Glad That's Over

Can I just say I hate Halloween! It is my least favorite holiday. I mean, it's the only day of the year that we say it's acceptable to beg from door to door, dress like an idiot, and gorge yourselves on excessive sugar. I just don't get it.

Of course, I liked Halloween allright when I was a kid. We never did too much. We had simple, usually homemade costumes (thanks mom), we were taken by the parents to maybe ten houses, after having buckets scoured for all possible razor blade and cyanide laced goodies (we were never EVER allowed the pixy sticks), we were allowed to sit in front of the tube and devour it and that was that. We were so grateful to have that little bit of candy, it didn't matter if it was candy corn or a king size candy bar, we thanked everyone profusely and if we so much as hesitated my dad would shoot a look that reminded us right away how thankful we were. I think the last time I trick or treated was the sixth grade BUT I could get away with it some because I had a younger sister who needed my help, but I know I didn't trick or treat in seventh grade because, yo, I was too cool for that baby stuff. Ah, good times, good times.

Anyway, what the hell has happened to people in thirty years? Thankfulness and good kiddy fun has gone the way of the betamax and Atari. Here are just a few of my many observations, we'll call it:

Scenes from Halloween Hell

The Setting: A Fall Festival with trunk or treat and bouncy houses, good, clean, fun


- There were no thank yous to be heard, or many trick or treats for that matter. I got a lot of "gimme candy" from kids old enough to know better with parents standing alongside chuckling. I kept thinking of my dad and how I know if I had done that once I would've turned around to find his belt off. A second time would've been a home march. When did that kind of behavior become okay? The only kids who did say thank you were the under six set. I finally got to where I told them all "you're welcome" and was met with blank stares and some mean looks from the parents. Good teaching opportunity people, go with it. Hey, I might be able to find your costume of an Amish gun shot victim more endearing if you were just a little more polite.

- Speaking of costumes...when the sign says no scary costumes, it includes bloody axes in the head and bloody goop on the face. And that was just the stuff on the elementary set. Going as an amputee is not funny. My friend's husband suffered through having all his limbs removed this summer in a bout of meningitis and still didn't survive. I was thankful she didn't take me up on my offer to join us for the evening. You are at a church people, have a little respect for yourself. And for the rest of you, maybe try a costume next year. Going around with a Target bag in plain clothes is just plain begging and that's just wrong IMHO.

- I gave out kick ass candy. No jolly ranchers or peanut butter logs from us, no way. Nothing but the good stuff....candy bars, pop rocks, and mini packs of junior mints. Well, I did have a package of Snoopy fruit snacks which was what my son chose to hand out and you know, at least half of those ungrateful snots refused to take them and asked for something "better". Yeah, I could picture my dad getting a tic at that point. Thank goodness he is out of the trick or treat business. Take what you get and don't throw a fit. That goes for you adults too. I have a hard time believing your six month old baby prefers Snickers bars with the whole can't-eat-nuts thing at that age.

- And....if your costume consists of a stretched out, see through tee shirt with "I'm a skinny girl in disguise" then maybe you shouldn't take six trips through the line, with requests and complaints.

- At what age does trick or treating just make you look sad? We got plenty of the gory, rude teenagers who would toss down the scripture cards given to them by the nice old lady, which is to be expected. What I didn't expect was the sheer amount of adults, like middle aged adults, going through the line sans costume and sans children. Can you honestly not afford a two dollar bag of candy? That was just weird. Those people were the biggest choosers and went through the line many times. Taking candy from a baby, indeed. I would also assume that if you are dressed as a pregnant hooker and/or carrying your infant while showing it off to your classmates, then you are too old to trick or treat.

- I witnessed a family come in with cute little girls dressed very boldly as tigers, couldn't miss them. Well, Daddy and his girls found the bags the church handed out with churchy stuff in them, dumped that out (they weren't the only ones) and went about for some trick or treat fun. I gave each girl some candy and they go on their way. A few minutes later, they come up from the opposite direction in their blinding costumes and make another lap, okay. Then again, and again, each time with Daddy on their tail. They have requests too, "Was it this one, daddy?" and the next time Daddy may as well have a whip and be shooing them on their way because "We are here to get some damn candy, speed it up". Those girls were embarrassed and hanging their heads at that point, but it didn't stop him. The next time around he enlisted his wife who looked equally mortified as she said it was for "the baby"...the nonexistent baby. Again, go out and buy yourself a dang bag of candy. Those pop rocks you so coveted can be purchased at Walmart for a buck.


So that was my night.....needless to say, we will be finding some different entertainment next year. I didn't even get to see Adam trick or treat for the first time or bounce in the jumpy house because I sat there amidst the chaos handing out candy all night. Derick disappeared with the children and I barely saw them until it was time to go home. Pictures are coming up, but they aren't good. Daddy and children couldn't be bothered for a photo shoot, but rest assured, they looked cute as ever AND they were the most polite kids there!