz.  He could recite all the episodes by heart all day long and act them out on the trains I continued to buy because, oh no, he doesn't have autism, he's just really smart.  And he loves trains.  How freaking cute is that?

Go google Aspergers and Thomas the Tank Engine.  Woo Boy.

So to summarize:  My kid got the MMR vaccine.  He had a strange reaction and then started acting differently.  Do I think the vaccine did something to my kid?  Yes.  I kind of do.  I have no proof and I don't want to sue anyone or raise a stink about it because it could just be this was going to happen anyway.   I do believe he was ADHD in the womb, nothing caused that, and maybe his quirks are just a part of that?  I don't know.  One of his evaluators believes he would have always had the ADHD, the prematurity was what exacerbated his situation.  I agree with that.  Sort of.

I do know that my other children did not get the MMR vaccine until they were four and they are "normal".  Of course they also were full-term infants and neither of them visibly moved in my womb 23 hours a day.

Yes, I think vaccines contribute to autism, but I don't think autism is caused solely by them.  I think there are other factors at play that researchers don't know enough about.

You are free to disagree, but you can't change my mind.

12

Today you are 12.

I remember rocking you in the recliner and watching television which we did quite often that first year, and hearing the kids in the neighborhood heading off to their first day of school.  I couldn't imagine ever doing that with you and here we've been doing it seven years now.  I also remember thinking when I heard that strange little girl who always ding-dong ditched us that she had just turned twelve and WOW, it would be forever before you were that old.

Forever is here, Baby.

I think you are now too old for the whole, you-wear-size 8-pants post.   So I will try this:

Jacob,

These twelve years have not been easy for me.   You were not the baby I imagined when I was little and dressed my female baby dolls.  You didn't easily fit into my life plan by playing at said times and eating at said times and, most especially, sleeping at set times.  I thought I would lose my mind that first year, and maybe I did briefly.   I was very much a Type A personality with a little person who wouldn't allow that.   I am so sorry for all those nasty words you learned because of that.

I tried so hard to make you fit into the perfect mold because everyone around me told me you weren't right.  I took that to be a reflection of myself and I didn't want any of those perfect strangers to think poorly of me, so I worked and pushed and cried and screamed to get your square peg into the world's circle hole.   For years.  I didn't see what I really had right in front of me.   You.   The real you.  I am sorry for that too.

Jacob, I now know that your brain is wired differently.   I still don't understand the mass of information thrown at us about it, but I know I should have told all those well-meaning "friends" years ago to get off your case and let you be you.

I am proud of the way that you deal with this difference every day.    Others may have given up years ago, but you keep on trucking and doing what you have to do even when it frustrates you beyond reason.    You try to find the good in others even when there isn't much to be found.    You spread the gospel even where it isn't cool to do so.  You attempt to ignore those who don't respect that you are living your own life.

I am sorry for what you have dealt with in the "Christian" school this week.   I am sorry that you have dealt with that for so long.  Truly, Jacob, we really thought we were doing what was best for you, smaller classes, less kids,  Christian values.   I thought I was protecting you from the big bad world out there, but instead I was throwing you into it.  I am still afraid of what public school will bring,  but I think you can handle it.  You are 12 now.  Mama doesn't have to fix it for you.

In six years you will be an adult.  I cannot even fathom that now, but it will sneak up on us quickly just as twelve did.  My wish is that we can all accept and boost "YOU"  while helping you learn what you need to be a decent adult.   I hope you use your high IQ and bring up your grades and go to a wonderful university *cough* West Virginia *cough*, but you know what?  God really doesn't care if you make all As.  I don't think he really cares if you memorize every scripture in the Bible.  I think what matters is that you become a nice, caring, good person who spreads love and kindness wherever he goes and I know you can do that.   Please don't let a few small-minded people drag you down, Baby.  You are too special for that.

Thank you for relieving me of my Type A personality.  I really wasn't that happy that way.   I know that is one of the reason's God sent you to me.

Happy Birthday Jacob!  I love you.

I Have Forgotten What Sleep is Like, but I Can Wear a Size 8 Again.

It is 4:23 am.  Another sleepless night.  I haven't slept in days.  Maybe I've lost more weight; we had pizza tonight and I could only stomach three bites.  That hasn't happened in, well, ever.  I was looking for a good diet plan......

