Sick, Just Sick

Dear West Virginia Football Team,

You Suck.

Some Advice for next week:

-Get a new center

-Run forward

-Throw the ball now and then

-Learn your uniform, those are your teammates.

-Did I say run?

Sincerely,

A New Scarlet Knights Fan

Wanna See a Pretty Girl in a Bikini?

It Wasn't The Wine

Good News!

I am not a lightweight!

Bad News.....

It wasn't food poisoning either.


At 1:24 this morning, I was awakened from an awesome Brad Paisley dream to Jacob standing over me in a panic. "I have puked!" he continued to bellow until I finally returned to reality. Yes, yes he did puke. All over that top bunk. Did you know that if one pukes on the top bunk that it will somehow end up on the bottom bunk? Now you do. I HATE the bunk bed!!!! So, being the good wife that I am, I woke the husband who promised to love, honor, and change the bunk bed sheets and it was a complete family affair! Well, except for Adam, who slept through his sheet change and Elizabeth, who only slept last night during the times I was awake. It was loads of fun I tell ya!

So, Jacob missed school today. He was pretty sick for about six hours. Can you believe this is only the third time (knock on internet wood) he's actually had stomach bug? He seems fine now, curled up in front of Game Show Network with a bunch of pencil puzzles and books. He asked to go for donuts so I think the worst has passed. Adam seems to be okay, although he has a touch of something going on the other end. That's all I'll say about that. I am worried to death about Elizabeth. I really did think I was sick on wine so I didn't limit my access to her and even if I did it wouldn't have kept those boys from licking her pacifier and poking their fingers in her mouth. I just hope and pray she stays well.

Excuse me now while I bid adieu to some of my favorite pillows.

I am, most definitely, a vomit lightweight.

Careful What You Wish For

So the day wasn't a complete bust. Sure, I mopped up more soda, milk, and poop yesterday than seemed humanly possibly, but we did get out and enjoy the evening.

We ate at a restaurant on the lake. The kids were eaten alive by mosquitoes, but there was wine involved, so it was fun.




Oh, and many boats. Many, many boats. Did you know Adam loves boats? I have only pictures of the side of his face as a result.

Then, because Mommy had too much wine and was feeling generous, we went to the overrated, expensive, paved-paradise-with-a-parking-lot amusement park down the road.



You can just feel the fun can't you?

No, he wasn't scared. He was just mad because he thought we were taking out a loan for buying tickets for the roller coaster. How dare we spend his college tuition making him ride that asinine baby ride!

And there was cake!



Never mind that I had to drag three screaming kids out to pick it up myself.

And it was purely coincidental that 26 is on it. We are too cheap to spring for new candles and, duh, my kids are 2 and 6.

But the real fun came later in the evening......

When I met that entire carafe of red wine again in my bathroom. And my tortellini. And that wonderful cake. Surely I had food poisoning because if 39 makes you a lightweight, I want no part of it.


Geez, I don't even like wine.

Yes, I am 26

When I was employed, like, by an actual place that gave me a paycheck, I always took my birthday off. I mean, really, it's my day after all, the only day I get all year long, why should I spend it working? I remember some of those birthdays. Sleeping until ten. Spending money with reckless abandon. Eating greasy diner breakfasts and desserts for dinner. Those were some fun times.

I think you should not spend your birthday:


waking before nine

cleaning hairballs off the carpet

mopping rice krispies and spilled soda from the floor

scrubbing lipstick from your fancy duvet

being pooped on

washing your brand new twenty dollar body wash off your two year old

cleaning pee off the bathroom floor, yet again


I do think there should be a clause in the marriage vows that states the husband will take the day off on your birthday and take over all child-rearing, housekeeping, errand-running activities and, just to be fair, vice versa on the husband's day......oh wait.....I already do that.


On your birthday you should:


sleep late

skip school

use a clean bathroom

eat out breakfast, lunch, and dinner

purchase $110 shoes without feeling guilty

use your fancy body wash before it ends up washed down the drain

watch Last Comic Standing on your tivo before someone tells you who won

dress your baby in ladybugs and red gingham just because you can

What's In A Name?

Elizabeth wasn't my first choice for my baby girl's name.

Actually, I really didn't have a choice as I was still cruising the name lists the day she was born.

Jacob came up with Elizabeth months prior to her birth in the car during a long trip. I thought it was sent to him from the heavens, but most likely he was watching a Thomas video and Elizabeth, a lorry car, was on at the time. After that, the husband loved Elizabeth and I just kept looking for something else. It's not that I don't like the name, I do, it's just I didn't think it was the name. Plus, I spent most of my time searching for the perfect boy name. I found two I assumed we would be flipping coins over as we signed the birth certificate: Nathaniel Peyton and Ethan Samuel......cool, huh? So Elizabeth shows up and we begin to scramble on a name...well, I began to scramble. Derick had called everyone he knew before they even wheeled me to recovery to inform everyone of Elizabeth Laura's birth. From the beginning, we had planned on using Laura as her middle name, but we dropped the ball and didn't discuss it with my sister until the day of. She said she'd ask her husband and call back but she never did. Since Teresa gets uptight at the mere mention of the word "Laura" we figured it would be too much. We eventually gave up waiting for that call and I settled on Rachel, the name I wanted when I was pregnant with Adam. Rachel Elizabeth. I could live with that. Derick said he could too, but I could tell he was disappointed, so I agreed to swap the names. Once I signed those papers, though, I was full of regret. I liked Rachel. I wanted Rachel. Derick was on cloud nine with Elizabeth. I tried to love it. I tried to use it. I called her Beth and Ellie and even Lizard Breath at times. Elizabeth is just a hard name to coo to a colicky baby. Sometimes I call her Rachel. My friend calls her Rachel. My parents call her Rachel. Jacob informs us all that her name is Elizabeth. I secretly want to hide his Webkinz from him for coming up with it in the first place.

But the past few days I look at her and call her by her name and realize that she has suddenly become Elizabeth.

Elizabeth

Elizzzzzabeth

ElizaBETH

I think I like it. Finally.

Sure beats Lizard Breath.

Show and Tell

Remember when I said that I didn't like Jacob's teacher?

I take that back.

I love Jacob's teacher.

She allowed Jacob to bring his big, stinky, tail-whipping dog to show and tell making him most popular for at least a day.

Ezra's tail hasn't stopped wagging.

Jacob was thrilled! He's been talking about bringing that dog for show and tell since he was three.

He's already planning for next month.

He says he's bringing Elizabeth.

At least she's more portable.

Everybody Loves A Clown.....

I have tons of chapsticks and lipsticks in a drawer in my bathroom. It's a sickness, really, I usually can't make it through the Tarzhay without popping one into the cart. I would venture to say I probably have forty of them stuffed into that drawer.

Adam loves, loves, loves the chapstick. If I forget to close the bathroom door, I know that's where I'll find him. I no longer remember his own special smell as it has been masked by grape, watermelon, and black cherry vanilla dr. pepper scents since he was a year old. I finally gave in, tired of trying to locate things in that drawer after his ransacks, and gave him his own tube to keep in his pocket. Worked like a charm.

Until today.





Apparently the natural look is out this season.

Tuesday Tidbits

So it ain't Tuesday. Sue me.

I got the biggest kick out of watching Jacob and Adam play together the other day. They were running around and acting kind of silly and I thought I might get teary-eyed until I heard Jacob say, " You be Randy and I'll be Earl and we're gonna pretend to go stealing from garages and then take our stuff to the Crab Shack. Ezra can be Crabman." I guess Earl is going to hit my tivo list this year.

On Tuesdays, Elizabeth and I take Adam to The Little Gym so he can run loud and senseless exercise and socialize. Between dropping Jacob off and the beginning of class, we have about a half hour to kill so I have been taking him to a donut shop along the way. Yes, once a week we have donuts. And a Pepsi to wash them down. Don't judge me. Anyway, our new donut hangout happens to be located right next door to a fitness club, a very popular fitness club as the parking lot is always full. I thought it was pretty hysterical to watch the people come in their workout duds all sweaty and take a dozen donuts out the door, but what's even funnier is the workout dudded people all circling the parking lot in their beamers and benzes trying to get the closest spot just like the mall at Christmas time. Geez louise! If you just tried walking a little bit, you might not have to pay the outrageous prices the fitness club charges. Pfft.