I watch the Bob Newhart Show every evening and one of the ladies in his group session, usually starts out saying, "I have this huge knot in my stomach...." and tonight I thought, "She must be trying to get some justice for her kid".

My huge knot keeps me from sleeping, keeps me from eating, keeps me from truly enjoying my life right now.   Adam's best friend is moving tomorrow (probably another reason the knot keeps growing). They are having one last sleepover.  They made a fort and are conked out on the living room floor.  They traded Legos and watched Duck Dynasty and laughed and laughed and laughed.  It was so heartwarming but my knot was still there.  I could've dug out the ice cream and made a huge mess, but I didn't.  I couldn't.  I just didn't have it in me.   I regret it already.

I took Elizabeth to a birthday party today and tried to engage with the other mothers.  It was easier standing at the edge of the park away from it all though, so that's what I did.  They don't see me much since I work three days a week; I really wanted to get to know these ladies, who knows when I'll get the chance again, but I just couldn't.  I didn't have it in me.  I regret that already too.

Sometimes the knot grows up into my chest.  I find myself struggling to catch a good breath.  I think, oh dang, I forgot to call the cardiologist like my OB suggested after Elizabeth was born.  Oh no.  What is going on with me?  Maybe I have cancer?  Of what?  Air?  Oh, look!  Charlie and Lola.  Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.   Oh, yeah, anxiety.  Great.  Just what I need the week before we drive 15 hours to Disney.

Then I realize I've felt this before:   When I was 12 and my Granny died suddenly, the days after my mom's heart attack/bypass surgery, In September when Ezra passed away.  That's when it dawns on me.  I don't have anxiety.  I have grief.

I am grieving.  Oh yes.  That is exactly what this is.

I am grieving for my child although he is still just a few feet away.  I grieve for him and what his life could've been if he didn't have IT.  The aspergers, the ADD, the ODD, the auditory processing disorders, the social anxiety, the premature birth which exacerbated all of these things.  I grieve for his opportunities lost because so much time has been wasted in what I thought and was told would be the best environment for him.  I grieve for his soul that is crushed every single day having to be teased and poked and beaten from these people, children and adults alike, who claim to give it all to Chr*st.   Doesn't the Bible say, "If G*d is with us, who can be against us?"  I grieve because my child can tell you who is against him.  I don't even think he believes G*d is with him any longer.  I grieve for that too.  I grieve for Jacob because he isn't happy.  He doesn't know what it's like to have a friend spend the night or even the grief that comes from having your best friend move because he has never had a best friend.  Shit, he's never had a friend.  I grieve because I know if this continues, he won't want to continue, because really?  Who wants to live like that?  I'm 44 years old and I don't.  He's 11.  Why does everyone think this is all right?  

We are going to Disney next week.  I sort of feel like this is our Make-a-Wish trip.   Only we are paying for it.  My golly are we paying for it.   Here you go children!  We have been so stressed and overwhelmed and dealing with things we really shouldn't have to deal with, so go hug Snow White and feel better for a week!  But the thing is.....We shouldn't feel this way!  My child is perfectly healthy and for that I am extremely grateful.  Don't think for a minute I don't realize how lucky I am that we do not need Make-a-Wish services.  Our problems aren't even in the same league, but still.  The grief is there.   For Jacob who lives that in first person every day.  For Adam and Elizabeth who feel the wrath after it happens.  For us and his grandparents who just don't even really know what to do to fix it.

So sad that we get to experience this just so a few undisciplined children could feel big about themselves.  And a few uncaring adults just didn't want to be bothered.

I grieve for our world, because this is acceptable here.   Shameful.

Be Careful What You Ask For

So.....

Jacob got a detention this week.

Nothing too new about that, although it's his first one this year.  He is quite familiar with the yellow sheet of doom from years past and most of the time he has actually deserved it, but let me ask YOU if you think he deserved it this time......