Last week after the now infamous chapel performance, Jacob stood up in front of the television to sing Jesus Loves Me. Adam stood right up next to him and sang Mana, Mana. It was hilarious.

What the hell happened to Blue? Jacob loved Blue's Clues as a baby, but he quit watching it right after Joe came to town. A few weeks ago I turned it on for Adam so I could nap so I could tend to the baby and Blue was a life size stuffed animal with polka-dotted brother! Uh, why was there a need to screw with Blue? It's safe to say that Blue's Clues has officially jumped the shark.

I think I watch too much Food Network. Adam has begun referring to Paula Deen and the Barefoot Contessa as Mamaw.

Here We Go Again.......

Well, I guess summer vacation is over for everyone now.

At 8:30 this morning my phone rang. It was Tony from the Texas Department of P*blic Saf*ty. I wasn't real thrilled to hear from him even though it's been seven months since our last conversation. As you'll recall, Tony and his crew like to call me and beg for money from time to time. Since I don't have much money to spare, I always decline his requests. The last time I turned him down I was issued a traffic citation just a few days later. I still don't think that was coincidence.

Well, this morning my caller id said unknown caller and since sometimes unknown caller is my mom on her cell phone and since the call was before the good telephone manners calling time of ten a.m., I thought it might be her because, she is the only person who would call me that early and even then it would be of some urgency to do so. Every one else knows better. So I answer the phone and it went something like this:

(baby screaming in background as I attempt to suction her nose and juggle the phone at the same time)

me: Hello....hello....hello (because Tony's computer doesn't pick up right away)

Tony: Hello Andrew!

me: My name isn't Andrew

Tony: Well, Adriana, hello!

me: (because I don't want to be here all day and for goodness sakes it could be an orderly at a hospital calling for my mom....well, it could have been) My name is Andria.

Tony: Good morning Adrienne. This is Tony from the Texas Department of P*blic S#fety. Blah, blah, blah

me: (I cut him off) Do you realize the time? It isn't even nine a.m. yet.

Tony: Well, ma'am, it's the only time I can reach you and it's imperative that I reach you.

me: Is there a problem?

Tony: Begins his we need money schpiel, something like, we need your support or something.

me: I don't take calls before nine in the morning, I have children who are typically sleeping (not to mention myself) at that time. (he doesn't need to know I have to get up early to take my kid to school)

Tony: Well, ma'am it's the only time we can reach you.

me: I'm not interested in donating, thank you, we are tapped out at the moment.

Tony: I'll just call back another time.

me: I won't have any money later on either, we aren't wealthy.

Tony: I'll just keep calling back until you can.

me: You'll be calling a long time and I won't be any nicer then either. Click.


You better believe I'll be driving the speed limit from now on.

Tony's after me.

My Dress

I love my boys. I really, really do. I would have been happy living my life with the just the two of them, or even the three of them, but I have to confess: I am glad the baby turned out to be a girl.

Three weeks ago I took Elizabeth to the department store portrait studio to have her picture made. I dressed her in a dress I wore *cough* thirty-nine many years ago. My mom gave it to me the day we brought her home. She had kept it all this time in her hope chest especially for my daughter. It was like she always knew she would be here just ready to pose pretty in it. I cried just a little when I dressed Elizabeth in it because I imagined my mom feeling about me the same way I feel about her and all the little dresses I have already stored away in my hope chest for her little one.

I would have loved baby Nate just as much as I love baby Beth, but I don't think he would have looked quite as sweet in that old dress.

The Aftermath....

So I did it.

I went in early yesterday afternoon to discuss the chapel issue.

I spent the ten minute drive practicing my nice face and positive spin because catching flies with honey is my husband's specialty, not mine, and since he wouldn't miss an important meeting to come handle it for me, I did it myself.