The dentention form little square box was checked for fighting.  Okay, wrap your head around that for a minute.  My third grader sized sixth grader brings home a detention slip for fighting.  Okay.  The explanation underneath was he pushed another child's hand away from his desk.  HIS desk.  As in Jacob's desk.  Okay.   I also got an email right about the same time informing me that "the infraction" occurred the previous day.  Um Hm.  So.  I discuss this with Jacob and this is the story:

When he changed classes to his second teacher of the day, she did not come into the room right away instead standing out in the hallway gabbing it up with the other two teachers.  Yes.  I am paying for that, but let's move on shall we?  So Jacob finally takes out a piece of paper and starts drawing on it.   At some point Bully number 6,452 goes up to Jacob from behind and starts tickling him in the abdominal region.  ( I did not attend Christian school and can still use big words ).  Jacob asked him to stop.  He did not stop.  He asked him again.  He did not stop.  He asked him again.  He did stop BUT he took his paper and crumpled it up.  Jacob pushed his hand away and grabbed for his paper.  THEN is when the teacher's gossip session ended and she entered the room.  OF COURSE SHE DID.

That's not all....

She then proceeded to shame Jacob in front of the entire class by using him as an example of non-Christian behavior while vigorously filling out that sheet as fast as she could.

"Jacob, do you realize you have sinned?"   "Yes Ma'am"
"Jacob are you in the sixth grade?"  "Yes Ma'am"
"Jacob do we hit others when we are mad like a baby?"  "No Ma'am"

Because we have erroneously taught him to respect his teachers, he actually did.  Dammit.

I very respectfully then replied to the email asking if touching is not allowed, why was the tickling allowed and also why is it okay to throw rocks at my kid because, duh, pushing a hand away seems a wee bit less dangerous to rock contact to the skull?  Where in hell is my reply to that one?

So then Daddy got involved.

DUM DUM DUM

I let all the teachers know early on, if you see Daddy, it's not a good thing.

So he calls about the same thing requesting a conference between all three sixth grade teachers.  The teachers have now had over 24 hours to get their stories straight and OF COURSE the teacher was always in the room and only saw Jacob being EXTREMELY RUDE (because throwing rocks at someone's head is a friendly thing to do), but she'd talk to the "victim" the next day.  You know, the victim because Jacob is such a damn bully.

So Jacob returns for the day and I ask him how it went.  This is how it went:

"Reagan, did you tickle Jacob before he hurt you?"  "No, I did not, I swear"
"Tristan (Reagan's best friend), did you see Reagan tickle Jacob?"  "No Ma'am"
"Jacob, you get an extra detention for lying, you other boys can go out to play."

(I wouldn't normally use another kid's name in my blog, but I don't really give a crap at this point.  Reagan and Tristan you are bullies.  Sue me)

(And really, who names a boy Tristan?  That right there screws a kid up)

(If your kid is named Tristan I am sure he's wonderful, you can leave my blog now, I won't be upset.)

(And I think Reagan is now a girl's name.  Oh snap, no wonder these kids are this way)

Anyway,

And then Jacob says to me:  "I told her they were lying, but she just shook her head and let them leave. I don't really know why she asked Tristan about it though because he was absent on Monday."

Which is when I said, "OH FUCK NO"

SERIOUSLY?

Then Daddy got involved again.  He now wants conference to include three teachers PLUS principal.

When Jacob got in the car yesterday he was crying.  This was after I picked him up in front of two of the teachers and all the other parents and saw two kids poking him in the back with a stick.  WTF?  They quit when they saw me and denied it, but WTF?  I am near-sighted but not blind and are all the other adults there blind?  WTF?   It got worse.  WORSE:

After gym,  Jacob was in line for a drink (which I have forbidden all three of my children to use the water fountain but they do not listen, but anyway) and Bully 6,453 pushed his newly braced and newly capped teeth right into the spout and pushed him out of the way.  After many lectures from Yours Truly the previous two days about DEAR GOD BOY STAND UP FOR YOURSELF he yelled out to stop and quit pushing him to the HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR PE TEACHER.   Who told him to suck it up and then told the rest of the sixth grade that they would all be doing PT (something bad apparently) the next day because of Jacob's "tattling".  W.  T.  F?

Yes, I am just now finding out that they have let A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR TEACH SIXTH GRADE BOYS GYM.  I am paying for that.   Funny how we never got an email about that important development and also?  If I were paying for my kid's high school education I think I would be wanting him to be learning something INSTEAD OF DOING SOMEONE ELSE'S JOB!