To sum it up....I wasn't real pleased with their reaction. I guess when I spoke with the elementary principal AND the chapel coordinator I expected them to be apologetic over the lack of communication and where they both said they were sorry, I could tell they really weren't. In fact, the secretary, when I informed her of my problem, told me that a quick trip to McD*nalds would fix my kid right up. Sure. They did show me the green form that I should have received and when told that I didn't receive one they just brushed that off to children not being responsible and losing things. I was too nice to bring up the fact that the teacher's message began with "I am so sorry for the late notice but...." because I was a teacher once and asked them if they could email me the next time, if there is a next time, and they just kept pushing that green form and encouraging me to go to chapel EVERY week and changing the subject to how I have my hands full with all these kids and how glad I must be to finally have a girl.....grrr....you know how I feel about the "finally have a girl" thing.

So, I waited out in the hallway until the end of school, as usual, Jacob's class is the LAST one out, she keeps them a good ten minutes later each day, but that's another gripe. Jacob came out, happy to be going home, and I hugged him, which, duh, can't hug a boy in front of his friends, sooo not cool, and told him I was extremely sorry I wasn't there to hear him sing and very loudly told him that I didn't know he was singing until it was over and, honestly, he didn't seem to mind. He said he sang with his best bud and they did a good job and it was scary at first but fun when everyone clapped for them. I got excited because I knew best bud's mom would have it on video so I told Jacob I was sure she would share the tapes with me and you know what? He said bud's mom wasn't there either. His mom misses nothing so I know she wasn't informed either and knew then they could shove their green forms. I also know that she will tear them a new one much better than I ever could in her sweet, southern girl, I'm-being-nice-but-I-really-hate-you way.

Yeah, I am still mad. I would have loved to have seen him up there singing his heart out, but he sang for us after supper and I guess that has to be good enough for now. I still don't know how I feel about this school at this point. For a split second, I thought I might pull him out and enroll him in our neighborhood school, but I don't think things would be any better there. I asked him in the car when he was griping yet again about the long day, if he would like to be homeschooled and, well, no, let's just say he doesn't want to be homeschooled. At least at this school, I know he is happy. He knows the teachers, the staff, the kids, and it's comfortable for him. So for now, I will put it behind me because, really, what else can I do? They know how I feel about it and maybe now that they know I will be more informed. I will chalk it up to first month flub-ups and hope they fix it the next time.

And no, we didn't pull through the MickeyDs on the way home, although I did succumb to extra Webkinz time.

Stop Me Now Before I Do Something I'll Regret

Pissed!

I am so, so, so pissed right now I can barely see straight.

I just returned home, noonish our time, to find a message from Jacob's teacher on our voice mail. My first thought, was, gee, I hope he isn't sick or hurt, then my second thought was, crap, he's probably in some kind of trouble, damn did I forget that stupid belt? But no, it wasn't that. His teacher called at 8:46 this morning to inform me that Jacob would be singing at chapel this morning and it would be nice if I could go see him perform at 9:30. Yes, my son, for the very first time, volunteered to stand up in front of the entire elementary school and sing by himself and I wasn't there to witness it!

Now, in that damn handbook it states very clearly that if your child wants to sing in chapel that I must sign a paper stating it's okay with me and then even more clearly it states that a paper will be sent home a week before said performance requiring my signature so I can also okay that. I never saw any paper. I never signed any paper. I have picked up my child every day from school and spoken directly to that old bitty and not one time did she ever mention how wonderful it was that Jacob would be performing in chapel on September 5 at 9:30. Never.

I spent the morning shooting my baby up with dead viruses at the doctor's office at an appointment that has been scheduled for at least a month. If I had known about the chapel performance last week I would have cancelled. Shit, if I had known about it yesterday, I would have cancelled. Instead, I sat there oblivious while my kid took the stage to looked out to find no one there to cheer him on. For what I pay to send him there, the damn headmaster should have called to give me this information.

Yes, I am going in early this afternoon to speak with the ones in charge. Then when I am done with them, I am going to speak with his teacher and let her know that 45 minutes will never be enough time for me to corral my family and be there for my son. They demand respect from my child, by golly, they are going to learn to find some respect for me and my family.

Pissed!