Then Daddy got involved AGAIN.  He now wants a conference with the three teachers, his learning lab teacher, the principal, the actual paycheck earning coach, AND the administrator.

They were supposed to meet at 8:45 this morning but one of the teachers didn't show so they rescheduled.

I went ahead and sent him to school today.  I did not want to, but I don't want him to get behind.  I have regretted it all day.  He was in a rage this morning.    He hit his siblings, he called me names, he swore he'd kill me.  Or his dad.   Or maybe himself.   There was much screaming.   It broke my heart and pissed me off all at the same time.

His birthday is Monday.  He won't be going to school.  No one should have to deal with that crap ON THEIR BIRTHDAY!  

After that, we'll have to see.   Please don't tell me I need to pull him ASAP because I really have thought about that, but there is a lot to consider, namely he'd be the ONLY new kid coming in making him a bit of a target to the non-Christian bullies out there.

The good news is that this is a good diet plan.  I have lost seven pounds since Tuesday.  I am also not at all ambivalent about where he'll attend school next year.  It WON'T be Christian School.   I asked G*d for a sign and he gave it to me.  In spades.

Thank you?

(And seriously if you are named Reagan or Tristan I am sure they are perfectfully nice names, but right now I hate them, so sorry)

**Edited to add:
Principal comes out to my car at pick-up time letting me know that, hey, your husband wants to have a meeting and I just wanted to touch base and then proceeded to tell me I really needed to talk to Jacob because he doesn't really have his stories straight.  The tickling happened LAST week and Jacob just pushed Reagan's hand away for no good reason.  When I asked did Reagan get detention for touching my child he informed it was all in good fun and nobody was hurt...hahaha.  I respectfully disagreed and then he asked if I had called Reagan's mother and maybe that was a good place to start.  Um.  I pay your ass to do that buddy.  Then he slapped my car door and said, "have a great weekend, it was good talking to you, hopefully Jacob can get his stories straight".   You will be glad to know I neither spit on him nor flipped him off, although both crossed my mind, but that wouldn't be Christian behavior now would it?

****Oh, and did I ever mention the principal is one of his teacher's husband?  Yeah.

More School

Okay....

So I met with the public school last week.  Let's see if I can make sense of the plethora of information provided to me:

*approximately 300ish students in one grade alone
*accommodations available in the form of IEPs and 504s, but aren't an option until he's been attending there 30 days and then there is still the entire testing process that could take six more months.
*he will need to spend 45 minutes in the gym waiting for school to open since I'll need to drop him off at 8:15 and school doesn't start until 9:00.
*if he rides the bus (probably wouldn't) his route would not drop him off until 5:00.
*study halls are not monitored
*if they see his math scores are low (they are) he will put in some math class at 3rd period that runs into study hall 4th period, and then into his lunch 5th period where he can stay and continue to work with someone so he can feasibly have three periods of math instruction a day.
*couldn't promise me a top locker, but would try
*he can do LDC (which is like ROTC) in place of PE
*he can choose art or drama as an elective
*if he brings up his language arts grades he can take AP English which is a short class and get one more elective
*there is a police officer monitoring the building
*the principal monitors the building through taped video.
*strict bully policy beginning with a green incident report children can fill out and slip to teachers/administration

I know there is more, but I couldn't keep up.

I was slightly more encouraged than the previous meeting, but the whole 45 minutes and possible 10 minutes waiting for the building open has really turned me off.  That just isn't an option with all of his problems.  We are trying to figure out a way to make it work.

I met with my friend about the K12 Virtual Academy they do, and it was pretty impressive.  It was very structured homeschooling taught through classes on the computer.  All self-paced, but then you have to complete a certain percentage every month so you don't fall behind.  The best part is that they form the lesson plans for you and you are able to move things around according to your needs.   For example, for one of Rosemary's children, she follows the plans verbatim, but her other child she adapts it so that he is doing a week's worth of one subject each day because that works best for him.  They take their tests online and the "school" keeps track of all their grades.  I really did like it and have thought seriously about doing this with Jacob ONE year, just so he wouldn't have to deal with mean kids and just bring his grades up, but, naturally,  my husband isn't convinced.  I don't really think this will be an option for us at all, but it would be nice.

So tomorrow I really need to turn in the re-enrollment forms.   I will likely pay for Jacob to hold his spot just to buy more time, but at this point, we are leaning more towards the public school if we can just figure out the before and after school logistics.

School Update

So we are quickly skating into March and I haven't paid the re-enrollment fee.  Yet.

I met with the junior high principal of the private school last week.  We have gotten no information about that transition so I felt a chat was in order.

The man was nice enough, but, eh, I guess I was expecting too much.  I wanted the we-want-your-kid-here-to-get-a-Christian-education-and-since-you're-paying-we'll-do-everything-we-can-for-you conversation, but what I got was the ole kids-will-be-kids-junior high-is-hard speech.

I can't really say I am surprised.

He did say he would arrange for him to have a top locker next year!   Whoopee!

What I basically took away from it that helps me is:

*65 students in seventh grade
*8 classes with one study hall, one fine arts elective, and (ugh) gym.
*they can drag their backpack all day long, no rules about that as opposed to the public school
*no bully policy, but any issues will be dealt with on a case-by-case basis as necessary
*no learning lab, no academic accommodations, but tutoring offered every afternoon (for free) in most subjects.
*only a handful of teachers who teach the 8 subjects, so he will likely only deal with 3/4 teachers again.

Tomorrow I meet with the principal of the neighborhood middle school.

Friday I meet with my neighbor who homeschools her boys (Jacob's friends) through Texas' K12 virtual academy (computer based learning).  She has so very graciously offered to teach Jacob while I work, but I am not sold on this.  At all.  Just thought I'd listen to what she had to show me and have all my available ducks in a row before I make a final decision.

Oh, and then there was that letter sent home the day after this talk stating their would be a meeting about junior high next  year on Thursday.  I guess once the crazy lady showed up they thought it might be good to let everyone know what was going on.  I may or may not attend that since I think I got what I needed, but who knows.

Stuff

Thanks for the post Sherry!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Nope.  My parents found my name in the As of a baby name book and got lazy and went no further.   My mom had wanted to name me Sarah Denise after her parents, but my dad denied it.   They both agreed Andria looked better than Andrea so there you go.  

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

At my MIL's funeral.  Yes really.  

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Yes.  I have teacher handwriting because, duh, I'm a teacher.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

I don't really care for lunch meat.  I'd rather have a grilled cheese.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Two boys and a girl

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Of course.  I am a damn good friend.  

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

According to Jacob's therapist that is our family language which causes problems for the aspergers child who doesn't understand sarcasm.  

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

Never

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

I would rather have oatmeal, but if I had to, I'd have to go with Froot Loops.  Healthy.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

I have no shoes that tie. 

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

I can be.  My boss said I showed great strength after the Shingles/dog death while husband was on vacation/still showed up for work debacle of 2012.  

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I am not a big ice cream fan, I'd rather have a popsicle, but I did find a half gallon of Blue Bell Mexican Praline that I've been craving since they discontinued it three years ago just this morning.  If you live in the north and have never had Blue Bell you are really missing out.  

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Agree with Sherry......their attitude.  I have made wrong first impressions about people having a bad day.  

15. RED OR PINK?

Ugh neither.  Yellow.  

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

My every Tuesday migraine and the fifteen twenty pounds I need to lose.  

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Ezra

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?

I would like to be able to get my children to do what I am asking without eventually resorting to yelling, but I think that's a technique they need to learn, am I right?  

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

none 

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

a blood orange

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

Elizabeth playing Polly Pockets in the bathroom.  The dolls are saying, "splish, splash, splishy, splash" and another one is saying, "Oh no, you've messed your make-up up!"  This is her second bath today.  Free entertainment.  

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

green

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Scentsy french lavender, Johnson and Johnson baby wash, citrus fruit, my mom's spaghetti sauce cooking

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?

Depends on the view.....I haven't found anything yet  I am so passionate about that I would lose a friend if they disagreed.  

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Beach house

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

college football

27. HAIR COLOR?

red and it is natural and I love it.  

28. EYE COLOR?

brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

sometimes

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

Ranchero Dinner at Ranchos and Garlic Noodles at PF Changs

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

All Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler movies, except Punch, Drunk, Love.  That was stupid. 

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

yellow pajamas at 5 pm.  oh yes.  