Man, I'm still pissed!

Tsk, Tsk, Tsk

We went to the lake this weekend. Why, oh why can't my husband work from home and we move there? Who cares that the nearest grocery store is a half hour drive? Why do we need Target anyway? So there's no Chinese takeout and the only sushi you can find is reeled into the boat, people lived for years without those things. I much prefer this view:



as opposed to the moldy six foot fence twenty feet from my back door.

*sigh*

It truly is beautiful up there. I instantly feel less stressed when I get there, even though my work load doesn't change.

This weekend, though, being Labor Day, was a little less serene. I hadn't considered the sheer amount of campers, fishermen, boaters, and jetskiers. I mean, that's fine it's a public lake, but, wow, the more people involved, the more rudeness evolves. What makes people think it's okay to litter? And play chicken with their boat? Or splash your kids with their jet ski just for laughs? I'm all for some beer and a cook-out by the water, but I'll stop before I need to stumble out onto the public dock and throw up all over the walkway. Although I did feel a bit sick watching all the young children being loaded onto boats and jet skis without lifevests. No, not so family oriented that lake this weekend.

Man, it sucks that I've gotten this old. The fact that a bunch of drunks having a good, loud, disgusting time bothers me just proves that I have finally become my grandmother. Just buy me some elastic waist pants and a wicker purse.

Three of a Kind

Even the portrait studio had a hard time.....

So glad it's not just me.

So It Begins....

Have you seen the Bumbo?

The Bumbo allowed me to unload groceries and cook quick meals with my arms completely free.

Until yesterday.

Elizabeth figured out how to pull her foot up and shoot herself out. I was sure she had suffered catastrophic injuries. In that split second I imagined the worst.

I picked her up and she was laughing.

So much for my dainty princess.

I guess you learn quickly when you have two rowdy brothers.

I Already Need a Vacation

Jacob has been in school over a week now. Every afternoon he gets in the car and says, "It's four o'clock! I was at that school ALL DAY" I snicker at him because he's so funny about it, but he's right, he's there ALL DAY! This, though, is his only complaint about school.

I have a few complaints though.

1. Jacob came home two days ago with the pink portion of a triplicate form about dress code violations. He received a demerit for not wearing a belt. If he receives five demerits he could be kicked out of school. Three and we are having a heavy meeting with the big guns. The form stated in his teacher's fancy handwriting, that if he did not wear a belt the following day he would have detention after school for an hour. All school detention where he would sit with the high school kids as well. What will they do if he actually misbehaves you ask? Well...

2. The teacher's discipline plan is to move a child's paper bear on a popscicle stick to another can if he/she misbehaves. Anyone who has a bear in a white can at recess must run two laps around the football field. WTF? Although this might work for Jacob as there is no way in hell he will want to exert himself at all.

3. I am sick of the constant plea for donations. I pay plenty in tuition each month to cover all my child's needs. My child does not need a concession stand at the football field. I refuse to fund that and you can't guilt me into changing my mind.

4. A paper came home asking parents to sign up to teach an art project once a month. Isn't that what the teacher is getting paid for? I agreed to do one, but was told I would not be allowed unless I left the little ones at home. I won't be doing art this year.

5. We were required to attend an orientation last night at 7 p.m. The same orientation we got last year. The meeting where the headmaster lets you know that television watching is not allowed, you can only listen to Christian music, you should be feeding your children healthy meals, and the kids should be in bed by 7:30 each night to get enough sleep to have a good Christian school day. We were at that meeting until 10 p.m. With our kids. Thank goodness I had that Ipod.

6. After the late night orientation, I asked Jacob's teacher how he was behaving in class. She paused then said that he was very "enthusiastic". She didn't seem to like that he always has his hand raised to answer questions, even if he may not know the answer. Now, what's wrong with that? I kind of want my kid to have the confidence and self-esteem to speak up and take part. So what if he doesn't know it all, isn't that the point of school?


Yes, yes, I know. It's private school. They have to right to institute any and all rules they desire, but seriously. It wasn't this rigid last year. I liked it so much better last year. My child is six, not sixteen. School should be at least some fun. I have thought about removing him and placing him into our neighborhood school, but he would be heartbroken. He likes this school. His friends are there. He doesn't know that school could be that much more fun.