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Fall

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?

creme brûlée

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

neither

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

television

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

Let me check my fifth Kindle......Where'd You Go Bernadette?

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

I don't use a mouse

40. FAVORITE SOUND?

wind chimes in the rain and the video I watch every day of Elizabeth and Adam when they were 4 months/2 years just laughing and laughing at each other.  

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

80s

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Maine

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

I am a damn good teacher

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Beaumont, Texas

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

League City, Texas

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?

a light brown brick which we don't really care for, but it was a 3200 square foot spec house in our price range so we decided to live with it.  

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?

green

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?

Sure beats coming up with a good blog post this week!  

Okay, Sherry, find us another one for next week.  ;)

February

So it's February.

I hate February.   I just spent $200 on teacher gifts for Christmas and now I'm expected to at least come up with a box of candy?  That was all fine and good when I had one kid in school, but now three and one with multiple teachers puts a huge dent in the funds.

Then there's the re-enrollment fees.  Yeah.  If I want my kids to go to private school another year I have to fork over $85 each by the end of the month.  Again.  No problem with one kid, huge problem with three.

I work in the preschool on the other side of said school so there really is no question about kid two and kid three attending next year.  There is no way I could get them to their neighborhood school and still be at work on time and I still don't feel comfortable leaving them for ten minutes after I leave to wait on the bus.  Yes I could quit my job, but I love it and I don't want to so there.

Kid one, though, is another story.    I don't think I want him to go there next year.

I have never gotten a good vibe from the teachers this year.  I get the distinct impression that they would actually love it if Jacob were absent a lot more.    They display big "No Bully Zone" posters, yet they don't follow through with that.  When a kid was throwing rocks at Jake's head back in December it was ME who had to call the mother who had no idea her kid had been a huge a#$ for three months.  (Although, seriously, I think she did, but didn't want to admit it, but that's another story).  When Jacob missed four days of school due to his grandmother's funeral, they gave him one day to make it all up and then slapped him with zeros on the rest and he failed all make-up tests from that week because none of them took the time to actually teach the material to him.  Never mind they have a one hour study hall in which they could've helped him.  No.  That might have cut into their important texting time.

Oh, and then there's the whole locker thing.  The whole reason I kept him there in the first place.  Remember how I wanted him to learn how to get his books, move through his classes, figure it all out? Well, he doesn't go to his dang locker.  See.  He has a bottom locker and the huge 200 pound oaf student above him won't let him get to it.  The teachers are out there monitoring the hall but they don't see this as a problem.  Oh sure, he'll get a demerit for being late because he couldn't get to said locker, but, no, those kids shoving him out of the way is normal behavior in Christian school because boys will be boys you know?  That child is going to have a permanent humpback from dragging every one of his books around all day long.  But it's not a problem, oh no.

You think it'd be easy to say, SEE YA!  and yank that file right out of the office on the way to middle school, but it's not.

If he's getting treated this badly at CHRISTIAN school, how much worse is it going to be in public school?  You know, where God doesn't exist and no one cares about what Jesus would do with six times as many bullies students.

As much as I'd like to, homeschooling is NOT an option.  I can't get this child to take a dish to the sink or write ten spelling words one time each without a two hour fight.  I cannot be solely responsible for his education, I just can't.

So now I have 24 more days to weigh my options.  I have called the administration at the middle school and also the private school and haven't heard back from either one.   I am not sleeping well and nyquil isn't helping.

I hate February.

Dog Gone It

I miss my dog.  

Fourteen and a half years was not enough.  

The house is very slowly losing all the hair.  And the smell we used to hate but now seek on every little thing we find we had forgotten we had, like the dozen green stuffed frogs minus their eyes and squeakers shoved under some scrapbooking supplies in the garage because we were trying to get rid of that same smell we now miss.  

Someone has offered to give us her two year old chocolate Lab because she just doesn't have the time nor energy to devote to his time and energy now that all her children have left the nest.  The kids really want him, but I don't know.   I miss MY dog.  I want MY dog.  I don't want someone else's dog.  Just mine.  Right beside me.  Right now.  Stinking up my carpet and begging for my pizza crusts.   

Could I even love another dog?  Do I even want to love another dog?  They die you know.

I miss my dog.