Only 172 more days to go.

Elizabeth at Four Months

Didn't I just write about Elizabeth at three months?

One year ago this week I discovered I was pregnant for a third time. That news kept us from moving across the country as I had been wanting so desperately. I eventually got used to the idea of number three, but I was bummed about losing our new opportunity.

One year later I have a daughter. I never thought I'd have a daughter. Sometimes I tear up just looking at her, knowing how blessed I am to have her in my life.

I might have missed out on a wonderful opportunity, but I was given an even better one, I just didn't realize it until a year later.

Stuff

I don't have many coherent thoughts this week. Waking up at 6 a.m. will do that to a person. Remind me again why I wanted Jacob to go to private school. Private school with no bus service. Private school I have to drive to twice a day and encounter the most messed up drop off/pick up ever. I made it through last year without an accident, but I doubt I get as lucky this year. Those Hummer driving people are nuts, that's just all there is to it. Four days into it and I've already been cut off, pushed off, and flipped off all in the baptist church parking lot. It's going to be a long year.

Speaking of school......I'm not getting a good vibe from it. His teacher is just...just....what's a good word for lacking personality? Or inability to smile? Slave driver comes to mind because, geez louise, those kids do nothing but pencil work all. day. long. Can you believe she is teaching them, six year olds, cursive writing? Oh, and she's a stickler (is that really a word?) for perfect penmanship. Seriously now, do you write as perfectly as you were taught way back when? No, I thought not. My philosophy is if I can read it, it's good. That ain't her philosophy, let me tell you. I just think first grade should have some fun. They don't do crafts, they don't play games, they don't draw or look at books, they don't have circle time or show and tell. Shoot, she didn't even have the kids introduce themselves on the first day so Jacob only knows the four other kids from his kindergarten class. How are his social skills going to improve if he isn't allowed any social time? Don't even get me started on the entire chapter of the bible he has five days to memorize and how we've been told to get rid of all the televisions in the house because t.v is evil. Like that would ever happen. Grrr.....but, dern, he'll be able to multiply by Thanksgiving and forge my signature by Christmas. Moving on.....

My girl has an ear infection. She's had a cold for almost three weeks now thanks to her brothers constant need to poke their fingers into her mouth, that or someone always gets sick when we're near my sister's family since they harbor germs apparently. Seriously, every. single. time. we're with them someone gets sick. anyway, on top of the nasty nightly dose of prevacid she now gets a big squirt of the pink stuff as well. Ever tried giving a baby antibiotics? Me neither until yesterday. We have been really lucky, so far, to rarely have to see the doctor except for well-baby visits. Knock on wood, my boys aren't sick. Ear infections aren't part of our family. Adam had one, once, and Jacob has never had one. I was informed yesterday that since Elizabeth has had one so early she will most likely be plagued with them over and over throughout her childhood. Great. Don't believe the hype about bre*stfed babies having fewer ear infections. My formula fed kid is the one who has never had one. Go figure.

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Where Did The Summer Go?

How is it time for school to start already?

I cannot believe my baby is a big first grader! Can we rewind five or six years so I can enjoy those days instead of wishing them away like I did the first time? Why was I so anxious for him to learn things? I miss Gymboree. I want to go back to Gymboree. That was fun........

Oh, so little.

I've been told that all you ever really need to know you learn in kindergarten, so why don't I just go pick up my boy now and we'll go back to enjoying jammies until 10, a little Noggin, and maybe I'll make him a pot of gumbo since he loves it so much.




No, that would never work.

He is excited to be in school, although I think he will freak a little when he realizes he isn't going home at noon. He sits right in front of his bestest school buddy, so I am relieved he doesn't have to muddle through the day alone. He has oreos in his lunch so it should be a good day for him.

Mama, though, is lost without her resident pappy retriever, laundry toter, Adam entertainer, and Elizabeth giggle-inducer.

Mostly, I just miss having him around all day.



They were hard sometimes, but those preschool years sure were fun while they lasted.